Young Writers Society

[s]Lite-shuttled light from above couldn't
even penetrate the darkness of our palms
at this dirt-dirty crossing with not a nothing in sight.
Skip the change and close the frame:
no longer do his feet slide under mine
to dance me along in that pseudo-waltz way
while we swirl each other through the dust
in which I smudge my salsa dancing sole.
[alt. last two lines: while we swirl each other in the dust
to drug our salsa dancing souls][/s]



Lite-shuttled light from above couldn't even
penetrate the darkness of our palms
at that dirt-dirty crossing with not a nothing in sight.
We'd skipped the change and closed the frame:
no longer would his feet slide under mine
to dance me along in that pseudo-waltz way
ever since we drug each other through the dust
to smudge our salsa dancing soles.

I like how, while reading it, the way the words spin and twist, you feel like you are dancing. Skillful. ^_^

The first three lines took me a while to interpret and I'm still not sure I caught onto them. The way they were without a stop until the very end and flowed together I got slightly lost in the words. And then "dirt-dirty" is hard for one to read and crossroads seems like it should be singular. (This crossroads?)

"Skip the changes and close the frame:" I can't get exactly what you mean here, and that seems to be the large problem with this. All together it is beautiful, but if I try to pull it apart and find out what is actually happening, what the meaning is, I'm helplessly confused.


"Salsa-dancing sole desire" I adore the s-d-s-d sounds in this line. Again, it's hard to read over, but only slightly, and it is rewarding. More so than dirt-dirty, because that plays tricks on you and you want to say "dirty dirty" or "Really dirty" even though that word isn't there. You understand?

I did like the feel of it, but I think some line fix ups are needed ^_^ best of luck in edited!

On the contrary, I love "dirt-dirty". It's outstanding and original. In line 7, though, this long list of verbs could use some revision. I think that that rush you were trying to imply, the exhiliration of dancing... could be expressed so much more gracefully than this. The rest of the poem examples excellent word choice, so I believe your vocabulary must be wide enough to have the best pick of the bargain to suit this climax.

"Not even the single lamp shuffling light from above could penetrate our palms to the darkness between at this dirt-dirty crossroads with not a nothing in sight." Also, if you take this as one, you might have to rethink conjunctions.

(I'm being hypocritical - I'm horrible at linebreaks and punctuation)

A beautiful piece, though. If any form of writing is worthy of the art of dancing, poetry is definitely the format.

I've changed the title! Thanks, xanthan and Clau!

"skip the change and close the frame": that's me mixing partner dance terminology with my love for likening everything to the film in a camera. Some of the definitions can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glossary_o ... ance_terms
Let me know if you'd like me to expand on anything.

I love the revision of the first three lines - much clearer!

This is really nice, Am!

Thank you, Evangelina ^_^

I feel like it's too short. But I've already made my point? I s'ppose I could add some scenery stuff for effect. Anyone have opinions?

From what I can tell, you only changed the punctuation and a couple of lines. Even so, this version flows so much better. It's beautiful. ^_^ This edited version it great! and the change of title. hmmm. I like it.

Sometimes the shortest and simplest peice is the best one.

Amelia -


Consider:


Not even the lamp shuffling light from above
could penetrate the darkness of our palms.
Skip the change and close the frame:
no longer do your feet slide under mine
to dance me along their complicated steps!
We're spinning, twirling, swirling, hurling--
pulling each other through the dust
in which I smudge my salsa dancing sole.


Thanks for the read,
Brad

Considering...

I like the word change in the second line, but I want to cling to the the following line for at least a little while longer. Thank you for your thoughts

-Amelia

Excellent! I think you are describing a dancing scene, right?


"Skip the change and close the frame" was the only line that I was really confused about. What does it mean?

Thanks for reading, gadi; if you read up seven or eight posts, you'll find a link to Wikipedia explaining the dancing terminology, though if you're still curious, PM me and I'll expand on it (I didn't want to do so initially because I tend to get overexcited and ramble for a while)

-melia

Dirty dirty, not a nothing. Excellent lines. This was a satisfying read--I never critique poems, but I will tell you that I liked this. It was very vivid, especially after two or three reads. And if Brad didn't tell you to kill it, you know it must be good.

I sort of wonder what your intent was? Why did you wrote it? What feeling were you trying to evoke?

Doesn't matter, I still love it ^_^ Thanks for sharing.

I sort of wonder what your intent was? Why did you wrote it? What feeling were you trying to evoke?

Hmm, I will certainly be keeping that thought in mind, thanks Misty ^_^