Here are a few things I'd be very happy to know:
#1) Are the characters realistic? Too perfect or too flat?
#2) How can I improve the dialog? (I think I really need help here...)
#3) Is there anything missing? Is the plot completely clear?
Reviews are greatly appreciated!
All part of the camouflage
They were sitting at a window table at "Miranda's", a small street café right across from the City Bank. A cold autumn wind, mixed with raindrops, was blowing leaves across the street and the sky had turned a fierce grey. A storm was coming up.
Lucy leaned back in her chair and pretended to study the menu once more. Out of the corner of her eye she watched two of the guards, who worked at the bank come in for their break. They always visited "Miranda's" at five o'clock in the afternoon to have a pot of tea and a chat. And that was the reason she was here. Listening to the guards chatting about their job. Collecting information. Important information. Funny, how many important details about the security system of the bank the guards dropped, when they were off duty, not knowing that two criminal master minds were sitting right next to them.
Criminal, sure. Criminal, but genius. George was especially genius, although she'd never admit it. Currently George was sitting across from her, his handsome face pulled into a smile, watching her intently with those clear grey eyes. This misty-eyed gaze was, of course, very annoying, but she had to endure it. All part of the camouflage, she told herself.
"I think I'm ready to order now, honey," she said, putting the menu down in front of her and smiling at George so sweetly, that it was pure irony. Who'd had the stupid idea to act as a couple anyway?
George grinned and waved one of the waitresses over to their table. She was tall, blonde and admittedly quite pretty and she was obviously very pleased to be requested by the most handsome male in the room. Again. George always waved this particular waitress over. Lucy watched her check him out. Literally. The waitress' eyes looked him over about four times before she took even one step in their direction. Lucy rolled her eyes. Yeah, sure he looked charming in his dark grey sweater that complimented his eyes so well and, sure, she noticed the way it stretched over his well-trained muscles. Of course Lucy noticed! Who didn't? But how could this girl look at him that way? She didn't even know his name let alone what he was like.
"Hello you two! My name is Casey and I'll be your server this afternoon," the waitress said with the widest smile Lucy had ever seen. What a surprise. Of course Casey didn't even glance at her, but batted her eyelashes at George like crazy. Lucy couldn't help but make a face. How pathetic.
"So, what can I get you," the waitress asked in a manner that annoyed the hell out of Lucy. Still the girl was making eyes at George.
"Oh, I'll have a cup of Earl Grey," he responded smiling sweetly, making the waitress blush slightly.
"And you, darling?" He grinned and twinkled his eyes at Lucy which caused the color to drain from the waitress' face just as quickly as it had appeared.
"An iced fruit tea, please," she answered coolly, giving the waitress a polite smile and, after she had left she, still smiling, shot an angry look at George. What the hell was he playing at?
George just grinned and indicated her to lean towards him. Eventually she did, but not without shooting him another angry look.
"What," she hissed.
"Oh, our guards are having quite an interesting conversation and I thought you might like to listen..." Judging by his broad grin he was very amused at her. Great.
"I swear she is so into me. Did you see the way she smiled at me? Really, I can tell, she wants me so bad..."
"Josh. Listen. She served you your coffee. That was it."
Muffled laughter at the table.
"Yes, but the way her hand held the mug and the extra care she poured the milk with and her smile and the way she said 'Here you go sir'..."
More laughter.
Josh, the fat little guard, watched hungrily as a brunette waitress helped an elderly lady out of her coat.
"Hey, you think she'd date me?"
Laughter.
"Hate to break it to you, dude, but... no."
Lucy couldn't suppress a smirk. Those guys were just too stupid.
"Told you, you'd want to listen," he said, still grinning, reaching out for her hand now.
"And I believe I told you not to overdo the couple disguise thing," she said, pulling her hand back, but nevertheless remaining caught in his mischievously sparkling eyes.
"An iced fruit tea for you, ma'am and an Earl Grey for you, dear," a slightly too loud voice interrupted.
Even before she looked up Lucy knew who was standing there, setting an ice tea right in front of her nose. Casey. A lot more slowly than she had set down Lucy's drink she set down George's steaming hot Earl Grey, brushing
his hand with hers. Accidentally.
"Be careful, it's hot." Lucy felt like puking. "Anything else I can get you?"
"No, I think I have everything I want," George answered mischievously glancing at Lucy. Lucy quickly looked down. This is all part of the camouflage. You're both on duty, doing your job.
But... what was that about?
Casey seemed to be wondering the same thing. She looked disgusted. But instead of just shoving off she put on her charming little smile.
"You know, I've always wondered what your name is, dear," she said, madly batting her eyelashes.
What?!
Judging by his answer George had been prepared for this question. No surprise here. George was always prepared.
"Jack's the name m'dear."
He gave her another one of his flattering smiles and turned to face Lucy again. Casey pursed her lips. Obviously she was not pleased with the way this was going.
"So Jack," she said, her voice getting higher, "what do you do for living?"
George looked up at her again, slightly raising an eyebrow.
"Now my colleague, Silvia here," he gestured toward Lucy, "and I work in the cash-flow-management of a small company."
"Cash-flow management... Sounds interesting. What do you do there?"
Cash-flow management. Which syllable of the word didn't she get?
George, again, raised his eyebrow and Lucy would swear she heard him let out a little groan. He was clearly getting annoyed now. A smug smile crept across Lucy's face. Good for him.
"Basically..." Oh no, there was just no way she'd let him go through the whole thing now... "What we do is -"
"We rob banks."
Both George and Casey's heads shot around to look at her and for a moment none of them said a word. There was nothing to be heard but the clatter of teacups and the chattering of the other customers. Even George who usually kept cool in any situation was totally stricken by surprise. He caught himself quickly though and seconds later George and Lucy both burst out laughing.
Casey who naturally didn't find anything funny about the whole thing turned around and stomped away without another word.
"You, Lucy, have completely gone crazy," he said once they had calmed down a bit. Although he was doing his best to look angry and disapproving he couldn't completely suppress an amused smile.
"Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops," she replied, a cheeky grin on her face. "Now let's get back to our guards."
She bent over to be able to listen better. George leaned toward her also and started to play with her hands. She automatically tried to pull them back, but he gripped them firmly. This was all part of the camouflage, right?
"Okay, I think they're talking about their families now. Seems like we came here for nothing," she said. As she turned to face George again she nearly jumped. He'd come a lot closer.
"Um...," she started, but the words got lost somewhere in her throat. She was completely caught in the gaze of his raincloud grey eyes.
"You know," he said, suddenly smiling mischievously again, "if we were really dating, this would be the part where I'd be forced to kiss you."
Suddenly the words came back to her.
"Don't even-" Ignoring her attempt at a protest he leaned over the table just a little bit further and kissed her.
-think of it, she silently finished her sentence. And as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and kissed him back she thought: Maybe this couple camouflage thing isn't that bad after all...
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