Pretty Butterfly

Pretty Butterfly

Donald stood by the side of the road watching the supply trucks go past. Their exhaust hung heavy in the cold February air, creating a miniature cloud that snaked back towards the hills as it followed the road. He really should not be at that place. His mother had warned him not to go near the front, threatened him sternly in fact. She had a reason: the frontline of a battle, of an entire war, was no place for a little boy.

But Donald was here all the same. Though he loved his mother, loved her very dearly, he possessed the same insatiable curiosity all little boys possess. So he was here, here to look at the loud, thundering machines and see the brave soldiers ready to fight the enemy. Who the enemy was he did not know, nor did he care. At his age boys do not care who the enemy is or why they are being fought. It is simply fighting, and all little boys are eager to see an actual representation of what they play in their backyards.

So now Donald walked along the road, following after the supply trucks. He trundled along with a steady pace, eager to see the things in this place. He was moving along as fast as he wished to, in no particular hurry to get much of anywhere. He was a happy boy, as all boys at that age are.

Suddenly something crossed Donald’s path. His eyes followed it, amazed at its sudden appearance. It was a butterfly. Its wings were a beautiful deep black color. Donald had never seen anything quite like it. Suddenly he felt compelled to chase after it. He could catch it. Then he would bring it home and show it to his mother. She would be so happy to receive such a beautiful thing.

Donald ran at the butterfly and tried to grab it. It flittered up out of his reach. Frustrated, he jumped up to try again. But it still eluded him, this time moving on down the road. Donald kept up his pursuit. He would claim this butterfly, it would be his.

So Donald kept up his chase. The butterfly always managed to keep just barely ahead of him. It would seem to taunt him at times by letting his fingers brush its wings. Soon Donald was so frustrated at his inability to grab the butterfly that he forgot everything around him.

What Donald was missing while he was intent on securing this beautiful insect was where he was going. He had crossed the road long ago and skirted the perimeter of the army camp a long while ago. Now his pursuit drew perilously close to the front lines, where the soldiers and the enemy spent their days watching each other, waiting for the other to display a weakness they could use to their advantage. It was a foul place. On either side were the foxholes, and in the middle was the dreaded wasteland where the mad could rush forward and be ended of their misery.

But Donald did not know all this. He was still concentrated on his butterfly. He nearly had it now. Soon it would be in his grasp and he could bring it back to his mother. Oh, how proud she would be of him. He could hear her even now. “Oh Donald, it’s so lovely! Thank you for bringing it for me! You’re such a good boy!”

A sudden crack of a sniper rifle ended those thoughts. Part of Donald’s head was sheared right off and lay on the rocks. He had time enough to let out a cry of pain. Then he fell upon the rocks, the warm breath never to enter his chest again. The soldiers upon his side saw him. They could not go for his body though. Upon that dread wasteland it must remain. The butterfly flittered down and landed on Donald’s back. It opened its wings wide to the sun, revealing a white pattern that resembled a sinister skull.

Hmmm...This does not quite have enough to it to constitute a short story. Also, the title might discourage readers, try to think up something more grabbing.

I looked down the list of stories in this genre and saw that your story was the only other one that hadn't been reviewed at least once. Our stories are lonely together. Until I submit this review.

Anyway. The idea of a little boy chasing a butterfly and then getting blown away by a sniper could be an interesting story. But you didn't put quite enough in it to make the ending as dramatic and frightening as it is meant to be. The description and composition was good, but just not deep enough. Tell more about Donald, what he looks like, what he likes to do (besides observing the army), what he cares about.

Also, describe the place in more depth. What does the army look like, smell like, feel like? What is it like to stand where Donald stands and watch? Is it always fun to watch or is it sometimes frightening? Really, all the story needs is to be expounded on.

Interesting story. I hope this helps.

I didn't spot any spelling or grammatical mistakes, but it was a bit simple. Intersting, but a bit simple and a little confusing.

I liked the boy, but I think we need to know more about him and his surroundings. Try to think about these questions:

Where is he? What does it look like?
Who's fighting? Why?
What does the army look like?
What does he look like?

I liked the ending. I think with a bit more emotion and information, this would be a really good story. Make sure to tell me if yu edit, so I can crit it again.

I really liked this a lot, and I don't think it needs any more detail. It's very sad and it actually almost made me cry---although I cry at everything, so that really isn't saying much...but still!. I think you did an excellent job portraying Donald's child-like emotions and it was well-written. I don't really like how there is a skull on the butterfly's wings at the end, I think it might be better having the butterfly be beautiful, because the contrast between the beauty of the butterfly and the horridness of the situation might be more effective. That's just my opinion, however.

Keep up the good writing and I hope to see you around the site!

Actually, I very much disagree with the two first comments.

The simplicity in style reflected Donald, he's a very easy and child-like boy with no worries. All that was on his mind was getting the pretty butterfly, and his mother. I feel like the tone and flow of story, how I feel the words, matter a lot in a piece, they make it more engulfing for the reader. Personally, this was a very touching one for me, I thoroughly enjoyed it. It's not complicated - it's bare. That's the beauty of it. Detail isn't needed, what should be looked at is how such ordinary and small words and information we are given reflect both Donald and the story.

Not to mention, I loved the title. That's why I clicked on it. I wasn't planning on reviewing anything tonight, but I just had to see what this story was. (Then again, I am a geek for really odd and simple titles like this.)

As for the story itself, please, leave it as it is. It's from the roughness we can understand it so much better, and it gives off a lot more insight. The part about the butterfly at the end; I loved it as well. It was both sad, and ironic. Almost like he'd been chasing death. Very, very symbolic. I really do applaud you for that! (And I don't do that for many people at all, much less their writing!)

All in all however, this is absolutely stunning in it's glory. I can't believe how much fun I had reading it. There could be a few minor changes, punctuation, a couple sentences here and there - but this form is magnificent.

*gasps* I FRIGGIN LOVE IT. -_-

I disagree as well to the first 2 comments because they simply didn't read it for what it is. It was absolutely brilliant that i had to keep reminding myself that you didn't like my Doble Cara. LOL.


I loved the fact that it was so innocent and yes, bare as the girl up here commented. No need for further elaboration on Donald's entity, of the surroundings because the simplicity pulled me to the poem's inner splendor. I didn't feel it lacked anything nor was it too dry for meaning.

One thing though, maybe to make it more choking for us readers[hehe], you could scratch interjecting the scene where you explained about the environment he was entering to. Make it hang for a while, let him be able to finally catch the butterfly, then bang goes that rifle. After that, you tell us what happened and why it did.

Go gaga over writing! I love you already!

<3 JACE

[need me to critique more of yours, just PM me. :-*]

OH AND I LOVE THE TITLE. Please leave it alone. 0.o

oh wow...this is really...wow.
i mean wow in a good way!
most definatly.
its just really sad.
i think killing the boy might've been a little much,
but that might just be me. im a children lover :/
but it is awesomee !
cant wait to read more [:

Hey.

I also agree that the simplicity of Donald just adds to who he is as a character. It was completely believable that he is a child. Children don't notice a ton of details, and they know only the things they really care to know.

There were two things I did not particularly like: I felt it was unrealistic on how this war was so close that Donald could walk right into it. Would a family with a child really live so close to a dangerous place like that? And WHERE is Donald's mother? You'd think, them living so close to a war, she would keep and extra close eye on him.


There were also a few nitpicks:

He would claim this butterfly, it would be his.

Should be: He would claim this butterfly; it would be his

He had time enough to let out a cry of pain.

I found this unrealistic. If his head is blown off with no warning I don't think he would have time to cry out.

They could not go for his body though.

I felt the word though took away from this.

It opened its wings wide to the sun, revealing a white pattern that resembled a sinister skull.

I realize you must have meant this to be symbolic, or artistic, but I think it takes away from the piece. What you've written is a real setting, a real time, and with real events, such as the war. I think you need to be consistent with this. Nowhere in the world is there a butterfly with a skull on it's wings. Perhaps describe its vibrant colors instead, or even just say how simple it is in it's delicacy. I do like how it landed on Donald's body, though. That was a nice touch.

It is simply fighting, and all little boys are eager to see an actual representation of what they play in their backyards.

This was my favorite line, just because how it's written and how true it really is.


You've written an, in my opinion, excellent piece. It's simple, yes, but sometimes simplicity makes it beautiful.

Keep writing.

I also disagree with the first two comments, this is most definitely a short story with some raw emotion that drives you to finish it. Not only does it capture and keep your attention, you have a slow, haunting suspicion as to the outcome of Donald's chase will be.

One thing: the skull on the back of the black butterfly was kind of corny. Sorry, just my opinion, maybe another thing that would represent death more than a human skull. Just a suggestion though.

GOOD WORK AND KEEP WRITING!

Since so many people are bringing this up, I have to comment about it. The reason the butterfly has a skull on it is because I wanted to convey the idea that sometimes what we think is beautiful can be very dangerous. If you have any suggestions as to how I could convey that better I would appreciate it.

Wow, that was a really sad ending.

And I liked this. And I totally understand the butterfly with the skull thing. It was a perfect symbol of death and beauty all wrapped into one. That was a great symbol to use.

Well, I'm kind of short on time so I can't give you a proper critique, sorry.

Keep Writing!

The promised critique:

Nit-Picks

He really should not be at that place.

Should be: 'He really should not have been at that place.'

At his age boys do not care who the enemy is or why they are being fought.

Reword the bit after 'or.'

It is simply fighting, and all little boys are eager to see an actual representation of what they play in their backyards.

Why wouldn't someone kick the kid out? I know nothing about war, so I'm probably wrong, but wouldn't someone try to make him leave…?

He was a happy boy, as all boys at that age are.

You're being REALLY general in this story, and it's kind of annoying…

Suddenly something crossed Donald’s path. His eyes followed it, amazed at its sudden appearance. It was a butterfly. Its wings were a beautiful deep black color. Donald had never seen anything quite like it. Suddenly he felt compelled to chase after it. He could catch it. Then he would bring it home and show it to his mother. She would be so happy to receive such a beautiful thing.

Sentence structure, Con. And work on building it up – let us see everything, then show why it catches his eye – is it out of the norm? Then let him stray from the war to the butterfly.

He would claim this butterfly, it would be his.

Semi-colon instead of the comma.

A sudden crack of a sniper rifle ended those thoughts. Part of Donald’s head was sheared right off and lay on the rocks. He had time enough to let out a cry of pain.

Sentence structure…

Overall Comments

Did you leave me links to old pieces, Con? 'cause so far I haven't really enjoyed the pieces that you left in my thread, when I normally love your stuff…

My main problem with this piece is the distance we feel from the character. I feel I am thousands of miles away hearing a story. Is it sad? Sure, why not – the kid died. Do I care? Not particularly – I didn't know the guy.

So, your job is to make me get to know him.

It's the same things as always. Give him a history – why's he act the way he does? What're his motives? Why doesn't his mom stop him from going out? Where is he? Is he so used to the violence he hardly notices it anymore? Why's he care so much about a butterfly – are they rare?

And then make us feel like we're there. Add atmosphere! Let us hear the bombs, smell the smoke, sense the people hiding in bushes. Make us feel like we're there.

(And when he wanders away, let us see where he's going. It's third person: just because he doesn't notice doesn't mean we can't.)

I've lectured you about these things many times in the past, Con, so I hope that's enough explanation? If not, I'll be happy to expand on these topics.

Another thing: you said that you 'wanted to convey the idea that sometimes what we think is beautiful can be very dangerous.' You kind of did this, but it could be done better.

Really over-pronounce that thought. Make the world seem awful, but then the butterfly comes – salvation! He follows it, thinks everything is wonderful and beautiful. But then it leads him to his death!

Get it? XD I got the whole 'leading to his death' thing, but you need to work on showing the beginning bit more.

PM/IM me for anything, and remember: I'm only harsh 'cause I love you. XD

~JFW1415