Young Writers Society

Authors Note:Does this have enough hook? What impressions do you get of the characters so far? Anything else would be amazing!

Chapter One

Agatha looked dead. Her body was sprawled across the couch, with an arm over the edge, head cocked to the side and legs propped against the armrest. Really, though, she was staring at the ceiling. There was a stain that looked like blood.

“I want to leave!” she growled. Agatha kicked her legs, a bit of her wondering if she could hit the stain with one of her shoes. It flew into the air then hit the ground. She took the other one off her foot and threw it at Kel, who was sitting at a table with a mirror propped up against the wall. The high heal struck him in the back and fell to the floor.

Kel pretended not to notice. “I’m not ready,” he whispered. He continued to stick his fingers in his hair, then press it flat against his head. He was skinny and wore a stained suit, but what he hated most was the small piece of hair on his head that stuck into the air like a weathervane. Kel would have clipped it off had they any scissors.

The disturbing red tint of the stain had convinced Agatha it was blood. She wondered who had been killed in her attic without her approval. “The party started seventeen minutes ago.” Agatha was irritated and made it apparent in her voice; it rang like a knife being scraped against plate.

“You won’t die if we don’t leave immediately.”

“I might as well die from how bored I am.”

She was balancing a cigarette on her forehead. When it rolled off and onto the couch she decided to smoke it instead.

“I look hideous,” Kel muttered. Despite that, he stepped away from the mirror and stood over Agatha. The smoke from her cigarette rose right into his face and made him sick.

The smoke puffed out in strange bursts as she laughed. “You look beautiful.” Agatha struggled to speak; the words didn’t want to come out of her mouth. “Really, there is this glow about you that screams beautiful.” There was a big, blue feather sticking out of her hat. It waved at Kel as she continued to giggle. “Can we just leave? You’re such a spoil.”

He moved Agatha’s legs and sat down on the couch. “I feel sick,” was all he said.

The cigarette that dangled from her lip was dangerously close to being finished. She sat up and stuffed the cigarette into a shot glass on the floor.

“Are you going to say that you don’t want to go to the party?” Agatha stared at him with an empty look. “Because I don’t care.” She dug in her purse for another cigarette and, ignored him.

“I don’t want to do it again, Agatha.”

She laughed. “You are so pathetic.”

“I’m having nightmares.”

“I know a doctor who could fix that. His name’s Mr. Al Cohall.” She sheltered the cigarette in her cupped hand and lit it. Cigarettes were the only thing she treated with real love.

Kel sighed and stood. “You could be nicer about it,” he whispered, as he gathered her shoes, “considering how much I do for you.” He put them in her lap, then sat back down. “

While she slipped her shoes on, Agatha made Kel hold her cigarette. “You could be nicer, too.” She snatched the cigarette back and smoked it down until the embers nearly burned her fingers, then pushed it into the cup with the other cigarette. “I haven’t asked you once to pay me rent, have I? I’m giving you a place to stay. If you want, I could kick you back out into the ally where I found you.”

“Then what would you do?” Kel picked up the glass she had been using as an ash tray. The smell that came out of it was the worst part; it was a mix of rot and cigarette smoke. The ashes had fallen apart all over the bottom of the cup, and he could see a burned, disgusting butt from months ago.

Agatha got up and leaned on the doorpost with a drawn out, sarcastic look. “I could find someone else. If you were dumb enough to join me, then there are others.”

He ignored the insult. “Are you ever going to clean this?” Kel showed her the inside of the cup. “I think something is growing inside of it.”

Carefully, as though the thing living in it might jump at her, Agatha peered into the glass. She shrugged. “If you’re so worried about it, clean it yourself.”

On the way out of the house, Kel set the glass in the kitchen. The reasoning was that if the glass was closer to the sink, it might have a better chance of being cleaned. He knew it would probably stay there for a few months, accruing more cigarettes and filth around the rim.

Kel wanted Agatha to clean up after herself for once.

Told you I'd be the first to crit! And shhh! I'm not supposed to be on YWS for another week!

]Her red curls fell in her face, trying to protect the world from her death glare.

Um... maybe deathly?

This was fantastic, Suz! Really! I am already in love with your characters! You have a way with words that I wish I did! I can't really complain about anything other than you kept talking about the cigarrets. That got sort of old by the time the chapter was over.

I really like the characters. You've lured me and and I really want to read the next part!

-Jared

Greetings, Suz, m'dear! ^_^

“Because I don’t care.” She dug in her purse for another cigarette and, [no comma] ignored him.

That's the only punctuation/grammar error I found.

Her red curls fell in her face, trying to protect the world from her death glare.

I honestly think this is fine. ^^ You could just take out trying to, but it's really up to you. It's written well enough so the reader understands what you're saying and it flows well with the rest, in my opinion. I didn't stumble over it.

Does this have enough hook?

I definitely was hooked. I had no problems reading this. Nice job!

What impressions do you get of the characters so far?

Agatha's got attitude. Kel's a pushover. XD Character development was wunderbar! Sehr gut, mein Freund!

Anything else would be amazing!

You are amazing.

I probably didn't help any. xD I apologize. I read it and I was, like, "Wow." It was intense. I loved it. Ich liebe dich. ^_^

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I read this in the advanced critiques section, but didn't leave any feedback. I'll try to here. ^_^

The underlined sentence: cut it, or alter it. Curls falling is a sickeningly familiar phrase. I always have trouble with physical descriptions because they always sound juvenile. But I think the worst thing you can try to do is to hide it like you did there. Just my opinion. I would combine it with the previous sentence of physical description: Her body was sprawled across the couch with an arm over the edge, her head, full of red curls, cocked to the side and legs propped against the armrest.

That's my best suggestion and to me it doesn't sound too much like an attempt to hide phys. desc.

The rest I liked pretty well. The dialogue felt a bit off-kilter, but she's a little out of her mind anyway, so you might attribute that to characterization.

The dirty cup felt like a nice addition. Little things like that tend to help more than hurt.

I loved it!

I was hooked.

Your characters: I got Agatha's attitude, but i don't know what to think of Kel.


Keep writing,

Risa

I believe I promised you a crit, yes? Haha, well let me see, I think I'll try to answer your questions first. Was I hooked? To be honest, at first I wasn't as hooked as I was with your previous short story on this theme but by the end I certainly wanted to read more. I think what it needs is just a touch more description and action. Like when Agatha kicks her shoe at Kel. What colour is it? Is it a shade of red, a tacky yellow, a smart white? Does it maybe leave a mark on his body or clatter when it hits the floor? Or is the floor carpet? What's the room like - the stain has been noted but is the rest reasonable or is it messy?

This leads me into characterization. What you have so far is absolutely wonderful but there's more to a character than the way they talk or act. If you write more about their surroundings - where they're living - then that can really help to show personality.

Other than that, I think your dialogue was well thought out and I like the portrayal of Kel. He came across differently in this first chapter than he did in the short story. He has more depth to him and less passivity. It's good.

Oh, I just thought of something that wasn't so great. I think you do need to hint at some background, some reason that Kel is with Agatha but the whole 'I could kick you back out into the alley where I found you' could be improved. I think you need something more original.

Other than that, just a few small ideas -

Really, though, she was staring at the ceiling. [I think you need to lead into this more. Perhaps something like 'Her eyes appeared to be glazed and unfocused, drifting in the vicinity of the ceiling but in reality they were drawn there, fixated on one particular square.']

Agatha kicked her legs, a bit [Maybe 'part' would sound better?] of her wondering if she could hit the stain with one of her shoes.

The high [s]heal[/s] heel struck him in the back and fell to the floor. [Maybe '...struck him across the back and clattered to the floor.']

Kel would have clipped it off had they owned any scissors. [I'd like you to expand on this. Maybe add something along the lines of '...any scissors but such an item was much too practical for Agatha's tastes' or just something extra to flesh the story out a little.]

________________________
Overall, great start here Suzie. I think you can probably make some small improvements but the general structure is fine and I love your characters so much! Feel free to run lines by me or ask questions,

Heather xx

Notes: Thanks for the critiques! If you don't notice any major changes in the previous, it's because I'm keeping them to edit when I'm all done, heh. I can only do so much on one chapter before I have to go on! About this section: 1) What do you think of Frank, if anything?

Chapter Two

Bodies passed by, tangled together in sickening displays of affection. It was called dancing, but it made Kel sick. He sat on the couch to avoid anyone who might want to dance with him. Lucky enough, no one ever asked.

Agatha danced. She danced with every man she came across; got their names, professions, hobbies, and by the end of the night she would know which one she wanted to go home with. It was always the rich one.

The noises that rose out of the dancing crowd were more disturbing than the crowd its self. It sounded like there was an animal trapped in the middle and that they were trying to light it on fire. The sad thing was, they were trying to light an animal on fire, but the animal was a person. Not many people were drunk at the beginning of parties, but there were always those few who had started drinking before breakfast, instead of after, like normal people.

The animal in question, a girl who had lost her shoes, ran out of the crowd yelping. Soon after, a young man with a nice suit and tie, as if he was going to a business interview, ran after her with a lit candle. He shouted, “I’ll get you little piggy!” as he tried to catch up with her so the flame could lick the fringes of her dress.

Kel held his fingers over his mouth so his laughter wouldn’t be heard. For the most part, he knew he would sit all evening and watch everyone else enjoy themselves. There was never anything else for him to do. He watched Agatha every time she passed, but she never noticed.

The shoeless girl ran by Kel several times until the man finally gave up on her. He had found another girl, perhaps drunker than himself, and started trying to light her hair on fire. The strange part was that the girl didn’t make any commotion about it. The fire sizzled her hair but just she laughed and laughed and laughed. Everyone in the room could smell it. Someone finally threw water on her, but only because she had started screaming and it was ruining the party. They kicked the candle boy out, and sat the girl down on the couch next to Kel.

“Watch her,” a girl with fist-sized curls said before walking away.

So Kel watched her, or at least, looked at her for a few moments. Her eyes were wide and darted from side to side. Her hair was sticking to her face and water was dripping down her shoulders and into her lap. No one had thought to dry her off or even talk to her about what had happened. Maybe she had enjoyed it, but now she looked like a deer about to be shot. The crispy parts of her hair were black and smelled like tar or dirt, but much stronger. It made Kel’s nose twitch with disgust.

“Are you all right?” Kel whispered. She flinched and stared at him with her wide eyes. The whites all the way around were visible; it was inhuman. He took off his overcoat and wrapped it around her shoulders.

“Maude.”

“What?”

“My name is Maude,” the girl said. She grabbed the edges of the coat and pulled them around herself.

Kel wanted to back away and leave her there by herself. “Are you cold?” he said instead. She was shaking violently.

Maude shook her head. She kept her big, animal eyes on Kel. “I want something to drink.”

He laughed. “I think you’ve had enough.”

“I want something to drink. Get me something.”

“I won’t.”

She stuck her tongue out and tried to get up but Kel grabbed her arm. “You’re drunk enough,” he whispered. “Sit down.”

“You’re a horrible man, you know that.” Maude was giving him dirty looks and pulling the stitching out of his coat sleeve. She wanted revenge.

Kel wanted to take the coat back from her. It was an old coat, a dirty coat; he didn’t need the stitching pulled out of it, too. “I’m a horrible man because I’m trying to keep you from killing yourself?”

Without hesitation, Maude said, “Yes,” and then, “What is your name?”

He stuck out his hand. “Kel.” Instead of shaking his hand she stared at it like it was a gun.

“So you’re Kelly then, aren’t you?” She swayed from side to side and laughed. It looked like she was dancing. “I’ve heard about you.”

For a moment Kel wanted to hide. What ever she had heard would not be the truth, he knew, but she would never be unconvinced of that. “What did you hear?”

She laughed for a long while, her shoulders rocking from side to side until she finally fell onto Kel’s lap and continue to laugh while looking up at him. He wanted to push her off so her head would break open on the wood floor and she’d bleed all over the place and die.

Through all the giggles, she said, “You don’t wanna know.”

Kel lifted her head out of his lap and laid her on his shoulder. “God, you’re a disgusting person.”

Her eyes weren’t as wide anymore and she wasn’t looking all over. She was calm. Maybe she was resigned to the fact that she was too drunk to do anything else but sit and pretend to be calm. “I am not.” Maude sounded like a little kid. She writhed for a few minutes while making faces. “I am not a disgusting person, Kelly.”

“You need a mirror,” he mumbled.

“Have you got a tissue?” Maude made a noise that sounded like a cat throwing up a hair ball. “I feel sick.” She wiped her noise on his coat sleeve before he could say anything.

“Did you just…? God, no, never mind.”

“D’you want the coat back?”

The sleeve looked sticky. “No, you can keep it. I have others.” That was Kel’s only semi-nice coat. Agatha will complain about having to by another one, he knew.

Maude started pulling on the sleeve threads again. “Wanna hear a story?”

Kel stared at the crowd of moving bodies. Agatha was somewhere in there, digging her claws into a man’s arm. He was trying to ignore Maude.

She elbowed him. “I said, D’you wanna hear a story?”

“No, Maude, I don’t want to hear a story.”

Kel swore he heard her growl. “I’m going to tell you anyway. So there was this girl, yeah? ...”

He let the sounds of the party wash over him and smother Maude’s voice. No one was screaming anymore—instead, they were shouting. They were all animals now. Kel was glad he evaded the crowd. He always had the shifty feeling that these parties were cover ups for occult sacrifices to the gods of sex and alcohol, both of which made him uncomfortable.

Before Kel could come up with an excuse as to why he and Maude were sitting so close, Agatha was in front of him. She was arm in arm with a man who looked like he could kill a bear with just his hands.

“Kelly, I’ve been looking for you!” She had a smile that was too big for her face. The man with her had no smile at all. “I want you to meet someone.”

Agatha got Kel to stand then pushed the other man forward. “This is Frank Oswald Carnegie.”

He smiled only a little but stuck his hand out. “Nice to meet you.”

They shook hands.

“And this is Kelly Alastair Grenwald.”

“It’s Kel, actually. Not Kelly.” He made a face at Agatha.

Frank nodded at Maude, who sat on the couch muttering to herself. “She your girl?”

Kel had to look at her for a moment; he had forgotten entirely who she was. “Oh, her? God, no. Someone lit her hair on fire and they just laid her next to me…She’s incredibly drunk.”

Maude leaned forward and made the hacking sound again. “I am not drunk!”

Frank laughed a little. “Good of you to take care of her.”

Agatha had her arm wrapped around Frank’s back. She was holding onto him like he might be sucked into the center of the earth at any moment. Kel could detect the slightest discomfort on Frank’s face.

“Isn’t Frankie charming? He’s related to those rich American’s in the train business, aren’t you Frankie?”

“No, I’m not.” He smiled at Kel. “Your Dame doesn’t believe I’m just a poor man with a nice last name.”

“My Dame? She’s holding onto you real tight if she’s my dame.”

Agatha punched Kel in the arm. “Frankie’s just a big joker, aren’t you Frankie? He doesn’t want anyone to know he’s rich.”

“You can have her back if you want her.” Frank pushed Agatha in Kel’s direction.

Kel had to catch her so she didn’t fall over. She smacked his hand and whispered, “Knock it off!” before going back to Frank’s side.

“Frankie, you know I’m with you tonight.”

“Then when are you with Kel?”

Agatha stared at her shoes for a moment. Kel felt like needles were pricking the back of his neck.

“Kel’s just my chaperon, you know?” she finally said. “He’s no date or anything, Frankie.”

She was still staring at her shoes when Frank said, “He looks like he’s jealous of me.”

“Jealous of you?” Agatha cackled. “Kel, are you jealous of Frank here?”

Kel’s face was on fire. He wanted to sink into the couch with stupid Maude and listen to her stupid story. The word “no” wouldn’t come out of his mouth, so instead he stared into Frank’s eyes. Kel wondered what it would be like to stab him, or cut him up like a dumb piece of wood.

Frank looked at the floor. “Maybe we should live him alone, Agatha?”

Kel could read Agatha’s looks. Quit being stupid, she was saying. He tried to laugh to cover up for his silence, but his throat failed and it sounded like he was imitating a sea lion. “Go have fun. I need to keep Maude company anyway.” He sat down next to her. She leaned against his shoulder and started chewing on his coat sleeve. Kel wondered if she was a drug addict, too.

“Is she wearing your coat, Kel?” Agatha giggled.

“Don’t remind me.”

As she led Frank back to the dance floor, Agatha blew kisses. To Kel’s surprise, Frank had the look as though he was being pulled into the fires of hell by the devil herself.

The moment Agatha left, Maude started to tell her story again. “I told her I didn’t do it on purpose, but she didn’t believe me.”

“Do what?”

“I kept saying I was sorry but she wouldn’t believe me! I honestly wouldn’t do something like that on purpose.”

“What did you do?”

Maude laughed. “Were you not listening?”

Kel didn’t want to admit that he had been ignoring her.

“Well, you see, I was incredibly drunk, and I threw up on the girls shoes. But she wouldn’t listen to me, she couldn’t hear me, I tell you! It wasn’t on purpose.” She laughed wildly.

Maybe he should throw up on Frank’s shoes. That would teach Mister Big Money to ask about jealousy. Suddenly, Maude came real close and cupped her hand around his ears. Kel could feel her hot breath rub against the hairs inside his ear. Now he wanted to throw up.

“Only, you know what?” she whispered.

“What?”

“Only, I did do it on purpose. Because she took my sweet heart. She took my sweet heart from me and then she broke his heart.” Maude fell back onto the couch and started laughing and kicking her legs.

Yeah, Kel decided, he’ll throw up on Frank’s shoes. That’ll show him.

Awesome!!!

*goes to read*

Have you got a tissue?” Maude made a noise that sounded like a cat throwing up a hair ball. “I feel sick.” She wiped her noise on his coat sleeve before he could say anything.

*Looks at half eaten food* *pushes it away* Thanks, Suz. XD

Frank looked at the floor. “Maybe we should live him alone, Agatha?”

live = leave

Wow! That was an awesome chapter! As much as I loathe Maude right now (You've done a great job on creating an annoying character!) I really liked the ending and how all of the puke and shoes comes into play. XD

Great job! I'll be looking for more!

-Jared

Crit of Chapter One only:

As usual, my dear, a delicious read. I adore your dialogue. It flows, it moves, it's funny, it's informative, and what's more it left me intrigued. What kind of party are they going to? Why does Kel not want to go? Do they actually kill parties? I suppose I'll find out.

Really, there's not much stylistically I can comment on, since this is only the first chapter and it's fairly short. Consider maybe including a little more physical description, though I know that can easily get in the way of a good story. Maybe it would be adding too much fat to describe where each character is situated in the house or more of what Agatha is wearing. Maybe not.

I also noticed you have an omniscient style of writing with emphasis on Agatha's point of view. Meaning you would focus on Aggie for the most part and then zoom out to linger on what Kel was thinking and feeling. Generally, avoid this. In my opinion, a story is best when stream-of-consciousness is reserved to one character per scene. Then again, it's totally up to you. I mean, it didn't detract too much from the story; I just wanted to point it out.

Agatha kicked her legs, a bit of her wondering if she could hit the stain with one of her shoes. It flew into the air then hit the ground

You really didn't describe the action of flicking the shoe off of the foot. You described the impulse to, but that's all. Next thing we know, Aggie's shoe is off. Add some cushion to this image. Structure it so that we know she's kicked her shoes off.

The cigarette that dangled from her lip was dangerously close to being finished

Wow, that was quick. Are you sure cigarettes burn so quickly?

Anyway, I'll read chapter 2 soon. Thanks for the read!

-Kylan

Hello again, Suzie! Your second chapter is wonderful. The atmosphere you've built is perfect and the addition of Maude and Frankie is great. I feel so sorry for Frankie, poor ordinary person being dragged into their dreadful lives! I have to admit that all I can feel towards Maude is annoyance though so great work with her character.

I think the exchange involving Frankie is brilliant and there's really very little to fault. I think maybe you take the animal metaphor just a touch too far but I'm just being picky. It's perfect, Suzie.

Here's a few brief suggestions -

Bodies passed by, tangled together in sickening displays of affection. It was called dancing, but it made Kel sick. [Sick is just a touch repetetive. Maybe '...it made Kel feel nauseous.']

Lucky enough, no one ever asked. [A little awkward. Perhaps luckily or fortunately?]

The noises that rose out of the dancing crowd were more disturbing than the crowd its self. [Itself should be one word.]

The fire sizzled her hair but just she [Should be she just.] laughed and laughed and laughed.

What ever [Whatever.] she had heard would not be the truth, he knew, but she would never be unconvinced of that.

She laughed for a long while, her shoulders rocking from side to side until she finally fell onto Kel’s lap and continued to laugh while looking up at him.

Agatha [s]will[/s] would complain about having to buy another one, he knew.

Yeah, Kel decided, he’ll throw up on Frank’s shoes. [Either make it 'Yeah,' Kel decided, 'I'll throw up on Frank's shoes or 'Yeah,' Kel decided he'd throw up on Frank's shoes.]

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Keep up the good work Suzie, I love how you've developed the plot and Kel's character is forming nicely.

Aloha, Suz!

Chapter One

(1) Does this have enough hook?

It didn't, but then Agatha started talking about blood on the ceiling and how people were being killed without her permission in this interesting attitude, and I was hooked.

(2) What impressions do you get of the characters so far?

Agatha: I see her as the epitome of society and culture and fashion. Like she is always poised perfectly (even when slumped on the couch like a rag doll) and all her actions seem graceful, no matter how grotesque or overly dramatic.

Kel: Poor Kel seems like a pushover. Like he'd do anything for Agatha. He's more introverted, and more prone to things that require thinking through than action, even though both he and Agatha are capable of both planning and thought.

(3) Anything else

“I want to leave!” she growled. Agatha kicked her legs, a bit of her wondering if she could hit the stain with one of her shoes. It flew into the air then hit the ground. She took the other one off her foot and threw it at Kel, who was sitting at a table with a mirror propped up against the wall. The high heal struck him in the back and fell to the floor.

Kel pretended not to notice. “I’m not ready,” he whispered. He continued to stick his fingers in his hair, then press it flat against his head.

I looove descriptions like this. They're wonderfully telling about the characters, but they still advance the action and the plot, etc. And I love how quickly it set the mood and atmosphere for the rest of the story.

The disturbing red tint of the stain had convinced Agatha it was blood.

I think this is "disturbingly", but I'm not entirely positive.

The disturbing red tint of the stain had convinced Agatha it was blood. She wondered who had been killed in her attic without her approval.

Haha, Agatha's attitude here is perfect ^_^ But it's been a paragraph or two since the stain was talked about, so I was confused for a moment whether she meant the ceiling or Kel's stained jacket.

She was balancing a cigarette on her forehead. When it rolled off and onto the couch she decided to smoke it instead.

“I look hideous,” Kel muttered. Despite that, he stepped away from the mirror and stood over Agatha. The smoke from her cigarette rose right into his face and made him sick.

The smoke puffed out in strange bursts as she laughed. “You look beautiful.” Agatha struggled to speak; the words didn’t want to come out of her mouth. “Really, there is this glow about you that screams beautiful.” There was a big, blue feather sticking out of her hat. It waved at Kel as she continued to giggle. “Can we just leave? You’re such a spoil.”

The juxtapositions and physical placement of the characters are very nice here. Instead of sitting in the corner of the room, watching them, I feel like I'm walking around with the characters. It's actually kind of cool ^_^

“I don’t want to do it again, Agatha.”

She laughed. “You are so pathetic.”

“I’m having nightmares.”

I'm a little lost here. I mean, I know what they're saying, and I think I know how they're saying it, but Kel seems like a mystery to me here. Like I don't know if he's really, truly scared and making himself sick for it, or if he's annoyed with Agatha and says "I'm having nightmares" in more of an angry tone as opposed to a whisper.

While she slipped her shoes on, Agatha made Kel hold her cigarette.

Maybe reword this so that all the actions are happening at that moment, not an action layered over another action, if that makes any sense.

he snatched the cigarette back and smoked it down until the embers nearly burned her fingers, then pushed it into the cup with the other cigarette.

Two uses of the word "cigarette" here; maybe end the sentence with "... into the cup with the other one."

At the end, Agatha jumps abruptly from being almost a whiny (if deadly) teenager to being very authoritative. It's a tad odd, but if it continues, it will totally work in Agatha's favour.

Chapter Two

(1) What do you think of Frank?

It seemed odd that Frank walked over with Agatha without a smile on his face, while she was smiling so big, and then he started almost laughing with Kel. He seems like the kind of person who is able to mask his emotions very well, and detach himself from a situation if necessary.

(2) Other

Bodies passed by, tangled together in sickening displays of affection. It was called dancing, but it made Kel sick.

I love how you began with the word "bodies". It's a very distant word, the kind of thing someone might use if they wanted to dehumanize someone. Oh, and poor Kel; no one ever wants to dance with him.

She danced with every man she came across; got their names, professions, hobbies, and by the end of the night she would know which one she wanted to go home with.

The end of this sentence was a little awkward; a lot of summarizing explanation.

Not many people were drunk at the beginning of parties, but there were always those few who had started drinking before breakfast, instead of after, like normal people.

This one too. I think it would be more effective if you split it up into a few shorter sentences. And the sentence that follows this one, the one about "normal people" is a nice touch indeed.

Kel held his fingers over his mouth so his laughter wouldn’t be heard.

Having his fingers over his mouth rather than a fist or a palm, seems a bit too delicate, even for Kel.

Someone finally threw water on her, but only because she had started screaming and it was ruining the party.

Maybe you could integrate things like this into the general narrative more? Instead of this being one event that Kel sees all at once, maybe it could be something that he sees a part of before noticing something else, then comes back to it, etc. so that we see just how it's ruining the party; it'll give almost a more intense look into the scene instead of an overview.

What ever she had heard would not be the truth, he knew, but she would never be unconvinced of that.

The bold part above was a little awkward.

She laughed for a long while, her shoulders rocking from side to side until she finally fell onto Kel’s lap and continue to laugh while looking up at him. He wanted to push her off so her head would break open on the wood floor and she’d bleed all over the place and die.

This seems uncharacteristically violent of Kel. It seems more of the quiet horror, subtle violence that Agatha might think of.

Maude is a very effective character.


I like this story ^_^

This is on chapter one:

There was a stain that looked like blood.

This line is a little confusing. You should put "on it" or something at the end of the sentence, so we know where the stain that looks like blood is.

“I want to leave!” she growled. Agatha kicked her legs, a bit of her wondering if she could hit the stain with one of her shoes.

Be better as something like, "I want to leave!” she growled, and kicked her legs, a bit of her wondering if she could hit the stain with one of her shoes.

Agatha was irritated and made it apparent in her voice; it rang like a knife being scraped against plate.

Liked this.

I really like your character development, and I felt sympathy for Kel. On Chap. 2 I have nothing negative to say. I also liked that. Be watching for more.

*yawns* Yeah yeah, whatever. Crawl on my stinky feet all you like.

=P

Agatha kicked her legs,

As opposed to kicking with her fingers?

The high heal struck him in the back and fell to the floor.

Heel*

She dug in her purse for another cigarette and, ignored him.

Extraneous comma.

then sat back down. “

Random quote marks much?

The reasoning was that

This is kinda unnecessary -- I think the sentence will be fine without it.

Authors Note:Does this have enough hook? What impressions do you get of the characters so far? Anything else would be amazing!

Former: Well, I'm kinda curious to see where the story goes, so I'd say it does.
Latter: That Agatha's a female dog and Kel is kind of in a love-hate relationship with her.

*yawns* Yeah yeah, whatever. Crawl on my stinky feet all you like.

=P

Agatha kicked her legs,

As opposed to kicking with her fingers?

The high heal struck him in the back and fell to the floor.

Heel*

She dug in her purse for another cigarette and, ignored him.

Extraneous comma.

then sat back down. “

Random quote marks much?

The reasoning was that

This is kinda unnecessary -- I think the sentence will be fine without it.

Authors Note:Does this have enough hook? What impressions do you get of the characters so far? Anything else would be amazing!

Former: Well, I'm kinda curious to see where the story goes, so I'd say it does.
Latter: That Agatha's a female dog and Kel is kind of in a love-hate relationship with her.

more disturbing than the crowd its self.

Itself*

before breakfast, instead of after

I personally feel you don't ned the comma here, but that one's a judgment call.

her hair were black and smelled like tar or dirt

Pick one, gosh dang it!

“You’re a horrible man, you know that.”

Seems more to me like this should have a question mark.

She wiped her noise on his coat sleeve

Nose*

That was Kel’s only semi-nice coat. Agatha will complain about having to by another one, he knew.

Switching tenses now, eh?

“I said, D’you wanna hear a story?”

Lowercase D.

Maybe we should live him alone, Agatha?”

Leave*

I can't really judge Frank's character yet. I haven't seen enough of him. XP

Er... yeah. This took a lot longer than I meant it to. =X

But yeah! Good job. It's a delightful story thus far. ^^

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

Heya, dahling.

Here is my proper critique. You know the drill.













Ta,
Cal.