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Spelton Academy, Chapter 2



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Thu Jan 03, 2008 11:56 pm
onceuponatim3xo says...



Thank you soooo much for any and all critiques! :D

Here's Chapter 2:



CHAPTER 2

By: Onceuponatim3xo


A long while later, we finally had arrived at Riveroaks.


Our relatives were waiting at the train station with grins from ear to ear. I smiled half-heartedly. They came up to my family and kissed and hugged us. My Aunt Evelyn pinched my cheek and spoke to me in baby-talk, Uncle Donovan punched my arm like I was a boy, Uncle Flynn pat me on the back, and Aunt Matilda smiled and waved shyly. Unlike myself, my older brother and younger sister were enjoying all of the attention.

My family talked and laughed with my relatives. Aunt Matilda and I were the only ones not having a good time. I hadn’t seen her in forever, but I remembered that Aunt Matilda always had a wonderful mood. I wanted to reach out to her and ask her what was wrong, but I held back, I didn’t want to get into her personal business. She was looking down and examining her shoes, she turned her foot this way and that. Her long almost gypsy-like skirt swaying as her legs moved.

After a while of studying her shoes, she looked up at me, and smiled a little. She walked toward me, and asked me how I was doing. I remembered what my mother said about bringing everyone down with my mood, and so I said enthusiastically “I’m great, how are you?”

“I’m well.” She replied, although her face showed otherwise. “What have you been up to since I’ve last seen you?”

“Not too much.” I said.

“Same here.” Aunt Matilda looked back down at her shoes.

“Come on everyone, let’s go see the house!” Uncle Donovan shouted, interrupting our awkward conversation. At his words we all weaved through the crowd to leave the station.


Two carriages awaited us outside and we split up into either one. I had my mother, Ella, Aunt Matilda, and Uncle Flynn with me. The other carriage held my dad, Uncle Donovan, Aunt Evelyn, and my brother - Andrew.

We soon pulled away from the train station and left to the house. At first the area around us was all industrial, but then the amount of buildings grew smaller and smaller, and I began to see snowy fields and forests. The trees were missing leaves, looking dead and sinister, and the ground was blindingly white with the snow from the winter.

After many fields and the random house passed, we finally came to more close together houses, yet we still didn’t stop. We passed mine and Andrew’s new schoolhouse - Ella being to young to go to school. Then, a few streets later, we started going up a hill. The road on the hill was bordered with trees and a while later the road diverged into two, we took the one on the left and drove up the hill even more. I started to think that we were on a never ending inclining road, but then I saw a gate. It was a large, old black gate, with peeling paint and sharp points at the top. The drivers stopped the carriages a few feet away from it. Then one of the drivers got up from their seat and opened the gate, enough to go past. He got back up to his seat, and we drove on. We went up a winding driveway, still inclining. Then the ground leveled out and I could see the house.

It was a two-story stone house, with ivy growing on it’s side. There were several trees beside it also, and a particularly large tree had a make-shift swing hanging from it’s branches. In the distance the forest bordered the house. The carriages stopped on the gravel driveway with a crunch and everyone got out.

I walked around the lawn after telling my parents that I was going to take a look around, then I went toward the backyard and discovered that there was a large garden with old, chipping statues and a long-since broken fountain. I sat on a cracked and weathered bench and studied my surroundings.

The forest was dark and uninviting, I wouldn’t want to go in there by myself. I looked up at the house and was surprised that we could actually afford this new place. We now owned a private lot, a mansion, and I’d bet you that part of the forest was ours. Where was all of this money coming from?

A cold gust of wind blew past me and I left the garden to go into the house and stay warm. The front door opened easily as I went inside. I wanted to explore this new place and so I started wandering around.

To the right of when I opened the door there was a staircase against the wall. To the left there was a door which led to the master bedroom. In the back of the house there was a kitchen. To the left of the kitchen, and behind the master bedroom, there was a dining room. And to the right of the kitchen and behind the staircase there was a living room. Next to where the stairs were, there was a door leading downstairs into a cellar.


All of these areas were very spacious, something that I was not used to. After looking around the downstairs, I went to explore the upstairs. The first door to the left was a bedroom, the first to the right was a bathroom. The second door to the left was a bedroom, and the second door to the right was another bedroom. The only bedroom that didn’t seem to be claimed by anyone was the second door to the right, it would be mine then.

The bedroom was an off-white color, and the paint was old and peeling. The wooden floors were weak with age and creaked under my step. I breathed in serenely, IT this IT felt like home - even if it wasn’t. I noticed that in the back of my room there were heavy tan curtains, I pulled the curtains back and was delighted at my discovery. Two large glass doors with intricate black, metal designs on them led to a balcony over-looking the back yard. I opened up the doors and stepped out onto the balcony, it was a beautiful view of the garden and the forest behind our house.

“Nice view isn’t it?” Someone said from behind me.

I jumped from the sudden break of silence. “Uh… yeah.” I said trying to gather myself. I turned around to see my Aunt Matilda standing in the doorway.

“Your Uncle Flynn and I had looked at the house before you came.” Aunt Matilda said, smiling. “And when I saw this balcony I just fell completely in love with the house and wanted it for myself!”

I smiled. “It’s very beautiful.”

She walked toward me, then she hesitated, her tone of voice became serious. “I know that all of this moving must be hard on you, but I also know that you’ll love Riveroaks and you’ll never want to leave.” Her hand rested on my shoulder, companionably. “Just give everything a chance.” After she said that, she pat me on the back twice and walked out of the room without another word. I thought about what she had said and smiled a little. I would try to grow accustomed to this new town and new home.

I went back outside to get my luggage from the carriages, but they were gone! I started to panic and fretfully looked for my mother or father. I found them both in the living room with my relatives and I asked to the audience if anyone knew where my luggage was. My father pointed at the cases and relief washed over me. If they had been in the carriage still, I would have been in a world of trouble - they held my only possessions. I grabbed them and lugged them upstairs to my room. I was surprised that the house wasn’t vacant - we had to leave all of the possessions that were either too big or that we did not need back at home. And these rooms held furniture - not ours, but still furniture. I wondered who these things belonged to, and if they had to leave everything at home like we did.

I unpacked what little I had; clothing, toiletries, and a few momentos. Before, it was hard to give up what I owned. Even though I hadn’t had much, it was still difficult to leave it all behind. Tears came to my eyes as I remembered Brefant, but I held them back and curled up in the bed that was supplied. I sniffed and closed my eyes, instantly falling asleep.

I dreamed of Brefant. I knew that I probably would, but I had hoped that it wouldn’t be a nightmare. It was not only a nightmare, but a memory of what had happened:


The whole family was sitting in the living room, entertaining themselves, when it happened. The door slammed open and three large soldiers came in. It felt like as soon as they came in all of the light and happiness had disappeared, replaced with cold and darkness. Ella started crying at the sight of them and my father became stern and serious. He asked them what they wanted and one of the soldiers held out a scroll. He spoke the words without any compassion. “The almighty Emperor has decreed that all citizens in this area are required to pay thirty more gold coins on their taxes. If you are unable to come up with the money, you will have three days from now to leave your home. If you refuse to leave, you will be arrested and executed.” He threw the scroll at my father and they left.


I woke up gasping. It was the worst memory of my life, and I was forced to see it again. After having the dream, I’d forgotten everything that my mother and Aunt Matilda had said about trying to get used to Riveroaks and I cried violently, tears gushed from my eyes and I was unable to stop. How could they do this to us? I thought again. The Emperor had no compassion and neither did The Empire. Thirty gold coins was a fortune, our taxes were only seven gold coins and it was hard enough to come up with that.

We left to Riveroaks because it wasn’t being taxed as much as Brefant. Brefant was a wonderful place to live, ideal. My father had even said that it was much better than his hometown - Riveroaks. And from what I could tell, it was, it was prettier and brighter than this ugly sinister-seeming place. If only we could go back.


My sister, Ella, came into my room. “Kirsty? Are you okay?” She asked, sweetly, as she held the door handle. “I heard you cwying.” I wiped my tears away and patted my bed for her to sit next to me. She ran up to me and jumped onto the bed.

“I’m all right, Ella.” I replied. “Just a little upset.”

“I been upset too, once.” Ella said. “One time I had a pet fwog ‘n he was all swimy, so when I picked him up - he swipped out of m’hands and onto da gwass. I wooked aw ova fo him, but he was gone!”

I tried to hide my smile at her silly story and asked about it. “When did you have a frog Ella?”

“Back at home. I found him.” She replied.

“Ah, well that’s too bad. Hopefully we can find a frog around here.” I said.

“No, I’ll find one when we get back home. There’s lots ah fwoggies there!” She said, excited.

I tried to hold my tears from coming back and denied to her the fact that we weren’t going back home. I didn’t want to upset her. Although she would find out sooner or later, it would be better if her mother told her than her sister. “Uh huh.” I said, practically choking on my tears.

“When we get back home, I’m gonna find a bunny too! There’s lots ah bunnies there!” Ella exclaimed.

I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer and I burst into a fit of crying.

“Kirsty, what’s da matta?” Ella asked.

“Nothing, nothing, you should go back to bed Ella, it’s late.” I said.

Ella watched me crying, both confused and sympathetic. “But I don’t wanna!”

“Please.” I begged.

“Fine.” She said curtly, as she left the room.

As soon as she left, I started bawling. Then my brother shouted through his room “KEEP IT DOWN, WILL YA! SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!”

Then, from my brother’s shouting, my dad joined in. “WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?”

I cried even harder from the raucous I’d caused that had woken everyone up. My mother came in the room and sat beside me. She pat my back as I cried, soothing me. “Sweetheart,” she said softly, “what’s the matter?” Even though she knew very well what the problem was.

“I want to go home!” I said between tears and sniffles.

“Kirsten, this is our home now.” My mother said. “I know that you liked Brefant, but you’ll have to learn to like Riveroaks.” She sighed heavily, then became stern. “Honey, it’s getting ridiculous. You’re fourteen! At this age you should be able to go through change much easier! Just try it out, okay. It might not be so bad.”

“But mom, Bref-”

“No, don’t say the name. Don’t even think about that place anymore. This is your new home. It’ll be easier if you completely forget about the other place.” My mom said, then she suddenly turned angry. “Kirsten, what’s wrong with you? You’ve never been this difficult with change. You’d actually gone with the flow very well before. Why not now?”

“I- I don’t know.” I said, frustrated with my behavior. “I don’t know.”

My mom looked at me sympathetically. “Just get some sleep, sweetie. It’s late and the rest will do you good.” She pat me on the back and left the room without another word.

I lay down and tried my best to sleep, it was hard but I eventually found myself nodding off into a dreamless sleep.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hope that you' liked it! Also, I'm wondering if you were able to understand the conversation between Ella and Kirsten clearly. It's a little weird, I know - but she's really young.
It is better to travel well than to arrive.
-Buddha
  





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Tue Jul 01, 2008 8:41 pm
Sela Locke says...



Alright. Let us plunge into the numerous nitpicks, shall we?

Uncle Flynn patted me on the back,


with ivy growing on its side.


I cut out the apostrophe. Not 'it is', just 'its'. Possessive! xD

I turned around to see [s]my[/s] Aunt Matilda standing in the doorway.


[s]After she said that, [/s]She patted me on the back twice and walked out of the room without another word


“I heard you cwying.


Okay, here's a quick tip. If you are going to use baby-talk with Ella, you need to be consistent. And from what I've read, you aren't. If she can't say her 'r's, then she can't say her 'r's. This right here is a perfect example. How come she says 'heard', but then 'cwying'? Stay consistent!

“I been upset too, once.” Ella said. “One time I had a pet fwog ‘n he was all swimy, so when I picked him up - he swipped out of m’hands and onto da gwass. I wooked aw ova fo him, but he was gone!”


This is completely random - but I'm guessing you do not have any younger siblings. Because if you did, you'd know that actual toddlers talk nothing like this. Just getting rid of some 'l's and 'r's isn't going to make a good baby 'accent' or affect. You need to decide which letters she can't say, and you need to 'hear' her voice. Otherwise it just sounds ridiculously stereo-typical. The cute little baby sister. Dx
For example, sometimes she speaks in a perfectly intelligible way, and then sometimes she doesn't. Again: be consistent!


“When did you have a frog, Ella?”


I tried to hold my tears from coming back and denied to her the fact that we weren’t going back home.


Pretty darn confusin' sentence. Hold her tears from coming back? 0_0;
Try, 'I struggled to keep my tears from escaping, determined not to dash Ella's hopes of returning to Brefant.' or something of that sort. ;)

I cried even harder from the [s]raucous[/s] ruckus I’d caused that had woken everyone up.



My mother came in the room and sat beside me. She patted my back as I cried, soothing me. “Sweetheart,” she said softly, “what’s the matter?” Even though she knew very well what the problem was.

“I want to go home!” I said between tears and sniffles.

“Kirsten, this is our home now.” My mother said. “I know that you liked Brefant, but you’ll have to learn to like Riveroaks.” She sighed heavily, then became stern. “Honey, it’s getting ridiculous. You’re fourteen! At this age you should be able to go through change much easier! Just try it out, okay. It might not be so bad.”

“But mom, Bref-”

“No, don’t say the name. Don’t even think about that place anymore. This is your new home. It’ll be easier if you completely forget about the other place.” My mom said, then she suddenly turned angry. “Kirsten, what’s wrong with you? You’ve never been this difficult with change. You’d actually gone with the flow very well before. Why not now?”

“I- I don’t know.” I said, frustrated with my behavior. “I don’t know.”

My mom looked at me sympathetically. “Just get some sleep, sweetie. It’s late and the rest will do you good.” She patted me on the back and left the room without another word.

I lay down and tried my best to sleep, it was hard but I eventually found myself nodding off into a dreamless sleep.


Unless her Mom is bi-polar, I suggest you dispense with the mood-swings, and also the cliche 'It's alright, sweetheart.' Mother. All your characters could use a little cliche-juice squeeze, especially Ella. You need to make them your peeps, not some you've seen on TV or read in books. It seems something of a problem in all your stories.

Now don't give up, keep writing! You'll get better. =D

- SELA
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest
  








"You may deem me romantic, my dear sister, but I bitterly feel the want of a friend."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein