Blue Lights (lyrics) (over 13)

blue lights
streaming across the night sky
dominating the city
an ominous signal of desire
you are on fire
you are on
f i r e

i wish i could say
that everything's under control
just another day
of rock and/or roll
deep breath
before the plunge
tear out my heart
listen to the lyrics
of a song i wrote
driving in my car
wind in my hair
funky indie riffs.

blue lights
twirling in front of my eyes
kaleidoscope lady
i didn't take too much
you are dying
you are
d e a d

crazy remix dance
extravaganza
yeh yeh yeh
it's all your fault
i didn't touch it
this time
just don't look back
i'll be gone
before then...

blue lights
they've gone, can't see them anymore
that fucking geezer
stole my wallet
i am on fire
i am on
f i r e

i am dying
i am dying
i am dying
yeh yeh yeh

i thought it was very lyrical. The yeh yeh yeh's don't really look as cool on paper as what they sound like in song. I really liked this one, no crit. All you need is some good music now to go with it!

Wow...this was really good. A lot of times when reading lyrics, they can be very redundant, but these weren't at all. It was fun to read. I liked it. :Two thumbs up:

It's great, jack

It's better than I could...which isn't exactly saying much...It's grrrreat!

"funky indie riffs"--- You rock my world Fire.

One suggestion to change the second stanza, because you have an accidental rhyme scheme. I think one set of rhyming lines is fine, but maybe you could change

i wish i could say
that everything's under control

to "i wish i could say
that everything's as it should be" or something to that effect.

The "guest" message is actually me, i just wasn't logged in and was being confused by the new layout. so yeah.

hewhehehehehehe 'geezer'

Anonymous wrote:"funky indie riffs"--- You rock my world Fire.

One suggestion to change the second stanza, because you have an accidental rhyme scheme. I think one set of rhyming lines is fine, but maybe you could change

i wish i could say
that everything's under control

to "i wish i could say
that everything's as it should be" or something to that effect.

I reckon it should stay as under control, its more 'rockish'

wow

oh my god, it's freakin KICK ASS

wow

I have a whole tune for this in my head, jack

you rock, hon, seriously, this is amazing, i love the whole indie feel to it- totally awesome

Very creative Ha ha.
I love the first verse. There is just the word "Dominationg" and it doesn't fit. It sounds forced. A very good tactic I use to make the lyrics flow and sound better is by reading it aloud.
Other than that, you did pretty great!