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Blue Crystal - 1:1



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Wed Dec 19, 2007 4:58 am
ElizaW says...



Blue Crystal
Chapter One: Vastii in Black (part i)

The scene was illuminated by Rylan’s glass-and-bronze lamp, which shed a steady orange glow interrupted only by the framing of the glass panes. Small orange circles from the lamp’s ventilation drifted over the ceiling and Rylan’s gloved hand as he held the light aloft in the small cave-dwelling. The dead man laid face down in a pool of his own partially frozen blood.

This was the first thing he had noticed when he entered the dwelling. The body wasn’t wearing a fur coat or trousers of any kind. There was an inner jacket and a knit sweater still on the body, and the pants had been removed after he had died, evidenced by the twisted, contortionist pose that his legs had been moved into. The right leg had a deep horizontal cut just below the knee, but no blood ran from it: just bits and pieces of frozen pink muscle tissue scraped rudely aside to make the cut. One arm was outstretched and twisted, and there was more frozen blood on the fingers of the gloves. Rylan’s medical training immediately wondered how he had died, but without seeing any wound on his back it would be impossible to tell without turning the body over and examining him. Rylan wouldn’t do that. Touching a murdered man was bad luck.

The second thing Rylan noticed in the room was the still-burning tallow candle and the living figure behind it. This man tried to crouch down into the shadows to hide from Rylan’s lamp. It was as though, Rylan thought, this fellow had decided that if he stayed very still, he might not be noticed, though the cave was so small he might have walked its length in only a few seconds. Several rolls of fur—the trousers and missing coat—had been set beside him and wrapped into small parcels with string. When the live man saw Rylan looking at him he held out the pitted iron axe that he had been using to hack the dead man’s leg off: a threat, but not one that impressed Rylan.

Rylan reached down to move aside the thick outer coat that he wore with his free hand, and altered the position of his lantern so that he could show this man clearly the hilt of one of his two steel swords. The metal was of fine craftsmanship: a graceful line ran from the pommel, which held a large bloodstone in its center, to the leather-bound grip, and the small hilt revealed that the sword was crafted in the Mordache styles. The man lowered his axe at once and moved back further against the very end wall, as if he could somehow pass through it. “I didn’t kill ‘im. I swear it!” he protested, and raised up a hand encased in a ratty leather glove, palm out. “I just found him like this, an’ I thought… you know…”

Rylan nodded, just once. He dismissed the man as unimportant, and looked back down to the dead body. “You should leave,” he answered through the thick wool of his muffler.

The scavenger blew out his candle immediately, which made no visible change to the illumination in the room, and he gathered that up with his fur parcels. Then he hesitated, axe in hand. “… What about the leg?”

“Leave it,” Rylan answered.

“But… but… see. That there’s good meat…” he hedged. “It’d only take a moment.”

“The clothing isn’t enough? Don’t be greedy. Just go. Now.”

The man lowered his head like a scolded dog, backed up a bit, and walked not to the door but around the entire cave, always facing Rylan until he came to the little tunnel out, carved as small as reason allowed. Rylan heard him struggle with the heavy manhole that covered the entranceway, and he did not put it back once he’d worked it open. A frigid draft wafted up through the opening. Rylan tried not to be annoyed at the extra chill, and instead crossed the room, giving the body a wide berth to avoid touching it. He went to the little cubby holes carved in the stone walls, things where people who lived in caves like these kept their possessions. He found tacky-string, an extra blanket that the scavenger seemed to have missed, packages of jerky. Inside an insulated icebox he found frozen meats and preserved underground vegetables, a case of cheap sap-wine, and, for some reason, a small knife that seemed to have been buried beneath a package of meat. Rylan set the cover back over the ice box and continued searching. He looked over the ventilated fire pit and among the ashes of the things burned there. He searched the little bunk where the dead man had slept, through the actual blankets. He even patted down the lumpy mattress.

Only when Rylan had finished looking in every conceivably possible hiding place within the tiny stone apartment did he turn to the dead man himself. He was still there, still held his limbs in that unnatural, twisted position. He was also still missing his trousers. Rylan just was thankful that he was laid face-down.

The question was, bad luck or not, could he afford to not search the body itself? Rylan had been hoping that it wouldn’t come to that. Now it didn’t seem that he had a choice. He decided to cheat bad luck by technicality instead, grabbed the corpse’s inner jacket by the collar, and pulled on the cloth, angling the dead man up and twisting him around. The cloth tore somewhere. Rylan felt his handholds becoming less effective, but he deposited the man on his back before the cloth was ruined, panting slightly from the effort, and looked over him, at his face, his stiff, frozen body, then his chest. The shirt had been torn open, and not by him. The jacket was undone and the sweater slashed. Black and silver chest hair had frozen in the pink ice.

The wound was made by a knife just below the sternum. He had been killed quickly, efficiently, and not by the scavenger with his dull axe. Rylan’s eyes lowered to a black, gummy mark stamped onto his skin below the wound that was partially obscured by the ice. Rylan drew his sword and scrapped the skin until he could see the mark. His mistress would want to know about this.

The symbol was of a black, sticky substance that clung to the flesh more fiercely than the ice. It depicted a pair of eyes inside a triangle, a sword imposed down the center. On the left of the triangle was a skulking heraldic dragon, long and serpent like with whip-like whiskers. On the other side were hatched lines that commonly represented stars in Vastii.

Rylan dropped his lantern. He fumbled, sheathed his sword, then realized that he couldn’t leave the lantern there and wasted a precious moment stooping to his knees and grabbing at the iron ring. He leaped for the entrance way of the abode, sliding along the thin tunnel to the open cover and shoved himself through into the long, dark, twisting tunnel. When he didn’t see anyone there, he ran and blew out his light, leaving himself to navigate the corridors blindly, holding his hand against the wall and relying on touch to keep him from injuring himself.

Had he been seen? The thought spurred his movements and didn’t let him rest. He moved deeper and deeper into the caverns, away from the Pit. It seemed likely now, in his panicked state. Perhaps he had given the scavenger too good of a look at his swords, even if the temperature out here required him to operate with his face covered. His business there would have looked suspicious. He could feel eyes on him in the darkness, though there was no light to see, perhaps someone following silently behind.

Rylan became rational further on, turned around, and went back the way he came. Running in the dark would only get him lost. Yes, it was possible that his presence in that cave had been noted. The king’s secret police may or may not have been watching. But Rylan knew a way to escape notice.

The city of Vastii was built below the ice and snow of the dark surface world, around a deep fissure in the earth that had been worked and shaped by the inhabitants until the hole was vaguely circular and lead down near the flow of an active volcano. The only part of the city that was above ground was the palace itself, and the white stone towers poked up like knives to the sky. Below that and above most of the informal entrances to the palace was a cap, a thick, man-made plug covering the Pit and blocking the inhabitant’s view of the stars. Access from the top to the bottom levels of the Pit was granted by the ridges carved around the side, spiraling down around the edges of the deep hole down to the bottom. Stairways, private tunnels moving off were also not uncommon.

Rylan was not at the bottom of the Pit, but he was close to it. He found a set of narrow, dangerous stairs and descended them, going down and down. As he went he began to meet other people walking out on the street, and as the heat of bodies grew so did the rank smell. At the very bottom of the pit, below everything else was a large open area where the common people moved around and did business. One brown fur coat looked just the same as every other, and Rylan simply waded among them. Finding someone who didn’t want to be found at the bottom was the hardest thing in the world, even for the police in their silver masks. He lingered until he was certain that he had lost any hypothetical pursuit. Then he began the long climb back up and around the city.


To Chapter One, part ii -->
Last edited by ElizaW on Mon Dec 31, 2007 4:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
The first million words you write are for practice. It doesn't count. Practice getting rejection letters. Don't worry. It doesn't count. If someone accepts your practice novel, it doesn't count either. Practice cashing that check. (-David Gerrold)
  





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Wed Dec 19, 2007 6:01 am
Reakeda says...



Rylan’s medical training immediately wondered how he had died, but without seeing any wound on his back it would be impossible to tell without turning the body over and examining him.
- This sentence is confusing at first. I had to read it a second time before I realized that the body he had been looking at was laying face down. You may want to make mention of that sooner, or change the sentence so that it makes that clearer.

and altered the position of his lantern so that he could show this man clearly the hilt of one of his two steel swords.
- Perhaps it's just me, but the wording here seems a bit awkward. Maybe try "so he could give this man a clear veiw of the hilt... " or something like that.

Rylan reached down to move aside the thick outer coat that he wore with his free hand, and altered the position of his lantern so that he could show this man clearly the hilt of one of his two steel swords. The metal was of fine craftsmanship: a graceful line ran from the pommel, which held a large bloodstone in its center, to the leather-bound grip, and the small hilt revealed that the sword was crafted in the Mordache styles.
- The description of the sword makes it seem important. What I'm wondering is why is the design of the sword and style in which it was made so important? What is it telling us about the character?

spiraling down around the edges of the deep hole down to the bottom.
Using down twice in the same sentence seems a bit too repetative to me. Perhaps omit the first one?

Wow.. I really liked this. It actually held my attention, which isn't an easy thing to do. The writting style was easy to follow. There are just a few things I hope will be answered in later chapters. I'm assuming that the mark on the body was a symbol of the Police mentioned? You may want to make that a little clear. It's kind of just snuck in there right now and left to assumption. Who is Rylan and who is his Mistress?

Excellent work. I hope this crit helps you some. Keep it up and I can't wait to see your next chapter!

~Rea
  





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Wed Dec 19, 2007 8:55 pm
Rydia says...



Hello there, Eliza! I have quite a few comments to make about this piece so let's start with something very general - imagery. You have a good use of description that provides a detailed setting, some beautiful characterization and a reasonable atmosphere. I do think it could be improved though. This is fantasy, right? But it has quite a few dark elements and if you really want to draw your readers in, a morbid, chilling first paragraph works very well. At the moment, you concentrate on the light which is good but that last sentence could have more of an impact -

The dead man laid face down in a pool of his own partially frozen blood.
[At the moment, this seems like a rather absent observation which fits the character well but if you want to shock your readers perhaps something like 'The corpse lay face down, mouth half open and pressed against the pool of frost-bitten blood.' Just a suggestion.]

Then there's your pace. You alternate between long and short sentences quite well but I'd love to see some more short, dramatic sentences towards the end to reflect the build up of tension. And also when Rylan first sees the other man, before he has decided that he is unimportant.

Then there's dialogue. Your use of phonetics was very good and you seem to be skilled at expressing your character's status and professions through their speech. I liked how Rylan talked in short, brisk sentences, almost a military fashion and the scavenger's dialect certainly suggested a much more common person. Also, an easy to follow, realistic conversation which is always the best way to start a fantasy novel. And that brings me onto the genre. Nicely done. You managed to convey quite a lot of information to the reader without over-loading them with new races, technology etc. Try to maintain that style.

Okay, I think I've covered the main points, now here's specific suggestions -

The body wasn’t wearing a fur coat or trousers of any kind. There was an inner jacket and a knit sweater still on the body, and the pants had been removed after he had died, evidenced by the twisted, contortionist pose that his legs had been moved into. [I think it's a little strange that Rylan notes the absence of a fur coat first. If it's exceedingly chilly then mention that prior to this - it's important to try to keep all five senses in mind and touch is one that you've neglected a little as is sound - and even so, maybe note the trousers first or perhaps even the clothes that are there.]

The right leg had a deep horizontal cut just below the knee, but no blood ran from it: just bits and pieces of frozen pink muscle tissue scraped rudely aside to make the cut. [I don't like the repetition of cut. Perhaps use wound the second time?]

Rylan’s medical training immediately wondered [I think 'led him to wonder' would work better than 'wondered.' how he had died, [color=red][Oooh. Perhaps you could change it to 'Rylan's medical training immediately led him to ponder the cause of death' because that sounds more official, more fitting with your character.] but without seeing any wound on his back it would be impossible to tell without turning the body over and examining him. [Repetitive and a touch confusing. Hmmm. Maybe 'but with no obvious wound to the back, that would be difficult to ascertain without a full examination.']

The second thing Rylan [s]noticed in the room[/s] [You add a few irrelevant details sometimes and it slows down the pace of your action and clogs up the sentences so try to avoid that. I mean description and such is great, especially at the opening to a scene or the introduction of a new character but during action scenes you need to try to cut back.] was the still-burning tallow candle and the living figure behind it.

The man lowered his axe [s]at once[/s] and moved back further against the very end wall, as if he could somehow pass through it. “I didn’t kill ‘im. I swear it!” he protested, and raised [s]up[/s] a hand encased in a ratty leather glove, palm out.

Rylan heard him struggle with the heavy manhole cover that [s]covered[/s] sealed the entrance[s]way[/s], and he did not put it back once he’d worked it open. [I'm not sure about the end of this sentence actually. Perhaps 'and there was no sound to indicate that it had been replaced, the lack of which was confirmed by a chill breeze.' or something would be smoother?]

Only when Rylan had finished looking in every [s]conceivably possible[/s] conceivable hiding place within the tiny stone apartment did he turn to the dead man himself.

Rylan [s]just[/s] was thankful [Maybe grateful?] that he was laid face-down.

He leaped for the entrance [s]way[/s] of the abode, sliding along the thin tunnel to the open cover and shoved himself through into the long, dark, twisting tunnel.

The city of Vastii was built below the ice and snow of the dark surface world, around a deep fissure in the earth that had been worked and shaped by the inhabitants until the hole was vaguely circular and lead [I think this should be led.] down near the flow of an active volcano.

The only part of the city that was above ground was the palace itself, and the white stone towers poked up like knives to the sky. [You use some very pretty similes but I think a metaphor would work better here. Something like '...and the white stone towers shredded the skies with their blades.' ]

Overall, it's well written and you have a very interesting plot but it could be tweaked a bit in places and I think there's still room to improve on the action, especially where Rylan's flight is concerned. Great dialogue though and generally a lovely start so well done. Hope some of these comments help a little and sorry it took so long,

Heather xx
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Thu Dec 20, 2007 11:46 am
EliteHusky says...



Seeing as you already have grammatical and spelling corrections posted, which were never my speciality, here are my honest feelings towards that piece. They are a tad harsh, but cruelly honest. I found it quite gruesome, if it wasn't for my attraction towards it on the first page I would never have read it nor would I now. It was challenging to keep up with at times with the length of the overall piece being so long (solid paragraphs, seldom spaced out to show dialogue), and the fact that is contained, what I personally consider, horrible, horrible themes of depicted "violence" did not help. Now here are the good news for once, I liked the descriptions. It shows that you have some sort of experience. However I also felt that it was overshadowed by the overall format of the piece. I know some pieces are long and frankly this entire review could be wrong and you could be the best writer this world has ever seen but in the meantime I think this was okay, not my cup of tea but nevertheless it was fairly decent.

Warm Regards,
-Elitehusky
  





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Tue Jan 01, 2008 7:25 am
Alteran says...



ElizaW wrote:Blue Crystal
Chapter One: Vastii in Black (part i)

The scene was illuminated by Rylan’s glass-and-bronze lamp, which shed a steady orange glow interrupted only by the framing of the glass panes. Small orange circles from the lamp’s ventilation drifted over the ceiling and Rylan’s gloved hand as he held the light aloft in the small cave-dwelling. The dead man laid face down in a pool of his own partially frozen blood.


Not sure, but I think it's supposed to be lay, I never really understood all those lay lie laid rules so, if I'm wrong brand me moron.

The scavenger blew out his candle immediately, which made no visible change to the illumination in the room, and he gathered [s]that[/s]it up with his fur parcels. Then he hesitated, axe in hand. “… What about the leg?”


I enjoyed this, it had very good imagery and description. I had a very clear image of where everything was taking place. I would have liked to see more involvement from your character though, he has his parts and of the little you have shown so far he has a very strong personality, but I think you could use him more to show the reader the setting rather than taking us aside to tell us.

You just need to incorporate the descriptions into a more active form rather than let them be a narration. Aside from the info-dumping this is very interesting. The starting with an odd murder really caught me.

I did notice his sudden turn from normal to paranoid and it happened rather quick making me go, "huh?" You might want to go back and see if you can help make it more easily understood why he reacted the way he did. You went into it a little, but I think it could be better clarified.

Keep writing and I look forward to reading the rest of these.
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Tue Jan 01, 2008 8:40 am
Squall says...



Hey there Eliza. I would like to start off by saying that this was pretty good, and it was quite intriguing.

When the live man saw Rylan looking at him he held out the pitted iron axe that he had been using to hack the dead man’s leg off: a threat, but not one that impressed Rylan.


I believe there is a comma in front of "him".

The man lowered his head like a scolded dog, backed up a bit, and walked not to the door but around the entire cave, always facing Rylan until he came to the little tunnel out, carved as small as reason allowed.


This sentence contains a lot of information. I think you can either simplify it, or split them into two sentences.

He decided to cheat bad luck by technicality instead, grabbed the corpse’s inner jacket by the collar, and pulled on the cloth, angling the dead man up and twisting him around.


I really like this bit. Clever and shows quite a bit of Rylan's character.

The city of Vastii was built below the ice and snow of the dark surface world, around a deep fissure in the earth that had been worked and shaped by the inhabitants until the hole was vaguely circular and lead down near the flow of an active volcano. The only part of the city that was above ground was the palace itself, and the white stone towers poked up like knives to the sky. Below that and above most of the informal entrances to the palace was a cap, a thick, man-made plug covering the Pit and blocking the inhabitant’s view of the stars. Access from the top to the bottom levels of the Pit was granted by the ridges carved around the side, spiraling down around the edges of the deep hole down to the bottom. Stairways, private tunnels moving off were also not uncommon.


Why the info dump? Can you find a way to work all this with the action with Rylan?


Your descriptions are very good and they are incorporated into the story quite well. However, you tend to be too wordy with your descriptions, making things a bit harder to comprehend. Some of your descriptions had words which I believe were unnecessary.

I like Rylan as a character. He is believable, realistic and a downright gangster protagonist for this sort of plot. I also like how you dug deeper into his character, by elaborating an idea or action further. He kinda reminds me of my main character with that Sherlock Holmes sort of vibe, and I love how the dialogue reflects that. However, it was quite inconsistant and unfocused, making the development seem a little random and not as effective as it should had been. It's like you are striking too many different notes at one time, making the presentation of his deeper traits and emotion feel rather jumbled and incohorant to the reader.

I also second Adam on involving Rylan more with the story. He is a very good main character, but he was kinda overshadowed with the actual plot of this fantasy, and so his importance as a main character is weakened.

Following my paragraph above, I believe that is because of your info dumps. Though they do provide more of a back story to your fantasy, I believe that it felt tacked on and you should be able to work the info dumps with what was happening in the story and with Rylan. This would make your info dumping more conscise and neatly organized. It also makes it much more interesting to read. I felt a bit put off reading this when I had reached the half way mark. If you can work the information with the story and your main character, then everything would flow very well.

Overall, quite well written and it was pretty good. I hope my critique helped ^^

Andy.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."
  





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Tue Jan 01, 2008 10:27 am
OverEasy says...



Wow. Your use of description is amazing, I can picture everything that is taking place at all times. Every detail is very precice, and the characters are very well developed. I am deeply impressed. :D
  








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