Young Writers Society

Hi guys! well this is my first time posting a story on this account, had to make a new one since I can't get into my old account (phoenix) :[ I don't know if any of you read my story 'Shadow of paradise' but this is basically a development upon that since I changed the story line quite a bit. I'm not sure if I'll go onto develop this into a full novel since I'm still figuring some stuff out with it but I felt like writing so I thought I'd have a stab at writing the prologue.

Comments and crit appreciated! x

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Pain surged through my body like an angry bolt of lightning. It twisted through my veins and choked my senses as I struggled desperately to breathe.

‘Please! Just leave me alone!’ I tried to scream, but my words came out in a scrambled mess of whispers. I thrashed my body from side to side, scratching bloody rivers all along my arms and legs as they cut against the gravely ground.

My eyes were blurred with streaming tears and sealed with fright. At least in the darkness, I didn’t have to see them. But their cruel laughter splintered through my heart like a jagged knife and made the pain even more unbearable. Amidst the howling cackles and my thundering heartbeat they uttered words of malevolence. Words that made me want to curl into a ball and get smaller and smaller until I just crumbled away into nothing.

‘You’re a freak, nature girl!’ they spat, ‘You don’t belong here, and you never will.’

‘Don’t kid yourself that you could ever be a magician, you’re just a freak!’

The fact that I knew they spoke the truth was what made it even harder to bear.

I don’t know how long I lay there in the freezing darkness, submitting myself to their torture. Seconds? Minutes? Hours? I don’t really know, because soon enough I became numb to the agonizing pain, their words and laughter merging together to form a hazy blur of spite.

I may have fainted, because when I finally dared to open my eyes, I found myself submerged in darkness. Night had draped it’s shadowy, star-encrusted veil over the heavens. I tried to move my hand, but a sharp, throbbing twinge echoed through it. My eyes watered as I bit my lip from the pain.

I stared helplessly into the blackness, and a flicker of silver at the corner of my eye caught my attention. I turned and saw it was a steel cup. I was just about to turn away when I noticed it move slightly.

Confused, I wondered if it had just been blown by the wind… but the night was still. Suddenly I came to a realization.

‘Oscar?’ I whispered. I noticed a change in my voice. I sounded weaker, though it wasn’t just from the physical pain. I felt as though my already broken soul had been shattered.

I pulled myself up and struggled along the ground towards the cup, trying to ignore the agonizing aches. Collapsing, I reached out my hand and pulled it up.

‘Oscar…’ I sighed with relief, chucking the cup to the side, ‘I’m so glad you’re alright.’ The pretty snow-white bird, who had been trapped inside the metal container, swooped up into the darkness above. Moments later, he plunged back down to perch on my arm which was splayed across the stony earth.

‘Those damn magicians!’ he exclaimed angrily, ruffling his feathers in annoyance, ‘look what they’ve done to you! Why if I was their size I’d-‘

‘It’s okay…’ I cut in, tears rolling down my cheeks as I smiled faintly. I paused, trying to think of something to say which would make everything better, but I couldn’t think of anything.

‘I’ll be fine,’ I lied.

*****

I was destined from the moment I was born to be an outcast. At least, from my kind. Because in my world, it means everything to be a magician - something I can never be.

Uh, cool prologue! I'm not sure what the thing with the magicians is about, but then again, prologues are for leaving questions so that you read more to get answers! So I'll be doing just that!

I really liked the way you described everything in this. You have introduced Dawn well and have begun to build her character right.

I could only find a few grammer mistakes.

Pain surged through my body like an angry bolt of lighting

lighting= lightning

scratching bloody rivers all along my arms and legs as they cut against the graverly ground.

I really liked how this bit is written but graverly=gravely (I think)

Atleast in the darkness,

Atleast= At least

star encrusted veil over heavens.

over the heavens

‘I’ll be fine…’ I lied.

you don't need the dots here.

I like the last part it's fine.

Hope to read more soon.

~Fairy

This is pretty good! the emotion was very well done and for the most part, there aren't that many errors.

One main thing: All dialogue needs to be punctuated. For example, rather than--
‘Don’t kid yourself that you could ever be a magician, you’re just a freak’
--it should be--
‘Don’t kid yourself that you could ever be a magician, you’re just a freak!’
Or that could be a period.

Another thing: you need to space out your work! For example, rather than:

Pain surged through my body like an angry bolt of lighting. It twisted through my veins and choked my senses as I struggled desperately to breathe.
‘Please! Just leave me alone!’ I tried to scream, but my words came out in a scrambled mess of whispers. I thrashed my body from side to side, scratching bloody rivers all along my arms and legs as they cut against the graverly ground.

It should be:

Pain surged through my body like an angry bolt of lighting. It twisted through my veins and choked my senses as I struggled desperately to breathe.

‘Please! Just leave me alone!’ I tried to scream, but my words came out in a scrambled mess of whispers. I thrashed my body from side to side, scratching bloody rivers all along my arms and legs as they cut against the graverly ground.

Now onto the nitpicks:

I thrashed my body from side to side, scratching bloody rivers all along my arms and legs as they cut against the graverly ground.

"graverly"? I think you mean "gravely" ^_~

Atleast in the darkness, I didn’t have to see them.

At least os two words, hon. ^_^

‘You’re a freak, nature girl’
They spat,
‘You don’t belong here, and you never will’

I'm not sure what you're going for here, but I think it should be: 'You’re a freak, nature girl,’ they spat, ‘You don’t belong here, and you never will.’
‘Don’t kid yourself that you could ever be a magician, you’re just a freak’

The fact that I knew they spoke the truth, was what made it even harder to bear.

Nitpick: there shouldn't be a comma after "truth"

I don’t really know, because soon enough I became numb to the agonising pain, their words and laughter merging together to form a hazy blur of spite.

"agonising" should be "agonizing"

Night had draped it’s shadowy, star encrusted veil over heavens.

"star encrusted" should be "star-encrusted", methinks.

Suddenly I came to a realisation.

"realisation" should be "realization" ~_^

I pulled myself up and struggled along the ground towards the cup, trying to ignore the agonising aches.

Again, "agonising"should be "agonizing"

The pretty snow white bird swooped up into the darkness above, then plunged back down to perch on my arm which was splayed across the stony earth.

"Pretty" is a very weak word. Go for something more powerful... Also, I think "snow white" should be hyphenated, thus making it "snow-white"

Atleast, from my kind.

Again, "at least" is two words.

------------------

I agree that the last part isn't necessary. I think it would be better if you deleted it.

Nice piece overall, let me know when you post Chapter one!

Good luck!
~Azila~

cheers for the comments and crit you three ^^ I'll go edit it in a sec.

As for the last part.. still not sure I guess I'll leave it there for now and maybe delete it later.

Autumn wrote:Hi guys! well this is my first time posting a story on this account, had to make a new one since I can't get into my old account (phoenix) :[ I don't know if any of you read my story 'Shadow of paradise' but this is basically a development upon that since I changed the story line quite a bit. I'm not sure if I'll go onto develop this into a full novel since I'm still figuring some stuff out with it but I felt like writing so I thought I'd have a stab at writing the prologue.

Comments and crit appreciated! x

---------------------------------------------------

Pain surged through my body like an angry bolt of lightning. It twisted through my veins and choked my senses as I struggled desperately to breathe.

‘Please! Just leave me alone!’ I tried to scream, but my words came out in a scrambled mess of whispers. I thrashed my body from side to side, scratching bloody rivers all along my arms and legs as they cut against the gravely ground.

My eyes were blurred with streaming tears and sealed with fright. At least in the darkness, I didn’t have to see them. But their cruel laughter splintered through my heart like a jagged knife and made the pain even more unbearable. Amidst the howling cackles and my thundering heartbeat they uttered words of malevolence. Words that made me want to curl into a ball and get smaller and smaller until I just crumbled away into nothing.

‘You’re a freak, nature girl!’ They spat, ‘You don’t belong here, and you never will.’

‘Don’t kid yourself that you could ever be a magician, you’re just a freak!’

The fact that I knew they spoke the truth was what made it even harder to bear.

I don’t know how long I lay there in the freezing darkness, submitting myself to their torture. Seconds? Minutes? Hours? I don’t really know, because soon enough I became numb to the agonizing pain, their words and laughter merging together to form a hazy blur of spite.

I may have fainted, because when I finally dared to open my eyes, I found myself submerged in darkness. Night had draped it’s shadowy, star-encrusted veil over the heavens. I tried to move my hand, but a sharp, throbbing twinge echoed through it. My eyes watered as I bit my lip from the pain.

I stared helplessly into the blackness, and a flicker of silver at the corner of my eye caught my attention. I turned and saw it was a steel cup. I was just about to turn away when I noticed it move slightly.

Confused, I wondered if it had just been blown by the wind… but the night was still. Suddenly I came to a realization.

‘Oscar?’ I whispered. I noticed a change in my voice. I sounded weaker, though it wasn’t just from the physical pain. I felt as though my already broken soul had been shattered.

I pulled myself up and struggled along the ground towards the cup, trying to ignore the agonizing aches. Collapsing, I reached out my hand and pulled it up.

‘Oscar…’ I sighed with relief, chucking the cup to the side, ‘I’m so glad you’re alright’. The pretty snow-white bird swooped up into the darkness above, then plunged back down to perch on my arm which was splayed across the stony earth.

‘Those damn magicians!’ he exclaimed angrily, ruffling his feathers in annoyance, ‘look what they’ve done to you! Why if I was their size I’d-‘

‘It’s okay…’ I cut in, tears rolling down my cheeks as I smiled faintly. I paused, trying to think of something to say which would make everything better, but I couldn’t think of anything.

‘I’ll be fine,’ I lied.

*****

I was destined from the moment I was born to be an outcast. At least, from my kind. Because in a world where it means everything to be a magician, if you’re not, then you are hated. My name is Dawn, and this is my story.

[I'm not sure about this last part]

My name is Dawn, and this is my story.

It's a pretty cliched way to start the story, and it doesn't carry any information.

‘I’ll be fine,’ I lied.

I like to only use 'said' and I believe that your dialog should make it obvious to the reader how the character is saying it. Just throwing that out there.

Otherwise, it's pretty good so far, can't wait to read more!

Ooh! You have lovely lovely description. It's refreshing.


I don't understand what was going on with the bird and the cup. Can you explain that a little better? Was he inside the cup or what?

I agree with Azila, your dialogue is essentially good, but it needs to be stronger. 'don't kid yourself, you're just a freak' sounds sort of third-grade-ish. If they HATE, her, than make it sound like they hate her.

I do like the last part, but I don't know if you need the "My name is Dawn and this is my story." It almost ruins it.

thanks for the comments! =D ^.^

I agree with you both about the last sentence, i'll edit it out

also lyrical_sunshine I read over the bird & cup bit again and I see what you mean, I've tried to make it more clear -

I pulled myself up and struggled along the ground towards the cup, trying to ignore the agonizing aches. Collapsing, I reached out my hand and pulled it up.

‘Oscar…’ I sighed with relief, chucking the cup to the side, ‘I’m so glad you’re alright’. The pretty snow-white bird, who had been trapped inside the metal container, swooped up into the darkness above. Moments later, he plunged back down to perch on my arm which was splayed across the stony earth.

I wasn't sure about the dialogue either, I'll probably edit that later.

Preety interesting.

Ooh! This is much better than the previous version! I like your new idea: most stories are about people who ARE magicians, living with other magicians, but this is just the opposite. AWESOME!

Of course, stories with magicians in them need a clear explanation of how the magic works. Almost every story I have read uses a different explanation of how magic works. If the magic isn't so great, a magician story falls apart. Just something to think about.

Keep up the great work!

I LOVE IT WRITE MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was very good, i found few grammar mistakes, one thing i thought you could improve on was the bird and the cup. i thought that the cup was oscar and got confused when she just chucked it away. maybe you could say it was a bird in the cup before it flew onto her arm?

Anyway, good start. please write more!

Heya! I think I've read this but I haven't commented yet...

Pain surged through my body like an angry bolt of lightning. It twisted through my veins and choked my senses as I struggled desperately to breathe.

I like this, but it is quite cliche. The way you wrote it however I thought was quite good, and shed a different light onto pain if you will

There was npothing else that really caught my attention to be honest. The ending you said you were unsure about though:

I was destined from the moment I was born to be an outcast. At least, from my kind. Because in a world where it means everything to be a magician, if you’re not, then you are hated.

-'I was destined from the moment I was born to be an outcast. At least, from my kind.' <-Here I would put this into one sentence like so: 'I was destined from the moment I was born to be an outcast, or at least, from my kind'. Just a minor change.

-'Because in a world where it means everything to be a magician, if you’re not, then you are hated.' This doesn't make sense, try 'Because in a world where it means everything to be a magician, and you’re not, then you are hated.'

A bit picky the l;ast bits, but I thought it was really good, and perhaps a bit cliche, this was a very good intro, I would like to read more!

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Night had draped it’s shadowy, star-encrusted veil over the heavens.

That should be its, not it's. That's the only thing I noticed the others didn't pick up.

Overall, I really enjoyed it. It's very descriptive, we make no mistake about how she's treated. I want to know who Oscar is . Well, I liked it and I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

(btw, Autumn is such a lovely name, September and February are my favourite times of year )

Okay, so first of all, I LOVE the way you write. Your metaphors and similes are amazing. My favorites:

Pain surged through my body like an angry bolt of lightning.

...scratching bloody rivers all along my arms...

But their cruel laughter splintered through my heart like a jagged knife...

Great job, I wish I could be that creative.

I also noticed a a few grammar mistakes:

‘You’re a freak, nature girl!’ They spat, ‘You don’t belong here, and you never will.’

I believe it should be: 'You're a freak, nature girl!' they spat. 'You don't belong here, and you never will.'

There were a few of these throughout it. If someone is speaking and you insert a dialogue tag in between their sentences, there should be a period after the tag, not a comma. The comma is only if they are continuing a sentence, not starting a new one.

This is very, very good overall. I think that last part is fine, but the last sentence is a bit awkward. Maybe word it differently.