Young Writers Society

Hey, everyone. I know that I have already posted this, but people have complained that they would rather have StoweAway be posted in seperate chapters, so I locked my old one down. I really like this story, and I think you will too!

Of Considerable Importance

1

There was a series of events that led to Lord Isaac’s downfall which I believe are of the greatest importance.

Elias Isaac was a man of incredible wealth and power. He was elected as the Supreme Judge of London in the primitive seventeenth century, and climbed up the political ladder until he was at his climax. Lord Isaac cared for the successful and thriving nation of the wealthy. The prosperous were invited to join in Parliament and could pass laws and decrees, which would aid the rich.

The poor roamed the streets as pitiful beggars. They were outcasts of the rich, like a wounded lamb in the midst of healthy sheep. The needy would rarely find shelter from the cold, grueling days. They would work for little money, performing tasks that the rich found disgusting. The poor had no other choice than surrender to their own fate. The royalty surrounded them, giving up nothing but an insignificant glance downward onto the streets, where the poor were upon their knees, holding out their hands and begging.
No one did anything to help them. No one tried to stop the horrible things that the English were doing to their surplus population. No one cared. The poor would live out their lives and die. It was the way of life. No one tried to help them.

Until Isaac came before the Prime Minister on the night of November eleventh, 1804.

*

There was a knock on the Prime Minister’s door, and he edgily spoke, “Come in.” The Prime Minister was an old man; at the age of fifty-two, he became the Minister and fourteen years had passed since then. He firmly grasped one of the handles to the drawers on his desk, making his knuckles turn a ghastly white. He breathed deeply through his nostrils, trying to calm himself. Sweat started to break out along the hairline, and the Prime Minister's eyes were fearful.

A man in an overcoat and a top hat stepped through the doorway, closing the door. His beady eyes examined the entire room from the depths of his dark face. The man cautiously looked around the room until his eyes rested upon the Prime Minister.

The Prime Minister gripped tighter, holding onto the small marble handle.

"G'day, Prime Minister," the visitor said politely. "It is an honor to be sent for." He took one step forward as the Minister seated himself in the high-back leather chair, fully alert.

“I am sure that the honor is mine, Judge Isaac,” the Prime Minister replied, hoping that some kind of a warm greeting had made its way out of his lies.

Judge Isaac smiled and nodded. He took a step onto the decorated red carpet that lined the Prime Minister’s office.

“My, my. This is a spectacular room, sir. Oh.” Isaac stopped as his eyes fell to the wide window behind the Minister. The red curtains were drawn, revealing a marvelous view of London.

Isaac took another step towards the window. The Minister gripped, if possible, even tighter. He could feel the ridges of the round handle digging into his skin.

“May I?” Isaac asked, his eyes yearning to take a long look at the glorious view.

The Minister’s bottom lip trembled he and said, “Judge Isaac, may we get to the topic?”

“Ah, yes, of course, Prime Minister,” Isaac said, taking a step back from the window. His eyes fixated on the Minister, cutting into him, as if trying to tear his soul apart. He took another step back and looked away from the politician. “May I?” he pointed to a brown leather chair sitting just mere feet of the desk.

“Of course,” the Minister said, his grip tensioning. He stared at the man in anger, wishing that this conversation would be over forever.

It had been long known that the Prime Minister of England had a controversial disagreement with Judge Isaac. The Judge wished that the surplus population should be evacuated from the country and sold as slaves. Isaac would then receive the income and he would distribute the earnings to the rich.

In other words: out with the beggars, in with more money.

Of course, there were other topics that are too numerous to name, and the Prime Minister disapproved of all of them. Judge Isaac had set up a meeting so that they could ‘discuss’ their differences and make a treaty of some sort. Easier said than done, the Prime Minister thought as Judge Isaac sat down and leaned back into the chair.

“Judge Isaac, I see no reason for us to be meeting here tonight. I have values that I will not allow to be tampered with!” the Prime Minister began, but Judge Isaac cut him off with a raise of his hand.

“Yes, yes, I know of your values that you speak of. You are against slavery, am I correct?” Isaac asked, lifting one eyebrow. The Prime Minister gripped his marble handle once again.

“Yes. Indeed, I am against it. Slavery is wrong. We are all human beings, therefore we all have a chance to live as –”

“Are you telling me that you enjoy having poverty amidst in your land? Are you saying that you enjoy seeing beggars upon the street, kneeling there like dirty scum?” Isaac commanded, rising from his seat. The Prime Minister shook his head and started to speak, but got cut off again.

“Then why do you insist that you litter our streets with these… these… abominable rats?”

“I command you to stop!” the Prime Minister shouted, his voice reverberating off of the walls. But Judge Isaac did not stop.

“Then why do you not comply with me and get rid of the whole lot?” Isaac shouted, throwing his hands up into the air. His face was turning bright red and his small beard was rustled.

“Because I believe that every human being has a right to live his life in any manner of which he chooses!” the Prime Minister roared, standing up from his leather chair also. He spoke as if in spurts, making his words utterly powerful. He continued, “That is why I insist that they remain. We can still help them. We can still help them. Judge Isaac, if we put our differences behind us, we can be rid of poverty forevermore.”

Isaac stared at the man straight in the face. His face was distorted into a strange frown and his bushy eyebrows were burrowed into his head.

“You – are – not – listening to me!” he roared. Suddenly, Isaac growled and his hand dove into his black coat pocket.

The Prime Minister gasped as he saw a long knife, glinting in the light of the room. Isaac grinned madly and held the dagger pointed down.

“Judge Isaac, I command you to put that weapon away. You will be escorted out and never to return again. Do you hear?” the Prime Minister said, his eyes glued to the knife.

“I gave you a chance, Minister. And you denied me. I gave you a chance and you denied me!” Isaac roared and he swore loudly. With terrifying speed, he crashed the knife down on top of the desk, puncturing important papers and bills.

The Minister was so surprised by this sudden attack that he yelped and leaned back into his chair. The chair rocked on two leg and finally fell backwards, sending the Prime Minister crashing to the floor and, subsequently, through the huge window behind him.

Judge Isaac smiled as he saw the Prime Minister’s eyes for the last time. Overcome by fear, the old man couldn’t even scream for help; it was too late. The Prime Minister had crashed through the window and fell four stories through the air.

And Judge Isaac hadn’t touched a single hair on the dead man’s head.

*

I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this!

Okay lets begin, thanks for taking my advice to post it all in chapters. Sorry if I repeat others before. Now first passage.

There was a series of events that led to Lord Isaac’s downfall which I believe are of the greatest importance.

This isn't a great hook, and a rule in prose is the first line should always hook people in. Plus you start in first person but then switch to third person. Think of a better first line.

Elias Isaac was a man of incredible wealth and power. He was elected as the Supreme Judge of London in the primitive seventeenth century, and climbed up the political ladder until he was at his climax. Lord Isaac cared for the successful and thriving nation of the wealthy. The prosperous were invited to join in Parliament and could pass laws and decrees, which would aid the rich.

The poor roamed the streets as pitiful beggars. They were outcasts of the rich, like a wounded lamb in the midst of healthy sheep. The needy would rarely find shelter from the cold, grueling days. They would work for little money, performing tasks that the rich found disgusting. The poor had no other choice than surrender to their own fate. The royalty surrounded them, giving up nothing but an insignificant glance downward onto the streets, where the poor were upon their knees, holding out their hands and begging.
No one did anything to help them. No one tried to stop the horrible things that the English were doing to their surplus population. No one cared. The poor would live out their lives and die. It was the way of life. No one tried to help them.

This is bit too info-dumpish. A rule in writing is show instead of tell. Find ways to show this instead of telling us. Get rid of all uneeded purple prose. You need to figure how to show all this instead of telling.

There was a knock on the Prime Minister’s door, and he clearly spoke, “Come in.” The Prime Minister was an old man; at the age of fifty-two, he became the Minister and fourteen years had passed since then. And for the first time in those fourteen years, he felt afraid of what was going to happen. He firmly grasped one of the handles to his drawers on his desk, making his knuckles turn a ghastly white. He breathed deeply through his nostrils, trying to calm himself down.

Okay now lets really get to nitty gritty: "There was a knock on the Prime Minister’s door, and he clearly spoke, “Come in.” You mention later he's afraid if I'm scared I don't normally clearly speak. Remember you want to show things not tell us. Also, "And for the first time in those fourteen years, he felt afraid of what was going to happen. He firmly grasped one of the handles to his drawers on his desk, making his knuckles turn a ghastly white." Omit the start as the telling us he's clutching draws hard show us he's afraid. Though add more to show the fear eyes, sweating you know.

Next paragraph fine .

The politician gripped tighter, holding onto the small marble handle that was attached to his desk.

Change 'Politician' to 'The Prime Minister...'. You've already told us he's squeezing a drawer handle telling us again it's attached to desk is info-dumping. Omit 'that was attached to his desk.'

"G'day, Prime Minister," the visitor said quietly. "It is an honor to be sent for." He took one step forward as the Minister seated himself in the high-back leather char, fully alert.

Only a suggestion but politely would seem better than quietly. Saying quietly seems like he's scared. *Chair*.

The next bit fine.

“My, my. This is a spectacular room, sir. Oh.” Isaac stopped as his eyes fell to the wide window behind the Minister. The red curtains were drawn, revealing a marvelous view of London.

Isaac took another step towards the window. The Minister gripped, if possible, even tighter. He could feel the ridges of the round handle digging into his skin.

BBB tell us why Isaac thinks it's a spectacular room. Explain why. Next complaint you told us enough about his hand gripping how about him beginning to sweat something more than his hand squeezing knob it loses it's effectiveness after a while.

Next bit fine.

It had been long known that the Prime Minister of England had a controversial disagreement with Judge Isaac. The Judge wished that the surplus population should be evacuated from the country and sold as slaves. Isaac would then receive the income and he would distribute the earnings to the rich.

In other words: out with the beggars, in with more money.

A bit info-dumpy. You could just show this in the convo they have. Plus it distract from the scene. Seems like you put it in just to increase word count. No offence.

The Prime Minister gripped his marble handle once again.

Two things when did he stop? And surely you can make him do more.

“I command you to stop!” the Prime Minister shouted, his voice reverberating off of the walls. But Judge Isaac did not stop.

Why does no one hear him then if he shouted so loud? Plus he's Prime Minister you'd expect some sort of security. Why does no one come?

“Because I believe that every human being has a right to live his life in any manner of which he chooses!” the Prime Minister roared, standing up from his leather chair also. He spoke as if in spurts, making his words utterly powerful. He continued, “That is why I insist that they remain. We can still help them. We can still help them. Judge Isaac, if we put our differences behind us, we rid of poverty forevermore.”

I'll come back to this.

The Minister was so surprised by this sudden attack that he yelped and leaned back into his chair. The chair rocked on two leg and finally fell backwards, sending the Prime Minister crashing to the floor and, subsequently, through the huge window behind him.

Now two things 'lean' is no way right word. Two I don't fall in seats when scared. I jump way you can do this still is he jumps back falling over chair and out the window. Plus another problem is the chair fallen over he can't really lean into it. Since it's toppled over.

Judge Isaac smiled as he saw the Prime Minister’s eyes for the last time. Overcome by fear, the old man couldn’t even scream for help; it was too late. The Prime Minister had crashed through the window and fell six stories through the air.

You'd scream trust me. It's high and so still can scream.

Okay overall you've alot to do. You need to try and establish fear with Prime Minister better. Less telling more showing. You need to work on that. Make sure the actions make sense with the events. You're main problem is telling not showing. You can overcome it. I'd delete the bit at the beginning it's too infodumpy or keep first paragraph. I wouldn't keep it though. So BBB feel obliged this is longest review I've done for ages.

Good luck
VSN

BigBadBear wrote: There was a knock on the Prime Minister’s door, and he clearly spoke, “Come in.” The Prime Minister was an old man; at the age of fifty-two[s],[/s] he became the Minister and fourteen years had passed since then. And for the first time in those fourteen years, he felt afraid of what was going to happen. He firmly grasped one of the handles to [s]his[/s]the drawer[s]s[/s] on his desk, making his knuckles turn a ghastly white. He breathed deeply through his nostrils, trying to calm himself [s]down[/s].

A man in an overcoat and a top hat stepped through the doorway [s]and [/s]clos[s]ed[/s]ing the door. His beady eyes examined the entire room from the depths of his dark face. The man cautiously looked around the room until his eyes rested upon the Prime Minister.

“May I?” Isaac asked, his eyes yearning to take a long look at the glorious view. should be a new paragraph hereThe Minister’s bottom lip trembled [s]he and said[/s], “Judge Isaac, may we get to the topic?”

“Ah, yes, of course, Prime Minister,” Isaac said, taking a step back from the window. His eyes fixated on the Minister, [s]his brown eyes[/s] cutting into him, as if trying to tear his soul apart. He took another step back and [s]took his eyes off of[/s]looked away from the politician. “May I?” he pointed to a brown leather chair sitting just mere feet [s]of[/s]from the desk.

“Of course,” the Minister said, his grip tens[s]ion[/s]ing. He stared at the man in anger, wishing that this conversation would be over forever.

Of course, there were other topics that are too numerous to name, and the Prime Minister disapproved of all of them. Judge Isaac had set up a meeting so that they could ‘discuss’ their [s]differeances[/s]differences and make a treaty of some sort. Easier said than done, the Prime Minister thought as Judge Isaac sat down and leaned back into the chair.

“Judge Isaac, I see no reason for us to be meeting here tonight. I have values that I will not allow to be tampered with!” the Prime Minister began, but Judge Isaac cut him off with a raise[s]ing[s] of his hand.

“Because I believe that every human being has a right to live his life in any manner of which he chooses!” the Prime Minister roared, standing up from his leather chair also. He spoke as if in spurts, making his words utterly powerful. He continued, “That is why I insist that they remain. We can still help them. We can still help them. Judge Isaac, if we put our differences behind us, we can be rid of poverty forevermore.”

Isaac stared [s]at[/s] the man straight in the face. His [s]face[/s] was distorted into a strange frown and his bushy eyebrows were burrowed into his head.

Quite the unexpected ending there. It sounds neat, I like the general story of it. Make sure your dates are right, this might be better suited as historical fiction actually. You should think about where you are headed with it next time you post another piece.

Beware of dialogue tags, you use them quite often and it can drag your story. Not a good thing considering the fast pace you ended up at.

All in all it was pretty cool. I didn't like the very beginning, I think you should jump straight into the story. It might help it pick up and go better.

Just a few suggestions, enjoy.
Adam

Hey BBB!

I've already crit this piece before, so I won't again. This is really good, just something to be careful of:

1800s England, They wouldn't have had six story buildings, trust me.

This is great aprt frm that, becareful to do a little research beofre you do histrorical fiction, bty, should this be in fantasy? It doesn't feel as though it should, tr historical unless you will be having some ficititious creatures

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Hey, Adam, Mark, thanks!

This is fantasy. It may not seem like it right now, but it is.

Thanks though!

BBB

All right, first piece.

There was a series of events that led to Lord Isaac’s downfall which I believe are of the greatest importance.

You have a tense change right in the beginning sentence here. As it is a narrator, I would say "There is a series..." (and "series" happens to be singular here, instead of plural).

For a opener, you might want to get rid of that whole "series" as it confuses. I would go with "There are certain events that led..."

The next two paragraphs are really tedious exposition. It is all generalized. I suggest going into more depth to the point that we get one or two individual in which the lord helps.

There was a knock on the prime minister’s door

Really, "prime minister" should be lower case unless you put it before a person's name. There are other instances in which it would capitalized, but I won't bore you with them. I suggest just making them lower case unless it's before a name.

The red curtains were drawn, revealing a marvelous view of London.

I enjoy all the little places where you have description like this. You're doing a nice job describing the type of man the PM is with setting.

“Ah, yes, of course, Prime Minister,” Isaac said, taking a step back from the window. [s]His eyes fixated on the Minister his brown eyes cutting into him, as if trying to tear his soul apart.[/s] He took another step back and took his eyes off of the politician. “May I?” he pointed to a brown leather chair sitting just mere feet of the desk.

I think you could describe that scene in a better way. It's a bit cliche at the moment.

It had been long known that the Prime Minister of England had a controversial disagreement with Judge Isaac. The Judge wished that the surplus population should be evacuated from the country and sold as slaves. Isaac would then receive the income and he would distribute the earnings to the rich.

In other words: out with the beggars, in with more money.

Of course, there were other topics that are too numerous to name, and the Prime Minister disapproved of all of them. Judge Isaac had set up a meeting so that they could ‘discuss’ their differeances and make a treaty of some sort. Easier said than done, the Prime Minister thought as Judge Isaac sat down and leaned back into the chair.

This is more exposition. This could possibly be explained in the conversation between the two, and in doing so, you'll characterize the two. Be careful not to demonize one and put a halo over the other. Keep the two on a somewhat equal level.

“Are you telling me that you enjoy having poverty amidst in your land? Are you saying that you enjoy seeing beggars upon the street, kneeling there like dirty scum?” Isaac commanded, rising from his seat. The Prime Minister shook his head and started to speak, but got cut off again.

Arguments and words such as these do very well to create tension and conflict, not only in the story, but also in the reader. I would keep stuff like this and really try to give a greater impact.

The Prime Minister gasped as he saw a long knife, glinting in the light of the room. Isaac grinned madly and held the dagger pointed down.

To me, this event was too quick to get to. I think you should draw the issue of the poor out more, giving each man the opportunity to be fleshed out a bit more. I'd like to get a better idea of how they were as men.

“Judge Isaac, I command you to put that weapon away. You will be escorted out and never to return again. Do you hear?” the Prime Minister said, his eyes glued to the knife.

This line just seemed like it wouldn't really happen. I suggest going one of two ways. The PM could plea for his life or he could threaten Isaac with an even crueler punishment.

The chair rocked on two leg and finally fell backwards, sending the Prime Minister crashing to the floor and, subsequently, through the huge window behind him.

You have the window set up nicely in the beginning, but I would try to give the reader more of a hint that it would be possible to go through the window. And that fact that the PM was near it while he was in his chair. This will build some suspense as Isaac nears him and slams the knife into the desk.

And Judge Isaac hadn’t touched a single hair on the dead man’s head.

Not a very inspiring ending. If you could somehow tie it back to the issue of overcrowding, I think it would be more powerful: My suggestion (or something along these lines):

"The Prime Minister had fallen six stories to the ground below. Just another rat disposed of, thought Judge Isaac."

So there you are! I hope this helps and feel free to PM me with questions or comments.

Edit: " “Of course,” the Minister said, his grip tensioning." I would just use "tensing" over "tensioning" because it sounds more natural and much better to the reader.

Also: "...Are you saying that you enjoy seeing beggars upon the street, kneeling there like dirty scum?” Isaac commanded, rising from his seat." I don't really think that "commanded" is the right word in this case, since Isaac's asking.

Other than that, good.

I'll definitely be reading more--I'll get to part two (since it just came out) soon.

It's an interesting plot--I think it's a good idea.

Great job!! (As usual with your stuff )

Teh Wozzinator

*waves* Hiya Jared! I don't think I've read anything of yours. Man, I fail as a friend. xD

The poor had no other choice than surrender to their own fate.

Seems like it should be "than to surrender" to me.

Hmm.. interesting beginning. Not sure if I totally love it or not. =/

There was a knock on the Prime Minister’s door, and he edgily spoke,

Oh my word. Get rid of the adverb before I hurt you. >.<

In fact, get rid of most of your adverbs. A lot of them don't click.

The Prime Minister gripped tighter, holding onto the small marble handle

You're saying "Prime Minister" way too much. Pronouns yes? ^^

Note: You do the same thing with "Judge Isaac." Pronouns are win. Remember that.

his grip tensioning

His grip tightening, mayhaps? Tensioning... doesn't seem like a word. xD

*waves* Hiya Jared! I don't think I've read anything of yours. Man, I fail as a friend. xD

The poor had no other choice than surrender to their own fate.

Seems like it should be "than to surrender" to me.

Hmm.. interesting beginning. Not sure if I totally love it or not. =/

There was a knock on the Prime Minister’s door, and he edgily spoke,

Oh my word. Get rid of the adverb before I hurt you. >.<

In fact, get rid of most of your adverbs. A lot of them don't click.

The Prime Minister gripped tighter, holding onto the small marble handle

You're saying "Prime Minister" way too much. Pronouns yes? ^^

Note: You do the same thing with "Judge Isaac." Pronouns are win. Remember that.

his grip tensioning

His grip tightening, mayhaps? Tensioning... doesn't seem like a word. xD

Ooh, interesting twist at the end there. Way to make it look like an accident/suicide. =P

Me gusta, Jared. I'll have to read more sometime. ^^
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

Why so many long posts?
I liked it as I do al of your posts, but the fact that people do so many long things like this drives me nuts!!!
Keep up the good work!
shanan-cat to j-monkey!

Heya, hon. So here is my critique of the first chapter. If you don't understand something and need clarification, or my handwriting is illegible, please tell me.







The two things that I think you should change in your rewrite is that this begins much like an essay and that you need to build up the tension in this piece without all the info dumps.

Good luck.

Ta,
Cal.

The technicalities are in most need of development

::He was elected as the Supreme Judge of London in the primitive seventeenth century

This would mean he was elected judge in and around 1600-1640.

You then go onto to say that the date of the meeting is "1804" - this would make Isaac a maximum of 204 years old....

Also the Minister addresses him as "Judge Isaac" I'm not sure if this is the correct form of address. I think "Lord Isaac" would be better. Judges are only addressed as so inside the court, they are lords (Kt) everywhere else. (I think).

Hey BBB! Sorry it's taken me eight gajillion million years to get around to commenting on this. I do see that you've gotten one of Cal's yummy critiques, so naturally I'm very jealous of you to start.

My main gripe with this piece is a basic lack of show-don't-tell. You've got tell-don't-show syndrome to a semi-serious degree here, my friend, but never fear! It's completely fixable.

A specific example:

The poor roamed the streets as pitiful beggars. They were outcasts of the rich, like a wounded lamb in the midst of healthy sheep. The needy would rarely find shelter from the cold, grueling days. They would work for little money, performing tasks that the rich found disgusting. The poor had no other choice than surrender to their own fate. The royalty surrounded them, giving up nothing but an insignificant glance downward onto the streets, where the poor were upon their knees, holding out their hands and begging.

It reads like a synopsis. Rather than generalizing, throwing out this faceless "the poor," why not give a specific example, showing how these "outcasts of the rich" are destitute? Show us a horde of blonde, dirty-faced children begging in the streets, and their starving mother, pregnant for the sixth time. Let us watch the wealthy roll by in their carriages, powdered and pressed, ignoring the true human suffering that surrounds them. You've got a good start here, but rather than telling us how it is most of the time, show us a particularly powerful instance of their ignorance, cruelty, and vanity, and then let it be known (implied) that this is how it always is.

Showing the reader what's going on, rather than just stating it, will also fix any tension issues you've got going on, I think.

So best of luck to you; thanks for leaving the request!

BigBadBear wrote: There was a series of events that led to Lord Isaac’s downfall which I believe are of the greatest importance.

The first thing i always make sure i do is make the opening sentence perfect. Make the reader inclined to read on, rather then expect them to