Long Line, Sweetheart

Removed.

Is this going to be continued?

I'm confused as to what this story is actually about. Is it about the couple or the man and his pregnant wife? What was the actual point/moral/conflict? I really wasn't sure.

Other than that, I loved your writing. The descriptions were just enough that I could picture the place and the people, but not so much that I was gagging and drowning in adjectives. Really nice job there.

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

This is amazing. One of the best short stories I've read in a long time. I think the subtlety is what I like best about it, or it could be Tom's voice, or the humor.

I also like how you set up people in different stages in life all converging on one place; there were the two youngins in line, Tom and his Wife, and then Gerald.

I'll be getting around to give you a proper critique on this, you know one of those that things that actually contains some good stuff like constructive criticism, and not just word flails, I just wanted to get my initial response out there and mark it so I didn't forget to come back.

Ta,
Cal.

I really liked this. And now I know what Neapolitan ice-cream is. . He should have gone. Mean.

But apart from my argument there, I really liked it.

I really, really liked this. Especially about the beginning. The atmosphere you created was very peacful, but there felt like there was a little tension in there as well.

Your description were really good, and I could play the whole thing in my head like a movie.

The only thing I can comment on is the conversation in the store. I know that you really did need it, but I think you should re-write it. It lost all the feeling and atmosphere in that conversation, and I didn't like it.

But the dialouge was natural, and your descriptions continued to be perfect, so I really can't comment on much.

True, genuine characters. Believable storyline. A bit confused as to the meaning/moral of the story, but it is amazing. Loved it beginning to end.

Gryphon's right, but you do have great detail though.

If it's going to be continued, put a note a the bottom. And the ending wasn't that...I don't know...intriguing as the rest.

Hope this helps...

ST

Hey, thanks everyone for the crits. For those who may be struggling with the message/moral: a lot of literature in today's world tends to present a choice to the characters and how that character chooses reveals what kind of person he/she is. I've attempted to do the same thing here.

And looking forward to that thorough critique, Cal. ^_^

Yo Trident! *waves*

Haha, for some reason I always confuse the 10 with the I-17, which goes nowhere near Pasadena. Glad someone can get it straight. xD

Rofl... I love how the truth of what the couple is getting into is somehting you can miss easily if you're not paying attention. Very well done. Very subtle, and I think that's the best thing about this piece.

The subtlety is just... wow. At the surface this is just a little ditty about nothing important, but if you really watch, man, there's so much more to it. I love this. xD

Excellent job. I have no major complaints to register. I love this. ^_^

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

This is the kind of slightly weird (in a good way) thing I like to read so I really enjoyed this. Just a couple of suggestions though.

Trident wrote:I walk past the cashier, an obese woman: red frizzy hair, purple sweater, and a smile that says, “You are welcome here, but not too welcome.”

For some reason the colon there just doesn't seem right and I'm not sure you need the "red frizzy hair, purple sweater" bit, it feels a bit like what I used to do when I was about ten, you know the "Her name is Jill, she is nine years old, she has brown hair and green eyes and is wearing a blue top" sort of thing. I know it's only a really short description but it doesn't seem that necessary; the bit about her smile is good though

The other bit was this thing that Gerald said:

We shake hands, mine cold from the ice cream. He holds a bag of potato chips. “For my daughter,” he says. “She visits every other weekend. She’s my last. So is the one in your wife’s belly your first?”

I just can't imagine a grown man saying "the one in your wife's belly". Maybe just "Is this one your first?" or something similar might sound better. Apart from those two small things it was good and I didn't feel it particularly had to have some kind of moral or anything. I liked that it didn't have a definite ending.

SilentButSure

I really liked this. I thought it was a really strong piece of writing, and I liked that it didn't have a definitive ending, if that was the ending.

I agree with silentbutsure, the bit where he says

So is the one in your wife’s belly your first?”

That's the only bit I can criticise, it does sound weird, and yeah, mentioning the woman's purple top and hair not necessary. Apart from that, it's good.

Hey, Tri.

I can hear the tinny sigh of the ride cymbal

Is that meant to be 'tiny'?

"Not for me," I admit. "My wife. She's pregnant [s]and has these weird cravings[/s]."

I feel the stricken part in this sentence is unnecessary. Obviously :p

Aside from the initial dialogue between Tom and Gerald, which I feel is forced and off-kilter, this is a strong piece. Understated, and very well written.

Kudos

Hello Calvin!

“I’m hungry,” she says [comma] after the most recent song ends.

I may be wrong.

I think you should say that it is night time more near to the beginning--the "late night snack" let onto it, but it would also help add to the mood if you described that detail.

The agent sees Gerald whispering. “Sir, are you interfering? Son, tell this man to keep to his own business.”

“Keep your nose to yourself,” the boy says. “We don’t want your rotten opinion. Damn prudes taking over the country.”

It would help me if you specified that "the boy" was the husband in the young couple. I thought he was someone else at first.

Going into this, I wasn't sure what to think. You had two disadvantages on me: first person and present tense, both which can be annoying at times. I have to admit, your narrators voice was a bit too formal/plain/boring for me, but it worked out. Don't take it as a bad think--if the story had a different narrator it wouldn't be the same story. What really impressed me was your dialogue. That was the best part. The dialogue brought the characters to life, and none sounded like the other. I especially enjoyed the Talent Agent's use of the word "racket". It's so twenties! You certainly did a good job with the dialogue, and that is what got this for me.

Another reason why I enjoyed this is it was so simplistic. You weren't trying to say anything big, or do anything big. You were just writing a story, and it's a snippet of a long life, and yet I can imagine so much about the character's and their lives. I want to know what happened to them and what will happen, but at the same time I'm satisfied where I am at. I usually prefer deeper stories, which is kind of silly. I love symbolism and theme and all that good stuff, but even simple things are great to read. Something enjoyable is always good to read--especially when so well written.

Thanks for giving me the pleasure of reading this! If there is anything I was unclear on or you would like to chat about the story, come find me.

Here is that proper critique I was talking about. If you have any questions or my handwriting is illegible please tell me.











Ta,
Cal.

If you value the life of a fellow writer please continue this. I really want to know if Tom is going to help those people escape the clutches of the cheap suited guy and his money. By the way, I loved your title. When I was reading this I really couldn't get why this story was named Long line, sweetheart. Until I reached the line. True brilliance!!