The Umbrella (contest entry)

An overly taut piece of night,
so dark, cool and lovely,
flowed above and about my head
atop a sliver of bone
that shone and glimmered

A delicate tracery of brilliant silver,
stretched out and captured the darkness.
Immaculate, pristine
it nurtured and protected.

Closer inspection,
shore away the lie--
miniscule cracks ran up
the pure silver,
crumbling in my hand;
a fractured reflection of perfection.

The seamless shadow splintered,
letting in the cold,
a feeling of numbness
of despair and isolation;
I was no longer protected
but suddenly alone.

An overly taught piece of night

What a great description. This is so original, which is always wonderful to see. It definitely stands out among descriptive pieces. Good job, you deserve to win.

Awesome jig. This is definitely is consideration for the contest.

An overly taught piece of night,

Do you mean "taught" as in "He was taught math"? Or do you mean "taut" as in tight?

it nurtured and protected.

It nurtured and protected what? Or was it nurtured and protected?

Closer inspection,
shore away the lie;

What about "upon closer inspection." And with "shore away the lie" it comes to me what I don't like about this piece: it's vague and distant and told without a subject - there is no person in this poem. It doesn't touch me at all because it's just a bunch of images all jumbled together. Anyone can push words together - to become a better poet you must make your reader FEEL as strongly as you do about that which you are writing.

So you feel numb and alone; so does the whole damn world. I don't feel anything in this piece because YOU aren't present in it. Try to bring yourself into this poem.

I was going to note the same question at the beginning as Cicero - but he slipped in ahead of me. ^_^

An overly taught piece of night,

Taut - tight, doubtless.

The contrast between delicate, keen description - on the dramatic side - and the umbrella, broken at the end...best aspect of the piece. ^_^ It might be more affecting though...were the character involved revealed somewhat more. As it is, it feels slightly loose - open-ended.

I think the description of the umbrella is lovely. It makes you read the poem more then once- the second time, for me, being when I realized the poem was about an umbrella, and not a confused night sky. But that's good. A poem should have a balance between simplicity and complexity.

The only weakness I saw was in the last stanza:

a feeling of numbness
of despair and isolation;
I was no longer protected
but suddenly alone.

I would suggest using more original words than "numb" "despair" and "isolation." Its simply that readers see these words so often, they don't impact us anymore, and I can safely assume that your goal is to affect the audience by these emotions.[/quote]

Very beautiful. I never thought an umbrella could be so poetic. The only thing I didn't like, though it was hardly a problem, was that the second two stanza has slightly shorter lines than the first two stanzas.

Ecellent, responses!

there is no person in this poem

Really? No way! Of course there isn't, its about an umbrella. And it is deliberately ambiguous, how boring and dull would it be if I were to state outright what it was rather then let you come to that conclusion yourself? Answer=terribly.

Was it meant to touch you? Um, if Umbrellas are your type of thing ... as it is, that wasnt the intention.

To the rest of you, thank you for your responses.

I guess I just feel, Jiggity, that poetry has no purpose unless it touches the reader in some way. I'd recommend Ted Kooser's "The Poetry Home Repair Manual." He was the last poet laureate and actually was a visiting professor at my university last year. GREAT poet.

This was very well done Jiggity. I have only one complaint. there doesn't seem to be any recognizable rythem. It may just be me, but I think a little fiddling with this, and it could be a VERY good peice.