Young Writers Society

So, I've been messing around with the idea for a long time - and now I've decided on how I want the plot.

If you've read my other works, they are the plots before I finally decided on this plot, and you may recognize some parts of my chapters because I merged the plots all together.

Thank you to everyone who critiques this!


Spelton Academy

By: Onceuponatim3xo


CHAPTER 1


The old photo showed a child cradled in his mother’s arms. The mother smiled widely as the baby slept. The next showed another infant in her father’s arms and a toddler clutching his mother’s pantleg. They seemed to be traveling somewhere.

I lingered by the pictures on the mantle, hoping to forget our situation by seeing the past. Although it only brought tears to my eyes. How could we leave after everyone was finally happy here in Brefant? How could they do this to us? I thought.

“Kirsten, we have to go!” My father called. I sighed heavily and picked up my luggage. Everyone was outside of the house, waiting for me. My older brother glared at me for taking too long, and my mother and father seemed irritated.

We quietly piled into the horse-drawn carriage and left the house for the last time. My eyes welled up once more, knowing that we would never see our old house again. How could they do this? I repeated in my head. Why?


The carriage was quiet apart from my little sister, Ella, whining to my mother for attention. The ride seemed like it had taken hours until we finally had arrived at the train station.

The station was bustling and I was shoved this way and that by the impatient crowd. My family and I stopped at the head of the train, for it was the only place that we could stop. There, we waited. Waited for this nightmare to happen.

The smoke billowed around me as they shoveled more coal, and the shrieking whistle pained my ears. I stood indifferent to these annoyances, deep in thought of my new home. Ella tugged at my mother’s sleeve shouting “mommy, mommy! Is that a train? Where are we going?” But our mother only ignored her, and stared, as I did, into the future.

Brefant had been our whole life, and to see it get ripped away from us like this… it was unbearable. My father was confident that we would like Riveroaks, the place we were moving to. His family lived there and he would be happy for the reunion. I’ve only been to Riveroaks once, but it was a very dull place from my remembering.

I heaved a sigh as the train whistled one last time, and the conductor shouted “all aboard?” We quickly boarded the train and looked for our seats. The first cabin was first class and I couldn’t help but make a face. Look at them, these wealthy people. They don’t have to leave! How unfair. That day was the day that I realized how unfair life really was. It was also one of the first days that I grew bitter toward The Empire.

After going through many cabins we finally found our seats. I plopped down in a chair and immediately stared out the window. I could not force myself to look at either my family or the interior of the train.

My family put away their luggage and found their own seats. My mother sat next to me and asked for my attention. I hesitantly turned my head from the window and looked at her. Her eyes were concerned and upset, her usual smile was turned to a frown. “Kirsten, I understand that you don’t want to leave, but you would make it so much easier on the family if you would try to be happy. Your depression is bringing us all down, sweetheart. It’s hard to see you like this.” She said, sympathetically. “You’ll like Riveroaks, I know that you will. You’ll just have to give it a try, okay?”

I nodded my head slowly and forced a smile. “I’ll try to be happier mom.”

“Thank you, sweetie.” My mom said as he hugged me. “It’s cruel that The Empire has taxed us to the extremes, forcing us to move - but we should look at this as an adventure, expanding our horizons.”

I nodded again, suddenly agreeing with her. I’d lived my whole life in Brefant and I realized that change would actually be very good for me. I hated The Empire for their horrible and selfish laws, but I would try to get past that and live happily in Riveroaks.


I tried my best to make conversation with my family, but soon gave up. I stared out the window again, this time a little happier.

We passed much farmland during the trip, and it became boring to look outside, I soon found myself nodding off to sleep. After what seemed like seconds, I was woken by my mother. The train had stopped, but the passengers seemed irritated instead of happy that the trip was over. “We’ve stopped at a detour, we’re not there yet.” My mother informed me.

Five burly soldiers, with The Empire’s insignia on their uniforms came into our cabin. “We are searching for a stow-away.” The leader announced. The boy ahead of me suddenly turned his head to face the window. His dark, curly locks of hair covered his face. The soldiers came toward this boy and roughly took him from his seat. He seemed to be about my age, and as he shook his hair away, I could see his stony face, fear and anger in his eyes. I stared at him, wanting to help him, to save him from the trouble he would be in, and as I stared, our eyes locked. He looked at me helplessly and was shoved away by the soldiers, without saying a word.

Everyone murmured words of confusion, and I looked at the door the soldiers and stow-away had exited through in shock. A few minutes later the train started back up again, as if nothing had just happened, and conversation grew. I felt as if I was the only one still thinking about the detour.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope you liked it!

Hey there, Time (If I may call you that)!

I enjoyed this little piece of yours, but you understand that even great work can be improved. So, here we go:

The old photo showed a child cradled in his mother’s arms. The mother smiled widely as the baby slept. The next showed another infant in her father’s arms and a toddler clutching his mother’s pantleg. They seemed to be traveling somewhere.

I lingered by the pictures on the mantle, hoping to forget our situation by seeing the past. Although, it only brought tears to my eyes. How could we leave after everyone was finally happy here in Brefant? How could they do this to us? I thought.

“Kirsten, we have to go!” My father called. I sighed heavily and picked up my luggage. Everyone was outside of the house, waiting for me. My older brother glared at me for taking too long, and my mother and father seemed irritated.

We quietly piled into the horse-drawn carriage and left the house for the last time. My eyes welled up once more, knowing that we would never see our old house again. How could they do this? I repeated in my head. Why?


The carriage was quiet, apart from my little sister, Ella, whining to my mother for attention. The ride seemed like it had taken hours [s]until[/s] before we finally had arrived at the train station.

The station was bustling and I was shoved this way and that by the impatient crowd. My family and I stopped at the head of the train, for it was the only place that we could stop. There, we waited. Waited for this nightmare to [s]happen[/s] begin.

The smoke billowed around me as they shoveled more coal, and the shrieking whistle pained my ears. I stood indifferent to these annoyances, deep in thought of my new home. Ella tugged at my mother’s sleeve shouting “Mommy, Mommy! Is that a train? Where are we going?” But [s]our[/s] Mother only ignored her, and stared, as I did, into the future.

Brefant had been our whole life, and to see it get ripped away from us like this… it was unbearable. My father was confident that we would like Riveroaks, the place we were moving to. His family lived there and he would be happy for the reunion. I’ve only been to Riveroaks once, but it was a very dull place from my remembering.

I heaved a sigh as the train whistled one last time, and the conductor shouted “All aboard?” We quickly boarded the train and looked for our seats. The first cabin was first class and I couldn’t help but make a face. Look at them, these wealthy people. They don’t have to leave! How unfair. That day was the day that I realized how unfair life really was. It was also one of the first days that I grew bitter toward The Empire. For the words I've colored in blue, it is suggested that you change them to a different word. It sounds too repetitious when you have the same word so close to one another in a paragraph.

After going through many cabins, we finally found our seats. I plopped down in a chair and immediately stared out the window. I could not [s]force myself[/s] bare (or is it 'bear'?) to look at either my family or the interior of the train.

My family put away their luggage and found their own seats. My mother sat next to me and asked for my attention. I hesitantly turned my head from the window and looked at her. Her eyes were concerned and upset, her usual smile was turned into a frown. “Kirsten, I understand that you don’t want to leave, but you would make it so much easier on the family if you would try to be happy. Your depression is bringing us all down, sweetheart. It’s hard to see you like this.” She said, sympathetically. “You’ll like Riveroaks, I know that you will. You’ll just have to give it a try, okay?”

I nodded my head slowly and forced a smile. “I’ll try to be happier, Mom.”

“Thank you, sweetie.” [s]My[/s] Mom said as she hugged me. “It’s cruel that The Empire has taxed us to the extremes, forcing us to move - but we should look at this as an adventure, expanding our horizons.” <--- That line "but...horizons" is a bit cliche. I recommend either re-wording it or just removing it completely.

I nodded again, suddenly agreeing with her. I’d lived my whole life in Brefant and I realized that change would actually be very good for me. I hated The Empire for their horrible and selfish laws, but I would try to get past that and live happily in Riveroaks.


I tried my best to make conversation with my family, but soon gave up. I stared out the window again, this time a little happier.

We passed [s]much[/s] a lot of farmland during the trip, [s]and[/s] but it eventually became boring to look outside, so I soon found myself nodding off to sleep. After what seemed like seconds, I was awoken by my mother. The train had stopped, but the passengers seemed irritated instead of happy that the trip was over. “We’ve stopped at a detour, we’re not there yet.” My mother informed me.

Five burly soldiers, with The Empire’s insignia on their uniforms came into our cabin. “We are searching for a stow-away.” The leader announced. The boy ahead of me suddenly turned his head to face the window. His dark, curly locks of hair covered his face. The soldiers came toward this boy and roughly took him from his seat. He seemed to be about my age, and as he shook his hair away, I could see his stony face, fear and anger in his eyes. I stared at him, wanting to help him, to save him from the trouble he would be in, and as I stared, our eyes locked. He looked at me helplessly and was shoved away by the soldiers, without saying a word.

Everyone murmured words of confusion, and I looked at the door the soldiers and stow-away had exited through in shock. A few minutes later the train started back up again, as if nothing had just happened, and conversation grew. I felt as if I was the only one still thinking about the detour.

Alrighty. I hope that helped. Now, I will tell you that there were two main things in this story that took away from this: 1. It's rushed 2. Word choice in some spots.

Rushing- You don't do this too bad, but it's rushed enough to bore the reader a bit. Yes, you use nice description to move us from scene-to-scene, but it would have been nice if you had gone further into detail with one of them. For example: The section that goes from the family waiting for the train to come straight to the section where they are boarding and looking for their seats. Show the reader how they, more so the main character, felt as they waited. Describe what's going on around them and what it smells like or even give us snippets of Kirsten hearing some of someone's conversation. Anything that will provide timing! Also, there was the part where you switched Kirsten's attitude from dreading to leave her home to her being happy to go; that seems a bit unrealistic. I think that anyone, no matter what age, if they are truly upset about leaving someone/something/somewhere they love, they won't just be all for it when someone gives them a few sympathetic words. Try to show that Kirsten may have been still a little uneasy about the situation and then have her feel like it would be a good idea to leave. Does that make sense?

Word Choice- There's not much to say here other than you use "my" and "our" too much when you refer to Kirsten's family. You can just call her Mom or Mother at some points rather than just calling her "the mother" so often. Other than that, you're pretty good to go.

Overall- This was a nice little read with an interesting backround (spelling?). The whole stow-away situation was kind of a shocker for me, but it was a nice touch. Just work on the two things I mentioned above and I think that this could turn out into something great.

Good job with this and keep going.

Love,
*~Sydney*~

I few grammer erro's but Silly Systick mentioned them all......
man i need to be quicker with my reviews
well iot was very good
keep it up!!!

I'm just going to jump right in. Hope you don't mind ^.^

This piece starts out quite well. It was nice and smooth, then got a little confusing as to what the time period was. There are photos, a horse and carriage, and then the dialogue. I haven't any problem with the first two, but the dialogue is so very bland. Your characters come to life with the descriptions you give, and the way you have them talk. You tell a bit of what she doing while she talks, but I strongly, strongly suggest that you add a personality to the way they are talking. Try to find variations in the way one talks. Kirsten doesn't talk much, but the mother says a few lines, and you can't tell much of her character through the way she is talking. This can significantly ruin a good plot line.

Other than that, I suggest adding more details. Remember, details are your best friend ^.^. You do describe your settings, but why not take the chance to further describe why she's sad. Go into specifics, maybe even take us to a memory of Kirsten's past.

I can't say I particularly liked or disliked this piece. The beginning was smooth and interesting, but then it slowly began delcining. Don't worry about it too much. I'm sure it'll pick up a bit in the second chapter. Just be sure to not let it drag or become dull.

--meow

Thank you sooo much for the help! I'll have to change those things.

Try to show that Kirsten may have been still a little uneasy about the situation and then have her feel like it would be a good idea to leave. Does that make sense?

Yeah it makes sense, I was trying to say that in the writing but I didnt really explain it.


Thanks again for the help! I'll post chapter two if you'd like to read it.

-Onceuponatim3xo

I cannot figure out what time period this is in. But I did like it very much! I'm sorry that I'm not a very good critique. There was a couple of mistakes in grammer, but that's all I have to say!

Hey there Onceuponatim3xo,

The old photo showed a child cradled in his mother’s arms. The mother smiled widely as the baby slept. The next showed another infant in her father’s arms and a toddler clutching his mother’s pantleg. They seemed to be traveling somewhere.

This bit isn't very well linked with the rest of the piece. You were more focused on their movement to the train station and what was happening there and the train ride rather than the family's ordeal. A photo holds family and the memories and sentimental values right? However, you failed to elaborate on what your descriptions of the photo actually bear, and as a result, you didn't capture the emotion as successfully as you should.

How could we leave after everyone was finally happy here in Brefant? How could they do this to us? I thought.

This is more like telling to us her thoughts. I think you can somehow integrate this with the description of the photo, completing the emotion it portrays.

The ride seemed like it had taken hours until we finally had arrived at the train station.

I think you can show as to what made the main character think that the train ride was long.

There, we waited. Waited for this nightmare to happen.

The second sentence is grammatically incorrect. May I suggest the following?

There, we stood, waiting for this nightmare to happen.

But our mother only ignored her, and stared, as I did, into the future.

You might want to be more specific. What were they staring at to make them believe that they were gazing at the future? Was it at the railroad tracks?

After going through many cabins we finally found our seats.

There is supposed to be a comma in front of the word "cabins".

“Kirsten, I understand that you don’t want to leave, but you would make it so much easier on the family if you would try to be happy. Your depression is bringing us all down, sweetheart. It’s hard to see you like this.” She said, sympathetically.

There should be a comma instead of a fullstop in front of "this". "She" should be lower case and there shouldn't be a full stop in front of "said".

“It’s cruel that The Empire has taxed us to the extremes, forcing us to move - but we should look at this as an adventure, expanding our horizons.”

This dialogue isn't very effective. It's like you are using your characters to tell us what is wrong with the empire and it does little to reflect them as a character.

Five burly soldiers, with The Empire’s insignia on their uniforms came into our cabin.

No comma in front of the word "soldiers".

“We are searching for a stow-away.” The leader announced.

He seems pretty nice for a commander of the Empire, given the dialogue he has.

He looked at me helplessly and was shoved away by the soldiers, without saying a word.

No comma in front of soldiers. Omit "saying".

Overall impressions:

This was ok in my opinion. You tend to tell more than show. Now I know this is first person, but that doesn't mean you should be telling us everything. Use more imagery and descriptions. Show us what the chaos was like at the train station, what was happening inside the train etc etc. Don't just tell us. Use the five senses to your advantage and create a mood.

In some places, you might want to elaborate on certain ideas or themes so that they fit better with the plot and the story.

I didn't like the main character. I think it's because you've associated the character with a few cliches, making her feel dull and not that interesting. You didn't really show her emotional attachment with Brefant. I think that was the main theme of this piece. After all, she was upset partially because she has to leave Brefant. I want to know exactly as to how her life had been ripped apart. How does it affect her emotionally? How did it affect her family? Their relationships? None of that was shown.

Also, I disliked the lack of explanation as to why the wealthy people do not have to leave. Why exactly? What are the reasons behind it?

Lastly, dialogue. Some of the dialogue was rather forced and felt unnatural. It's like you are forcing the characters to be your story tellers instead of using dialogue to define them as characters.

That's all I have to say. I hope my critique helped ^^

Andy.

Hey, well I will say that the title grabbed my attention. So that's a plus. I wanted to point out something, and this is not to contradict what another person said; I just noticed it as I was reading.

There is supposed to be a comma in front of the word "cabins".

I think they mean after the word cabins, in which case they'd be correct.

Also, I disliked the lack of explanation as to why the wealthy people do not have to leave. Why exactly? What are the reasons behind it?

I think that was explained when they were saying that they had to leave because of high taxes, wasn't it? I think we were just supposed to figure that out.

Otherwise, I think everybody has been right in what they have told you. At times I felt like the story didn't flow very well. As one person said, we were taken straight from one thing to the next constantly. Mostly everybody has said what I would say, and that would be to take more time at each place and use more description. Not so much that it's just a bunch of fact telling that swamps the reader, but so that it gives us a little better image of where they are, etc.

I thought you had a good start on this. I would like to see the second chapter whenever you get a chance to post it!

Khfan890, yes, they left because of high tax rates. However, in what specific way did the cause of high tax rates had influenced the view of the main character to the wealthy people? Was it jealousy, or something more personal? I believe that by elaborating her reasons as to why this is so, it will develop her further as a main character, for this point seems quite important.

Also, I apologize for my wording for the comma issue. I had assumed that placing the comma in front of a word would mean the same as placing it after my word. Again, my apologize there.

Andy.

No, Squallz, you don't have to apologize. I understand what you are saying about the tax issue again. I didn't mean to sound like I was trying to contradict you, because I agree with you. Anyways, I'm not going to turn this thing into a chat forum. But it's all good now.

You mention the mother's pantleg in the picture, then you talk about the horse and carriage. I echo everyone else in that I have no idea what time period this is, and if it is an earlier 19th century type thing, women didn't wear pants then.

Doggone, everyone got to this before I did. I won't bother repeating what they have all said.

Anyway, praise is always good, no?

This was a nice piece of work. I liked your language and the way the words flowed. Your dialogue felt a little flat and info-dumpish, but you were good at avoiding the info-dumps in the prose.

Great job and good luck,

~GryphonFledgling

I really liked this. I'm not really sure where its going but I quite like that fact.
Be careful not to rush into things and try to us a littlemore description other than just how you character feels. The surrounding? The noise? The sights? The smells? Think senses.

Keep it up =D

Louisa x

Thank you sooooo extremely much for the help! (:

I realize that I've probably been the same way with my other works too, I'll have to try and stop myself from repeating my problems.

If you could, I was wondering if anyone would be able to give me an example as to show better dialogue, because I'm a little bit confused on what my problem is with that.

I'm also confused on what you mean by info-dumping, do you want me to go slower or just show more than tell - or both?

Sorry for all of the questions, I just really hope to change my writing for the better and that will only be possible if I know exactly what you all mean.

Also, if you want to read it, I've posted Chapter 2 and you can find it in my portfolio.


Thanks again for all of the help!
-Onceuponatim3xo

Hey! Thanks for posting on 'Need a Crit?'

This was good, I'll admit. I do want to continue reading further, but for now I feel that there is one thing you need to do.

Rushing: The others have said this, and I will say it again. Slow down!

The carriage was quiet apart from my little sister, Ella, whining to my mother for attention. The ride seemed like it had taken hours until we finally had arrived at the train station.

You know, everyone seems really confused on what time period this story is taking place, and this would be an excellent place for you to describe where they are. I mean, this is fantasy, right? So, if they are not on earth, then describe the scenery as it flashes by them. Describe the little old man riding in the coach, shivering under his deep black overcoat.

Little things like that, you know?

After going through many cabins we finally found our seats. I plopped down in a chair and immediately stared out the window. I could not force myself to look at either my family or the interior of the train.

The boy ahead of me suddenly turned his head to face the window. His dark, curly locks of hair covered his face. The soldiers came toward this boy and roughly took him from his seat. He seemed to be about my age, and as he shook his hair away, I could see his stony face, fear and anger in his eyes.

You never mentioned in the first paragraph that there is a kid in the same compartment as them. You might want to include that, beacuse that was really distracting.

Overall

Really good. You had some grammar mistakes, but I won't point those out. I think that if you work on the things that I mentioned, this would be great.

BBB

This was pretty good but the same as everyone I've not one clue what period this is. You've alot of contridiction. If 17th Century, 18th or 19th. Elaborate. Even though it's fantasy things still need to make sense. The major problem is character development. I've a suggestion for when the time stopped have someone argueing with conductor something selfish or something. Everyone seems totally impassable about it. Even if it's normal people would ruddy well complain if not more. Make threats of travelling others way etc.

Now dialogue is an exellent way to show characters and what they're like, sadly this doesn't you made a big deal of 'The Empire' but the affect of this is anti cliamatic: "“We are searching for a stow-away.” The leader announced."

You wanted help on this let me show ya.

Everyone shut up, and mind your own business. The Empire shall handle this. This is just a scheduled search."

This is only a suggestion and I'd advise ya to use enough, for research watch police or army movies. So ya can get this little scene done more exellently.

Good luck
VSN