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Welcome to Miami: Chapter 3.



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Tue Apr 08, 2008 9:31 pm
day tripper says...



This chapter is kind of long. I'm sorry it took so long to write; I've had a bit of personal things happening. But here it is!

Chapter 3: The First Day.

"This is so nice!" Carly shrieked as we walked into the hotel room.

It really was nice. When you walked in, you were in a long, narrow hallway. On your right, a built in book shelf that had its own ceiling light reflecting off the tan colored walls. Next to that, an arch way leading to a small kitchen, on your left, a glass door looking into a grand bathroom. At the end of the hallway, an arch way opened up into a room with two twin sized beds. A flat screen on the wall, an X-Box 360 and radio/DVD player below it, and a walk-in closet. Of course there was a deck, but what hotel room didn't have one? Thank god Carly's mom payed for this room!

"Brad and I call the bed closest to the windows!" Carly perked, racing to the bed.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" I shouted, stopping her.

"What?" She asked, turning around. I walked over to the bed.

"One, who ever said you're sleeping with him? Girls in one bed, boys in the other."

"Hell no!" Brad yelled, "No offense." He said to Aaron. Arron shrugged,

"Non taken."

I continued anyway, "Two, if you do sleep with him, that means you got one thing you wanted, so we get the other choice that's left; this bed."

"No!" Carly protested, "That's not fair!"

I shrugged, then laid back onto the bed. Brad spoke up, "She has a point."

"Yeah." Aaron agreed.

"I don't care! That's not fair!" Carly still protested.

"Too bad!" I shrugged, laughing at her frustration.

"Ugh! ...Bitch!" Carly mumbled.

I arose from the bed, "Well, I say we go to bed, it's 1:30, and I'm beat." I said slipping my shoes and socks off.
"1:30 my ass. I'm check'n out the clubs." Carly said, grabbing a dance outfit to change into.

"I'm with her." Brad winked, putting his jacket back on.

I turned to Aaron,"What about you? Goin' or stayin'?"

He smiled and I could have cried, it killed me so much, "Definitely staying." Aaron said.
After Carly and Brad left, Aaron took off his shirt and removed his pants in the bathroom, after wards coming out in boxers, rounding the bed. Then, stopped when he saw me starring wide eyed at him.
"You aren't scared or anything, right?" He asked, smiling as if he caught me.

I pulled my head back into my neck, then shook it, eyes shutting, "No, no!" I opened them and got up to go to the bathroom to get changed. "It's just that, this morning we were staring awkwardly at each other." I said, changing into a black spaghetti strap, "...And here we are, sleeping in the same bed!" I laughed, pulling up my gray sweat pants.

"Yeah." Aaron replied dryly, not looking at me once I walked back out. "I know."

I opened the sheets and climbed in.
"Well, night." I said before turning on my side facing the other bed.

"Goodnight." I heard him reply shyly.
***

"This is incredible!" Carly yelled as she danced on the dance floor with Brad. He slid his arms around his beautiful girlfriend,

"Best clubbing night ever." He winked.

Carly looked away, laughing, shaking her head, "You're a bluff!" She yelled over the loud beat that pulsed through their bodies. Brad gasped, stepping back.

He placed his hands up, "Girl! You want to try me?"

Carly leaned forwards and laughed, "Maybe."

Brad took her waist in his hands and pulled her close, leaning his forehead, down, onto hers, "I love you." He said, starring into her brown eyes.

Carly grabbed his head, gently kissing him. "I love you, too!" Carly smiled brightly up at him. Then, she twirled. Brad kept his hands skimming her waist, but then, he stopped her and she faced him, their lips meeting in a meaningful kiss, "Let's dance!"
***

When Carly woke up the next morning, it was ten o'clock in the morning. She sat up and stretched. Carly glanced over at Evie and Aaron in their respective bed. She stared in anger and awe.
"Why doesn't he make a move already?!" Carly thought to herself. Then,
"Eureka!" Carly raced over to where Brad slept.
***

I woke up and looked into nothing. I could have swore my eyes were open, but it was all black. I felt warmth all over and something smelled ridiculously good. A soft breathing on my cheek caught my attention, finally realizing it was someone. It was Aaron. I jumped a little and then I felt his big, warm hand move slightly on my waist.
"Somethings not right here..." I thought.
I slipped out of his grasp, not evening budging him from his sleep. I looked over at the opposing bed to see that Brad and Carly's messy bed was empty. I glanced down at Aaron, he was so adorable, but it was wrong to go back and snuggle up with him. Even when your best friend and her boyfriend set you up like that. I walked into the kitchen and found a note:

"Evie,
Brad and I went down to the beach... he has his phone.
I want mine back, by the way. We'll be home around four or something.
Carly<3
P.S.
You and Aaron are too cute. ;)
"

I could have ran down to the beach right then and there and kicked Carly's ass. But instead, I walked into the grand bathroom and started the hot water of the shower.

I let the hot water poor down onto my face and past my shoulders. I felt goosebumps appear on my arms, and I inhaled lightly, letting the water's warmth embrace me. All that went through my mind was the way Aaron held me. It was so nice, and of course I wanted it forever. I wanted Aaron. So bad.
***

I emerged from the bathroom in orange flip-flops, jean shorts, and a strapless, orange bathing suit cover up, my bathing suit top underneath, ready for Miami.
"Good morning." I said, walking across the hall into the kitchen, greeting the half-asleep Aaron. He glanced up at me and showed no emotion other than tiredness.

"Morning." he responded expressionless. I glanced at the scrambled eggs he was eating ever so slowly.

"You eat?!" Oops! It came out, unintentionally. Of course he ate. But in school, when I find myself looking at Aaron, he's never eating. It's truly the first time I've seen the boy eat. He stared at me like I was insane.

"Um, like every other person in the world, yes."

I laughed at his sarcasm, then opened the fridge, "Making fun of the starving kids in Africa, are we?" I heard a silent chuckle escape Aaron's lips. "Don't make fun of them!" I teased, hauling myself on top the counter with grapes as he leaned against it. He shook his head, smiling down at the plate of food.

"So when are you dying your hair again?" I saw him indicating to my hair.

"I don't know, really. I'm thinking a nice auburn/red." I plopped a grape into my mouth.

"Isn't your natural color brown?" He asked, finishing the plate of eggs. I shook my head,

"Nope, red."

"Red?"

"Yup." I ate a few more grapes.

"We're back!" I heard Carly's voice ring out.

"I'm gone!" I rang back, jumping off the counter, heading for the door.

"Where are you going?" Brad asked as I brushed past him. I had my hand on the door knob when Brad yelled, "Fine, ignore me. 'Not my fault Aaron and you had such a 'touching' morning." I could have shot Brad Ray Kesol just then. I still haven't told Aaron about Brad and Carly's little prank; crap.

"What?" Aaron asked, joining us in the main hallway.

"Ask them." I pointed to Carly and Brad. Aaron turned to face them, but they simple shrugged. I rolled my eyes, grabbed my purse, and was out the door.
***

I was walking the boardwalk, the ocean breeze lightly whipping my hair. The sun was blazing off heat. I would definitely be getting sunburn.
"Evie! Evie, 'that you?" I turned to face a tall, skinny girl. She had hazel-green eyes that were outlined in light brown eyeliner and mascara. She had pearly rings around her pretty eyes, her light brown hair barely brushing her shoulders, and side bangs shaping her lightly freckled face.

"Jessica!" I gasped, running over to one of my good friends from school. I thought Carly, Brad, and I would be the only ones in Miami from Mt. Manor High. "What are you doing here?" I asked her, hugging her. She backed up and smiled her pearly whites.

"My dad's vice president of Coca-Cola, remember? You know how we have that condo' in Jersey, well, we got one here now because Coca-Cola is
sponsoring Miami! So, I was aloud to take three friends down to our new condo' for Spring Break!" Jessica explained, jumping up and down with excitement.

"Mad sweet!" I cooed, smiling back at her, "Who are the three friends?"

Jessica soon wrapped an arm around a boy taller than her. He had shady brown hair whipped to the side, almost in a spiked manor, coa-coa skin, bright and energetic eyes, dimpled smile, and nice abs. "Evie, this is Steve, my boyfriend." Jessica squealed as "Steve" kissed her cheek, placing an arm around her now.

'Dayyy-ummmn,' I thought, 'not bad, Jessica.'
"I'm guessing Steve is friend number one, but who are friends two and three?" I questioned, leaning on one leg. Then, as if on cue, a short, no, really short girl and a nice built boy came walking up to Jessica and Steve. I knew the two right off the bat: Mia Lessina, and her boyfriend Kevin Neil. Two of my good friends from back home. Mia had brown hair also, but it was darker than Jessica's. Hers was curly and wavy and gorgeous. She had light brown eyes outlined in a little eyeliner and some eyeshadow. Her cheeks didn't need any blush; her smiling took care of that. She was very skinny and very short, just like Carly, and had the cutest personality. Her boyfriend, Kevin, was tall and somewhat lanky. They started dating in 9th grade. Kevin is known for doing drugs, selling and buying. But I know Mia looks past that; Mia doesn't drink or do drugs. Kevin had sandy blond, curly hair almost like an Afro. His blue eyes were covered with contacts and sunglasses, and was very outgoing like Mia herself.
"Nice." I said before Jessica could speak up.

Mia turned to me, "Oh my gosh! Evie!"

I smiled in return, "Good to see you, too, Mia!" As we four chatted, I turned my attention to the beach. By himself, Aaron sat on the beach in trunks starring off into space. I told Jessica and them I was going back to the hotel room for my head hurt from the heat. Of course they bought it and I made my way to the hotel. When they were out of site, I changed my direction to the beach.

I snuck up behind Aaron, tip-toeing ever so lightly, ready to scare him, then, he turned to face me. "Damn." I sighed. He smirked only a little and turned back to look at the sea. I sat down in the sand next to him.

"So..." I started, trying to make conversation. "What's your story?" I asked him, looking out into the ocean. He was quiet, I could hear his feet move past the towel he was sitting on and into the sand. I glanced over at him, he was leaning back on his elbows, his tan chest: bare. I waited impatiently, "Okay... never mind." He glanced at me, then back at the water again. This was getting nowhere. "Would you tell me if I told mine?" I did my traditional 'raise-one-eyebrow' look.

Still looking out at the ocean, he spoke, "Screw it. 'Doesn't matter if you or anyone else tells me their story. What's my business is mine...and nobody else's."

I was a bit taken back by his answer, "Can I at least know something?" I shrugged. He was acting like an immature little girl. If he agreed on coming then why is he being such an ass?

"I read." He blankly said in a smart mouth tone. I got up and brushed the sand off. Aaron shifted to an upright position before standing up. He faced me with distant eyes.

"Wan-"

He cut me off before I could finish, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so rude. You don't have to go."

I stared smiling, which soon turned into a muffled laugh. Confusion plastered his face. "You think I'm running away... you think you made me feel bad?" I asked, my shoulders bobbing up and down as I laughed. "I don't know what you're thinking, but I got up to go swim!" I started to removed my flip flops, along with my shorts. Aaron's thin lined lips formed an "o" shape. I walked up to the shore line, the water spritzing on my legs, as each wave rolled in. "You swimming?" I asked him as I entered the cold water.

"No." He bluntly said as he sat back down.

I laughed a little before replying, "Okay, whatever."
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.
  





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Wed Apr 09, 2008 5:58 pm
sokool15 says...



"Hell no!" Brad yelled, "No offense." He said to Aaron. Arron shrugged,

"Non taken."


Arron = Aaron

Non = None

Comma after "Hell"

---

A pretty good chapter, in all! A few more typos like the ones I pointed out above, but like I said before, you could easily find those yourself. No offense, but I don't really like the main character that much! She's kind of bratty and insensitive and weird. It's a good story, but I'd like to see the main character being someone Aaron might actually WANT to hang around, if you know what I mean!

Thanks for the pm, by the way. Continue, please! (pm me with number 4?)

Au revoir ~ MademoiselleKool 8)
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein
  





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Wed Apr 09, 2008 6:44 pm
Fall_Into_The_Sky says...



Where are you going?" Brad asked as I brushed past him. I had my hand on the door knob when Brad yelled, "Fine, ignore me. 'Not my fault Aaron and you had such a 'touching' morning." I could have shot Brad Ray Kesol just then. I still haven't told Aaron about Brad and Carly's little prank; crap.


This is my favorite scene in the story.
Pm me for the 4th part.
Nothing much to critique.
The only wrong love is only one never felt.
Live to day as if your would die tomorrow.
Love like you know no other, dream as if they'd come true, hope because you can reach the stars.
  





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Wed Apr 09, 2008 7:35 pm
day tripper says...



Haha; thanks sokool15: the main character is me. X:
But no, she's supose to be like that in the begining.
She changes, see, Aaron is like, hmm how should I say this,
Aaron and Evie dont like each other but they do.
Aaron in real life is this boy named Evan.
And like, about 7 months ago Evan and I almost hooked up,
and like, Evan doesn't talk to me now, ignores me, is stubborn,
and doesn't really talk to anyone and is ALWAYS staring at me.
And I, on the other hand, claim to hate him.
But he still likes me a lot, and tells his friend David who tells me.
And I still like him a LOT.
And yeah.
So you'll see what happens through out the chapters.


...I'm sorry I'm bratty! haha
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.
  





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Tue May 13, 2008 8:30 am
budding writer says...



now this chapter was what i think the best. if the chapter is long then te readers get engrossed, and thats what we all read for don't we ? few things to review so here they are :
-
It really was nice. When you walked in, you were in a long, narrow hallway. On your right, a built in book shelf that had its own ceiling light reflecting off the tan colored walls. Next to that, an arch way leading to a small kitchen, on your left, a glass door looking into a grand bathroom. At the end of the hallway, an arch way opened up into a room with two twin sized beds. A flat screen on the wall, an X-Box 360 and radio/DVD player below it, and a walk-in closet. Of course there was a deck, but what hotel room didn't have one? Thank god Carly's mom payed for this room!
a great description ! good !
-
"Non taken."
non is none
-
"I don't care! That's not fair!" Carly still protested."I don't care!
cut out the "I don't care! part
the rest was very engaging :D
## My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations ##
  





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Sun May 18, 2008 8:55 pm
nilou-and-amani says...



I loved it! It's extremely interessting! Aaron reminds me of this guy i know. Stubborn, careless and tries to be insensitive when he's really soft and mushy inside!
It was great but you made a few minor mistakes here and there. Just read over it again and again.
Also, try to improve your descroptions. You get too comma-happy and there are way too many ands. Try approaching it in a different way.

I'm going to go read the next chapter now! Keep on writing!

Nilou.
"Security is mortal's chiefest enemy"- William Shakespeare
  





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Thu Sep 04, 2008 2:42 am
JC says...



So I had this lovely, long critique for this, and it got deleted by the stupidity of my computer, so here's the gist of it.

Look over this once very carefully. There are moments when you use too many commas and others where there aren't enough.

The beginning description of the hotel room was bland and confusing; replace the word 'your' with 'the'. Most hotel's look the same, and so try telling the reader what is unique about it.

The friendship between Evie and Carly confuses me. I'm sure it's just me, but there seems to be some sort of tension between them. It might be teasing, but it seems to me like more. Something more like arguing. I mean, they're in Miami on vacation together, you would think that best friends would hang out, unless Carly is putting Brad first, in which case is Carly okay with that? It just seems like they aren't as close as they let off.

So, in a nutshell, watch out for over description, use of comma's, and the way you portray what you're really trying to say. All of this should clear up in the second draft and it'll all get easier from there.

Again, very good job and keep up the good work!!!!
-JC
(Again with the PM thing :D)
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett
  





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Thu Sep 04, 2008 2:44 am
JC says...



Oh, something I forgot.

I didn't so much like the parts where you changed perspective. I think it would be better to reveal that through some sort of interaction between Evie and Carly.
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett
  








I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do.
— Leonardo da Vinci