Young Writers Society

EDITED: Just a few things changed, but hopefully it makes a difference. ^.^


Chocolate Chip Fantasies
Life lingers like the aroma of Mama's cookies.
When I couldn't sleep, she'd spend an hour in front of the oven
in her blue and white flowered apron singing Sinatra.
(Cookies fixed everything.)

After stopping, she'd find me curled up on the couch,
soothed by the familiar scent and the mundane sound
of her voice drifting in through the swinging doors.
(I was never that awake to begin with, just wanted cookies.)

I'd blanket myself in the old quilt Grandma passed down
right before she passed on,
the one with the sugar plum fairies that dance in my dreams
if I use imagination before bed.

(Grandma was all about thinking extraordinary -
all the sugar plums wore
itsy-bitsy-teene-weenie-yellow-polka-dot bikinis
big, yellow sunglasses and held little purple beach balls.)

I'd dream myself into the sugar plum castle pool
with my matching bikini and shades.
The sugar plum queen presented my beach ball herself,
and mine was always biggest.

Mama would watch me for a moment,
debating on whether to interrupt my fantasies.
I know this, because she was always a female Cheshire Cat
perched in a tree extending one branch over the water.

Glimpsing her eyes, I'd clamber from the pool
to clutch her velvety paw. (Mama always had soft hands).
She'd carry me out of my dreams and
to the kitchen where a plate of cookies and warm milk waited.

On nights like those, I'd sloth back to bed blimp-like
where I would drift with Iorek Byrnison
and the fellow in the goofy hat (Lee Scorsby)
on my way to conquer the Gobblers by Lyra's side.

Mama always had a way of making cookies linger.

Wow. That was great. My only critiques are grammar-related (because I'm a freak for little things like that).

I'd blanket myself in the old quilt grandma passed down

You should capitalize Grandma.

I dreamed myself into the sugar plum castle pool

I believe it's dreamt. I may be wrong, but "dreamed" just sounds awkward.

itsy-bitsy-teene-weenie-yellow-polka-dot bikinis
and big, yellow sunglasses and held little purple beach balls.

two "ands" in one line is over-doing it. Maybe you could cut out the second "and" and make the beach ball thing a new line. Or maybe you could have them tossing the beach balls or something. I'm not really sure.

She'd chaperon me out of my dreams and

"chaperone" needs an "e". Now that I'm looking at it, I'm not sure if it's a good verb choice, since it makes me think of field trips and supervision. Perhaps "coax" or "escort" would work better?

One last critique: Who are those people you mentioned in the last stanza? Are they dream-people or am I supposed to know who they are?

Overall, loved it. Great job and keep writing!

The last people are in 'The Golden Compass' It's pretty popular these days, so I figured people might know who they are. Maybe I should make that more clear.. =/


As for your other suggestions, I shall look it over and edit as needed.
Thank you, Thank you, so much for the crit.



EDIT:
My spellchecker thing says chaperone is wrong and chaperon is right... which is probably why I took off the 'e' ><

Oh well, -moves on to new verb- ^.^



EDIT: [[again]]
I used carry to replace chaperon, which was spelled right according to my thesaurus, too, weird, huh? I always thought there was an 'e', too.
I took out the first and in the itsy-bitsy[[ect]] lines.
capped Grandma for you.
my spell checker says dreamt isn't a word, and i hate seeing those little red lines, so i just made it 'I'd dream' to make everyone happy.


Again, thank you for the suggestions!

[[and, I'm a little bit of freak for grammar, too, but I can never see it when it's in my own work, 'cause I KNOW what it's supposed to say, you know?]]

Cheers. <33

I have to be honest and say I didn't really like this. I found it simple and a little unoriginal. At first, I thought there was going to be some huge revelation at the end like mama's dead or something or mama doesn't make cookies anymore but it's... just a poem about making cookies? It's fun, it's cute but there isn't really much more and I think it could have been shorter and still had the same or more of an impact.

I think your persona needs work first. It's good that she's easy to relate to and to some extent I like how the simplicity of the poem reflects her young age but there's not much that's unique about the picture you paint. Milk and cookies. Young girl curled up on the sofa. Some form of quilt knitted by or passed down by granny. I just think you could have added more personality to her. Here's a few of my thoughts -

Chocolate Chip Fantasies
Life lingers like the aroma of Mama's cookies. [I think this is a good start and you could really add some impact to this poem if you added just a line or so at the end like 'Mama lingers in the kitchen though she's gone' or just something to give it more of a plot so it doesn't feel like you're just writing about cookies.]
When I couldn't sleep, she'd spend an hour in front of the oven
in her blue and white flowered apron singing Sinatra.
(Cookies fixed everything.) [I like your tendancy to put thoughts in brackets but this stanza is a little bland. Maybe add some imagery to describe the scene more, to draw the reader in?]

After stopping, she'd find me curled up on the couch,
soothed by the familiar scent and the mundane sound
of her voice drifting in through the swinging doors.
(I was never that awake to begin with, just wanted cookies.) [Again, the thoughts in brackets is good and there's a slight change in tone. Maybe you could make that more distinct. Maybe have the thoughts seem to be direct from the past, from her younger self and then you could write the rest of the poem in a more sophisitcated style but still maintain the voice of the child.]

I'd blanket myself in the old quilt Grandma passed down
right before she passed on,
the one with the sugar plum fairies that dance in my dreams
if I use imagination before bed.

(Grandma was all about thinking extraordinary -
all the sugar plums wore
itsy-bitsy-teene-weenie-yellow-polka-dot bikinis
big, yellow sunglasses and held little purple beach balls.) [I think the touch of originality was good here. That the sugar plum fairys aren't just stereotypically dressed but I think maybe something other than the above line. Something more extreme and extraordinary like suits of armour?]

I'd dream myself into the sugar plum castle pool
with my matching bikini and shades.
The sugar plum queen presented my beach ball herself,
and mine was always biggest. [I don't really think this stanza is necessary. It doesn't provoke a particularly strong image.]

Mama would watch me for a moment,
debating on whether to interrupt my fantasies.
I know this, because she was always a female Cheshire Cat
perched in a tree extending one branch over the water.

Glimpsing her eyes, I'd clamber from the pool
to clutch her velvety paw. (Mama always had soft hands). [I like this line.]
She'd carry me out of my dreams and
to the kitchen where a plate of cookies and warm milk waited.

On nights like those, I'd sloth back to bed blimp-like
where I would drift with Iorek Byrnison
and the fellow in the goofy hat (Lee Scorsby)
on my way to conquer the Gobblers by Lyra's side.

Mama always had a way of making cookies linger.

_________________
In general, it was a good poem if it was not intended to be a seriously, poetic piece of writing but it was a little weak and more of a personal piece. I'm sorry I couldn't help much but I seem to really lack suggestions where your poetry is concerned. Don't worry, there will be others who really love it and some who can give you good direction.

I hope my thoughts were at least a little helpful,

Heather xx

thank you. i shall look it over. ^.^

I liked this. It was really cute. I love cookies too!!

This poem made a total insomniac like me sleepy.
In a good way!
It was very dreamy and original..
And humorous too.

Thank you, Em. ^.^





I still need to get around to editing this. Time is not on my side. ><

mundane

I don't like the use of this word. So far you seem to be conveying cookies as a wonderful thing, and now you go and say that they're nothing special.

EDIT: Oops! I'm critiquing as I read, so I didn't finish that bit. Ignore it.

itsy-bitsy-teene-weenie-yellow-polka-dot bikinis

Haha. Cute. It sounds just like a little girl. ne thing, teene is spelt teeny.

Nice. It was sweet. I'm not very good at poetry (I'll pick up on spelling mistakes, but poetry isn't my area of expertise). Now I'm mad at you, though, because I want cookie and I have en't got any.

But yeah, I liked it.

Thank you for the comments. ^.^ Everything helps. =]
I'll fix the spelling later. I have to get off the comp.