Post your very first review here

While talking to Beckiw today we were talking about how nice it is to have the new Reviews section on profiles.

Here's where to find it if you don't know what I'm talking about:



One of the neat things is that you can view any of your old reviews. Even... yes... the very first one you ever wrote. I looked back at mine and I couldn't believe my hard-line style of line-by-line critiquing.

Spoiler

Here it is.

In 2007, Charlie wrote:

- and it's all lies.

Probably do better as 'its all lies!'

Sorry, I regress.

Sorry, I digress?

it was my sisters'

If there is only one sister it should really be 'sister's'.

with a magic apple, an enchanted comb,

I'd use an 'and' instead of a comma there.

Well, I was amazed.

The look amazed! Use an exclamation mark!

So that was why everyone was so hostile to me, when I was leaving the kingdom.

No comma needed.

No, I would rather stain my sisters' reputation but a little, and save my family so much pain.

No! I would rather stain my sister's reputation, but a little, and save my family so much pain. ?

But I will tell it the way it happened.

Don't really need the 'But' here.

Everything began when our parents were killed in a carriage accident.

Love that!

our mansions' well-stocked library

mansion's if its only one mansion.

My sister was as beautiful as the sunrise and the sunset combined into one glorious human form.

Perhaps stick a comma in after 'sunset'?

The messenger lad swung off of his sweaty horse

Messenger boy? Just a thought.

gave a scanty bow in my direction

I'm not sure 'scanty' is the word you are looking for. Maybe a 'a half bow?'.

"Lad, take your horse to the stables,

Replacing 'Lad' with 'Boy' would work better here.

I hastily unrolled the scrap of paper, and blinked at the few scanty lines written on that dirty, torn parchment.

You don't need a comma after 'paper'.
'Scanty' is back! Still not sure its the right word here.

I stared at the lines until they blurred at the edges, until all I could see was a black blur.

Two 'blur's. Perhaps better to use another word.

long, loud, horrible scream that stampeded all of the horses

Scared the horses? Not really sure on that one.

Nurse forced down a drop of water and a bit of food down my throat, but otherwise they did not know what do to for me.

Two 'down's. You could get rid of the first one.
I'd also change the 'to' so it reads 'what to do for me'.

its' grip pulled steadily upwards.

It's if there is only one grip.

stone blind

Not really sure about that.

My nurse, far from being alarmed, replied calmly;

I think you want a colon at the end, not a semi-colon.

And I did learn.

You might want to consider 'And how I learned!'

Well, she called for help. And help,

I think you could miss out the full stop and make it one sentence.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Please continue!


Very good, I loved the characters but I would consider checking over your grammar (especially in commas!). Looking forward to the rest.

I've definitely changed a lot since then, thank goodness! If you're feeling brave, then post your very first review here...

To me, it's more like a poem as well, but a very nice poem I always wonder if it was worse to not hear or to not see? And most of time, I really can't make it up.

May 2008. I was 15...

(By "make it up", I think I meant "make my mind up"... English skills.)

The poem sounds really tragic but endearing at the same time. I like the way you've put the anguish of the persona into perspective when it speaks about the treachery of the ocean. I like the concept behind this and with a little more attention to arrangement and stanza formation, this poem might sound and be better than it already is!
I really liked this poem. Great work and keep the ink flowing.

I have actually changed quite a bit. Now I do a lot of in-depth analysis and stuff. I've grown up!

Jun 09, 2010 >.>

WHISPERER... I'm going to be really HONEST with you... this is the best story I've ever read. I love the way you described everything, I mean it was so awesome I'm going to read the next chapter Thanks for let others read this!!

-Solvalery

This is definitely the best review ever! It is enthusiastic, it's encouraging, it offers excellent constructive criticism, and the grammar is just perfect!

>.< I'll get over this in a few hours. Okay? Okay.

*sings, traumatized* "Cause when you're fifteen...."

Oct. 8th, 2010

Ok, overall this is a good piece. i don't go like in depth though I'm just going to give you my overall impression.
There are some typo's so you need to go over the entry and edit it a little.
when she is in the dream you need a little more feeling like: she stabbed herself and as she felt the searing pain she saw all the ones she loved pass her as she feel into death's dark embrace that would make readers want to read more.
You don't need 2 announce when she wakes from the dream, just do something like: Amy Lynn stretched and glanced out her window the sun blinding her with warmth and light okay thats about it.

O.o I was 12 almost 13.. Hmm..
(Somebody tells you they love youuuuuuuuuuu)

Nice idea to do this.. Mine first was short, compared to the others, and I was really really nice (though I'm nice more often than not).......

Very interesting, I must say
I like the way you write, and the way you're talking to the reader - it's really rather simple to understand, and yet witty and has some deeper thoughts. Definitely, you know exactly how to hook your readers, which is confirmed by the fact I'm here writing this review though I actually kind of stumbled upon your writing, and if I found a book with this prologue in a library, I'd most definitely take it home with me ^^

Also, I find this concept of naming your reader rather intriguing - I've never seen it done before. I don't know if you did it so the readers would feel connected from the very first sentence, or was it your plan to make readers feel like Art while you're talking to them, but it works for me - I really want to hear the story on, and I don't care if my name wasn't really Art, it shall be so if it means you'll keep talking to me.

All in all, good job, keep on with it
Aria

It was the review on this ~ http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=98275#c340479

Wow. This gave me shivers.
"I should have caught the syllables in a jar
and pickled them till summer"
Is going to be stuck in my head for a long time.
I have one suggestion for change: put a line break in the sixth line between "open" and "the." It will scan better.
You have quite a talent. Very nice.

I've only been here for a month or so, but I've already gotten better at reviewing (I can't believe how short and general this is. Goodness).

Good job! This story was good, but the dialect got a bit annoying. The dialect was my only problem, the story and this character as a whole was great. Now, again, the dialect! I am from the south, and I have never heard an accent this heavy! I'm not saying you did, but when some people try to fake a southern accent in film or literature, they just try to sound stupid, and this bothers me. Also, I suggest you try to hear some movies with good accents that you can take from when you write, one such movie is Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?, and a good TV show with accents that are portrayed well would be Justified.

Anyway! This story was good and for the most part I enjoyed reading it! Just try not to overdo the accents! Good job!

....woah....

Good thing I'm not this awful at reviewing anymore....

A fateful day a year and a half ago, the two great galaxies of the Milky Way and Andromeda merged, forming a super-galaxy known as ... Andromeda way.

Colours erupted in the sky, swirling and dancing. Fortune tellers had seen this day coming, the day when Blues would--I don't think this will work. It's also scientifically inaccurate.

That weirdo who joined on the 29th of July 2011 known as AhmadBlues wrote:Interesting. Quite interesting.

I read your first chapter and I really liked how we went straight into the action. This one was really good too, I liked it. I thought that this one gave me hints about Charlie and Bella's relationship and what Charlie thinks of Bella.

I was a little bit confused however. Is Bella adopted, or half-Chinese? Jane was talking about how Bella's eyes were 'slits', and Bella says something about Shanghai, yet her Uncle is in Italy.

I liked that though. I'll keep reading

Mac

P.S. This is my first review

Is it bad if I'm slightly proud of it for a first review?

Hmmm. I'm not sure about this one. I like the idea behind it but I agree that it needs a little work. It's very raw and I think with a bit more imagery it could be very effective. You say you're lost for different reasons than what we'd think... so why not bring that into the poem? I can understand if it's quite personal but I just feel that there needs to be something more to make it unique.

I joined after being on sites that encouraged short reviews in my defence! But certainly not my proudest moment...

Some of my first works actually seem to be in the "Review" tab. Not sure why. Anyway, here's my first actual review. Don't know if I've actually gotten better.

I definitely thought it was a good poem, however, maybe this is just me, but the dashes are annoying and don't seem to have any purpose. Also maybe you could change the second line to "My skin is etched away" or "etching my skin away". Also "But they continue to keep spreading" is wordy and kinda redundant. Either take out the "continue to" or the "to keep"

This is a great poem if you reword it a little.

niteowl wrote:Some of my first works actually seem to be in the "Review" tab. Not sure why.

I think it also shows our comments to the reviews we got, that's why you have your own works listed ^^
That also comes in handy if you ask me, though.

Jan 13th 2009

The prologue was interesting it sounds like it could be a good premise for a story.

I find it all very fast, if that was your aim then I guess what I say doesn't matter lol Alot of things happened in a short space of time. And quite a few characters were introduced in only a couple of lines. Just as I was getting used to Lily then Jake was introduced.

A tip for writing dialogue I always found helpful was not to always to write it in perfect english (unless of course your character calls for it) this often helps to build character and adds a certain naturalistic feel. Try reading the dialogue out to yourself it helps to see if it flows. I personally like dialogue that flows you may not

I also like to make character profiles to flesh out my characters more so I know what they are like and how they would respond to certain situations. I found after I started making character profiles my characters seemed more alive. I usually do the name, how they look, their personality, their circumstances (where they live, etc.).

Perhaps instead of the characters of the guards revealing that Rhen Braker is wanted Lily could be running and see wanted posters and then you could introduce the guards later. This could give you time to describe more of the surroundings

This was my first review so I hope I didn't come across too mean! I look forward to seeing more of your writing, you definitely have good ideas and I want to know why she died and just who the heck is Rhen Braker lol

Is it bad that I don't see much difference from then? lol Or that I even think I got a teensy bit harsher!

June 12th, 2010, 1:51 pm
Hello, Tinkerfee. Welcome to YWS! You know the first thing that struck me was how long this was. I mean it must have been a long dream... But I always have long dreams that span hours...And I'm just rambling. Anyway, On to the story. I really enjoyed this. That's because i love stories about medieval things. I can't say much about editing it because the things I wanted to say have already been said by others. But don't think you're alone on the errors. I went a whole three years not knowing I was supposed to change the line when a character said something

It's not too bad for a fourteen year old...I like to tell myself that anyway.

Hi! I loved your story, it caught my eye because the story on my account is a Rapunzel retelling too (though not nearly as good). The story was well written and the characters were interesting, I had to think hard to come up with a question. So, Why does Gothella teach magic to Rouge? Do you need special Characteristicics to use magic? Do you need to be a witch? Is it genetic or by luck? If not, why didn't Gothella just teach Rapunzel? Other than that, I loved it!

This was about two years ago. It's my first, but I actually wouldn't classify it as my worst, as awful as it is. Now, I don't think I could write a review this short if I tried. It gets worse and worse the more I look at it. I'll just submit now, before I change my mind.