Young Writers Society

Prologue

She pressed her hands against the tattered bark of the tree gently. Closing her eyes she lowered all barriers and walls around her mind, and began to gingerly ask the being to tell her all it knew. The bark felt rough against her skin as the tree began to tremble under her fingers; answering her call. Every past event that happened near this spot was remembered by this tree. She knew that with all of her soul, it was a matter of getting the tree to respond to her questioning.

The branches began to quake above her, sending bits of pine into her fine silver hair. She tried to relax her body as much as possible, allowing the images to fill her mind. The memories came quickly, a battle long ago, a pair of young lovers had met there once. Finally she saw what she was looking for, the man on the horse. She watched in awe as the history of this old creature filled her senses, and her body started to shake with the force of it.

Finally the bond was broken, the tree had told her all it knew. In a moment she mounted her horse and took off after the man she had dreamed about so often. Hoping that soon her questions would be answered.

wow very good! very original. you have a very nice style of writing and I look forward to reading more in the future

Hey there

I love this! You've got some really good descriptions here.

I especially like the way you've described her as 'she', instead of giving her an actual name yet, it creates a lot of mystery around the whole situation.

"She watched in awe as the history of this old creature filled her senses" - I really like this line, I'm not sure why, but there's something quite entrancing about it.

If anything, I think it could probably be a bit longer, though I can't see anything that could be added.

"Hoping that soon her questions would be answered." - This isn't quite a full sentence. You could; add it onto the sentence in front, add another action on the end, or change it to 'She hoped'.

Nice work I'm intriqued.

She pressed her hands against the tattered bark of the tree gently. (If I were you I'd move gently - like "She gently pressed her hands...") Closing her eyes she lowered all barriers and walls around her mind, and began to gingerly ask the being to tell her all it knew. The bark felt rough against her skin as the tree began to tremble under her fingers; (comma rather than semicolon) answering her call. Every past event that happened near this spot was remembered by this tree. She knew that with all of her soul, (semicolon instead of comma) it was a matter of getting the tree to respond to her questioning.

The branches began to quake above her, sending bits of pine into her fine silver hair. She tried to relax her body as much as possible, allowing the images to fill her mind. The memories came quickly, (colon, maybe?) a battle long ago, a pair of young lovers had met there once. (Maybe something like "There was a battle here, long ago, and a pair of young lovers met here once." The way you have it doesn't make a lot of sense.) Finally she saw what she was looking for, (hyphen maybe) the man on the horse. She watched in awe as the history of this old creature filled her senses, and her body started to shake with the force of it.

Finally the bond was broken, (semicolon) the tree had told her all it knew. In a moment she mounted her horse and took off after the man she had dreamed about so often. Hoping that soon her questions would be answered. (This last bit is a fragment)





I really like the plot so far! Just work on your grammar a bit. :D

Nightshine- Thanks!

Tag- I'll let you know when I post the next chapter.

Lyrical- Thanks! My grammar is terrible at times. I always get semicolons and commas mixed up, if you didn't notice. I will fix soon.

Hello! I managed to fit this into my schedule after homework! Woot!

She gently pressed her hands against the tattered bark of the tree [s]gently[/s].

This sentence is very nicely written, otherwise.

Closing her eyes, she lowered all barriers and walls around her mind, [no comma] and [s]began to[/s] gingerly asked the being to tell her all it knew.

There must be a subject and a verb on both sides of the contraction [and] to have a comma before it.

Underlined: This is a bit redundant and getting rid of one of them will result in only one and in the sentence.

The bark felt rough against her skin as the tree [s]began to[/s] trembled under her fingers; [comma instead] answering her call.

Semicolons...beautiful creatures, ain't they? ^^ However, they're used to separate relating sentences/independent clauses, lists when the items already have commas, and I think a couple other ways, but those are the main uses of semis. Therefore, a comma is more appropriate in this instance. ^_^

She knew that with all of her soul, it was a matter of getting the tree to respond to her questioning.

By the way, would interrogation be a better word besides questioning?

Just getting this straight: So she needs to get the tree to respond with all her soul? 'Cause that's what I got out of it. Maybe if it were "She knew with all of her soul that it was only a matter of getting the tree to respond to her questioning," then she would know with all her soul, ya-da ya-da ya-da.

Or maybe I'm completely off and you meant to join the first part with the previous sentence like here:

Every past event that happened near this spot was remembered by this tree -- she knew that with all her soul. It was just a matter of getting the tree to answer her.

The memories came quickly, a battle long ago, a pair of young lovers had met there once.

First off, is this just one memory to its own? Did the lovers meet there as in the battle? Or there as in the tree? If the former, then memories should be singular or use the phrase [/i]such as[/i] or something like it to lead into the one memory. If they're two separate memories, then don't use a comma but a contraction [and, but, or, etc.]. I.E.

The memories came quickly -- a battle long ago where a pair of young lovers had met.

Memories came quickly such as the battle long ago where once a pair of young lovers had met.

The memories came quickly such as the battle long ago or a pair of young lovers who had once met [at the tree].

Bad examples, but there to help explain what I'm trying to say.

Finally she saw what she was looking for, [dash instead] the man on the horse.

The man on the horse is aside information. A comma doesn't split sentences like this. ^_^

She watched in awe as the history of this old creature filled her senses, and her body started to shake with the force of it.

Her body shook with the force of.. it. Of.. the history the tree was sending her, right? Maybe rephrase the last bit 'cause it seems like you quickly ended the sentence just so you could move on to the next one.

Her mouth hung open in awe as this old creature filled her senses with the history it possessed; her body shook from the strong wave forced upon her.

I really don't know how to adjust it since I don't know what's going through your head at this point, haha.

Finally the bond was broken, [semi instead] the tree had told her all it knew.

Here, the independent clauses are related and can be joined by a semi-colon. A comma doesn't split independent clauses, but semis can.

In a moment she mounted her horse and took off after the man she had dreamed about so often. [comma instead] Hoping that soon her questions would be answered.

Underlined: I don't think this is a good transition. Maybe after a moment or such, but in a moment sounds like present tense. It's probably just me; however, just in case it's not me, we don't want to change tenses on the reader. ^_^

Overall

To tell the honest truth, I'm quickly reminded of Pocahontas and (What's her name?) Grandmother Willow. That's probably way off, but it's still the tree and the human relation.

The last paragraph can definitely be built on. We suddenly jump from the tree to the horse to a lonely fragment of a sentence, lol. Even giving a picture of the horse would be a good addition. The ending was just rushed for me; I didn't feel like I left the area like the MC did.

Very short and sweet. A great start! Some person in the back of my mind keeps saying we should flesh this out, but it's probably just because it's so short. It really can stand on its own as a prologue. Just work out the ending, fix the grammar issues, and you should be good to go.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Wow, Jabber's almost as picky as me! lol.

The promised review.



Highlighted Comments

1. Suggestion: ‘her hands pressed against…’ You use ‘she’ a lot in this area.
2. I don’t like the repetition of ‘this.’
3. What’s the point of this?
4. Suggestion: ‘Relaxing her body as much as possible, she allowed the images to fill her mind.’
5. Which one? The tree?
6. I’d change this.

Overall Comments

Honestly? I don’t see the point of this. Yes, it is well written, but why do you need a prologue? (I haven’t read the rest, so it may be necessary, but try not to use them unless desperate.)

Also, give the forest an atmosphere. Dark? Quiet? Cold?

A short review for a short piece. ;P

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415

*is gleeful* Hey, Overeasy!

I am truly excited that you are starting a new story (my critiques for which hopefully won't be eaten up in the monster that is math homework due dates), and I really did love the way you constructed the gathering information from the tree and all of that. Here's the thing, though--just because it's fantasy doesn't mean it has to have a prologue. Granted, I'm really anti-prologue, but that's because most writing tips and books will tell you, 'Start with the action! Start with the characters!'

The problem with prologues is that they tend to be vague. This one, though it's really pretty, is no exception. Vague is not the way to start a story, especially when we don't even really have a grasp for character. Is there a way you could begin the story with these events? Or is there a way to work this into a later chapter? I love the "searching for her dream guy" premise, but it might be better to start off with her quest and reveal the part about the tree in flashbacks.

__

As always, PM/poke/whatever if you have any questions. ^_^