Young Writers Society

I'm not sure about this one. I tried to give the words their own rhythm, and it might only be good if you hear someone read it, or if you like fencing. I like it, but I could use some help cleaning up the ending.
Anyway, here goes.

I’m staring at you as you step on the strip
And I’m wondering
What are you knowing
Without even showing
Or trying, at least
As we step to the beat of our blades
In the light of the meet
And I see how you’re leaning
Your feet at the angle
Betraying your training
And saying you’ll mangle
The foil that comes
To the left of your body
We step to the beat of our blades!
We’re starting
Without even knowing we’re staring
With tips to the eyes of the other
A foil edge glaring
The enemy’s mother is shouting to root
We’re shoulder to shoulder
And sweep in salute
With helmets on shoulders
We’re drummers
Saluting
The tempo is ticking
Now march to the beat of your blades!
They say,
As we test the tension with tenuous teases
The onlookers stoking
While each of us eases
A toe or a blade
And punishing rushing
The first step is made!
The watchers are hushing
We’re thinking
And inching
And dancing with twitches
An inch to the left
And the other side switches
We’re moving
And slowing
And this is it
Into it
Lunge!
Survived it
And
Lunge!
Recovery
Parry and swat
Our faces are hidden
Our motives are not
And we follow
And feint
And we sidestep
And swipe
You snoop like a swallow
I swoop like a snipe
And we dance to the beat of our blades
At last!
With a desperate lunge
I’ve taken your sword
And broken your drums
The hard part is past
Subservience comes
And it hums
In the air
As we step to the beat
In the heat
Of the meet
And your feet
Give a sway
Final blow,
Down below
One last stab!
And Touche

Wow! I love the rythem. My brother fences, so he'd like this too.

One qualm I had: you should break it up into stanzas. That would help the flow.

good job, I really enjoyed it. I used to fence, so I knew what foil etc. meant, but an unknowing reader might be confused by some of your terminology.
I also liked the rhythm and rhyming, I can almost see this being made into a song.

Really nice. I love the beat and rythym. There is something happening in this rap song.
You should've posted it by lyrics.

I love the ending!

Really good.

I LOVED IT!

I'm astonished that in a poem of this length, it keeps your attention, and by no means gets boring. That's difficult to accomplish. And it really sounds like you know what you're talking about.... At least I think so. I know nothing of fencing... which is why it's scary that everything you said made sense to me.

Two bits in particular I liked especially:

"Dancing with twitches"
and
"Our faces are hidden
Our motives are not."

In reading it, just hearing the rhythm in my head was glorious. I don't notice that aspect, usually, in other pieces, but the rhythm here I thought was very catchy.

Thanks for a great read!

All the best,
Goldie

Thank you! Those are my favorite parts too, actually.