Young Writers Society

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I liked this as it touches on a couple of different themes.

I imagined this being set in Yugoslavia or a Soviet Republic back in the 1980s, or at least in a place where the military rules above all else and acts unchecked. Back when I was little, the USSR was just opening up and so a lot of Americans went to visit there. I remember a lot of them talking about being asked randomly for their papers; sometimes going through a lot of harassment.

Anyhow the difference between the beginning and end is striking; and I like how you opened and ended the same with the only difference being within the girl. My only gripe is that you should've spent more time developing the tussle with the military police and gone into more detail.

"“Oh please, Janice. Are these stories really necessary? How’s your son doing, by the way? Your oldest?” "

This quote seemed stilted to me. I'd suggest taking out the 'Oh please... necessary" part, and just change that to ' Ags laughed.' Then go into "How's your..."

Nice job!

I really like this. The setting is absolutely beautiful and you develop your characters so well in such a short piece of writing! The scene is so easy to visualise and I think my only piece of criticism is that, like Nate said, the exchange with the officers was a little short and I'd like more of Bao's character. Perhaps describe his clothing more? You've done so well with the others but I'd like to know if Bao is dressed in smart clothes or is he dressed casually. Does he appear to 'fit' his surroundings or is he out of place in this city?

I think there's a great feeling of mystery to your story. You present this place as so wonderful at the beginning but the reader feels that something isn't quite right. Something has to be out of place. And then by the end, everything is quite out of place. If you expand the exchange with the officers, maybe think about what Ag is doing at that time. Is she really ignorant of the event or is she looking the other way and hoping the trouble will blow over. Does she fear the soldiers? Even just a hint of that would be great to give the reader more information about the place.

And what power does Bao have over the officers that they leave so quickly? Maybe show more hesitation there. Have them weighing each other up. Maybe one officer is more reluctant to go than the other? Or are they uniform, acting in perfect harmony? Just a few things for you to consider and here's a couple of small comments on grammar and such -

Three ladies sat at an outdoor café table, sipping coffee under an umbrella that double shaded their faces with the wide-brimmed hats. [I think repetition of the word shaded may be effective here rather than double shaded. Like - '...sipping coffee under an umbrella that shaded the wide-brimmed hats that shaded their heads.']

They filled up space in this open place of walls and store-fronts that continued through the archways to the rest of the city.

They were the elderly gentlemen on the balcony to her left: [This line seems rather out of place...]

They gave sound to her world and allowed it to swirl around her, allowed a crowd to engulf her, allowed the band next to the fountain in the center of the plaza to assimilate her as she walked up to them and then it released her to sit on the fountain’s edge on their other side. [Maybe '...released her on their other side to sit on the fountain's edge.' would sound smoother?]

Through the archway in the distance behind her, it was a building large enough to take up almost an entire street beyond the plaza. [Maybe say 'the station was' rather than it to prevent confusion?]

She watched as people threw open doors and windows in [Perhaps across?] the balconies above her and as people in smart clothes walked to and from the wide steps of a gold-domed building, holding piles of papers or sealing up envelopes to be mailed.

“Pleasure to meet you too, hon. You’ll have a ball with Ags here; she was a riot back in our school-days.”

The one who had spoken held out his hand, still with those same soft eyes, and Connie, feeling like her lungs still tried to breathe the same air already trapped in her mouth and throat, opened the clasp of her purse and slid out the file of papers. [This is a little awkward. Maybe '...feeling like her lungs were still trying to breathe the same air...' would work?]

He looked like he wanted to wrinkle his nose, but his hat, too tight, stretched the skin across his face too tightly. [I don't like the repetition of tight and tightly. Maybe try to avoid that?]

Bao walked up to him, and spoke in a low voice, [s]inched[/s] inches from his face.

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Overall, I think it's very well written. Is this a full piece or the prologue to a novel? I think it would work well as both and I love the cyclical nature you have, how you return to the notion of how Connie is effected by people. Good characterization, well thought out dialogue, lovely settings and generally difficult to fault.

Let me know if you add to it and I'd love to take another look,

Heather xx

Thank you both so much! Your comments are invaluable and I have to try really hard not to back and edit this very second, if only so that I can finish up the next chapter first XD It's more or less a summation of my NaNo novel, and now I'm trying to polish up things and fill in where I was too lazy to write before, lol.

Hey, look, it's me again. You know the drill, if you have any questions or need me explain some illegible comment, please tell me.

Ta,
Cal.

Hey, Leja!

I'm much better with the ripping apart than with groveling at your feet, but let me just say that I love this story, and the world it's set in. It's just slightly off kilter--close enough to be scary, far enough away to sound like a fairytale. Definitely very cool. I also like the kind of "old-fashioned" feel it has to it, due to the old people and the election.

A few things to chat about, though:

GIDDYAP! RAWHIDE!

(What is it that cowboys say, anyway? )

It seemed that people were constantly popping in and out of your story--one minute, Connie's here, then she's there, then she's being mugged by officers! And granted, this is one way to keep your reader on their toes, but it's not the most effective way. One way to stem this "abra cadabra" effect is to make sure you have a lot of big, beefy transitions to whack your readers on the head and go, "Yeeeeehaw! We're movin' out!"

She took a step into the shop, ducking through the balloon strings but felt someone tugging on her suitcase and pulling her back.

“Excuse me, miss, but we need to inspect your suitcase.” Two military officers stood behind her, their uniform pants tucked neatly into their shiny uniform boots, and their hats sitting low over their dark eyes.

This was a place where you especially needed a transition. When you dissect the piece, you have one. But in context, I didn't notice it because you didn't draw a whole lot of attention to it--it was at the end of a paragraph. In a perfect world, people would read every line with equal importance, but such is usually not the case. We read the first line of every paragraph with emphasis because it helps to refocus our attention. Sad but true: because of human psychology, putting your transitions in their own paragraph will help in that reader-roundup I mentioned earlier.

Because these officers are new and different, you're probably going to want to have some "face time" before they talk. Move their description before the dialogue: it'll build up an itty bit of suspense, as well as make your transition have more of an impact. Two for the price of one, you might say.

This kind of transition is needed when most of the characters are introduced: Mrs. Mills, Bao, and so forth.

STOCKHOLM SYNDROME

I'm guessing, from the way Connie and Bao are, that she's going to deny she's fallen for him because she's a strong woman and he saved her and she didn't need it and by the end of the story they'll be snogging. Whether I'm correct or not, Connie's response to Bao's gesture was a little commonplace in the world of books. In the real world, though, you'd probably be kissing their butt for saving yours.

It kind of reminds me of the feminists who take offense at guys who hold doors open for them because "they can do it themselves". Of course they can. But you've got eight packages from the grocery store and you're talking on your cellphone with one hand and wrangling small children--you're telling me you don't want help? Such is Connie's predicament. You're going to make her out to be much more of a misanthrope, or explain in much more detail just what bugs her about Bao. You might have an explanation, but I didn't catch it as a reader--like that hidden transition you had in the paragraph earlier.

When it comes to plotlines that are vaguely similar to the ones people have seen before, you really need to focus on making it original and making sure that you have all the explanation you need for believable characters.

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Thanks for the read, Leja! Feel free to PM if you've got any questions or when you've put the next part up. ^_^

Hmm i liked this

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I love your story, I can even imagine a movie made out of it. It is a pleasure to read!

Wow, an amazing peice. I really liked it. Couldn't figure out why they were trying to take her though. If there is more please keep going. I know this crit is not the best. (((I call it a readers opinion.)) Anyway, it was GREAT, good discription. Everyone else caught the rest I think.

Good job.

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Crit for Chapter two:

It was only [You've used only quite a bit so I'd suggest changing it to 'just' or even removing it as you've made it clear the distance isn't far.] down a short set of stairs that the hotel stood, a grand marble building with golden doors.

They stepped out into a large lobby, bright with sunshine from the grand windows, to stand behind a desk.

Connie wandered over to a great sculpture that stood in the middle of the lobby, centered with both the room itself and the staircase that stood grandly [You've used great and grand a lot so maybe think of an alternative?] opposite it.

She watched, entranced, as a series of clay balls flew and spun and looped around a great, spun metal track, seemingly spurred [s]my[/s] by nothing but momentum, even as they changed direction mid-air.

Every part has to be timed perfectly or else it won’t work.”

“Well, let’s not refresh that memory for either of us.” Mrs. Mills stood behind them, smiling.

Connie looked up at what would be her home for the next few months. Mrs. Mills lived in a quiet townhouse in the midst of a long row of similar houses. [I'd suggest combinign the two sentences. Something like '...for the next few months; a quiet townhouse in the...' might work?]The steps leading up to the front door were clean and free of leaves and other such natural knick-knacks, with squarely trimmed hedges and a grand picture window beside the front door.

Connie’s room was nice enough. [You've used nice in the previous sentence so maybe pleasant?]

Mrs. Mills sighed.

As she it [Should be placed or put?] her stockings into the drawers and the suitcase under her bed, Connie imagined Charlie would be sitting there, nodding, his arm casually slung over the back of the chair, as if he had always belonged in that kitchen. And perhaps, he [s]already[/s] had.

“She keeps up with all the newspapers anyway,” Charlie continued[s], even as Connie had been evaluating him[/s].

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Your continuation of the rather distant tone is good as it reflects Connie's character and you have some lovely descriptions and characterization. However, I think that your sentences could be trimmed in places. Some parts are a little lengthy or a touch repetetive and you're on the verge of telling rather than showing at times.

I'd like to see more vivid description of clothing and items. These buildings, you describe the architecture as white but are there smoothly carved arch-ways or something a little less dramatic and what are the roofs tiles with? Is there a garden with neat, pretty little flower beds or is there tarmac or marble or plaine stone? And how does Connie feel about this? Is she unsure about staying here, disapointed as her conversation with mrs Mills seems to suggest. Is she irritated? Or is she maybe excited?

Also, build the atmosphere a little more. Is it quiet, rather peaceful in that first scene or is there the hum of voices and footsteps? Where does Mrs Mills go while Connie talks with Bau at the beginning? To the reception? And what sort of place is it. Is it a vast, open room where all the walls are lines with doors or arch-ways into other rooms or back outside or is it small and comfortable. Are there chairs and if so, what kind? Stone benches or plastic seats? What is the floor like? The paper ceiling sounds interesting so maybe describe that more. Try holding a piece of paper up towards a light at night and see how it looks, see how this ceiling might appear.

In the scene at the beginning, I think you describe Bau's exit too much but I liked the glimpse of his personality that the conversation revealed. And Charlie's a great character and very well defined to say that he's only just been introduced. I'd quite like Mrs Mills to say more about him before the reader meets him though. It's often good to show a character through another's eyes.

In general though, this was good. I'll take a look at chapter three a little later but I have high expectation

Comments for Chapter 3 -

I love the plot of this chapter and I'm really starting to like Mrs Mills. Her character is developing perfeclty. Bao's actions surprised me a little but then, the reader still isn't strongly aquainted with his character and every time you start to give us hints he seems to exit the scene. That's not necessarily bad -- it certainly builds the mystery -- but start to extend the scenes he's in just a touch or at least show Connie's reaction to this. I'm sure she's very annoyed and worried about being left in charge so maybe emphasise that a touch.

A few small suggestions -

It was slightly cooler outside than it had been [s]in[/s] on the previous days, and the warm breeze chilled Connie’s face refreshingly as she walked down the street, trying to remember the few turns she had made with Mrs. Mills the previous day.

Bao played with a napkin at the place setting. “I believe we had left off with tablecloths yesterday.”

And with that, Bao began walking in the opposite direction, and out the doors of the hotel.

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Very good. Hope this helps xx

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