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How You Break My Heart (Chapter 2)



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Sun Sep 16, 2007 12:06 am
chocoholic says...



(Seven years old)

“Bye Jose,” I leaned over and kissed Mum on the cheek before jumping out of the car and running into the school. “Dad will pick you up after school!”

“I love you, Mum,” I shouted, waving, and grinning at my best friend, Olivia.

Olivia took her hands out of the pockets of her school blazer and picked up her blue school bag.

“Hey Josie.”

I nodded and sauntered up to the large, stone building. It was a private school- all fees paid by Dad and his high-paying job- and went from prep to year 12.

“Do you want to come to my house after school?” Olivia asked. “Mum said it would be okay if you did.”

I shook my head and sat down in the corridor, outside our classroom.

“I’m going to Dad’s place. It’s his weekend.”

Olivia groaned and nodded. She was the only one of my friends who I had told the whole story of Dad leaving. She tried to understand and be a good friend about it, but sometimes it was hard for her.

The custody arrangement was that Rosa, now 17, spent every second weekend at Dads. He would pick us up from school and drop us off on Monday morning. Mum would then take us home that afternoon. Rosa had been cold towards Dad until she was 16, when he bailed her out of jail for shoplifting and agreed not to tell Mum.

“What about tomorrow?” Olivia asked.

I yawned and shook my head again, wishing that I was able to go.

“Dad’s taking me and Rosa to some performance. It sounds really boring, but his girlfriend is acting in it.”

Olivia nodded sadly and we sat in silence until the teacher opened the door and let us in.

After school Dad met me at the front gate with Rosa beside him. She stood with her hip jutted out and leg bent, twirling some of her auburn hair around a long and slender finger. Her heavy-looking schoolbag lay on the ground beside her with the top of a folder sticking out. Dad stood completely straight with a smile on his dark face. He obviously hadn’t shaven in days, and his brown hair was sticking up in places.

“Finally,” Rosa exclaimed. “What took you so long? You do know that I have a very important test I have to study for.”

I blushed. “Sorry Rosa.”

Dad took my small hand in his big, rough one and chuckled. Rosa and I rolled our eyes at each other as we walked to the car. It was a blue sports car with the roof down. I loved Dads car because when he drove fast, the wind blew your hair back (or forwards, depending what direction you were going in).

Dad and Rosa got into the front two seats and I jumped into the back.

“All ready?” Dad asked, and started the car. I sat back and enjoyed the wind whipping my face, and I could see that Rosa was talking on her mobile.

“Who’s up for McDonalds?” Dad asked as we neared the fast-food chain. Rosa and I both nodded, and he drove into the drive-thru. He ordered, and then passed us our meals. I munched on nuggets and drank my lemonade the rest of the way to Dad’s place.

Dad lived in a house that looked like it could fit many people, even though it was only him and Eliza, and sometimes me and Rosa. It wasn’t a mansion, but it was definitely bigger than our house. It had two floors, two bathrooms, four studies, a kitchen and seven bedrooms.

“Dinners at six Rosa,” Dad shouted as Rosa twisted her key and ran upstairs. We both knew she was going into her private study to do homework and prepare for some test. She was really smart, and was expected to get top marks of her VCE exam.

“What do you want to do, my little princess?” Dad asked me, picking up my bag and shutting the gates. We walked up the gravel path and entered the house, Dad closing the big wooden door behind him.

I shrugged. “I think I’ll have some food, and then go to my room. Olivia gave me this book today. I want to read it.”

Dad sighed, nodding. It was only when he was upset that you could see the lines on his face. For the very first time I noticed the dark circles under his eyes and the grey hairs that mixed in with the brown. But instead of trying to be nice, I walked into the kitchen where Eliza was bringing a chocolate cake out of the oven, and sat down on a stool.

I quite liked Eliza. She was kind, and a brilliant cook. She was tall and thin, with strong black hair that was always kept in a ponytail. Rosa said she looked the Catherine Zeta-Jones, and shouldn’t be dating our dad seeing as she was only 29, and he was 48!

“How was school, Jose?” Eliza asked, handing me a piece of cake smothered in cream.

I picked up the fork and put a bit in my mouth. My face twisted into a smile. The cake was delicous.

“School was fine,” I said. “Olivia gave me a book as a late birthday present.”

Eliza sat down in front of me and ate a slice. She knew all about Olivia because I talked about her so much.

“And how’s your mum?”

“Mum’s fine,” I told her. Eliza had met Mum on a few occasions, such as the school presentation nights, dramas that Rosa had been a part of and once when I sang in the school choir.

Eliza nodded. “That’s good,” she cut another slice and put it on a separate plate. “Why don’t you take this up to your sister?”

I nodded and took the plate, making my way up the extravagent flight of stairs. For once Rosa’s door was actually open, so I walked straight in and put the cake on her desk. Rosa was on the phone, but she smiled and mouthed, ‘Thank you,’ then waved me out.

I went into my room and opened my bag, but something stopped me taking the book out. I glanced up at my desk, and for some reason one of my photos stopped me. It was of my fourth birthday, just before Dad left. We were all at the zoo, having fun. I was holding a balloon, and Rosa had an almost blank expression on- trying to be ‘cool’- but you could see a faint smile on her face. Dad stood next to Rosa, with his arm around Mum’s waist. It was probably the last time we had all been together, as one happy family.

I scrunched up my face and lost my balance, landing on my butt. I picked up the photo and stared at it as tears spilled out of my eyes, landing on the glass that was protecting the picture.
Last edited by chocoholic on Mon Mar 10, 2008 2:08 am, edited 5 times in total.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*
  





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Sun Sep 16, 2007 3:02 pm
GingerLizzy says...



"I nodded and sauntered up to the large, stone building. It was a private school- all fees paid by dad and his high-paying job- and went from prep to year 12. The junior building had an oval wit a running track marked around it and a long-jump pit down the bottom. There was a building with the gym and changing rooms that was a short way off from the main building. The main building had three levels and two staircases. The bottom floor had the staffroom and main office, as well as the cooking classroom, a bathroom and canteen. The second floor held the prep- grade three classrooms and the art room. On the third level were the grade four- grade six classrooms, the drama and music classroom and the library."

First off, here you have info dumped and do you really think that it is important for us to know all about the school layout. I don't as in this story the only main part that is in the school is at the beginning.

Also, all the way throughout the piece I found many different punctuation, grammar and spelling mistakes that should be righted straight away. Proofread your work before you post, it is necessary, even though it takes up some of your time.

"The custody arrangement was that Rosa, now 17, spent every second weekend at dads. He picked us up from school and dropped us off on Monday morning and mum would then take us home. Rosa had been cold towards dad until she was 16, when he bailed her out of jail for shoplifting."

Also, in this little piece, I got confused when I first read it and I wondered what was going on. At first, I thought you had changed the person you were writing in and this was a big no no for me. But no, I realise what it is, although you should change it so that it is clearer.

Hope this helps.
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Mon Sep 24, 2007 10:02 am
kittykat_luva says...



Hey I like it! :) but Ginger is right, that bit about weekends and jail got me confused.
I still like it though!
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Mon Oct 15, 2007 11:26 am
chocoholic says...



I finally got around to editing this. I hope it's better, please tell me what you think!
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*
  





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Sat Dec 22, 2007 2:15 pm
Alainna says...



I prefer the tone of this second chapter, although it still feels rather restrained.

(Seven years)

Same as last time; this doesn't work. Try: Seven Years Old.

Olivia took her hands out of the black pockets of her school blazer and picked up her blue school bag.

It's nice to have description, but remember that colours aren't the only thing you can describe. Also, try using slightly more complex words, something that could spice it up a bit. Picked up her azure bag....or something to that affect.

She tried to understand and be a good friend about it, but sometimes it was hard when she was un-tactful and started talking about her parents or great family.

This is a slightly weak sentence. Try breaking it up or altering it so that it's easier to read.

She stood with her hip jutted out and leg bent, twirling some of her auburn hair around a long and slender finger. Her heavy-looking schoolbag lay on the ground beside her with the top of a folder sticking out. Dad stood completely straight with a smile on his dark face. He obviously hadn't shaven in days, and his brown hair was sticking up in places.

I really liked this part. Your writing is at its strongest here.

Try to make sure that your story has conflict. I don't mean that something bad has to happen all the time, just that there is some action. You need to show or hint rather than tell. As always, use your five senses. Use literary devices. It could make your writing more rich.

All the best and do keep it up.

Alainna
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Tue Jan 29, 2008 5:59 am
BigBadBear says...



Awesome! Chapter Two! I can't wait to read it!

Awwhhh... another sad chapter.

Choco, I've got to tell you that this is good. I am really feeling for Jose. She is a very cool character. :grin:

Ok, so in this chapter she is 7. Again, like last chapter, she acts too old. a seven year old would be in... 1-2nd grade.

“School was fine,” I said. “Olivia gave me a book as a late birthday present.”


No 7 year old would say, "School was fine." They would say, "It was ok..."

See what I mean?

Other than that major issue, there was nothing else pointing out. Your characters are very likable, and this story is fun and easy to read.

Sorry for such a short critique! I'm too anxious to read chapter 3!

BBB
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Fri Feb 22, 2008 12:37 am
Teague says...



Chapter Two! Yay!

My mum says this is good. She read it while I was in the bathroom. xD

She was the only one of my friends who I had told the whole story of Dads leaving.

Either an apostrophe in "Dads" or get rid of the S entirely. Your choice.

Rosa had been cold towards Dad until she was 16, when he bailed her out of jail for shoplifting and agreed not to tell Mum.

Slight telling rather than showing here, but I'm willing to let it slide.

I loved Dads car because

Dad's car is possesive, no? ;)

You do that a couple times. Quick proofread should take care of it.

I munched on Nuggets and drank my Lemonade the rest of the way to Dad’s place.

Since when are nuggets and lemonade proper nouns? ;)

It was only when he was upset that you could see the lines of time on his face. For the very first time I noticed the dark circles under his eyes and the grey hairs that mixed in with the brown.

The repetition of "time" here bothers me. I'm just nitpicky like that. xD

and sitting down on a stool.

Did Josie or Eliza sit on a stool? Misplaced modifier if it's the former. ^^

and shouldn’t be dating our Dad seeing as she was only 29, and he was 48!

"Dad" in this context isn't a proper noun. ;)

Haha, I can relate to this, though. My dad's girlfriend is 20something as well, and he's 42. xD

“And how’s your Mum?”

Mum in this context is also not a proper noun. If you say "my mum, your mum," etc, it's not a proper noun. When used in place of their name, however, like "Mum was baking cookies," then it is a proper noun. [/mini-lecture]

drama’s that Rosa had been a part of and once when I sang in the school choir.

What belongs to the drama? ;)
You don't need that apostrophe, love.

extravagant

Is that spelled right? Meh. Can't tell and I'm too lazy to check, but it looks wrong.

she smiled and mouthed, ‘Thankyou,’ then waved me out.

Space between "thank" and "you," perhaps?

Hrm. Interesting to see where this is going. Still not sure whether I think this is too cliche or not. The jury is out.

*scurries off to read the rest*

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Thu Oct 02, 2008 2:09 pm
olivia1987uk says...



I'm getting into this now...am probably going to read and review the whole lot now. I know what I'm like...

My only problem with this was that Josie seems a little mature for a seven year old in her actions and what she says when talking to Olivia in particular...Good name by the way! Haha!

I'm moving on to chapter 3 now
Olivia
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