DoaV (2nd Version): Prologue Part 1

*bows* Thanks for reading. It's been fun.

^_^ Keek out!

Perfect! I'm a new reader, and I just copied it into a word document. I'll edit as I read, and then answer the questions at the bottom.

who's

should be whose

Staring at the words she’d just written, Yazra emitted a cry in frustration, realizing the immoral direction her thoughts had taken. “Why is it so hard to be good?” she wailed. “I haven’t even written a page and it’s already corrupted!”

Double space after taken, I should think.

The irony made her vivid green eyes sparkle, but she sobered quickly.

Great line! Very descriptive.

doing a quick search before she standing up

I think you need to get rid of she unless it's supposed to be another word in here.

I’m pretty sure fat, greasy old men don’t die just because you stab them in the leg, right?

I don't get this part. Did she stab him in the leg?

I blame my parents.

Don't know why, but this line made me laugh. I guess every kid blames their parents for something or another at some point in their life.

She got her powers

Did you have writers block when you wrote this or something? I'm not saying it's bad, it's just... simple. And this girl doesn't seem to write in a simple manner.

I went off pies at an early age.

Again, really funny!

“The forest takes care of it’s own

its

“Yazra, you’re six now and old enough that I think you’ll understand what I’m about to tell you,” she’d said, sitting me on her lap. “In this world, there are birds, and there are bees. The bees are every day people like the ones who come and see me here. They live normal lives, all bunched together like bees in a hive. Wasting their lives, trapped in a never-ending cycle. They work and work, slaving away mindlessly, eager to please a queen who cares nothing for them, and then they die.” It occurred to me that my mother wasn’t talking about the King, but rather a greater being that she blamed for man’s pitiful existence. “But there are always more of them, because even though she knows their lives are pointless, she keeps giving birth to more, maybe out of a cruel belief that somehow they are happy. But they aren’t, my love. They just think they are.”

Is this just an easy way for Yazra to write it in her diary, or did her mother say these exact things? Because from the impression I have of her mother so far, she doesn't speak in this way.

because I had remembered a woman once coming to my mother with her son; if their lives were so meaningless, why had the woman guarded her son so protectively?

I got confused yet again here. Why was this mother visiting the wich with her son if she wanted to protect him?

holding in it’s breath.

its

So far, I'm interested in it and I want to know what happens. You have a good writing style, and the plot and characters are very compelling.




Feedback questions

1) Did you find Yazra's mother's metaphor on the birds and the bees to be a bit long? Yes. This bit went on for a while, and ended up getting a bit boring. I think you could easily say it in far fewer words.
2) What scene, if any, did you find could benefit from more description? I think you've got a goos amount of description here, and don't need to change anything to do with it drastically.
3) What do you think of Yazra so far? I like her. I've always been facianated with the villans, and always swore that I would write a story where the 'bad guys' win. So, I can't wait to read more. Just... please don't turn her good. That would ruin the whole story for me.


So, should I go and read chapter one, or are you going to post a revised edition?

Can I be on both lists? I'm liking the stry so far, and want to know whenever anything new is posted.

EEP! this is excellent! Just a few minor mistakes I saw, nothing big at all.

Apparently, the man who said ‘you are what you choose to be’ was a liar. A really horrible liar who took joy in making innocent little children believe that they could choose their own destiny and be whoever they wanted to be. If he’s still alive, someone should help him realize the error of his ways. It will start like this: “Sir, since you can choose your destiny, why don’t you decide you’re going to live while me and my knife decide you’re going to die, and see who’s will is stronger.”

This feels kind of...i don't know..heavy. like, too many words to a sentence or something. Can you break it up, make it a little simpler?

Yazra tucked her new journal into a pocket hidden in the many folds of her multiple shirts and stood, pushing back the thick, wild, brown curls that framed her thin face.

the "thick, wild, brown curls" is like a mini-infodump, in my opinion. Too much information and too many adjectives. try just "wild brown curls" or "wild curls".

He’d never notice them missing, he was dead after all.

I think the punctuation is off. Try "He'd never notice them missing - after all, he was dead." It gives more emphasis to that last surprising line, like, "Oh! He's DEAD?!"



Feedback questions
1) Did you find Yazra's mother's metaphor on the birds and the bees to be a bit long? Maybe a little bit. I actually found her dad's "wolves and rabbits" metaphor more effective than the birds.
2) What scene, if any, did you find could benefit from more description? Oooh...maybe the dead doctor. I really want to know exactly what happened with him. But at the same time I think you should wait and lead into that a little more later.
3) What do you think of Yazra so far? I don't think she's the horrible person she thinks she is. She reminds me of Elphaba from Wicked - everyone tells her she's bad so she believes it.

Okay, I'm new fan, I speak saying fan as this is very remarkably written .

I like how ya start, it's an effective hook, catching attention, and showing this ain't a typical fantasy with good guys vs bad guys. You need to learn to show and not tell. I understand it's her diary, but you want to keep readers interested.

Feedback questions
1) Did you find Yazra's mother's metaphor on the birds and the bees to be a bit long?
Far too long I got bored of it as it seemed too long winded I agree with person above the father metaphor being stronger.
2) What scene, if any, did you find could benefit from more description?
Definately the Doctors as you could truely capture horror of what she did Even though to her it's not. To others it may be. Though not so much to get people to hate her.
3) What do you think of Yazra so far?
She was very well fleshed out, and I feel some pity for her. i feel some of her entries do get a bit long winded.

Overall it's pretty good not too cliche and the idea is pretty damn original. Sorry can't say more but it's very well written.

Good luck
VSN

Heya! I've printed it off, I'll get the feedback to you ASAP!

Look! It's only been up a day and I have a bunch of new readers! One is even a fan! *little happy dance*

chocoholic, I'm glad you found some of the lines funny, that was my intention. ^_^ And yes, she stabbed that guy. I wanted it to be kind of off handed, so maybe it's a little confusing for readers. =P Oooh. Not make her turn good? That might be hard. We'll see what you think after the first chapter. I'm not sure about what her final alignment will be. But you've made me think, I may actually end up changing my original plans. =P

lyrical_sunshine, sorry! I don't think I can fix the first bit. It's a little heavy, I know. I've been trying like mad to find a way to rephrase the last bit but nothing comes to me. =P And it's my hook, so I don't want to mess with it too much. And you're right, she's not as evil as she thinks.

Vernon gets a hug! *hug!!* I like fans. I'll think about fixing up the diary to make it more show and less tell. It might be hard for most of it, since she's kind of just thinking to herself. Ooh! Maybe I can put her dreams in the journal! XD That would be good, I've been hard pressed to find somewhere to fit them in.

Hmmm. Everyone seems to agree that the analogy about the birds and the bees is a bit long. =P Which I'm thinking I agree with. Her dad is so much more to the point. I might try and shorten it, or maybe just cut it out altogether.

Thanks for the input guys! I hope you'll keep reading.

^_^ keek!

"Feedback questions
1) Did you find Yazra's mother's metaphor on the birds and the bees to be a bit long? No, I liked it... but you could probably shorten it if you want.
2) What scene, if any, did you find could benefit from more description? If any?? Are you having some overconfidence here, Valor?? (No, I'm just kidding!) The scene with the doctor could be better.
3) What do you think of Yazra so far? She's awesome. I love villains. Uh, figuratively, I mean... not... literally, in that sense. Oh, and only in stories, of course.

Comparative feedback questions (for old readers)
1) I got rid of her putting the book in her pants. Happy? =P Lol... this wasn't an edit I have, but probably a good idea anyways....
2) I also got rid of the scene with Toby. I figure I can work how she feels about kids into a scene later on. Yes? Toby?? Which one was Toby? Which scene???
3) Added some description. Not enough?" It's enough, I think.... maybe.

EDIT: "Yazra knew the animal to be a boar, just as she knew she wouldn’t be able to outrun the said boar if it was on some kind of rampage."

I didn't actually quite read all the way through the edited prologue, since I've read the original. But I'll get around to it soon. I skimmed it, just didn't thoroughly read it again.

Thanks for posting!! This story=amazing. In my top five stories on the site!!

See ya,

Teh Wozzinator

Hello! ^^

I critiqued your work, but a lot of people beat me to posting. I'll try not to repeat any and, if I do, I'll only elaborate.

It [s]will [/s] would start like this: “Sir, since you can choose your destiny...

You didn’t believe that ‘you can do and be anything you set your mind to’ crap either.

That might be a bit modern jargon there. Not sure if that's what you want, so thought I'd point it out.

She reached into his cloak and retrieved his purse, doing a quick search before [s]she[/s] standing up and slipping her spoils into various hidden folds in her shirts.

I never found out why she decided to become a witch, [period instead] she always said it was just in her nature.

I know all about mud cakes: mix the [what?] with poison, coat them in special potion twenty-three, and when it is finished cooking, it will look and smell like the tastiest pie you’ve ever seen.

I really like this part. I dunno why. I just do. ^^

It seemed as if the whole forest had become a silent and frozen painting, yet a tenseness made it feel as if it was simply holding in [s]it’s[/s] its breath.

Feedback questions
1) Did you find Yazra's mother's metaphor on the birds and the bees to be a bit long?
2) What scene, if any, did you find could benefit from more description?
3) What do you think of Yazra so far?

1. I rather enjoyed it, but it wouldn't hurt to shorten it. ^_^ I enjoyed reading it, though. She was very descriptive, but I think Yazra was too young to follow that whole explanation?

2. Maybe the beginning when she's with the doctor. Why was she there in the first place? Where was she? Of course, you may have other plans with this scene. I wouldn't know, would I?

3. I like her. She's strong (mentally), agile, knowledgeable, and yet faces conflicts within her family (so far anyway). And I also have to say that I've always wanted to write a story where the villain wins as well. I have too many things to do before I start any such thing, so I look forward to more of this.

Comparative feedback questions (for old readers)
1) I got rid of her putting the book in her pants. Happy? =P
2) I also got rid of the scene with Toby. I figure I can work how she feels about kids into a scene later on. Yes?
3) Added some description. Not enough?

1. I'll be happy to say I didn't comment on that part. If I did, I guess I didn't notice the pants thing this time.

2. Definitely. After reading this, the Toby scene seems completely random. This is much better. You'll have more chances to introduce the children. ^_^

3. It was beautiful! You are amazing with your description, I can't even put it in words. Lovely!

Let me know if you want on this list, if not you won't get spammed when I post new revised versions or make major changes to already posted revised versions. ^_^

I want on.

Please.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

**Edit: I don't know if you'll see this since you've already seen my crit, but I'll point it out anyway. You use she'd a lot, and I have to reread once or twice to know what you're trying to say. I don't know if that's worth fixing, but separating the contraction here and there may be a bit less annoying...?

~ Jabber ~

Thanks Woz! Thanks Jabber!

lol. Looks like I'll have to think about working in some details on the doctor scene. I don't want to add them at the beginning for fear of making it long and dull, but maybe I can work it in later.

[quote=JabberHut]It was beautiful! You are amazing with your description, I can't even put it in words. Lovely![/quote]
You know, I kind of thought the added description wasn't that good. =P Or maybe it's just that I didn't add much because I wanted to avoid adding anything horrible. I need to spend some time just describing stuff and brush up on my skills. I'm glad you liked it.

You are all wonderful readers!

^_^ Keek!

"Quote:
Apparently, the man who said ‘you are what you choose to be’ was a liar. A really horrible liar who took joy in making innocent little children believe that they could choose their own destiny and be whoever they wanted to be. If he’s still alive, someone should help him realize the error of his ways. It will start like this: “Sir, since you can choose your destiny, why don’t you decide you’re going to live while me and my knife decide you’re going to die, and see who’s will is stronger.”


This feels kind of...i don't know..heavy. like, too many words to a sentence or something. Can you break it up, make it a little simpler? "

Honestly, I don't agree with this. I just wanted to say this really quick. I thought that that was a really, really cool paragraph. I wouldn't edit it out....

Sorry if this now makes it hard for you to decide on what to do! But I loved a lot of the paragraphs that had a lot of meaning...

This one
Birds and bees
Wolves and rabbits

So, yeah, that's me again!

Teh Wozzinator

EDIT, PLEASE READ: I have decided that I would like to be on the "Revision List". Thank you!

^_^ Thanks Woz.

I don't think the first paragraph is in any danger. I like it just the way it is, though the very last line might need rephrasing (due to length =P).

The wolf one is safe too. I realize now (it was very offhanded at the time) that it's quite good, even though I was just trying to lighten the mood a bit.

The birds and the bees are in a little danger, because I do find them to be a bit long. If I can shorten it, or somehow make it less word heavy, I will.

Hey Valor, I did promise to do this. (This is number 1 of the 75 critique challenge in a week).

Apparently, the man who said ‘you are what you choose to be’ was a liar. A really horrible liar who took joy in making innocent little children believe that they could choose their own destiny and be whoever they wanted to be. If he’s still alive, someone should help him realize the error of his ways. It will start like this: “Sir, since you can choose your destiny, why don’t you decide you’re going to live while me and my knife decide you’re going to die, and see who’s will is stronger.”

Staring at the words she’d just written, Yazra emitted a cry in frustration, realizing the immoral direction her thoughts had taken. “Why is it so hard to be good?” she wailed. “I haven’t even written a page and it’s already corrupted!”

Interesting, lets see where this will lead (continues reading).

By the time Mr. Maybell, the owner of the tavern down the street, served her the dinner the kind doctor’s purse had provided for her, she’d completely put the afternoon’s sins behind her.

Two things. 1. Why a tavern as a setting? Taverns have been used a lot through fantasy literature and is often used to drive the plot forward or create foreshadowing i.e Lone warrior seeks haven in tavern, mysterious guy lurks in tavern doing secret dealings, murder occurs at tavern, bar tender dies etc etc. I mean come on, you have a good hook, but you have to use a cliche setting to drive the plot or to foreshadow... You can do better.

2. You mentioned the word "sin", but sin itself is quite a general term. If you think about it, sin can actually be viewed in many ways. For example, some view sin as black and white, specific areas of sin i.e greed, sloth, wrath etc, some even think certain areas of sin are not even sinful (E.g I don't think pride is a sin, it's actually a good thing) and other view points. You might want to be more specific here, as by using the word "sin" you've pretty much made me think twice about the "hook" and whether it makes sense or not. If her actions were acknowledged by you as being sin, why did she even do it anyway, despite wanting to kill the doc because she can and that she can choose her destiny?

She looked one last time at her handiwork, wondering if anyone would believe he’d committed suicide.

I find this rather pathetic. If the doctor had a history of depression, is suffering currently depression ( or something similar) , is being bullied, his life falling apart or something like that, ok fine I would accept it. But since you didn't elaborate on the doctor himself, am I supposed to assume that the police themselves would think that the doctor committed suicide just like that? Seems unrealistic and rather easy. Yazra didn't even make a attempt to adjust the position of the doctor's body to make it more convincing.

And why is she even thinking like that? I sense guilt in Yazra, and I am starting to question her as a solid character.

The man who gave me this journal is dead, mainly because I killed him. I’ve never kept a journal before, but then again I’ve never killed anyone either. Not that I know of anyways. I’m pretty sure fat, greasy old men don’t die just because you stab them in the leg, right?

If she hasn't even killed anyone before, then why even kill the doctor now?
Is the actions of the doctor enough to justify the decision of Yazra wanting to kill him? What is Yazra's motivation in killing the doctor? I think we need more elaboration/explanation on these factors.

“But we birds are fewer than the bees, and this is what you really have to understand, Yazra. Alone, the bees are weak and hopeless creatures, but sometimes their fear drives them to unite and they kill the birds out of mindless fear. That is why birds must fly high and away from the bees.”

I like the theme that you are working on to develop Yazra's mother, but the analogy itself to represent this theme is linear. Also, you didn't really develop the idea further, but only copy and paste an idea which has existed for a long time. Birds are often associated with freedom, we all know that, it's a common idea. As for the bees, I can see where you are coming from, but it is far from being mind compelling and clever. The comparison of the analogies is also linear, but can also be subjected to questioning. For example, how do the birds know exactly that they live pointless lives? Just because Yazra's mother knows doesn't mean the the other "birds" know that too. As for saying that bees live pointless lives, well think about it this way: What do birds do exactly? They pretty much spend the lives flying around, eating, mating, and die. Bees however actually work, they make honey and is responsible for the development of their colony for years to come. At least bees have a purpose in life. Birds really don't have much of a purpose. Who is living the pointless life then? Can you actually be entirely free? Think about it, it is more complex than what you actually have right now.

My father, for his part, believed that the world was filled with only two kinds of people: wolves, and rabbits. To illustrate this point, he once brought me a snow-white rabbit to keep as a pet. My mother made it into a stew. Rabbits, it turned out, existed only for the sake of satisfying the hunger of wolves.

Again, this is linear. At least the comparison of the analogies is a bit more stable this time (it can still be subjected to questioning to point out the major flaws. These flaws actually have a negative on the literacy merits of the piece). Also, you might want to elaborate on how their views of life are intertwined.

“The forest takes care of it’s own, Yazra. You trust it to take care of you and it will.”

Cliche. It is quite common to associate a forest with it being alive and communicating to its natives ( or to other trees). It is also common to scapegoat a forest with all that nature dilly dally.

Finding herself walking quickly in the direction the sound had come from, Yazra realized it was just as obvious she wasn’t going to be able to sleep with a clear conscience unless she tried to help.

Clear conscience? She killed someone. Even she acknowledged that what she wrote in the diary was corrupted.

Overall impressions:

I don't really like this piece. It's ok, but in some places, it doesn't really make sense, despite the fact that some ideas isn't something that you would expect in a typical fantasy. Firstly, Yazra is an issue with me. She killed the doctor, yet what she lacks in morals, she makes it up with denial. I can see that she wants to do good, but why? This is not explained. A lot of things about her character isn't explained clearly. Why does she resort to denial in an attempt to cover up her corruption? Why does she seek redemption? What is specifically holding Yazra back from redemption that she isn't strong enough to break away from? So many question were zooming in my mind as I read this piece. I like the way you are trying to have an original character, and it really shows that you are quite ambitious in the piece, which is a good thing. But if you can't explain or show as to why characters behave in the way that they do, then having originality doesn't mean anything if it doesn't make much sense. After all, if it doesn't make much sense, then how are we going to relate to the character?

The next issue that I had is Yazra's parents, and Yazra's relationship with them. I don't particularly like how they viewed life, nor them as characters. For starters, it doesn't really state how they categorized themselves in their "black and white" view of life. Am I to assume that they are like hybrids of an animal in their little analogies? This actually makes me question if their view of life is personal, or it's just repeating words from other people's mouth. I also question as to how strongly they viewed this. Their analogies of life is not only linear, but is actually a cliche in a way, as it is common to associate the animals in their particular roles and representations, not to mention as to how black and white their view on life is. This is where I believe that they are in denial too, but are afraid of admitting that they are puppets themselves. They take cliches and make it their own. Posers much? This actually has a negative affect on them as a solid character, and the strength of their view point. If they resort to cliches in their views of life, then doesn't it show that they not only lack intelligence, but the lack of passion and a strong belief in what they stand for? If their belief is so weak, not only does it make them as a character weak, but also their influence on Yazara as a character. How can you persuade someone if you don't have a good stand point in what you believe in?

You stated that Yazra hates her mum, despite her being a good mother. The only way for this point to be feasible is if Yazra realizes that her mother is in denial and is a poser. But Yazra herself is evil, yet she is in denial too. I've already stated that this point is not clearly explained, but the actual use of the idea of denial actually creates some confusion and contradictions, which is why I couldn't feel anything much for your characters. I just don't get them, despite your ideas being quite interesting. Denial only works if it is clearly explained and makes sense. Otherwise, it just creates confusion and fustration.

If you plan on rewriting this (which I actually hope you do, even though my critique doesn't suggest so), I think you should start off with defining Yazra as a character and slowly work your way up to the murder of the doctor. Not only would that be far more effective, but it actually allows you to be able to explain and elaborate on Yazra's actions and beliefs (especially the most important thing, the motivation). While rewriting, work in some descriptions and imagery into this ( yay I answered your question). Then, work in the back-story of the piece (be sure to make the analogies much more original and interesting).

Here, you've pretty much rushed the gun, making some things unexplained or questionable.

I'll probably read part 2 later if I have time. I hope my critique helped. Feel free to PM me if you got questions and I apologize if my critique was critical. I just feel that this piece is rather overrated and shouldn't deserve as much praise as it should have.

Good luck.

Andy.

P.S: I apologize if my grammar was a bit bad in places. I was more worried about getting my ideas down in black and white than the actual grammar itself.

Ok, I finally have time to reply.

1. I did think that this speach went a little bit long, but it helped show how she was raised and what she was taught. Maybe just make it a little shorter. (Nice touch about the wolves and the bunnies, kinda funny, kinda sad.)

2. I don't think any of these paragraphs need more detail.

3. I love Yazra! You made a character that has an interesting past, which is always good.

And here are the other questions.

1. She put the journal in her pant folds? What? Man... I didn't know that.

2. I think it's better w/o Toby. I got really confuzed with him in there because I barely got what that was for.

I sorta miss bear, but I'm sure I'll get to like the boar. So many people have posted before me, so I don't have much to say.

Yazra tucked her new journal into a pocket hidden in the many folds of her multiple shirts and stood, pushing back the thick, wild, brown curls that framed her thin face.

Loong sentence there and a little overloaded with information.

a rewrite, using a little of what’s below as well:
Yazra stood and tucked her new journal into a pocket hidden in the many folds of her multiple shirts. Pushing her wild brown curls back, she leaned over the doctor as he slumped in his chair. Her thin face curled into a warm, flirtatious smile.

Any better?

She reached into his cloak and retrieved his purse, doing a quick search before she standing up and slipping her spoils into various hidden folds in her shirts. He’d never notice them missing, he was dead after all.

You already said that she had many shirts and many hiding places. Maybe something like “…slipping her spoils into various places on her person” would work better. It isn’t quite as repetitive.

“You brought this on yourself,” she said quietly, wishing she felt something stronger than indifference for her actions.

That needs to be bumped down into it’s own paragraph, rather than lingering at the end of the last one.

My mother was a witch, and not just any witch: The Dread Witch herself.

This seems rather awkward. My mother was a witch, but not just any witch. She was the Dread Witch herself.

I kid you not. She used to be a healer, actually. I never found out why she decided to become a witch, she always said it was just in her nature.

“I kid you not” seems to be a rather modern expression and it throws the timesense out the window…If you intend for everyone to talk in a modern way, then leave it in because it is pretty funny, but for a believable ‘mediaeval’ sense, you might want to cut that…

Yazra heard a twig snap somewhere so she silently shut the journal and tucked it into her bag, her free hand simultaneously sliding towards her boot knife.

Another looooong sentence.
Another rewrite from moi: Yazra heard a twig snap somewhere. Silently shutting the journal, she tucked it into her bag while her free hand slid towards her boot knife.

The best thing to do was get off the ground and stay there until the boar was gone.

Was there a time jump? Right before this last journal entry, Yazra packs up and goes to sleep in a tree. Then when we see her next, here, she is on the ground and writing in her journal. Perhaps you could skip her writing in the journal this time totally and just go straight from italics to her hearing the forest go quiet. Then, you could talk about having to stay off the ground, but then she jumps down and goes to see what is going on as she does below… Also, just how does she know that it is a boar?


*^**^*^*^*

Feedback questions
1) Did you find Yazra's mother's metaphor on the birds and the bees to be a bit long?

Yeah, it was a bit long. You have quite a bit of information just in this first part and it does ramble a little bit.

2) What scene, if any, did you find could benefit from more description?

I really couldn’t find any… Great job thus far.

3) What do you think of Yazra so far?

It’s kind of strange how much I like her. I mean, she’s the bad guy (?) for crying out loud… But she is a great character.

Comparative feedback questions (for old readers)
1) I got rid of her putting the book in her pants. Happy? =P
2) I also got rid of the scene with Toby. I figure I can work how she feels about kids into a scene later on. Yes?
3) Added some description. Not enough?

1) Yes.
2) Yes.
3) Nice amount *thumbs up*


Also I want on the update and revision lists!

Having read other people's comments and especially Fayth's, I have to agree that the starting with the doctor's being killed is a little sudden. We don't really care about the doctor and all he really does is give her the journal and get killed. Maybe give a little backstory as to why she was at the doctor's office and maybe hint at Yazra's darker side, but you can save the full venting for later or something... I dunno...

Anyway, I loved this. I read the earlier draft of the prologue and I'd have to say that this part of the new one at least is a bit more concise and clearer. Nice job there!

*applause*

~GryphonFledgling

Ack! I am so late in reviewing this.

I feel really bad, mainly because my critique probably won't be of much help, but I want to comment anyways. And I was asked to.

Staring at the words she’d just written, Yazra emitted a cry in frustration, realizing the immoral direction her thoughts had taken. “Why is it so hard to be good?” she wailed. “I haven’t even written a page and it’s already corrupted!”

The beginning is really great, I think, but the new version of the second paragraph seems kind of stiff. I like the old one better... 'emitted a cry in frustration' sounds kind of stiff. I mean, it's still good -- it could be just a matter of personal preference.

Yazra tucked her new journal into a pocket hidden in the many folds of her multiple shirts and stood, pushing back the thick, wild, brown curls that framed her thin face. She went to lean over the doctor where he slumped in his chair and gave him a warm, flirtatious smile. The irony made her vivid green eyes sparkle, but she sobered quickly.

This paragraph seems a little adjective-heavy. I mean, you kind of dump it on us that she has multiple skirts, thick and brown and wild curls, a thin face, her smile was warm and flirtatious, and her eyes are vivid and green. It seems like a bit much...

I think you should keep the description of Yazra, but cut down on teh adjectives. Take out 'thick' when describing her hair, as it doesn't really add to the image. And maybe 'vvid' isn't necessary either, at least not until later in the story? I remember you mentioning how she hid her eyes once because they were hard to forget: they had a vivid, distinct colour. Or something like that. XD

By the time Mr. Maybell, the owner of the tavern down the street, served her the dinner the kind doctor’s purse had provided for her, she’d completely put the afternoon’s sins behind her.

I agree with Andy that this is kind of cliché. Taverns are used so often in literature, especially Fantasy.

Feedback questions
1) Did you find Yazra's mother's metaphor on the birds and the bees to be a bit long?

Just a bit. Since she's only six years old, maybe you could shorten it -- surely her mother would try to simplify it for her on account of her youth? I know I certainly didn't comprehend things like that when I was six.

2) What scene, if any, did you find could benefit from more description?

The scene where she leaves the doctor's room. I couldn't picture anything but Yazra; maybe describe how the doctor looked in death, the room around her?

3) What do you think of Yazra so far?

I love Yazra. She is so... awesome. And while I agree with Andy that she seems kind of inconsistent, I think that the inconsistency, if fixed 80%, would make her a very convincing character. I mean, can't us humans be a little inconsistent too?

Comparative feedback questions (for old readers)
1) I got rid of her putting the book in her pants. Happy? =P

Definitely.

2) I also got rid of the scene with Toby. I figure I can work how she feels about kids into a scene later on. Yes?

Yeah, that seems like a good idea to me.

3) Added some description. Not enough?

The descriptions are good, I think. There could be more in certain parts, but I mentioned that before and in my crit for Part 2.

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Overall, I really like this. You've got me hooked, and it's an improvement from the original version. =)

I'm so sorry to be so unhelpful... part 3, I'll be sure to crit as soon as I see it posted. Promise. *crosses her heart*

Keep writing!
... or else!

Just kidding, but please do continue! You're very talented.

Cheers,
Camille