Young Writers Society

Cynthia was her name.

Some people may argue that those in my profession cannot feel love or that it is easier for us to move on and let go but that just isn't the case.
If it was, I wouldn't be writing this.

I loved this woman a lot. I see that now. Not enough though, to displease my boss. Like a child loves milk and cookies, I didn't want to be separated from her.

Well, that's how I felt until I got the note. It was lying on my doorstep, just like that.
Do it by the end of the month.
He had sensed my hesitation. Damn.
Back to square one.


It started out innocently enough.
She began to go out "with friends" a couple of times a week. I was never invited. She started coming home later and later.
She was becoming bored. Here was my chance.

I waited for her to come back to the near mansion home she had inherited from her late mafia entwined step-father one night. That was probably where she got her charm with the cold, dirty, New York steets that were so accomadating to us. It wasn't until after 2 am that the expensive stained-glass back door finally creaked open.
"Hey sweetie," Cynthia said with a drunken smile and a quick drowsy peck on my cheek. She smelled like shit. Good, qualified, illegal shit. And of course her best friend, beer. I wondered when she would ask it to be the maid of honor at our wedding.
She walked into the living room fit for a king in that tipsy way I was used to by now. Her golden curls retracted their bouncing as her shady figure dropped almost lifeless onto the leather loveseat full of memories. She was still breathing; for a minute I almost resented that.
"So what's you do tonight?" I asked casually enough. I sure was good at the stupid and pretend game. So far she still trusted me. I think she was even intruiged by me.
I never had fun. I never went partying. The crazy, fanatical, high-life on buzz just didn't cut it for me. I was a man who liked his newspaper and his occasional porn film. Besides, work came first. It was my chosen line of duty. Even if it was a nasty business.
Her reply to me was a flush of green, yellow and orange combined with undefinable chunks spewing out onto the Persian handmade carpet like the menacing red in my mind from future and past wounds created. They taunted me repeatedly. "We're here already. Just let us out." More meddlesome with every late night outing.
She laughed like a maniac at something invisible to me. This is what the pills turned her into. And why I refused them. The flashes of bright colors and feeling of excitement.. what was the point? I could get the same from eating pop rocks. I didn't see what was funny. The thoughts contradicting each other hurt my ears. And the deadline still rung around there somewhere, stinging me in shame with every breath she took.
"How about some love?" I laughed as I rode on top of her. I felt her breasts beneath me and I shoved my tongue into her mouth and pressed hard. It would be our last time; I wanted to remember it though she wouldn't.
She gladly obliged. I pulled her bra off and threw it over my shoulder and it landed on the nearby vase filled with red roses I had bought her just the day before. They were kind of a way of saying sorry. Then she removed her little black dress. Although she smelled and tasted like a 20$ hooker; she certainly didn't look like one. Her breasts were tiny as she was thin from some much Ice. Nontheless; she was still a natural beauty-- just caught up in a shattering glass world. As I kissed her breast area, she undid my jeans and slipped them off in the similar fashion as with her own dress. Silently and slowly, the passion built. I felt enthrawled by it and began to forget my surroundings.
My boxers followed - God, she was good. Too bad she would have to go like the rest of them.
It was sensual and hard, that last time. I felt myself go into her and I heard that groan of both pain and pleasure.
I am not going to lie. At this point, I seriously rethought my plan because of her aroma and the way she did it. How could I hurt such pure talent? She was true womanly beauty in it's easiest form. Then I remembered that eventually she'd discover my past and leave me anyway. I also remembered the hard hand of the boss. I couldn't burn down my masquerade after such success. It would result in immediate death.
The boss knew everything.
He was everwhere.

There was some oral but not much. That was satisfactory enough for me. I wanted to continue but I knew I could not hold it off any longer.
I had already recieved my going away present, what was I waiting for?

"Baby," I whispered into her ear and lipped it very carefully. Under us, the ground appeared to have washed away. We were caught in the middle of sea... floating... floating... gone. Pretending to run one hand through her hair, I grabbed the knife planted on the exquisite coffee table beside us with my other available hand. She was too drunk to notice.
It reached it's target point securely- her throat.
"Goodbye baby. I really had fun with you. Thanks for it all. You were great."
She saw the knife but no scream escaped her. Perhaps she was not as stupid as Myles has thought. Did she know the whole time? Or was she simply too drunk and high to see or care?
To give you the answer, it was the second option.
Myles didn't know that but he did care. Hey, his heart wasn't totally cruel. Hitmen are people too.

He has worked on this job for almost 3 years.
That was a lot longer than most stunts.

He pushed himself out of and off her.
He then proceeded to cover up her freshly deceased body feeling truly guilty for the first time in his buisness.
Her face apeared blue in death with a fleeting look that said, "How could hurt me Myles?"
Myles looked away quickly.
From the tiny closet in the hall, he collected his packed belongings - the important ones only.

And so Myles left 24 Garden Avenue, New York City, New York, confident that his next task would be simpler, and returning to headquarters as ordered.

Back at Garden Avenue, behind the doors of the recently abandoned number 24, there were two bodies lying motionlessly both on the living room sofa - the male on top of the female.
One was that of the drugged up and drunken Cynthia Darwin who has been at the bottle since she was 16, and her lover/fiancee Myles Lee.
Both has 2 things in common - the knife to the the throat and a body full of toxins.

There was no other logical explanation;
the two souls has left this world to meet their maker together, through a choice of their own.

No one suspected foul play.

Another sucessful stint for Myles Lee.

This is good. I just have a couple of things to say:

1. Her golden curls retracted as her shady figure droppled nearly dead onto the loveseat.

I think it should be something like: "Her golden curls lost their dazzling charm as her shady figure fell on the loveseat like she was nearly dead." The way you phrased the sentence made me reread it before it was clear.

2. His making love to her and then killing her is a bit abrupt--popping out of nowhere. I saw the foreshadowing, but it made me a little bit confused and then I was like, Oh, oh, right...that's odd! I think you can make the foreshadowing a little more menacing to tell the reader that something serious is going to happen.

3. You need to describe the narrator more. Is he a pimp, an assassin, a businessman, a hitchhiker? I was a bit like: "Why the hell'd he kill her?" If you could give us that reason, then we will understand the character's actions. (Here's a little tidbit to remember as you're writing: A character's actions need to have a reason.) I don't mean EVERY motion, but the ones that move the plot.

4. Your paragraph breaks are a bit confusing. I don't think there are any time spaces between any of the text, so either double-space it ALL or single-space it all.

I really liked the storyline and the characters--the drunken, high fiancee is not someone you expect to see in a story and also the cold, sex-wanting (for lack of a better word ) murderer, I could understand his actions but at the same time, I was like: "Go to hell." That is a good character.

Very good, just needs a little polishing and the suggestions above.

Hello! Here upon request and desire!

Some people may argue that people in my profession cannot feel love, or that it is easier for us to move on and let go, but that just isn't the case.

Not enough, though, to displease my boss.

Like a child loves milk and cookies, I didn't want to be [s]serperated [/s] separated from her.

<i>Do it by the end of the month.</i>

This doesn't go by html code but by BBCode. ^_^

I waited for her to come home one night. It wasn't until after 2 am that the back door creaked open.

This is kind of based on the author's style of writing, but what's wrong with writing two out as one word? It's only three letters.

"Hey, sweetie," Cynthia said with a drunken smile and a quick drowsy peck on my cheek.

She walked into the living room tipsiliy.

Lol! Cute! But that's not a word. Rephrase the sentence or find a synonym that would mean the same thing.

Her golden curls retracted as her shady figure [s]droppled [/s]dropped nearly dead onto the loveseat.

She was still breathing, [semi, dash, period instead] for a minute, I almost resented that.

It would be our last time; I wanted to remember it, though she wouldn't.

She was true womanly beauty in it's naturalest form.

That's not a word, and this sentence can just be rewritten anyway. In fact, unless there's a serious need for this sentence, just plug the phrase natural beauty somewhere.

Then I remembered that, eventually, she'd discover my past and leave me anyway.

I had already [s]recieved[/s] received my going-away present, [period or dash instead] what was I waiting for?

It reached [s]it's[/s] its target point securely- her throat.

"Goodbye, baby. I really had fun with you. Thanks for it all. You were great."

She saw the knife, but no scream escaped her.

Perhaps she was not as stupid as Myles [s]has[/s] had thought.

Myles didn't know that, but he did care.

He pushed himself out [s]of[/s] and off of her.

[s]he[/s] He, then, proceeded [s]to cover[/s] in covering up her freshly deceased body, feeling truly guilty for the first time in his [s]buisness[/s] business.

And so Myles left 24 Garden Avenue, New York City, New York, confident that his next task would be simpler, and [s]returning[/s] would return to headquarters as ordered.

Keep your verb tenses the same. ^^

Back at Garden Avenue, behind the doors of the recently abandoned number 24, there were two bodies lying motionlessly [s]both[/s] on the living room sofa - the male on top of the female.

One was that of the drugged up and drunken Cynthia Darwin, who [s]has[/s] had been at the bottle since she was 16, and her lover/fiancee, Myles Lee.

Instead of lover/fiancee, why not lover and fiancee? In fact, just choose one!

Both [s]has[/s] had 2 things in common - the knife to [s]the[/s] the throat and a body full of toxins.

Again, why not two instead of 2?

There was no other logical explanation;
the two souls [s]has[/s] had left this world to meet their maker together, [no comma] through a choice of their own.

Another [s]sucessful [/s] successful stint for Myles Lee.

Rating

This should be rated R. At first, I would have said PG-13, but it's definitely R the later on I read. Because of the graphic scenes, some members here won't be able to read this. Be sure to put that warning for them.

Dashes

I notice for your dashes, you use only a hyphen (-), but a dash can have two! (--) ^^

Sentences

They're very simple sentences. Put some complicated sentences, variety of structure, etc. Keep it interesting. And the short sentences at the beginning and end -- it can be done well, but it must be done well then. I think the ending was a bit long. It kept going and going.

Plot/Flow

I can honestly say that I zoned out in the beginning. You didn't hook me as the reader very well. I wasn't sure what was happening; I had to read it again to be sure I was getting it. Of course, I am very tired right now. ^_^

The sentence structure goes along with the flow, though. Too many short sentences can make it sound choppy and irritating to the reader. Connect one sentence with another until you make the next paragraph. Make sure you won't lose the reader from one sentence to another, one paragraph to another, etc.

OH! And I got confused at the end. Is Myles the guy who killed Cynthia and left? How did he end up dead on top of Cynthia? That was a bit weird to me.

Characters

Well, I'm thinking the MC's name is Myles, and I'm unsure as to what to think of him. He definitely puts his job (whatever it is) before loved ones, if he and Cynthia were lovers. I dunno; I'm a bit confused with them. I'll have to wait, I guess.

Description

You describe Cynthia's drunken state pretty well, but I don't think you elaborated on the motions of the characters nor their surroundings, etc. This will definitely help flesh out your thin paragraphs or lengthen your sentences.

Overall

It's a good start, but it can use a little work. Of course, we can fix that up in a jiffy. ^_^ You've heard all my comments above. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to contact me in one way or another!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

*Points above* Jabbs is brilliant; listen to her. Oh, and I'm not doing a nit-picky review, because it's already done.

I suggest ditching everything up to 'I waited for her to come home...' It's all telling, and you should fit it into your story.

You also switched tenses. Here:

Perhaps she was not as stupid as Myles has thought.

Is where you start using third person.

Also, the ending confused me, a lot. Up until:

Myles didn't know that but he did care.

I understood it. The 'perhaps she was not as stupid as Myles has thought' could be saying that the boss though she was stupid. When you wrote this, though, I didn't know who was who.

Basically, I'm confused. I don't know where they are, what's going on, or where they are. Clear it up and it will be better.

Sorry about the short review! PM me for anything.

~JFW1415