Reviewing Genie

I will review:
-Chapters (within the first four of the novel, or if I'm following the story already)
-Poetry
-Short stories
-***Essays*** especially

I can offer significant help with plot progression, character/scene development, and structure (sentences and overall). If you want me to concentrate on a specific element, let me know.

::Sci-fi and historical fiction only on an individual basis::

*I can proofread for a small fee, depending on the length of the piece.

Hi.
Sorry if this is the wrong way of requesting, but I'm new around here. Apologies in advance.

I'm an 18 year old hobbyist writer majoring in the Philosophy of Law, so my writing may be a tad too logical and linear for fiction. It's my first attempt at it - since childhood I suppose.

Link to designated text requiring review: http://pastebin.com/jpBeRasd

Preference: If you could even skim over it that'd be great. It's sitting at approximately a thousand words so you may or may not want to spend an extensive amount of time on it. I'm aiming for a new twist at the current zombie craze, as I'm "reinventing," through the idea of Philosophical Zombies (D. Chalmers) There's underlying psychological themes, dark humor (expressed through the questionable narration of a seventeen year old sociopath) etcera

Please let me know what you think, and if you could tell me how I could improve my writing that'd be terrific.