Young Writers Society

I think it's a beautiful piece of none fiction and very well written. More description of the setting would have been nice but there really isn't much wrong with it. I think I'd have liked more of an ending. It seemed a touch anti-climatic that you didn't mention what happened to the kittens, that you didn't go through and finish the story. Stating the resolution you made was nice but I feel there could have been more.

Other than that, just a few small suggestions -

Well, I expected anything but what met my eyes--four black and [s]tortishell[/s] tortoiseshell kittens, mewling pitifully from a nest of dirty straw.

She stared at me with a pair of vivid, clear-cut emerald eyes, and in that second, I [s]understand[/s] understood the sheer depth of her struggling [I think struggle might be better.].

I knew her struggling [Again, I'm not sure about struggling. Maybe conflict or trauma would work better? Or maybe just change it to struggle?]--maybe she would find peace somewhere else.

Other than that, you could take out a few of the asides -- like the one about frostbite -- because they disrupted the flow a touch but I liked it. Very nicely done.

Thanks Heather!
You're right about the frostbite--it did happen to me though--because it's kind of just...a random statement.
I'll change the sentences to 'struggle' and the tortoiseshell. Except, I never found out what happened to the kittens...it was at a farm and I returned to the city soon after I left the barn where they were. I just hope that they're all right.

That was sweet. I'm more of a dog-person than a cat-person, but this was really cute.

Your imagery wasn't bad, but could be improved on a bit.

I didn't really understand the ending much. Why did the mother cat leave? What was the resolution about? It was a beautiful piece, but needs more explination.

Ayra, you never cease to amaze me.

This was a very sweet piece. I wouldn't call it blunt, because sometimes simplicity is better than the most elegant prose. Don't get me wrong--you have the best handle on prose I've ever seen--but this is nice to read for a change.

I agree with chocoholic that it needs more explanation. I think you over-dramatized the mother cat's struggles, especially since you don't know what she's thinking. Then again, that's the point of the story, isn't it?

Great job! I love your writing!

Aww, thanks you guys.
After re-reading this, I agree with you on the Mother cat drama thing. I was pretty upset about her leaving though...but I'll work on that.

What? You actually want me to add more imagery? Yippeeee! I love describing things--usually I get feedback saying I describe them too much. =P
Anyways, I'll work on this. I'm not sure why I decided to make that resolution though... I have an odd way of thinking sometimes.

Cheers (and thanks for the critiques!),
Ayra

Ayra said:
Snow crunched beneath my sneakers,

I think you need to tell us what colour your sneakers and maybe something about the texture of the snow even though you already said crunched maybe you could say something like:
The frosty snow crunched loudly beneath my (insert colour) sneakers,

Ayra said:
Snow crunched beneath my sneakers, and I squinted against the glare of the afternoon sun.

I think you need to put some explanation into the glare or the sun or something after squinted. Because right now all I seem to see is the the the the...

Ayra said:
At least I was missing a Math test, though.

That kinda does not make sense. Maybe you should get rid of the "though" at the end of your sentence.
If you disagree with me try to read it out-loud.

Ayra said:
four black and tortishell kittens, mewling pitifully from a nest of dirty straw.

Maybe you could tell us where the nest is set.

And you just open the door and don't walk in and they are right there? Maybe you should say she walked in and dropped to her knees etc.

Well most moms are very protective over their babies so maybe the moms reaction should be a little bit different when she first sees the girl.

Wow wow... Slow down there girly!
What's happened? I am confused. The mom just left her kittens?
I think you need a little more explanation here at the end XD
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Over all I liked it. Not your best work but it was good
It was short but affective like the wings of a bird.
Keep on writing!

-Neer
Genevieve
xxx

Thanks Gwen!
I must disagree with some of your nit-picks though. True, I could add more detail, and I am going to. But the 'though' does make sense when it is placed after my statement about the Math test. Because I said I was bored out of my mind, so the 'though' was saying that at least there was an upside to my being where I was. You know?

About the reaction. This actually all happened to me, and that was the mom's reaction. I don't think I should change it because that would be adding something fictional to an otherwise true story.
I wish I could add more explanation at the end...but I really don't know why she left. She just did. It was really rather strange.

Cheers,
Ayra

Well...
I guess you are right XD
I am just dumb. lol
Well Nice work!

Ning, you are a far cry from being dumb!
Sorry it took me so long to reply to this...I only just noticed all these topics of mine in which I've forgotten to thank the critiquers.

This is really nice, Ayra!

Even though (as others have already said) the whole thing with the mother leaving is a bit vague, the story on the whole is really sweet and leaves a wonderful feeling after being read through.

Your paragraphs are still a little... weird. But I won't go into that, because I already have on some of your other pieces.

Alright, now for the nitpicks. I think the 'oddly enough' should be taken out... just because it's in the beginning of the first sentence.

Ayra wrote:At least I was missing a Math test, though.

I think is should be something like: 'At least I was missing my Math test though, I thought to myself with a wry grin.'

Ayra wrote:Well, I expected anything but what met my eyes--four black and tortishell kittens, mewling pitifully from a nest of dirty straw.

I agree with Gwenny here... where are the kittens? Off in the corner farthest from the door? Right in front of the door? In the middle of the room??? ...and tortoiseshell should be fixed.

Ayra wrote:They were small and scrawny, but cute nonetheless.

Hm... I would think (from my own experience with kittens) that the smallness and scrawniness would ADD to the cuteness. Maybe try saying something like 'They were adorably small and scrawny.' Also, the whole paragraph that this sentence is in is really humongo. Try to space it out a tad more.

Ayra wrote:And so it was on the night that I found a resolution; I would give life all I had, and hopefully I would get it all back.

I think there should be at least a paragraph leading up to the resolution, because as it is it feels a little out of place.
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Please Pm me if you have questions/comments concerning my critique.

Hope this helps!
~Azila~