Young Writers Society

Bursts of ecstatic magic, like giving sweet Spring kisses in the rain,
Fills her to the core as she hears her name slip out from between parched lips.
A willing, a longing, of being wound and locked in tight chains of love.
Be there a lock, but no key to irritate the bond nor aggravate the passion.
His thirst, unquenched, rises flesh of the goose and a hunger unfed,
Warms her blood, wets her hands, churns a cauldron deep within.

Who proclaims this as Sin?
For its virulence to the soul with which cannot be bared? Unseen through sweet caresses,
Nor described through sensuous murmurs. What is not Love, is unforgiving Lust?
She slips a hand through his hair and toys tenderly with the strands.
Is this now what we have come to name as “Sweet, Tender Love”?
He removes her hand, eyes dark and face shadowed, stamping kisses upon her palm.

Is that what we have come to call as “Dark, Poisonous Lust“? For its brutality,
And lack of romance? A flame is ignited and the embers burn slowly, releasing passion.
Releasing fury, which surrounds them in the room.
Neither care that the evening grows later for she and he both, as the sky inks into a black abyss .
This moment, this night, is all she wishes to have. For no chain holds as strong as that,
Of a lover’s embrace.

But, that of lust will always be stronger.

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I really hate my last line. It took me forever to think of... and it still doesn't fit. Help!! [The next one will be Vanity.]

Forever,
~*Syd*~

Oh! Also. For those of you who are awaiting the next chapter to Heiress: Don't worry; it's coming! ^_^

Hey, I thought I already reviewed this, but I must have logged off or something....anyway! Back to the topic!
Firstly, I was drawn to this through the detailed use of poetic language. You've sort of got a philosophical- yet graphic tone at the same time....if you get my drift?!
The only thing I didnt like was the long, overrunning sentences, but I reckon that could be polished up through re-structering.
Otherwise, Great!
Keep it up!

Ah yes! First critique, at last! lol Thank you so much for your input on what you liked and what you thought could be changed. I was going to switch to shorter lines, but I've seen other poets on here use longer ones, so I thought I'd give it a try to see if I could do it. ^_^

Thanks again! Best wishes.

~*Syd*~

How about something the sights the fact that physical embrace is born from lust not love.

This is good. The only problem i have with it, is that it could possibly have too many questions right bang in the centre. I know you've gone for the repetition but im not sure, it could be a bit too much. BUT I HATE QUESTIONS, so you probably shouldn't listen to me. I only ever use one, at the maximum. And rarely.

About the last line...hmm..I dont think it's necessary to split it off. But its your call.

I really like this though, some of the imagery is gorgeous: "stamping kisses upon her palm" for example.

Nice work x

cool!

Well, I usually don't read poetry because it bores me, but this didn't. And I was surprised at how descriptive you were.

*tries desperately to find something wrong with the beautiful poem*

Nor described through sensuous murmurs. What is not Love, is unforgiving Lust?

The bolded part is really hard to understand what is going on. Read it aloud, using the comma as a little break part.

What is not Love.

[pause]

is unforgiving Lust?

Maybe it's the question mark that is throwing me off. I would replace it with a period (.) instead. It would make it a little easier to read.

The tone that you use is very cool for this poem. It's mystifying and a little challenging to read, but your metaphores and stuff like that is really good.

I would read it out loud and check for any punctuation things. Because I think that I learned in 7th grade that puncutation was the main focus of a poem. :huh: That didn't make any sense.

Anywho, great poem, and thanks for signing up on my "Need to Crit" make sure that you keep submitting!

BBB

i loved the graphic nature it holds and how it describes lust...the only thing would be to again shorten the sentences...give the same expression in fewer words is what a great writer aims for...other than that it was awesome. love your style!!

Thanks for your inputs and opinions, guys! You are my motivation. ^_^

Royally,
~*Lady Sydney*~