Young Writers Society

Hey guys!
Some of you may have read the original 'NN -- Prologue'. Well, this is a rewrite. It's a lot different, and it takes place four years before the original prologue. ^_~

Anyway. I have lots of issues with character development, so any advice on how to incorporate that in this would earn you my tremendous gratitude. And it would be great if you guys could answer the questions at the end!

Enjoy! (Hopefully you will...)

Prologue: Black Water, Red flame. [Stage: Rough draft]

Curdled moonlight writhed on the blade as she held it on high. Dusky pines formed a ragged circle around her, like teeth tearing into the star-strewn blanket of the sky.
The air was hot and heavy with sin. The forest was still, waiting for a sound to break the silence -- and she brought the knife down.
The night was washed in scarlet.
Souls wrenched apart with the grating shriek of metal on metal. A cruel mouth gaped, the muscles frozen, pulled taut in a silent scream.
Darkness rushed into the world, borne on wings of malice and strife.

* * * * *

Torches flickered from the opposite side of the river, spilling a sallow light on rows of black-masked faces. Isaria hissed in frustration. There was no way for her to cross; swift black water rushed close to her feet, rolling and knotting like muscle. She would have to wait for them to make the first move.

"Isaria."

She gritted her teeth at the sound of her name being spoken by such a hated one, but her voice was even as she said, "leader of the Cørra."

He had no name to speak of, and no honour. Still, she knew that it would not do to provoke him, so she continued in the same neutral tone, "what are you doing here? This is not your kingdom."

No answer came from the opposite riverbank. The Cørra whispered amongst themselves, a sound like dry bones and autumn leaves stirred by the wind. Isaria's patience rose. I didn't come here on the first night of StarFell to watch them bickering like old women! she thought crossly. It had been agreed long ago that the Cørra would keep to their own lands, and she would keep to hers. What was so urgent that they had to break their word?

But silence swept over the river as the leader of the Cørra spoke. "We know the law as well as you do," -- he stopped and turned to face her, and she raised her head proudly to meet that soulless white gaze -- "but we have found something that may be... of interest to you."

"Oh?" she called across the river, "and what might that be?"

Her mind raced with possibilities as she waited for an answer, some of them unpleasant. She knew that things the Cørra found interesting might not appear that way to her. But before she could voice that opinion, an outbreak of whispering arose from the opposite riverbank, and she held her tongue to watch with cold grey eyes.

The torchlight wavered as the crowd of Cørra parted, forming a narrow passageway through the reeds. Isaria's curiosity pricked and she took a step closer, in order to see better into the seething shadows on the other bank.

She couldn't see anything, but snarls curled through the silence. Not animal snarls, though they have a certain feral edge, Isaria thought.

One of the Cørra held out a torch -- and its flickering light fell on the face of a young girl. Fetid, ashy hands held her forearms; a grey pallor leeched from their fingertips into the girl's bronzed flesh.

"Who is this?" Isaria asked. The girl's face was unfamiliar: skin tanned golden, a cat-like expression, green eyes slitted with pain. She looked about ten winters old -- almost the same age as Ayra, Isaria's daughter.

The leader of the Cørra pointed to a slender ankle bound with ropes. Etched in blue-back ink was a swirling, sprawling tattoo. Isaria's lips parted in shock -- the girl was Elkarian! "Where did you find her?" she asked. Her voice shook with anger. The Cørra had been causing trouble for many seasons, but to take one of her people?

The Cørra laughed softly -- a sound that resembled choking rather than laughter -- and pulled back on the girl's long auburn hair, baring her throat. Even from her position on the other side of the river, Isaria could see that her pupils were dilated with terror.

Pity tempered with rage; how had one of her people been taken by the Cørra? Even more importantly, how had she not noticed? The answer crept over her as stealthily as a panther stalking its prey. The girl was not from her kingdom.

To take in someone from an enemy kingdom was unthinkable, she knew. But she could not leave the girl at the mercy of the Cørra. Then Isaria snarled. The Cørra have no mercy, she thought.

Pushing away those troubling thoughts, she said, "You are right. The girl is of interest to me. If you send her over now, we will allow you to leave in peace."

"Your arrogance is not appreciated, Isaria. We want a price for the girl -- allow us the Black Lake and the poppy fields that surround it for hunting, and she is yours."

"I refuse," Isaria said bluntly. Everyone knew that the lake and the surrounding land belonged to the wolves. She would have to find another way to get the girl.

"You refuse? Then we shall leave, and take her with us," -- he loosened his grip on the mane of auburn hair -- "but who knows what we will do on your lands?"

Isaria felt a snarl building in her chest. Why would the Cørra want the Black Lake so much? Why was the girl so important to them? With a sudden jolt of unease, she locked her gaze on the girl, searching for the telltale ivy tattoos, the whiteness creeping over her pupils. But there was none. The girl was not a daughter of the Cørra.

Relief rushed through her. She twirled a lock of dark hair between her fingers absentmindedly, willing herself to look as if she did not care about the girl or her future. But her mind was whirring, desperate to come up with a way to breach the distance between the riverbanks.

A sudden movement on the other side of the bank made her head snap up. So much for looking indifferent, she thought. The Cørra were leaving; torches were extinguishing rapidly, plunging the surrounding reeds into darkness. There was only one thing to do.

Second Nature...

Isaria felt the familiar ache in her chest, the familiar sensation of weighing no more than a feather. Her bones crunched as her skeleton twisted; tendons tore and reformed with lightning speed. Through the pain -- which she was still unaccustomed to, even after all these years -- she heard a sharp intake of breath from one of the Cørra. Her jaws gaped in a soundless scream of agony -- and it was over.

Her mind shifted into a more feline state; old thoughts spiraled away, leaving only one motive: Get the girl.

Cørra on the riverbank. Dark water lapping at the shore. Do not swim in it -- the night of StarFell, it is unsafe to venture into water. Get the girl.

"I know you! Child of the Eclipse..." the whisper came from one of the Cørra.

Isaria growled from low in her chest, lifting her lips to reveal teeth like ivory thorns. She swung a broad, powerful black head and forth, her steel-grey eyes fixed on the other side of the river.

"Mage of the eclipse, now." The Cørra's voice was tense, tight with anxiety. He knew her. His eyes narrowed as he looked at Isaria; she was larger now, older than when he had seen her last. No longer a child, but a lioness.

"What are you doing? Do not talk to her -- we are leaving," the leader of the Cørra said impatiently, but his voice was tinged with fear.

Get the girl. She was only a few paces away. How nice it would be to leap at the Cørra, to rip out their throats! Isaria could almost taste the blood, almost feel its warmth seeping into her fur. Only the girl matters.

A plan. She needed a plan. She tilted her head to the sky, where stars glittered like snow sprinkled on the dark-feathered wing of night. Wishing she could find something other than beauty there, she swung her head down again and fixed her gaze on the Cørra, cold and calculating.

Intuition came to her then, as if the stars had indeed imparted wisdom. She bunched her muscles, preparing to spring -- and the effect was immediate. The Cørra hissed and blew out their torches, melting into the darkness without a sound.

Only the leader remained. His white eyes burned with fury, and he spat, "You win, this time around. But we will have the black lake, whether you like it or not."

Without warning, he pushed the girl away from him. She had been watching somewhat impassively the whole time, but now her eyes stretched wide as she stumbled -- tried to catch her balance -- and tumbled into the dark waters of the river.

No! Shock coursed through Isaria's limbs like wildfire. She bounded through the reeds, ignoring the sting as the barbed edges tore at her fur, trying to keep the girl's head in sight.

She didn't even notice as her concentration slipped and she rippled back into Elkarian form. Mud oozed between her bare toes as she leant out over the river, arms outstretched.

I can't lose her after all this! Isaria thought in frustration.

The next few seconds would be crucial. She leant out a little farther, as far as she could without stepping into the water...

... And her fingers snagged on the girl's sleeve as she went past. Isaria breathed a sigh of relief and hauled her out of the river. She was surprisingly light; her clothes clung to her now that they were wet, and Isaria noticed that the girl was very thin.

Anger coursed through her, hot and churning. No one, no one, had the right to starve one of her people! She whipped her head around to look at the Cørra, her eyes narrowed to furious slits, but he was gone.

A weak cough snapped her attention back to the girl. Isaria tilted her head back to ease her breathing, and two shockingly green eyes blinked open.

"Who are you?" Isaria asked as gently as she could.

The girl stared uncomprehendingly at her for a moment, then she said coarsely, "Guinevere. My name is Guinevere."

Not a name I know, Isaria thought grimly. The girl must be from another kingdom.

* * * *

Guinevere couldn't believe it. The Cørra -- they were gone. Bastards, she thought fiercely. She would have killed them -- if she had the strength -- for a couple of arrows.

Last night seemed like a dream. The torches, the river... Isaria, the Elkari -- no, the Mage of the Eclipse. A good dream, yes, but she wondered how long it would be before someone saw her shoulder.

Her shoulder. It ached dully now, tainted by the water. She cursed the Cørra silently. She would have died; rivers were not safe on the first night of the season of StarFell. Not safe at all.

A sharp stab of pain drew her attention back to her shoulder. Cautiously, although no one was nearby, she lifted the arm of her tattered crimson dress.

The skin was unnaturally red, the tattoo of the Cørra standing out lividly. She winced as yet another throb of pain coursed through her shoulder.

She knew what that meant. It was growing.

Soon, it would be harder to hide. These people -- The Elkarians of Na Deltori -- had given her food and shelter. But the Cørra were one of their bitterest enemies.

What would they do to her if she was revealed?

(To be continued...)

-----------------------------------

Now for the questions!

1: Did you get a basic feel for Isaria's and Guinevere's personalities? If so, what were the indicators? If not, how could I improve?
2: Did you notice any clichés? If so, what were they?
3: Did you find it interesting, as a prologue? If so, what caught your attention? If not, why?

And you can let me know in your review if you'd like to be on The List. The List is a list (no duh) of people who I PM every time I post a new chapter.

The List so far:
- KJ
- Azila

Thanks!

Curdled moonlight writhed on the blade as she held it on high. Dusky pines formed a ragged circle around her, like teeth tearing into the star-strewn blanket of the sky.
The air was hot and heavy with sin. The forest was still, waiting for a sound to break the silence -- and she brought the knife down.
The night was washed in scarlet.
Souls wrenched apart with the grating shriek of metal on metal. A cruel mouth gaped, the muscles frozen, pulled taut in a silent scream.
Darkness rushed into the world, borne on wings of malice and strife.

I liked this a lot.

She gritted her teeth at the sound of her name being spoken by such a hated one, but her voice was even as she said, "Leader of the Cørra."
He had no name to speak of, and no honour. Still, she knew that it would not do to provoke him, so she continued in the same neutral tone, "what are you doing here? This is not your kingdom."

Need a space after she speaks.

It had been agreed long ago that the Cørra would keep to heir own lands, and she would keep to hers.

Assuming you meant "their" instead of "heir".

"Oh?" she called across the river, "and what might that be?"
Her mind raced with possibilities as she waited for an answer, some of the unpleasant. She knew that things the Cørra found interesting might not appear that way to her. But before she could voice that opinion, an outbreak of whispering arose from the opposite riverbank, and she held her tongue to watch with cold grey eyes.

Need another space after she speaks. And you're missing an m for them.

Not animal snarls, though they had a certain feral edge, Isaria thought.

Should put thoughts in Italics.

"Your arrogance is not appreciated, Isaria. We want a price for the girl -- allow us the black lake and the poppy fields that surround it for hunting, and she is yours."

Should capitalize "black lake". It's a name.

Why would the Cørra want the black lake so much?

Again, capitalize "black lake".


I really, really liked this. I wasn't as near as good as you are now when I was 12. Your descriptions and sense of emotion is excellent. I'm looking forward to part 2.

She gritted her teeth at the sound of her name being spoken by such a hated one, but her voice was even as she said, "leader of the Cørra."

Why doesn't she just call him by name, or doesn't she know? I just don't think, 'leader of Corra' is very effective, esspecially as you say he is a hated one.

Oh, okay, I read on. I'm critiquing as I read, but I still think you could find something better to put there. Or, why doesn't he have a name?

neutral tone, "what are you doing here? This is not your kingdom."

"What

No answer came from the opposite riverbank.

She must have superb hearing! You said before that the water was 'rushing', and I don't think you could hear someone across the river unless you were shouting.

the girl was Elkarian!

I'm unsure whether it's a particular person, or if you meant to say, the girl was an Elkarian

The girl was not from her kingdom.

You say that it's one of her people, and now the girl's not from her kingdom? That doesn't add up, but maybe it'll be explained as I read.

Only the leader remained. His white eyes burned with fury, and he spat, "You win, this time around. But we will have the black lake, whether you like it or not."

I'm a bit confused. Did she kill them all? Why did he give the girl up so easily?

1: Did you get a basic feel for Isaria's and Guinevere's personalities? If so, what were the indicators? If not, how could I improve?

At first I thought Guinevere was kind of a pushover, but that was contradicted when it switched to her POV. Isaria was the same, very tought, knows what she wants and will get it no matter what.

2: Did you notice any clichés? If so, what were they?

I don't read a lot of fantasy, but nothing seemed cliched. I sppose the whole two worlds fight one another thing is a chilche, but even I'm doing that, and it's alright if you can add something new to it.

3: Did you find it interesting, as a prologue? If so, what caught your attention? If not, why?

Yes, I would read more. I liked the writing, the description and the names. Especially the line through the o in Corra. I love cool names.

Hey there Camille. Sorry if I haven't reviewed your work earlier. I'm quite busy lately with life and school work. So I apologize. Ok you've pmed me to check this piece out, and so I am willing to invest some of my time to critique this piece. Here we go.

Curdled moonlight writhed on the blade as she held it on high. Dusky pines formed a ragged circle around her, like teeth tearing into the star-strewn blanket of the sky.
The air was hot and heavy with sin. The forest was still, waiting for a sound to break the silence -- and she brought the knife down.
The night was washed in scarlet.
Souls wrenched apart with the grating shriek of metal on metal. A cruel mouth gaped, the muscles frozen, pulled taut in a silent scream.
Darkness rushed into the world, borne on wings of malice and strife.

Nice imagery, but it feels more like a shopping list than something that is relevant and important to the novel.

She gritted her teeth at the sound of her name being spoken by such a hated one, but her voice was even as she said, "leader of the Cørra."

Hated one sounds awkward in this sentence. Can you reword it so that it is more direct? There is no need to be so indirect here. By using "hated one' not only is it awkward, but it is quite an exaggeration that is inappropriate for this kind of situation.

The Cørra whispered amongst themselves, a sound like dry bones and autumn leaves stirred by the wind.

This could had been effective if you had placed more emphasis on showing the environment. Right now, the simile seems a bit tacked on. Even if you had added more emphasis on the environment, the wording is more towards telling with the "autumn leaves" part.

"but we have found something that may be... of interest to you."

Not very creative in your dialogue here my dear.

(chucks in generic mysterious/bad guy character with another character)

"But we might have something that may be of interest to you."

Cørra on the riverbank. Dark water lapping at the shore. Do not swim in it -- the night of StarFell, it is unsafe to venture into water. Get the girl.

Rather awkwardly worded.

Isaria felt the familiar ache in her chest, the familiar sensation of weighing no more than a feather.

Repetition of "familiar". The metaphors aren't very consistent with the transformation or what is happening in the plot.

Isaria growled from low in her chest, lifting her lips to reveal teeth like ivory thorns.

Check your wording. How can you reveal teeth like ivory thorns? Aren't you showing the teeth themselves, not how they were revealed?

She swung a broad, powerful black head and forth, her steel-grey eyes fixed on the other side of the river.

You mean back and forth aye?

Only the leader remained. His white eyes burned with fury, and he spat, "You win, this time around. But we will have the black lake, whether you like it or not."

More generic dialogue. (bad guy loses and says "You win this time, but I will have my revenge, mwhahahhaahahahahaha!)

Without warning, he pushed the girl away from him. She had been watching somewhat impassively the whole time, but now her eyes stretched wide as she stumbled -- tried to catch her balance -- and tumbled into the dark waters of the river.

Stumbled and tumbled pretty much possess the same meaning, hence the repetition of an idea.

No! Shock coursed through Isaria's limbs like wildfire.

Having a No! is just redundant, not to mention that it is just childish writing. The similie is also inconsistent with the plot and setting at the moment.

She didn't even notice as her concentration slipped and she rippled back into Elkarian form.

Elkarian form? Be more specific.

No one, no one, had the right to starve one of her people!

Why is that?

Last night seemed like a dream.

Cliche.

What would they do to her if she was revealed?

And yet do I care?

Overall impressions:

I'll cut to the chase: There isn't anything particularly interesting or original about the piece. I mean it's ok, but the lack of originality and the appearances of some cliches really detract from this.

The premise is a "been there done that". Two kingdoms who have a grudge on each other and are in conflict. Not the most original of plots. Extra points if a person from the opposing kingdom is being used as jail-bait. This could had worked if a good effort has been made in having a twist to the idea or it has been deviated from the cookie cutter plot. This is not the case. But this is the least of your problems.

Isaria, as a character is pretty ordinary. I didn't really get a feel for her. She was just there for me, nothing else. I know that she can transform, that she has some sort of combative role in the kingdom vs kingdom conflict and that she dislikes the opposing kingdom from using another person in her kingdom as jail bait. But I ask myself, so what, why should I care for her anyways? You don't really show much of an emphasis them. For example: Why was Isaria determined to save the jail bait? What personal reasons influenced her to do such a thing? And what is this second nature concept? How does it work and how does it play a role with Isaria? What is the characteristics and personality of Isaria? All I saw of her is some sort of angst towards the opposing side, but there is hardly any of her own character or emotions. Her thoughts were just simple and cliche. It is neither complex nor intriguing. You've only used statements, but you don't really show much of the deeper explanations as to why she thinks/feels that way. On top of that, the questions you asked were redundant. If you had shown her character successfully, then such questions are not required.

The imagery and simile's are well worded, but it was just overkill for me. You seem to be under the impression that using imagery and similes allows for a compelling read. It doesn't, as it was quite cumbersome to read and it was rather rough in the flow. Only use imagery/ similes if it is really required, using too much actually makes them inferior to the reader as it is rather hard to digest so much imagery that the reader can actually feel mentally fatigued and feel bored reading this as a result. Trust me, I felt quite bored at the half way mark of this. At times, I had to reread parts several times just to understand what is happening, as the flow is a tad rough with so much imagery and they don't really flow that well. Another problem is the imagery and similes were rather inconsistent and do not flow very well together. I guess this was another reason as to why I felt bored during the half way mark. Just reading this makes my head feel a bit jumbled and distorted.

For example:

Intuition came to her then, as if the stars had indeed imparted wisdom.

How on earth is that related to the character and the situation at hand? It doesn't, you just simply dumped it there and expect it to work.

Another problem would be the cliches. Lets see:

Her voice shook with anger.

"Your arrogance is not appreciated, Isaria. We want a price for the girl -- allow us the Black Lake and the poppy fields that surround it for hunting, and she is yours."

Her mind shifted into a more feline state; old thoughts spiraled away, leaving only one motive: Get the girl.

but his voice was tinged with fear.

She was only a few paces away. How nice it would be to leap at the Cørra, to rip out their throats! Isaria could almost taste the blood, almost feel its warmth seeping into her fur.

Shock coursed through Isaria's limbs like wildfire.

And I think there's a few more but I can't be stuffed finding them. Probably I already got them all. But yeah, you haven't really applied any creativity in showing things in the novel nor deviate it in any way. Most of the time, you show how they felt though "verb + emotion" formula and at times, it is excessive and redundant.

Dialogue isn't that good either, for it isn't that well thought out and doesn't reflect the personality or the character themselves. Dialogue is important in character development, but in here, you just dumped the dialogue into the piece without it actually being integrated with the characters and what is really happening. If you had failed to explain the character's motivations, at least the dialogue could had saved you, but you've failed on that too. I thought to myself "Isaria seems more to be a common vagrant than some person that can use second nature".

Lastly, you tell more than show. I mean seriously, you keep telling us that the Corra are cruel and that your character felt this/ that blah blah blah and other nonsense that is irrelevant to the plot at hand. Trim the fat please, and please don't spoil the reader with the information.

Overall, it was OK, but I did not like it and actually found it quite boring, due to the unoriginality of the plot, the inconsistency/ flow of the sentence structures, the overuse of adverbs, the amount of telling and the lack of details for your main character. I hope you've found this review helpful and I apologize if I was a bit harsh as I was quite mentally fatigued when I was doing this review.

Andy.

P.S: I might try to do the other critique on Alphness later, but I've had a peak at the first few paragraphs of it, and it appears to have a similar problem with this.

Hi, Camille! I'm here as per request... though I was going to come anyway. ^_^ I started this when you didn't have any reviews yet, so if I repeat stuff please excuse me.

I'm afraid that this piece is very grammatically solid, and my nitpicks will probably be rather minimal...

Not animal snarls, though they have a certain feral edge, Isaria thought.

This seemed a bit unrealistic--who thinks so eloquently? I guess it's your character, and I shouldn't get in the way with her personality, but I thought I'd bring it up anyway.

Fetid, ashy hands held her forearms; a grey pallor leeched from their fingertips into the girl's bronzed flesh.

The word "leech" makes me think of sucking but I think what you're trying to say is the opposite. You could portray it differently, saying that the hands were sucking the color from the girl's skin rather than putting bleaching it with the paleness. Does that make any sense? XD Why don't I give an example: "Fetid, ashy hands held her forearms; a grey pallor spread across the girl as the creatures' fingertips leeched her bronzed flesh." Meh. That was lame, because I was trying to only use what you've already written, but try playing with it. ^_~

The girl's face was unfamiliar: skin tanned golden, a cat-like expression, green eyes slitted with pain.

This is a little bit of telling rather than showing, especially the part about her being cat-like. Try to show us her felinity (sp?) rather than telling us about it.

The answer crept over her as stealthily as a panther stalking its prey. The girl was not from her kingdom.

The period in the middle there should be a colon, methinks.

With a sudden jolt of unease, she locked her gaze on the girl, searching for the telltale ivy tattoos, the whiteness creeping over her pupils. But there was none.

But I thought there was such a tattoo on the girl's ankle? *confused*

How nice it would be to leap at the Cørra, to rip out their throats!

"Nice" is a weak word. Weak words should be avoided...

She had been watching somewhat impassively the whole time, but now her eyes stretched wide as she stumbled -- tried to catch her balance -- and tumbled into the dark waters of the river.

I don't really like the rhyming of "stumbled" and "tumbled" but I guess it's not that bad.

She was surprisingly light; her clothes clung to her now that they were wet, and Isaria noticed that the girl was very thin.

The bold part is telling rather than showing. SHOW us that she's thin, maybe changing that part to: "Isaria could see her unnaturally bony figure."

Not a name I know, Isaria thought grimly. The girl must be from another kingdom.

Shouldn't "The girl must be from another kingdom." be italic as well?

She would have killed them -- if she had the strength -- for a couple of arrows.

I don't understand this sentence... why is the last part about the arrows there?

The skin was unnaturally red, the tattoo of the Cørra standing out lividly.

What color is the tattoo? This would be a good place to say it.
-------------------------------

1: Did you get a basic feel for Isaria's and Guinevere's personalities? If so, what were the indicators? If not, how could I improve?I think I got some, although I would have liked the switch of POV to be a bit more contrasty. What i do know is that Isaria [great name, by the way] seems determined and feisty. But I don't know much about Guin.

2: Did you notice any clichés? If so, what were they?Well because this is extreme fantasy, it has that... fantasy feel which I think is a bit cliché, but really I think you should focus on not making your characters cliché because in my opinion, you can tell a stupid story that's been done thousands of times before, but if the characters are original it can still be enjoyable. I will now proceed to lecture you kn your characters.

The Cørra.The whole race seems a bit cliché. Authors often make the evil people be a disgusting/morbid race because that makes it easier for the readers to hate them. Maybe you could fix this by making them be elegant and/or beautiful in some way? Also, try not to make them completely evil, because that in itself is a cliché.

Isaria.She seems (so far anyway) like a typical young heroine who's a leader of a people: determined, strong, relatively fearless, and caring. I say you give her something to make us not like her--maybe an un-called-for fear or bigotry?

GuinevereI don't know much about her yet, but so far she seems like a classic damsel in distress. ^^

3: Did you find it interesting, as a prologue? If so, what caught your attention? If not, why? A little of both. I found your world very intriguing and want to know more about it. However, I wish you had given more action, because if you're going to start with a dramatic scene in which your characters are nervous/determined/scared/whatever, you should do it all the way and make it be action-y. That's just my opinion, of course.


I was a little confused about the part in the beginning, because while it's really nice writing and an intriguing start, it doesn't have much to do with the story (not yet, anyway). I suggest that it be on a separate page from the res of the prologue, as a kind of introduction to a reoccurring theme type thing. Another thing that confused me is when we first see Guinevere: I thought she was dead. I know you say a lot about her eyes, but maybe you should add something about her chest heaving?

Overall, I liked it and want to read more (I think it goes without saying that I want to be on The List?). Your descriptions are characteristically beautiful, even though your characters need work (which also is characteristic for you).

My main suggestion: Thin it out. Keep the descriptions to the bare minimum, scattered throughout the prologue, and focus more on what's happening. Try not to prolong it (I actually prefer short, concise prologues, myself) you can add more descriptions in mellower chapters. ^_~

PM me if I was unclear about anything or if you just want to talk about the novel (or anything else, for that matter ).

Hope this helps!

~Zills~

Thank-you all, those were really great critiques! =) I see what you mean as it being cliché and everything, and I'm going to do something about that. I'll be PMing Zills and Andy.

Azila wrote:Authors often make the evil people be a disgusting/morbid race because that makes it easier for the readers to hate them. Maybe you could fix this by making them be elegant and/or beautiful in some way?

Actually, they are beautiful. ^.^ In a kind of terrifying way, I mean. But I guess I should work on making that clearer? =P

Anyway, thanks so much to you all! I can't do the edit now as my mom needs to use the computer, though. Hopefully it'll be up later tonight?

- Camille xx

Wolf wrote:Actually, they are beautiful. ^.^ In a kind of terrifying way, I mean. But I guess I should work on making that clearer? =P

Yes, you should make that clearer! Maybe try changing some of those adjectives in there... Actually, I think it would be better if you show us that Isaria is in awe of the creatures... whether their stealth or appearance. Something should intrigue her and make her envy them a bit. *starts getting ideas*

I'll be awaiting your PM.
~Zills~

Hey Wolf! Sorry this has taken so long, I've been a bit busy. ^_^

Dusky pines formed a ragged circle around her, like teeth tearing into the star-strewn blanket of the sky.

I'd love this line if it wasn't for "Dusky" ruining it. With that there, it feels like you're trying to hard. But the imagery is bloody fabulous.

"what are you doing here?

Capital W. Even though it's not technically the start of the sentence, it's the start of a sentence. Catch my drift?

Sense make I don't. xD

Isaria's patience rose.

This seems a little contradictory... her patience increased, yet she seems impatient and snappy?

allow us the Black Lake and the poppy fields that surround it for hunting,

Misplaced modifier -- Should be "Black lake for hunting, and the poppy fields blah blah blah."

*Random note* When you interrupt speech with action, you don't need hyphens. Just the commas will do.

Hey Wolf! Sorry this has taken so long, I've been a bit busy. ^_^

Dusky pines formed a ragged circle around her, like teeth tearing into the star-strewn blanket of the sky.

I'd love this line if it wasn't for "Dusky" ruining it. With that there, it feels like you're trying to hard. But the imagery is bloody fabulous.

"what are you doing here?

Capital W. Even though it's not technically the start of the sentence, it's the start of a sentence. Catch my drift?

Sense make I don't. xD

Isaria's patience rose.

This seems a little contradictory... her patience increased, yet she seems impatient and snappy?

allow us the Black Lake and the poppy fields that surround it for hunting,

Misplaced modifier -- Should be "Black lake for hunting, and the poppy fields blah blah blah."

*Random note* When you interrupt speech with action, you don't need hyphens. Just the commas will do.

But we will have the black lake, whether you like it or not."

A spot of inconsistency -- didn't you capitalise Black Lake earlier on?

*Random note* It might be good if you described the transformation more. What's her body doing, how does it feel? Let us crawl inside her for a minute and experience the transformation for ourselves.

She leant out a little farther,

Leaned*

1: Did you get a basic feel for Isaria's and Guinevere's personalities? If so, what were the indicators? If not, how could I improve?

I got a good feel for Isaria, but not so much for Guinevere, mostly because she wasn't given much spotlight, so it's no foul on you. What really got me into Isaria's head was dialogue. I'm a sucker for good dialogue. xD

2: Did you notice any clichés? If so, what were they?

I'd answer this properly, but I'm horribly biased towards fantasy, so I'll hold my tongue.

3: Did you find it interesting, as a prologue? If so, what caught your attention? If not, why?

Your imagery was bloody spectacular. That's what hooked me and would get me to keep reading.

I enjoyed this, and fantasy's not really my cup of tea, so getting me to enjoy fantasy is a good thing!

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

1: Did you get a basic feel for Isaria's and Guinevere's personalities? If so, what were the indicators? If not, how could I improve?

Yes, I somewhat got the basic feel of their personalities. It came from the way they acted.

2: Did you notice any clichés? If so, what were they?

I noticed one, the "only one sickness". The name says it all, doesn't it? But it's used by almost everyone, so I guess it doesn't count.

3: Did you find it interesting, as a prologue? If so, what caught your attention? If not, why?

Yes, the way it was written and the basic plot caught my attention. Whether or not I'll keep reading is still a question I'm wondering about though.

Okay, everybody else has taken a long time to nitpick at your piece (especially the grammatical errors, which most people have told you about), but I just want to say one thing and then answer the questions. If you are really twelve years old (and I'm not saying this to belittle your age; it seems like I'm always mentioning the person's age in a critique), then you are really good for twelve. I also know that I've seen you around the boards posting and I know you take writing seriously. So, that's good!

Now, about the story. It interested me! It was a long selection in some ways. Many times I scroll through a story and if it's too long, I won't read it. This one kept going and going, but I wanted to know what happened next.

1. Did you get a basic feel for Isaria and Guen's personalities?

I think I did on Isaria, but not so much on Guen.

2. Did you notice any cliches? If so, what were they?

Cliches do not bother me like they do other people. I recently read a trilogy by Ted Dekker that was awesome, and part of the story had to do with crossing over to the enemy's side of the lake. I kept seing this scenario in my mind as I read this, and unlike others, it captivated me and kept my attention. Maybe some stuff is a little cliched, but who doesn't love a good story where somebody is kidnapped and offered for a ransom? I did so myself in my novel The Beginning of the End, although she wasn't offered as a ransom. She was used as bait. An entirely different story, but still...

3. Did you find it interesting as a prologue?

I think I've covered that , but yeah, I did actually. Put me on the list!

Thanks so much, everyone!

Saint: *glomps* I really appreciate you taking the time to critique this even though you don't usually for fantasy. All your suggestions and nit-picks will be taken into account when I edit!

Memento: thank you! What do you mean about the 'only one sickness', though? I don't recall writing about anything like that...

khfan890: =) thanks! I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. And yes, I really am twelve years old.

Yes! So many critiques. This is awesome -- and I am going to rewrite this, because god knows it's pretty rough right now.

Cheers,
Camille xx

A few brief suggestions first -

Curdled moonlight writhed on the blade as she held it [s]on[/s] high.

Isaria's patience rose. [I think you mean fell or decreased. Anger would rise but she's running out of patience, not gaining it. Or at least it seems that way after reading her thoughts.]

Isaria's curiosity pricked [I'm sure you could find a better word. Maybe peeked?] and she took a step closer, in order to see better into the seething shadows on the other bank.

The girl's face was unfamiliar: skin tanned golden, a cat-like expression, [Cat-like in what way? Wariness? Content? Cats have many expressions. And maybe use feline instead so that it runs more smoothly. Perhaps 'a feline wariness...'] green eyes slitted with pain.

Relief rushed through her. She twirled a lock of dark hair between her fingers [s]absentmindedly[/s] absently, willing herself to look as if she did not care about the girl or her future.

She swung a broad, powerful black head and forth, [I think you mean head back and forth?] her steel-grey eyes fixed on the other side of the river.

_____________________________________

1: Did you get a basic feel for Isaria's and Guinevere's personalities? If so, what were the indicators? If not, how could I improve? I got a basic feel for Isaria but not much more. I think you need to show her deeper personality, through her speech and through her thoughts. You need to show more than her anger and feud with the corra. You need to show her debating her actions - does she hesitate before approaching the water because she fears it? Ginevere's personality seems too similar to that of Isaria. They're both just 'tough girls' with mysterious secrets and special abilities.

2: Did you notice any clichés? If so, what were they? The feud in general was cliche and quite a lot of your dialogue. The leader of the corra had very little depth and I think that's your main trouble. You need to show more of his personality - would he really be willing to sacrifice one of his own? Why does he want this land? What does he look like even?

3: Did you find it interesting, as a prologue? If so, what caught your attention? If not, why? Yes, it was interesting. Your imagery was beautiful though a little too much in places and I think that the character of Isaria is interesting and the plot has potential, especially if Guinevere is a possible traitor and spy.

Thanks so much, Heather!
Your tips on characterization really help. I'll keep them in mind as I rewrite!

Cheers,
Camille xx

PS. Sorry the nit-picks haven't been fixed yet; they will be once I finish the re-write.

I loved the beginning! I'm not the best critic but...You did have a few problems here and there, mostly misspelling, wording kind of stuff.

I expect more from you!
ST