Young Writers Society

I seem to have better luck with journal entries! So, here is another journal story. I think that it will turn out really good. I'll write an entry a day and try to finish Fat Boy's tale through weight loss.

And I think it has a good point behind it all.

_

Run, Fat Boy, Run!

Day One


I’m gonna change my life. I don’t know how, but I will. Believe me - after everything I’ve been through, I need this more than anything else.
My name is Fat Boy. At least, that’s what everyone seems to call me. It’s not very pleasant, but hey, it’s a nickname. I’ve always been the Fat Boy at school. Always. I can’t remember a day when I wasn’t four sizes bigger than anyone. Heck, even in kindergarten I was wearing third grader clothes.
I never really thought about it much back then. Why should I have? I mean, there is no use trying to loose weight when you are in grade school. It used to be cool to be bigger than everyone else. ‘Cause I was a big boy. But now… it’s horrible going to school every day, tugging at my shirt so it wouldn’t cling desperately to my fat.
Sure, people made fun of me. They threw snide comments, menacing glances and horrible names at me. My favorite was Fat Boy. Thinking back, I thought it was kind of stupid the way that I got my name. It was gym. The teacher was talking to a student, and I was running the mile.
Of course, I was panting like a dog. My breath had completely escaped me, and I found myself gasping for air. My face was turning an alarming shade of scarlet. My chubs were flying through the air, dancing to the beat that my feet pounded to the ground. It was rather gross, but hey, I get used to it.
Anyway, my flubber was bouncing carelessly and behind me came two of those whatever-you-can-do-I-can-do-better jocks. They were laughing at my body and one of them yelled, “Run, Fat Boy, run!”
And so, I guess that’s how it all began.

My name is Fat Boy and this is my story.

For months I had been watching my weight increase and rise above the ‘overweight’ meter. I was terrified out of my mind. What was wrong with me? Was it just a stage like my parents thought it was? They told me every time that I brought up my weight, “It’s just a phase. Soon you’ll grow out of it.”
Sorry, Mom. I think it’s here to stay.
And so it’s there every morning, every night, and every meal. I notice it every day – and every day it seems to get larger. Was it a medical issue? I didn’t want to go to the doctors; every time that I went there, they weighed me, and I did not want my parents to know what I weighed.
I was beginning to feel really nervous like when you have one of those knots in your stomach that pulls tighter and tighter until you think you’re going to die. Yeah.
Gym class is right after lunch. I mean, you have no time to digest your food before you have to work it off again. Believe me, I’m sweating like a pig when the class finally ends – and the end of eternity. It’s the class that I always hate. I mean… shouldn’t it be an elective? If we don’t want to exercise then we don’t have to. It shouldn’t be required.
Schools are stupid that way.

In health today, we learned about proper nutrition. Trust me, I sank lower and lower in my seat, wishing the bell would ring. Calories. What a stupid invention. My teacher said that we should only take in as much of them as we can burn off. She handed out this packet that we were to fill out for the rest of the week. It made us count how many calories we ate a day.
I really didn’t want to come back to that class ever again.
But I’ve actually kept track. At dinner tonight, we had pizza. The hot and spicy aroma filled my lungs with joy as I plopped down and ate it. It was then that I saw my homework and – after dinner – I tipped the box over for the nutritional facts.
It turns out that one piece of pizza has about two hundred calories – not to mention that I ate four slices. Eight hundred calories. Our teacher said that “normal” people’s diets should intake about two thousand.
In that one meal, I ate more than half of that.
I also included my soda can that I drank with my pizza – another one hundred and fifty calories.
I really don’t want to see how many calories I take in a day.


_

Any comments? Suggestions?

It seems really good. It's late now, so I can't go in-depth, but I did notice one thing. You said that he had already taken in over half of what he should in a day, but he really only had 950.

So far it looks great. The blog idea is very cool. I loved how you were able to capture the emotions - not wanting to go to the doctor, parents saying it's a phase, etc. Maybe go more in-depth on how the people tease him? And, later on, you can show how hard it is for him to continue on, since he'll stay fat for awhile until the pounds start coming off. Maybe he can become so obsessed with it he passes out from excercising too hard, or he starts puking after eating? Something to show how the taunting can get to a person. (Though I'm sure you've already thought of all this and I'm just echoing your thoughts. )

PM me when you get more up, and to bug me to look at this closer. I want to give you a detailed review, but I'm tired. So PM me, or I shall...poke you!

Great job!

~JFW1415

Edit: Watch your tenses. First you say 'in health today...' then you say 'I never wanted to go back.' You do that several times.

Edit 2: Based on true events? Awww. *Hugs* I'm sorry, BBB. People are cruel.

Isn't this a movie...?

Prokaryote

Haha, I love this movie... "I have the spatula!" I am guessing that's where you got the name right?

Well, I like your journal entries, and I'll be interested to read more .

Hehe! I see they have turned this into a movie already it must be good.

Alright! On to the crit.

I love the first line, I thought it was very effective,and although at first I thought it seemed cliche, I like the extra light you put on it with the 'I need this more than anything else'.

Heck, even in kindergarten, I was wearing third grader clothes.

Chop off the second comma.

Sure, people made fun of me. They threw snide comments to me,

You have said 'of me' twice, so I would remove the second, it flows better.

my feet were pounding

I would recommend the perfect tense here, use 'my feet pounded'. This works better and doesn't affect the piece much.

“Run, Fat Boy, run!”

I have had that from personal experience - I stil get it... not nice.

I really enjoyed that. I thought the ending was a bit... boring, but I am guessing it isn't the end (write more, by the way!).

I enjoyed it because it drew me in, and I loved all the interesting similies, and direct audience and all that. Also, I knew I could relate... schools are horrible places for this type of thing. That is what I enjoyed, I could tell it was genuine, not just another guy trying to write a diary about how fed up they are and want to die. Great going! I reckon your diaries are very effective.

Keep writing!
-Mark

Really, really good! I honestly couldn't find anything to shred. Well, maybe there was something, but I was enjoying it too much to notice. You have a very easy style, and this was... I'd like to say entertaining, only it sounds patronising.

Mae carnen!

Yodles! If I repeat anything, I apologize ahead of time.

Believe me, [A dash?] after everything I’ve been through, I need this more than anything else.

I’ve always been the ‘Fat Boy’ at school. Always.

I'd say no quotes around Fat Boy if it's already capitalized.

Heck, even in kindergarten, [no comma] I was wearing third-grader clothes.

I never really thought about it much, [no comma] back then.

They threw snide comments [s]to me[/s], menacing glances, and horrible names at me.

Thinking back, I thought it was kind of stupid [s]that[/s] the way that I got my name.

And so it’s there, [no comma] every morning, every night, and every meal.

I was beginning to feel really nervous, [no comma] like when you have one of those knots in your stomach that pulls tighter and tighter until you think you’re going to die.

If we don’t want to exercise [s]than[/s] then we don’t have to. It shouldn’t be required.

It was then that I saw my homework, and – after dinner – I tipped the box over for the nutritional facts.

This was really good, haha. I liked it. It was easy to read and comprehend; I followed all the way through. Only one issue I found, and it was already pointed out: your tenses. You switch back and forth, and it's usually not a big deal when the narrator is currently telling a story of his past, but here you switch. Like here:

I really didn’t want to come back to that class ever again.

But I’ve actually kept track. At dinner tonight, we had pizza. The hot and spicy aroma filled my lungs with joy as I plopped down and ate it. It was then that I saw my homework and – after dinner – I tipped the box over for the nutritional facts.

In this instance, I'd suggest changing didn't to don't. Maybe go back and check that out? I could be wrong, but it's not a serious issue either. Not, like, dreadfully distracting, haha.

Otherwise, bravo! Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Bradford really made you guys do that in health class? That's retarded! That's why Bailey is cool.

Peace!

-Ailam

Pretty good. Not steryotypical like I thought it was going to be, but instead well thought-out and real.

Hi there!

This was a pretty good start, and your narration is very inviting and easy to read. I really like, as others have said, how sincere and genuine it seems: like an actual person wrote it as an actual diary. There's nothing pretentious or false about it, and the word choice is clear-cut and simple, the way an ordinary person's would be. In short, it's very believable.

A few critiques, mostly grammatical...

Heck, even in kindergarten I was wearing third grader clothes.

I think (though I'm not sure) that there's a hyphen in "third-grader."

I mean, there is no use trying to loose weight when you are in grade school.

Oops, typo. I think you mean "trying to lose weight" . Also, though this is more of a personal stylistic choice, I think this sentence would read more naturally if you changed "there is" and "you are" to "there's" and "you're." Probably just me, but I think most people use contractions in informal writing, and you used them for the rest of the chapter...

tugging at my shirt so it wouldn’t cling desperately to my fat.

This adverb doesn't seem to work so well here... how would a shirt do anything desperately? I mean, I know it's personification, but... eh, I dunno. I think I'm just picky.

I really don’t want to see how many calories I take in a day.

This last sentence kinda fell flat for me. I'm not sure why... I guess because it was so... telling-ish. (Wow, I'm articulate today XD) I think you might want to try to rephrase it a bit...

Anyway, I felt your main character was really easy to identify with, (Who hasn't been picked on for something before?) and quite likable. You did a good job presenting his problem without making him seem whiny.

So, great start! I'll start on the next bit right away.

BigBadBear,

Hey there. Esme comes bearing that crit.



Quote:
I never really thought about it much back then.
Comma before “back”.


Quote:
‘Cause I was a big boy.
I don’t know, I just don’t like that. I don’t think it can be on its own - it just floats around, really, and that big “C” with an apostrophe before it? That looks plain weird. Consider merging that somehow to the sentence before.


Quote:
They threw snide comments, menacing glances and horrible names at me.
Menacing? Hmm, I don’t think that is the aptest word you can think of.


Quote:
My favorite was Fat Boy.
You’ve made a point of that being how everyone called him, and that is the prime reason of me being nitpicky about it. But if you are determined to keep it (and yes, it is a good intro to what comes later, so you should not forfeit it easily), then perhaps consider rephrasing that a bit, to make it smoother and to link to what was already said and, again, so emphasized.


Quote:
They told me every time that I brought up my weight, “It’s just a phase. Soon you’ll grow out of it.”
Referring to the sentences before, I think it’d be better if your rephrased to “every time” being in the beginning, e.g. “Every time I brought up my weight (…)”. That way it does not seem unattached to the rest of the paragraph, but a smooth continuation.


Quote:
I was beginning to feel really nervous like when you have one of those knots in your stomach that pulls tighter and tighter until you think you’re going to die.
Awkward, though, apparently, there is only one thing that bother me in the above: “like when”. Yeah.


Quote:
I really didn’t want to come back to that class ever again.
Emphasize that - my suggestion is: “really, really”. But I’m weird as far as doubles go, so you might want to think it over before listening to me.



Well, there really isn’t anything more I could be nitpicky about it - the piece is quite tweaked at the moment, and almost as its best. Let’s move on to more interesting stuff.



WATCH OUT!

-> The “big boy part“. That is true, yes, and even very so, yet I think that can section be elaborated, explained more. Examples could be given, and then that next sentence would be an even stronger contrast.

->“My name is Fat Boy and this is my story.” - that has this specific ring to it, the one that ends an introduction. That especially stands out since you have it on its own. That, however, leads to expectations - starting a new part, new chapter, a continuation to that intro, yes, but not of the introduction part itself.

-> Something that bothered me all throughout the story was times. But I think it’s an itch I can’t scratch, since I can’t exactly say what it is that irritates me. I think that memory of how he got his name should be emphasized - that it was “then”, not “now”. After the “My name is (…)” - it should be emphasized that it is “now”, that this is where the (daily) diary starts. That first paragraphs especially; I think it was that that made write this rant.

-> Remember that the narrator is not your average person. He is different, and there is no use denying it, especially since it’s the theme of the story. His daily activities have to shown, centered around, yes, his weight, and his reactions, as well as others’ to him. Remember about the emotions that would accompany such as person.


FANTASTIC!

-> That semi-retrospection, that showing us how he got his name - a very good idea.

-> Style. The way of how it was written made it an easy, swift and enjoyable read.

-> The topic, I think, is a hard one, but you managed quite well.

-> Your MC. Do I really have to elaborate here?


Um, I am able to eat four slices of pizza. Really. And I’m petite - very so, even. Oh, well, I’ll ponder on it later; back to the diary. Conclusion never turn out how they are supposed to… Ah, well.

I see that this is just the first post, and that there are more chapters - I’ll to crit them later on, though read I will. *muses. Esme has a new critiquing project. The next installments are as good as this one, aye?


Cheers,
Esme

I like it. I think how you ar writing it is perfect, the only way the true emotions could really be captured are ina journal I think. Great job, I want more!

Hey, Jared! I haven't been on here for so long... but you brought this to school a while back and so I thought I'd comment on it.

You already know that I'm in love with Fat Boy. But I think that you could be a little less harsh on yourself. I mean, this story has a great point and all, but yeah. Never mind. That probably didn't make sense.

Anyway, this was awesome. I love it! I'll go comment on Day 2!

I can't figure out how to do the whole quote thing, but for some reason the sentence "My face was turning an alarming shade of scarlet." stuck out. Don't ask me why...maybe it just didn't sound like the MC's voice or something?

Anyway...you've really captured this kid's personality and how he feels about his weight. I know someone just like him--embarrassed about his weight, yet very loose in his describing himself. (how your MC says his "chubs were flyiing" and such things and saying how "you get used to it")

Wow. This is really good! I really like the personality in it. You know exactly how he feels and your heart goes out to him. Sorry, I'm kind of in a hurry, but I wanted to leave something. Anyway, nicely written. I only saw a very small amount of things that need corrections. I'd point them out but I can't. But I can't wait to read some more!