Lay of De Harain

This could definitely use some work. It’s something I’ve thought of doing for a year, but haven’t tried until tonight. Some of the rhythm is a little bit off—it needs some polishing. Suggestions wanted. Yes, I think it belongs here rather than the poetry section.

Lay of De Harain

When the wind’s cool breath chills your skin,
The next time let it reach your ear
For it whispers of ancient times--
It tells of Queen Iseld’s last Tear

For long ago, a world of old
Bore little difference from our own
Called De Harain in native tongue
With Queen Iseld atop her throne

Her beauty was a mystery
A legend ever few beheld
But more beguiling was the truth
Behind the face of Queen Iseld

Two beings of each other born
Were Queen Iseld and De Harain
Together in fate intertwined
One's burden was the other's bane

So her hair was dark and untamed
As the trees of the forests grew
Like the glimmering lakes and seas
Were Queen Iseld’s dark eyes of blue

The clearest raindrops from the storm
Fell, weeping from her troubled eyes
Her skin did glow bright as the moon
Her cheeks did redden with sunrise

An ancient, worldly queen, she was
Exulted by all—but just one
The Queen did have an enemy
The only life form she did shun


More. Soon . . . .

So you don't think this could go in dramatic poetry?? i really like this very much. I am very interested in the story and i love how it is a poem. However I think you should really work on keeping your language meaningful to what you are saying rather than to keep the integrity of the rhyme scheme. For instance if i were you i would really remove "albeit" from the 4th stanza. Maybe you could invert the syntax of some s the senetences or find some other way to say that without using a word as superflous as albeit. Also in the following stanza you use the word "too" I think mainly to maintain the continuity of the rhyming. I think you should probably also remove that too. Otherwise great job!!

Thanks for reading. I agree with that the rhyming scheme could use quite a bit of work, but I still want to keep the rhyming. It makes the story flow better, I think. Anyway, thanks again for your suggestions.

I liked much of your other work... and since this was fantasy I couldn't generally complain... I, myself, haven't written or read poetry for over 5 months now...

I think that the last stanza... shun... ... such... a strong word, man. It sounded a bit off in that stanza then the others, but I really liked this, so here... have all my points... I have no need for them.

Thanks for your points--though I don't really understand the purpose of points. Are they just so we can post in the randomness/lounge sections? Anyway, thanks so much for reading. Shun--it's kind of important later in the story, but I understand what you mean.

I'm sorry I didn't mean that you should remove the superfluous words but instead i meant that you should rewrite the portions containing the superfluous words so that they were adding to the story or were descriptive instead of just supporting the rhyme scheme. Sometimes you can invert the syntax of your senetences in order to be both true to the narrative as well as to the rhyme scheme. It is sort of an old-fashioned thing to do but i think it would work well with this poem. Anyway you've taken on something very ambitious and i really admire you for it. I know how amazingly difficult it is to do. And i can't even describe how often i have felt trapped by the rhyme scheme into saying something i don't really want to say. Again i think you have done a great job so far.

And i can't even describe how often i have felt trapped by the rhyme scheme into saying something i don't really want to say.

That captures about how I'm feeling right now. I appreciate your encouraging comments though--it's always nice to hear, and I agree with the fact that I should rewrite the sections that don't quite mesh with the rest of the story. Now, about inverting the syntax, could you elaborate on that a bit? It sounds like it could help quite a bit. PM me if you could explain that better. Thanks again for such a flattering review.

This was a compelling read - very nice to see legend/story poem so. It reminds me of Tolkien's poetry, epic, rhyming archaic in the best sense of the word and still vividly telling a tale. ^_^

As seems to have been noted, the meter not the rhyme seems off a bite at times. It might flow more evenly were each verse to begin, alternating, the same rhyme. You've got skin - old - mystery - born - 'tamed - storm (rhymed with born...) etc.

Those that rhyme - born and storm, push the flow excellently.

I want to read more, though. ^_^

Thanks for reading, Poor_Imp. I can't think of a more rewarding comment than to be compared to Tolkien. He was a master--and though I'm not a Lord of the Rings fan, I'm a huge fan of his writing style in general. My rhyming needs work--this will be up for major revision soon. In the meantime, here's more:



A woman of another form
A cruel mistress of deceit
Did find a soul of innocence
To help her plan the Queen’s defeat

As simply as the day began
De Harain began its descent
There was a shudder in the wind
As to work, Erleus went

He knew not why or how
But he felt uncommonly bleak
Making his way into the caves
Blocks of stone were what he did seek

For no wood was used in this world
The trees were no one’s right to own
Rocks supplied everyone’s demands
Hence was his job harvesting stone

And fire was a thing unheard of
In De Harain there was no need
The world was warm with fruit abound
Enough without industry’s greed

As Erleus took to striking
The quarry with his ax of stone
An ephemeral light was cast
Chilling the worker to the bone

A slave to curiosity
He unwittingly struck again,
But something in his heart did sink
When the spark’s new light ceased to wane

A Flame had blossomed in the dark
Forcing Erleus to his knees
Blinded by smoke and disbelief
Erleus’ mind the flame did seize

She first beheld his loyalty—
To Queen Iseld he was most keen
Second was his resiliency
A weakness was yet to be seen


More--soon . . . .

De Harain makes me think of D'Hara, from Terry Goodkind's work. Be careful with the choice of land name.

Ok I will do my best to explain inverted syntax. If anyone can do better, please feel free to correct me (and i am sure somebody can!)! Inverted syntax is the rearrangement of word order. For instance, ordinarily i would write "The boy sat on the chair" but if for some reason i wanted to have another sound at the end of that senetence i might write "Upon the chair the boy sat" or "On the chair sat the boy." There are many many variations of this. The above examples show the object of the senetence (the chair) inverted with the subject of the senetence (the boy) but there are also examples of people inverting the verb (sat) and the subject (boy). For instance that would look like "Sat the boy on the chair." Shakespeare used a lot of inverted syntax in order to place the syllables correctly in his iambic pentameter. i think that because your story is about something from a long time ago and because the language you have chosen sounds so ancient, there is a good chance using inverted syntax will work for this. Emily Dickenson also used alot of inverted syntax. I am going to include some samples of both so that you will see that when Emily Dickenson and Shakespeare do it, it is quite beautiful. (My example above, on the other hand, is not very beautiful at all.)

A soft sea washed around the house.
A sea of summer air,
And rose and fell the magic planks
That sailed without a care.
For captain was the butterfly,
For helmsman was the bee,
And an entire universe
For the delighted crew.
-Emily Dickinson



Sonnet 18

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all to short a date.
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed,
And every fair from fair sometimes declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimmed.
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possesion of that fair thou ow'st;
Nor shall death brag thou wand'rest in his shade
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see
So long lives this, and gives life to thee.

Anyway i italicized the most obvious lines using inverted syntax that i could quickly find. I think there may be others that i missed. I certainly saw a ton when i was looking through our Shakespeare. Maybe because this sonnet is so famous for some reason the lines i italicized seemed obviously inverted whereas in the other shakespeare we own the invertedness seemed more subtle. I hope this helps!!!

Wow!! I just saw your addition to the story. (Sorry i didn't see it sooner. I was too preoccupied by my inverted syntax post) It is beautiful!!! And you have done a beautiful job using inverted syntax. This is great! I am so excited and inspired by your work!

Thank you so much! That was a good explanation. I was pretty sure I knew what inverted syntax meant, but I just wanted to make sure. I really appreciate such encouraging comments, as well. Thanks.

Galatea: About the names: De Harain is actually my take on the Gaelic word, "Daearen" meaning "Earth." All the names have their roots in ancient languages, not from other stories I've read. But I appreciate your concern--I wouldn't want someone to think I had taken a name from another source.

But of course, she thought to herself
His weakness was his devotion
So she gave to him a vision
Filled with horror and false notion

Above all, the Flame desired
A cold revenge upon the world
From whence she was once forsaken
Her domination now unfurled

"The Flame will lead you to glory,"
She whispered softly in his ear
Her voice was sweetly venomous
While strong enough to instill fear

Enthralled by her strange, new beauty
Erleus extended his hand
The Flame evaded his caress
So Erleus gripped at the sand

"Touch not, but heed my words," said she
Ensnaring his every last sense
She filled his musings with terror
And all at Queen Iseld's expense

When he saw the face of the Queen
Erleus begged to be set free
But the Flame just rose, repeating
"The Flame will lead you to glory."

And thus the vision continued
With the Queen's hair turning to ash
Her eyes poured blood in place of tears
Her silken skin covered in rash

And De Harain was shattering
Scorched, blackened earth where once lived trees
Rivers bare, and no birds in sight
The air was thick with filthy breeze

Suddenly, fire rose above all
And Erleus let out a scream
But as the great Flame dwindled down
Relived tears from his eyes did stream

For once again, his Queen was whole
His wondrous world was lush and green
Silently, he lay, just breathing
Exhausted by all he had seen

The Flame now took her chance with him
Her voice as thunderous as the sea
"Without the Flame, the world will fall,
and your dear Queen no longer be."

"How can this be?" Erleus asked
The Flame's harsh heat making him sweat
"This threat has not been posed before,
so have we reason, now to fret?"

"Must I again show you the Queen?"
The flame to him spitefully spat
Quickly, Erleus called out, "No!"
And tried to stand from whence he sat

"How has this come to be?" he asked
His pounding heart still filled with doubt
"All things have an end," she told him
"Not De Harain!" he then did shout


Still more coming soon.

I'm still enjoyed this, Niamh - quite a bit. ^_^

A few points the meter, I think, breaks with longer words than you need, or extra.

He knew not why or how
But he felt uncommonly bleak
Making his way into the caves
Blocks of stone were what he did seek

With the archaic language, it might read more smoothly - 'He felt uncommon bleak."

"The Flame will lead you to glory,"
She whispered softly in his ear
Her voice was sweetly venomous
While strong enough to instill fear

Last line might be 'strong enough instill'd fear' and drop the 'to'.

And fire was a thing unheard of
In De Harain there was no need
The world was warm with fruit abound
Enough without industry’s greed

No punctuation in this bit...but the meter flows very well. ^_^ (Perhaps a period/full stop after 'need'?)

"Touch not, but heed my words," said she
Ensnaring his every last sense

'Every' sticks out, three syllables in the midst of the flow. Could it be 'his very last sense?

A few more comments then; the imagery of the fire, [her] showing Erleus the Queen - vivid. It does have the Lay-like tone and tale of Tinuviel's story in the Lord of the Rings. I'm sure when it's finished and revised it will flow nearly as well. ^_^