Young Writers Society

This was very poetic and you capture the feel of a storm very well.

Lightning cleaves the sky in two -
And suddenly the world is a violent chaos of lashing branches and then -
Silence.

This is your weakest part. It's not very attention grabbing and to be honest I think you could cut this out completely. Instead, perhaps, just try 'Silence' on it's own.

Even the smells storm.

I see what you mean here, but it's just an odd sentence. Try re-phrasing?

bleeding tree-blood onto the peaty earth.

This sentence and the one before it are beautiful. However, scrap 'tree-blood'. It's not needed, the sentences are great without it and the imagery is still there.

As for your worry over the flow between the paragraphs, I didn't even notice a problem. The piece was so good that you don't notice a transition.

Keep it up,
Alainna
xx

Thanks Alainna!
Yeah, I think I'll scrap that first paragraph, or at least re-write it. And I'll fix those phrases too. ^_^
Cheers,
Camille

Man, Camille! I'm so proud to have inspired this!

The flow is beautiful... for any other piece I might have said you should make it a bit smoother, but I think the unevenness of it reflects the storm perfectly (see Nate's comment on mine)... Yeah--beautiful.

Onto the brutally nit-picky line-by-line *rubs hands together energetically, grinning maniacally*:

Ayra wrote:All of a sudden, several things happen at once; thunder bursts over the sky with a welter of sound, light flares, and the heavens throw down spears of rain.

Two things. 1) I think this sentence should be combined with the previous one. 2) 'All of a sudden' ruins the effect of the rest of your gorgeous writing. I think it would be better if you deleted it.

Ayra wrote:The air is thick with leaves, torn from their branches in the fury of the storm.

'Of the storm' isn't needed. You can actually just end with 'fury' and I think it will be better.

Ayra wrote:More lightning stabs towards the earth in an erratic spider-web of blue-white cracks.

I think you should just say 'web' rather than 'spider-web.'

Ayra wrote:It even smells storm. Breathe deeply, and there is a heady cocktail of scents; the bitter tang of smoke, the cold rain-smell, the biting fury of the wind: brisk and metal-clean.

This feels a little... odd. It's kind of telly father than showy. It seems to me like it was added afterwards when you realized that you should incorporate smell. The first sentence kind of made me grimace, it's so telly. Try to incorporate the sense of smell into the rest of the piece as well.

Ayra wrote:Streams are swollen to the brim.

You should elaborate, I think-- it's just a little... abrupt? Yeah, abrupt is the word.

Ayra wrote:The biggest crack of thunder yet shakes the roots of the earth, sending jarring shock-waves through the field. Lightning shatters the sky into a myriad of grey-black fragments, fused together by white-hot lines.

First sentence: I don't like 'the biggest crack of thunder yet' I'm not sure how you should fix it, but you definitely should.
Second sentence: Just beautiful... the word choice is exquisite and amazingly effective... HOWEVER! 'grey' should be 'gray'

Ayra wrote:Rain ceases to fall; trees sway to a halt; wind subsides to a soundless whisper.

I think it would be far more elegant if you just said 'Rain ceases.'

Ayra wrote:The boughs of shattered trees drip with rain; bleeding onto the peaty earth.

I'm not 100% sure, but I think you said 'peat' before...

Ayra wrote:And it is strange; while the woods are a wreckage, not a single stalk of wheat has been snapped.

'And it is strange' needs to go.

Ayra wrote:Or perhaps the wheat, fragile as it is, is unarmed because it bent under the bent instead of fighting it...

'bent under the bent'? I think there's a mistake there.

Ayra wrote:And from somewhere within the wounded forest, one brave bird begins to sing.

This is COMPLETELY a matter of opinion, but I think it sounds better as 'a brave bird...' read it out loud and see what you think.
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VERY nice, my friend! It makes me want to go and rewrite mine.

Hope this helps!
~Azila~

Thank-you so much!

I'll definitely fix those things - I've decided to edit this piece to perfection. Or as close as I can get to perfection, anyways.

Now I'm going to go finish reviewing your Zephyros pieces! *evil laughter*

- Camille

omg u r lyk not a vry gud writer.

why arent u replying? u should when some1 comments on ur writing!!!

Ummm...
Well, I can see that you are new to YWS. And I hate to break it to you, but 'omg ur lyk not a vry good writer' is far from a helpful review.

You could at the very least tell me why you didn't like it - and I didn't reply before now because I was eating dinner. If my username doesn't show up on the 'online' list, it means I'm not online. ^_~

Ok then I didnt lyk it bcause it didnt make sense: Ashen clouds hang pregnant with rain. How can clouds be pregnant?!! It just doesnt make sense!

You're 17 and you don't understand the concept of a figure of speech (metaphors, personification, simileis, etc)? How did you pass your English tests?

Thanks for sticking up for me, Sureal.
And 4uiwouldie, 'ashen clouds hang pregnant with rain' is a metaphor/figure of speech.

This is a great start! However, I feel that there are some things which, if corrected, would help enormously.

Firstly, try to cut out all your adjectives. Only use the occasional one where you feel placing it there would really liven up the piece. For instance, in "a heady cocktail of scents" and "ancient wood groans and splits," the adjectives don't add anything to the atmosphere and the context of the story.

You could also do away with the passive construction. Active verbs show; passive verbs tell. Authors should show as much of a story as possible instead of telling it. Take the sentence "the forest is being pillaged by the elements." Now turn it around: "meanwhile, the elements continue to pillage the forest." See how that's so much more direct?

It's a very poetic piece that just needs some polishing and refinement. Good work!

omg u r lyk not a vry gud writer.

XD Priceless.

Anywho, *sorry if I repeat anything that the other's have said. I haven't read theirs because I have to go soon*

All of a sudden, several things happen at once;

All of a sudden? Ugh! Get rid of that and insert "Suddenly," and I also think that once; should be 'once:" because it is a list next. Get me?

flares, [delete comma] and the heavens throw down spears of rain.

The air is thick with leaves, torn from their branches in the fury.

I think that 'thick' should be 'thickened'. It sounds cooler.

It even smells storm.

Not sure what you are talking about. If 'It' is indeed something, this would work, but I'm not so sure. So I would change it to "It even smells like a storm."

The storm is over.

I would cut this line out. Obviously, we know that the storm is over.

Awesome. I loved the last sentence.

This was really good. You've really captured the essance of a storm. I felt like I was there. I could feel the rain!

Yay! That was really good! I look forward to reading more of your stuff! Keep posting on "need a Crit?"

BBB

Thanks, BBB!

I'll go fix those things right away!

... and posting more on 'Need a crit?' won't be any trouble! xD

Cheers,
Camille