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Bad Girls Need Love Too



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Sat Apr 12, 2008 3:58 am
OverEasy says...



Rated for insinuated sex.

Bad Girls Need Love Too

Chapter 4

Present Day.

I woke up feeling warm, a strong arm wrapped around my naked stomach. I quickly moved to hide my form from the blazing eyes of Chase. Knowing full well that he was awake and as always, he was watching over me. Just as soon as I had covered myself with the blanket he had pulled it off of me, exposing my body to his view.

“No reason to hide, it’s just me.” He promised me with a whisper.

It wasn’t as if my nakedness was anything new to his eyes, we had made love just the night before, but simply laying here in his arms I felt exposed. I brought my arm up to shield my nude breasts from his gaze. He simply wouldn’t have me covering myself though. He grasped my hand lightly in his and brought it to his lips for a gentle kiss. I gave him a small smile and he pulled me to him and kissed me softly on the mouth. I wrapped my arms around him and felt his body respond quickly.

“Make love to me.” I told him.

He nodded slowly before his mouth continued its assault on my own.

June 20, 2002.

I arrived at my grandmother’s house late afternoon and pulled my bags from the trunk of my mother’s car. She looked at me, right into my eyes, for the first time in months. I wasn’t sure how to react, but before long I could no longer stand her eyes on mine and found the ground. I kicked the ground awkwardly, waiting for her to say something.

Instead she pulled me in for a hug; I felt tears spring to my eyes as I held my mother tight. She pressed a kiss to my hair then my cheek and running her hands through my hair. “I love you.” She whispered before releasing me and stepping back into her car.

A warmth I had not known I was missing swept through me at her words. I watched her drive down the dirt road, stirring up dust as she went. I turned to find my grandma standing in the doorway; quickly I wiped the tears from my eyes, careful not to smudge my make-up.

“Hey grandma!” I said as I rushed over to give her a hug. She opened her arms in welcome, and I felt more tears form behind my eyes.

After a long embrace she helped me gather my things and showed me to my room for the summer. The quarters were cramped, but not unlivable. I realized with satisfaction that she had a computer, though it was ancient it did have internet.

Grandma smiled at me and bustled off to the kitchen to finish dinner. I had to grin back at her; it was nice to be treated as a human again. I opened my suitcase and started putting all of my clothes into the dresser by my temporary bed. After that was done I shoved the case under the bed and sat, looking around for something to do. I drummed my fingers against the wooden frame, impatient for a reason I could not explain.

Finally I left the little room in search of my grandma; she was on the telephone so I gave her a slight wave and pointed towards the door. She nodded in understanding and I stepped out into the fresh mountain air of her home. I started walking aimlessly around her yard, not really sure what to do with myself.

I heard a high pitched giggle and felt myself get slightly giddy, excited at the prospect of kids my own age. I followed the sound to the neighbor’s house, three doors down. There I saw a girl and a boy jumping on a trampoline, they both looked a few years older than I was. The girl caught my eye, her vivacious smile so much like mine had been only months before. Her hair bounced up and down, glistening copper in the setting sun. I watched her jump for a few minutes, not sure why I was so captivated with her. They noticed me after a few minutes, and I felt myself blush furiously at being caught.

The girl waved at me, seemingly delighted to have me watching her in her yard. “Hey!” She hollered. “You! What are you doing all the way over there when the parties over here?” She giggled.

I felt myself smile at her as she did a back flip. “I don’t know!” I yelled back.

“Come here!” She bellowed at me.

I ran over to them, eager to make new friends. “Hi.”

“What’s your name, hun?” she asked.

“Celia. Yours?”

“I’m Isabella, and that’s Riley.” She informed me, gesturing over her shoulder to the very uncomfortable looking boy. “How old are you, Celia?”

“I just turned 12.”

“12! You look much older than that. I just turned 15 in June.” She smiled and twirled a piece of my hair in her fingers. “You don’t live around here.” Isabella stated; more a comment than a question.

“No.” I confirmed. “I’m staying with my grandma for the summer.”

“Ugh, crap deal. Well now you can hang out with us for the summer.” She said with a satisfied grin. Riley didn’t look so keen on the idea. Despite that I smiled, Isabella’s charisma having some effect on my normally grim mood.

“Yeah, I guess so.” I grinned widely, thinking the summer may be more eventful than I had thought it would be.
Life is for living.
  





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Sat Apr 12, 2008 7:01 pm
myfreindsavamp says...



*Ya a happy point!*claps yay so happy for this.....bye bye going to read the other one....*
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
~William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet
  





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Mon Apr 14, 2008 3:19 pm
KJ says...



Hey. Again, not to be a broken record, your punctuation needs work. The writing was pretty good. It wouldn't have been bad if this was longer though.

Not exactly sure how I feel about this addition. I guess I'm trying to decide if I like it or not. I'll let you know...
  





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Mon Apr 14, 2008 8:25 pm
Alainna says...



Heya.

This part was a little lacking. I liked the beginning with Chase but the rest needs a bit of a boost. You seem to have hurried this piece a bit.

“No reason to hide, it’s just me.” He promised me with a whisper.

Your making the same mistake here with your punctuation. Should be: "No reason to hide; it's just me," he promised me with a whisper.

She pressed a kiss to my hair then my cheek and running her hands through my hair.

Doesn't make sense. Perhaps try 'ran' instead of 'running'. Or, even just re-do the sentence altogether.

I realized with satisfaction that she had a computer, though it was ancient it did have internet.

Get rid of the comma and put in an 'and'.

What are you doing all the way over there when the parties over here?”

'Parties' should be 'party's'.

I'm going to repeat the same thing as I wrote in the previous parts I critiqued. More detail, more description, more emotion. Use literary techniques. Don't be afraid to describe the passion/love between Chase and Celia.

Overall, I really enjoy your style and your story has so much potential.

All the best,
Alainna
xx
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

Got YWS?
  





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Thu Apr 17, 2008 12:20 am
Night Mistress says...



finally, a happy point. i 'm glad your mommy said something to you. i hope you put up another piece soon.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion
  





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Thu Apr 17, 2008 5:43 am
keirab says...



I read all the other chapters of this story as well, and I like it a lot. I actually am eager to know what happens next, unlike many of the stories I read on here. :P Keep up the good work and I'll keep reading! :D
Sgt: Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless.
Palin: What if he's got a bunch?
  





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Thu Apr 17, 2008 6:32 pm
chyeahmclovinx3 says...



i really REALLY like this story.
its not all about how sad she is, she always finds a bright sidee.
kudos [:
  





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Sat Apr 19, 2008 2:35 am
JFW1415 says...



Image
Image
Image

Highlighted Comments

1. Expand. Emotion, please?
2. Don’t repeat; I’d ditch this word.
3. Good actions, but expand the emotions. Also, what do the sheets feel like? His warm body? Stuff like that.
4. Suggestion: She places a gentle kiss on my hair, then lowered her face to kiss my check while she ran her fingers through my hair.’
5. Use anticipation. Start a new sentence here.
6. Expand. What’s it look like there? Feel like?
7. Suggestion.
8. What has she heard? Maybe have her wonder this, or show us that she knows that her Grandma knows?
9. Emotion, please.
10. What’s it look/feel like?
11. Expand a bit more; it sounded like she heard her own giggle.
12. Wow! Very different vocabulary. It’s rather different, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing…
13. Stop with the tags!
14. Expand.
15. Um…hun?

Overall Comments

Every time it’s getting better. :P I loved the beginning.

Still, show more emotion. (She was just raped; she’ll still be effected!) Show a bit more imagery (this is much better, though.) Expand on Riley. Don’t use tags for everything. Learn dialogue punctuation. ;P

Other than that, wonderful. It’s getting better and better!

PM me with the next part. Actually, tell me about it in my ‘want a critique’ thread (link in siggy.) I’m more likely to remember there.

PM me with: questions, boredom, hyperness, sadness, need of critiques, etc.

Good luck, and happy editing!

~JFW1415
  





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Fri May 16, 2008 10:53 pm
NightsDreamer2277 says...



I really like this story, though I know I'm late on posting. It has a neat dramatic flair without being too unrealistic. Your writing is wonderful to read, and I can't wait until the next addition.
"When you need a stress relief, simply count to twenty. If you get to twenty and your still mad, go to a hundred. If you are mad after that, then go find some anger management, because we seriously have just wasted two minutes."-- Jazz
  





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Sat May 17, 2008 1:40 am
TNCowgirl says...



Good job. I want to read more. Post more please. Everyone caught everything I had seen, but other then that it was good. It is moving nicely and you keep the attention of the reader too. Good job, keep going.


TNC
"And you wonder why we don't like you!" -Trumpkin
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Vist my world and make it bigger!
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Mon May 19, 2008 1:06 pm
Shine says...



A nice plot again,the story is indeed interesting.

Waiting for the next one.
"A good plot is like a dream.If you dont write down your dream on paper the moment you wake up,the chances are you'll forget it and it'll be gone forever"-Roald Dalh.
  





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Tue May 20, 2008 7:24 pm
Wildest Temptations says...



When Celia's mother hugged her, and said "I love you," I nearly cried. I could feel my tears welling up.

This is a great story, keep up the good work. When I read the first four chapters, it was as if I was actually there, witnessing this.

I like how you share your life's experiences with your readers, and you hold them, and it is just so believable. I really like your work.
"The only life worth living is the one you're truly passionate about." -- Emma Pillsbury, Glee
  





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Fri Jun 20, 2008 8:05 pm
kachine says...



GO GRANDMA! This is great! Cant' wait to read more! Your punctuation needs a little more work. Otherwise i cant wait till the next one!
  





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Tue Aug 26, 2008 7:44 am
Snoink says...



Your dialogue grammar is wrong -- listen to JFW. ;)

I just wanted to give a quick comment: it seems like you're rushing a lot through these events. And that's not just for chapter 4 but with the others as well. You don't give a lot of description at all, it's more like, "Boom!" this happened. "Boom! That happened!" Which is weird because I expect more description, if it's all that clear. Like the bogeyman's face and what her mother looked like and her grandma's house and everything of the sort. I know this is from real life--it sounds too wild to be concocted. But at the same time, it sounds like you're trying to hurry through everything and it seems more like a music video than a movie, if that makes sense.

That's my two cents anyway. ;)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





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Tue Aug 26, 2008 9:04 am
OverEasy says...



Thanks, I know that I really badly need to work through this whole thing again. I just don't have the time right now... or ever for that matter. (why can't there be more time in each day?) :)


But thanks for the advice guys :)
Life is for living.
  








Powerful men have a way of avoiding consequences.
— Dr. Harrison Wells, The Flash