The Return

Spoiler

HI, this is something I'm writing for a magazine, the theme is REMNANT, as in a scrap, a fragment or what's left after something, but I need you geniuses approval before I submit, so guys please let me know what you honestly think about this. Thanks

Broken, burned, weak and weary
My soul,
Sapped by the burdens of half a lifetime,
Has made its journey from far places.

Here I am
An emissary of hope.
Seven mountains, seven rivers and seven valleys
My soul has returned.

The lion roams the barren land
Lands once filled with abundance
What is a king without his throne?

Broken spirits, sad and long faces
Here is what is left
The remains of the beauty of summer.

But all is not lost
Hope is restored by the traveler's stone
By the bitter sweet waters of Willamette
The king of Salem stood.

By the river, I sat and washed
My soul torn by the residue of lost years
By the river, I stood and watched
The promised land

The harp and the children playing
The light has come
Out of a remnant weak and small
Shall Zion spring forth
The hope of a thousand years restored.

Hello. I love your poem, it is beautiful yet simple and you have maintained the balance throughout. I only have a few comments.

Broken, burned, weak and weary
My soul, weakened by the burdens of half a lifetime,
Has made its journey from far places.

- Great way to introduce your poem. However, I am slightly troubled by the repetition of the word "weak." There are so many interesting synonyms that I wonder why one would use the same word twice. Perhaps you have your reasons for your word choice, but I personally enjoy variety.

The lion roams the barren land
Lands once filled with abundance
What is a king without its throne?

- I think this should be "what is a king without his throne." The use of the pronoun "it" implies non-sentience and this king, being a very remarkable presence in this piece, should be addressed accordingly.

Broken spirits, fallen trees, sad and long faces
Here is what is left
The remains of the beauty of summer.

- The first line is a bit choppy. The content is well and good but you've lost the parallel sentence structure you established. That is, one adjective per noun. Keeping with parallel sentence structures may seem pointless, but your flow is damaged by not adhering to the pattern. "Sad and Long faces" is the problem segment. I do like it though, so I am not sure which adjective to remove. What do you think?

Also, I am wondering why you do not choose to separate this into stanzas. Have you considered this? I do believe that the timing and the sequence of events in your poem could be much clearer by using stanzas. Generally when people choose not to employ stanzas, all of the writing involves one action (a thought, a feeling, an actual movement) elaborated on. However, yours takes us many places and covers many different plains. Therefore, perhaps stanzas would be a good idea.

Anyway, your poem is very powerful and very lyrical and your style is established and smooth. I think you have a very good chance of getting it published.

Aelita