Fear - Title Pending

Alainna wrote:though many people often try to wash it away

The image will not relent.

The image will not disappear.

The image won’t leave you – its ropes have wound round your brain, your heart, your soul.

Sometimes there is one image that is so burnt into your mind that it haunts you in your sleep as well as your waking hours.

Then, BAM, it’s there when you least expect it, dragging you back in time.

Alainna wrote: Sometimes there is one image that is so burnt into your mind that it haunts you in your sleep as well as your waking hours. This is a little long and winding for an opening sentence. "that is so burnt into your mind that it" is the section, I think, where it feels the most labored. See if you can't find a more direct way of writing it. It’s tattooed onto your brain and will remain there until another image or sound replaces it; Your semicolon should be a comma. pushing it out with a force that you have no control over. This seems to contradict a lot of what you've been saying. You say, in the next line, that it "feeds on your sanity", but here you suggest that it can be shaken off if something else happens. Unless you provide examples of what you mean, this sentence will weaken the others. It feeds on your sanity, hiding behind each blink of your eyes and every dark corner. No amount of tears can shift this image, though many people often try to wash it away. It may come to be that you believe the image to be gone – it may not appear for many settings of the sun. "many settings of the sun" is not the best way to put that. It sounds like you're trying to hard to be dramatic, and doesn't fit the diction of the rest of the passage. Then, BAM, it’s there when you least expect it, dragging you back in time.

The image will not relent.

The image will not disappear.

The off-set lines aren't really dramatic enough to be sitting out there all on their lonesome, and don't have the punch that I think you're looking for.

It weaves itself into your subconscious, so it may creep up on you at any time. But I thought that it was always there. Each occasion that it appears you hear the pump of your own blood, you taste the bile rising up from your churning gut and feel the burn of acid tears. "Each occasion that it appears" could easily be something shorter and less labored ie "Every time it creeps up" etc.It takes control of your whole body; Comma, not semicolon. paralysing Paralyzing. every limb. The image won’t leave you – its ropes have wound round your brain, your heart, your soul.

It has a simple strategy.

Behind it is a simple reason.

Fear. Fear is the strategy, yes? I don't think that the image really has a reason to bother you; it just kind of exists... I'm not sure I understand your concept here.

No amount of tears can shift this image, though many people often try to wash it away.

It may come to be that you believe the image to be gone – it may not appear for many settings of the sun.

Then - BAM! It’s there when you least expect it, dragging you back in time.

The image will not relent.

The image will not disappear.

It weaves [s]itself[/s] into your subconscious, so it may creep up on you at any time.

The image won’t leave you – its ropes have wound/wrapped around your brain, your heart, your soul.

It has a simple strategy.

Behind it is a simple reason.

Fear.

Cpt. Smurf wrote:I really liked this. Short, sweet, effective. I love your use of imagery, and I think it's ideal as a prologue - it would definitely make me want to read more.

No amount of tears can shift this image, though many people often try to wash it away.

I particularly liked that - the use of metaphor, and extension of it is very effective.

It may come to be that you believe the image to be gone – it may not appear for many settings of the sun.

I don't think this really goes very well with the rest of the piece. It's very medieval-fantasy in style ('it may come to be', 'many settings of the sun' - the convoluted, indirectness is like something out of LOTR, if you see what I mean?), and, particularly when contrasted with the less formal, more modern 'BAM' immediately afterwards makes it sound out of place. It makes the sentence jerky, and interrupts its natural flow.

Then - BAM! It’s there when you least expect it, dragging you back in time.

I've adjusted it to how I think it will look better - splitting the sentence, and putting a dash in place of a comma after 'There', which adds more impact to both the 'BAM' and the second half.

The image will not relent.

The image will not disappear.

Effective separation of lines, with repetition of 'The image' adding emphasis - I like this.

It weaves [s]itself[/s] into your subconscious, so it may creep up on you at any time.

I, personally, would get rid of the 'itself', but I think that's up to personal interpretation. Either way it makes sense, though I prefer the shorter, snappier sound without the 'itself'.

The image won’t leave you – its ropes have wound/wrapped around your brain, your heart, your soul.

I dunno... I'm thinking 'wrapped' instead of 'wound', but 'wound' seems to flow better. So just a suggestion I'm throwing in there. Either is good (and probably your version is better ). 'round' should be changed to 'around' - the former is too short, and causes the reader to rush slightly through the climax of the piece to keep up, when they should be maintaining a steady rhythm. Having the extra syllable allows us to keep that rhythm.

It has a simple strategy.

Behind it is a simple reason.

Fear.

Again, I like the use of individual lines for emphasis, but, in terms of content, I'm a little confused here. On the surface it all seems to make sense, but, looking at it thoroughly, it seems a bit disjointed. It's difficult to explain, but 'It has a simple strategy' doesn't seem to flow well into 'Behind it is a simple reason', which again doesn't seem to flow well into 'Fear'. I think the last two would be OK, but the inclusion of the first line is throwing me off a bit. But, at the same time, you need something before the second line, otherwise we'd be completely off.

I think the main thing that's niggling at me here is the fact that, through the whole thing, you haven't personalised the image, and now, all of a sudden, it has a strategy. You've suddenly given it a human trait. I think it's also incredibly difficult to lead into 'Fear' being the reason, as it's only one word - reasons tend to be sentence long, so as to explain why they're reasons. So the one-word use of 'Fear' seems, perhaps, too abrupt an ending.

I'll stop rambling, now, but I hope I've helped. I think those last three lines just need a little re-arranging - and I think I'm obsessing a little too much over them. I can't quite put my finger on it. It's not bad the way it is - but it can be better, I think, and you're more than capable of doing that.

Anywhoo, hope I helped,

~Kyle

It’s tattooed onto your brain and will remain there until another image or sound replaces it; pushing it out with a force that you have no control over.

The image will not relent.


The image will not disappear.

It may come to be that you believe the image to be gone – it may not appear for many settings of the sun. Then, BAM, it’s there when you least expect it, dragging you back in time.

Each occasion that it appears you hear the pump of your own blood, you taste the bile rising up from your churning gut and feel the burn of acid tears.