The Master

Start of a short fantasy....

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Chapter One - Creation

The mauve sand swept onto the dunes and formed spiralling eddies around the feet of the Master. The sand was warm and soft but gritted as it moved about his naked ankles. The Master was unfazed; He looked onwards towards even more desert, all purple as the acres before.

The Master raised his hand and opened his mouth into a slit with his thin blue lips up and below it. He pressed them together again in a fiendish pattern and uttered his first word in two hundred years. “Bracken!”

His voice was dusty, and gravely, just like the sand. Air rose into his throat and scratched at the sides of it. “Bracken!” This time, more clear, less dusty and with more power.

His eyes widened and his pupils shrunk, his silver hair blew back with dyer force. His black teeth shimmered with the new moons light and He broke a smile. The Master fought for his position against the wind, a pebble against an avalanche. But He stayed. The Master stayed against all odds, He was unmovable, a mighty, concentrated force in a purple dessert. The wind rose even further and the desert was plunged into dawn time, the sky went bleak and a streak of lightning fell onto the earth.

“Bracken” The Master had spoken. His voice was louder than anything humanly possible, it carried throughout the entire desert, through the entire world, every grain of sand shook with his voice, He commanded and the desert obeyed. The lightning grew, thousands of streaks forked the earth at the call of Him. He looked to the sky and the rain fell, water upon water like one had never seen before.

The Master orchestrated the world now into a dark symphony, as He rose his hand the sand rose with it and formed a solid twister of destruction. The lightning hit it and spiralled into its craw to form an electrifying weapon, sending daggers of glass in all directions of the desert. It grew and grew, a monster of a sight, a power that no man had held before. And the Master commanded.

The Master lowered his hands and the purple sand, once again, swept at his naked ankles.

Adam101 wrote:Start of a short fantasy....

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Chapter One - Creation

The mauve sand swept onto the dunes and formed spiralling eddies around the feet of the Master. The sand was warm and soft but gritted as it moved about his naked ankles. The Master was unfazed; the Master looked onwards towards even more desert, all purple as the acres before.

This paragraph was a bit repetitive. You used the master twice in the same sentence. I would alter that.
The Master raised his hand and opened his mouth into a slit with his thin blue lips up and below it. He pressed them together again in a fiendish pattern and uttered his first word in two hundred years. “Bracken!”

His voice was dusty, and gravely, just like the sand, air rose into his throat and scratched at the sides of it. “Bracken!” This time, more clear, less dusty and with more power.

A period after saind and capitilize Air. I think it's a bit of a run on sentence.

His eyes widened and his pupils shrunk, his silver hair blew back with dyer force. His black teeth shimmered with the new moons light and he broke a smile. The Master fought for his position against the wind, a pebble against an avalanche. But he stayed. The Master stayed against all odds, he was unmovable, a mighty, concentrated force in a purple dessert. The wind rose even further and the desert was plunged into dawn time, the sky went bleak and a streak of lightning fell onto the earth.

“Bracken” The Master had spoken. His voice was louder than anything humanly possible, it carried throughout the entire desert, through the entire world, every grain of sand shook with his voice, he commanded and the desert obeyed. The lightning grew, thousands of streaks forked the earth at the call of Him. He looked to the sky and the rain fell, water upon water like one had never seen before.

The Master orchestrated the world now into a dark symphony, as he rose his hand the sand rose with it and formed a solid twister of destruction. The lightning hit it and spiralled into its craw to form an electrifying weapon. It grew and grew, a monster of a sight, a power that no man had held before. And the Master commanded.

I think this is cool but to add a little realisticness(Is that a word) I would add something about shards of glass or something. Ya know cause when lighting strikes sand it turns into glass. That's just my nerdy science half.

The Master lowered his hands and the purple sand, once again, swept at his naked ankles.

An incredible display of power. I am wondering if the Master is the good guy or bad guy. And i want to know what Bracken is or who. Cool fantasy beginning. I look forward to the next part.

IMVHO
Adam

Very engaging beginning. Makes you want to know who he is exactly.

I agree with Adam--you should make the first paragraph less repetative with your use of "the master." "He" or something else would make it flow smoother.

Ive updated it with corrections and also used a capital "h" for "He" to reiterate The Master's power. Thanks for the comments.

Chapter 2 – Destruction

The purple sand lay calm whilst the Master glided over it in twisted awe. His eyes focused on a single object, his brain child, his creation. The tear of His eyes shimmered and reflected darkness, a shadow of humanity: Bracken.

Bracken’s entire being was blacker than the night, it looked like a human shaped hole, leading to a different world. Its eyes matched and beat the majesty of the Masters, however they had no pupils, they were hollow and clean. Bracken had no emotion, it just stood, lifeless waiting to be beckoned by its’ master, the Master. The power of the elements had fed Bracken’s strength and the Master’s hands had dictated proportion, now for the testing.

The Master lifted his head slightly, his silver hair bounced back in the slight breeze. He, once again, pursed his lips to perform a word, “Forward!” Bracken looked and for several seconds did nothing, and then it raised its leg and made one large step. The desert trembled with Bracken’s movement.

The Master’s eyes glistened once again and the tears were dappled in the breeze that became warm with the Master’s emotion. The Master had created a life, a life that had the power of all the elements. He was the creator and Bracken was the destroyer, together they would conquer and the Master would rule.

The Master could not refrain from licking his thin lips; they soon dried in the heat. He licked them again. “Destroy the desert!” The Master’s voice was forceful carrying all the dominance of fire and the power of water. He extended his arms and his form lifted off the earth, higher and higher up to the sky but just enough so he could see what Bracken was doing.

Bracken rose its arm and slammed down towards the sand with almighty power. The sand rippled outwards and went on and on until the desert ended. The earth was forced upwards, like a quake. The ripples formed mountains, they pierced from the earth bringing a fiery liquid with them that scorched the rock and smoked the air.

The Master breathed in the smoke and flames, tasting the icy truth of Mastery.

When I have more time I'll come back and give this a good serious going over.

Thankyou, I look forward to more comments.

Very intriguing. Made me want to know who the Master is and what he's going to do with Bracken, besides how he became "the Master" in the first place. He must have an interesting past.

Bracken’s entire being was blacker than the night, it looked like a human shaped hole, leading to a different world. Its eyes matched and beat the majesty of the Masters, however they had no pupils, they were hollow and clean. Bracken had no emotion, it just stood, lifeless waiting to be beckoned by its’ master, the Master. The power of the elements had fed Bracken’s strength and the Master’s hands had dictated proportion, now for the testing.

I like your descriptions of Bracken, but this paragraph is all run-on sentences

Corrections in red

Bracken's entire being was blacker than the night; it looked like a human-shaped hole, leading to a different world. Its eyes matched and beat with the majesty of the Masters. However, they had no pupils and were hollow and clean--Bracken had no emotion. It just stood, lifeless, waiting to be beckoned by its master, [s] the Master[/s]. <we already know who its master is, so adding on "the Master" sounds a little redundant.> The power of the elements had fed Bracken's strength, and the Master's hands had dictated proportion. Now for the testing.

The Master’s eyes glistened once again and the tears were dappled in the breeze that became warm with the Master’s emotion.

This sentence confused me and could be clearer.

He was the creator and Bracken was the destroyer, together they would conquer and the Master would rule.

another run-on. I would make this two seperate sentences starting at "together."

I really like the rest of the chapter, especially the imagery of Bracken's strength against the desert. Keep it going--I wanna read more.

Thanks for the feedback.

You're welcome! ^^

Chapter 3 – Magery

Fyrne stood in a circle of fellow mages, looking up at the older men and then down at his 15 year old hands. They bore looks of severity: eyes unblinking, frowns dominant. Fyrne just had a duty and that was to do as they told him. He knew little of what was going on but as a mage he was forced into magical combat.

“A Master is among us,” an older mage spoke, his voice was frail. Fyrne turned to him and listened with intentness, he was the oldest mage there, and the wisest. The frail mage had seen the first and second of the magic wars and almost seen his last. He was now the head of the group, Fyrne treated him with respect. He kept quiet as the superiors spoke.

“A Master? But how can that be, they were all vanquished in the last war.” A robust man and several others whispered at this. The frail mage rose.
“That’s what we told you, the real Masters fled, there powers were thin. They went into dormancy for hundred of years to concentrate there magic.”
“LIES!” The robust man screamed.

Fyrne covered his ears at this but just enough to shelter the noise, he was curious about these Masters. The only magic he knew was combat magic in training, he had never heard of a Master before. He grew in curiosity and confidence and interrupted a growing silence.

“What are Masters?” The frail man turned to him with a glisten in his eye, a story was about to be told. The man took a breath and began.

“The Masters, were three men who ruled the land, the seas and the air for 5 millennia through magic that nature had never seen, their powers were beyond all human knowledge.” He paused and breathed again, his eyes wide at the remembrance.

“They were cruel times, lad, cruel times. The Masters were harsh, they enslaved all humans to their bidding, they had utter control. There powers became obsessions; they used to enjoy exercising the magic to insight death, pestilence and pain!” He breathed again, his face was white. Another mage brought him a drink. “Many lives were lost, m’boy, too many. But then something strange happened.” Fyrne gradually edged closer, wanting more of the story.

“What happened sir?” Fyrne asked with a slight forcefulness.
“The sky!” he stood up and stretched out his arms. All of the mages were transfixed on his story. “It became aflame, three billion comets fell to the ground and burned all civilisation made by the Masters.”

“Wow…” Fyrne found himself saying under his breath, “What happened to the Masters?”

“The fires burned there type of magic, wiped it away. The Masters were defenceless. Two were whipped to death by the people who were affected. The third escaped and fled beyond the rocky mountains and even passed the Evesblood ocean into a far off land. There they say that the one and only Master is rebuilding his power to one day rule the world again.

Fyrne kept interest throughout, when he had finished the realisation hit him. A real life sorcerer could be a threat; he could be fighting a real war. He was scared for once in his life. He shivered and looked around at the other mages, all too cold with fear.

The frail one looked around at each of his pupils, smiling. “You might actually do some work this time lads!”

“Sir, this Master, what exactly are his powers?”

“The Master has unlimited power, he can create and destroy. His weaknesses have never been fou—“
“—Then we must fly to meet this fiend,” the robust mage called. All agreed and one by one they lifted off the ground. Fyrne closed his eyes and felt the air underneath his feet and his cloak fluttering at his ankles. He breathed and shot off after his superiors.

anyone?

Hey Phorcys, here I am. ^_~ Showed up after all. (Chapter One Crit)

Phorcys wrote:The mauve sand swept onto the dunes and formed spiralling eddies around the feet of the Master. The sand was warm and soft but gritted as it moved about his naked ankles. The Master was unfazed; He looked onwards towards even more desert, all purple as the acres before.

Great first paragraph, but the second sentence doesn't seem right. "The sand was warm and soft but gritted as..." maybe gritty rather than gritted?

The Master raised his hand and opened his mouth into a slit with his thin blue lips up and below it. He pressed them together again in a fiendish pattern and uttered his first word in two hundred years. “Bracken!”

Once again, a very good paragraph, but a little awkward on the description of the lips. A lot of the first sentence is superfluous... do we need to know that his lips are above and below his mouth? Lol, most peoples' are... Maybe ...raised his hand and opened his think blue lips just enough to make a slit, just barely...

His voice was dusty, and gravely, just like the sand. Air rose into his throat and scratched at the sides of it. “Bracken!” This time, more clear, less dusty and with more power.

Wonderful, but for the middle of the first sentence. Gravely? Gravely is an adverb and here you have it modifying his voice/the sand. That doesn't work, perhaps just a simple grave would do better.

His eyes widened and his pupils shrunk, his silver hair blew back with dyer force.

Rather than "pupils shrunk", pupils dilated maybe?

The Master orchestrated the world now into a dark symphony, as He rose his hand the sand rose with it and formed a solid twister of destruction. The lightning hit it and spiralled into its craw to form an electrifying weapon, sending daggers of glass in all directions of the desert. It grew and grew, a monster of a sight, a power that no man had held before. And the Master commanded.

The Master lowered his hands and the purple sand, once again, swept at his naked ankles.

This here is very very good, and ultimately an exceptional ending to Chapter One... a lot of people, when the attempt this sort of ending end up coming across melodramatically (like me, lol) but this was very good. I like the last line, and how it echoes the beginning. ^_^

Pretty short chapter here again too, but easier to read than long ones... it's a good way to split it up. ^_^

Phorcys wrote:The purple sand lay calm whilst the Master glided over it in twisted awe.

I think "while" would work better than "whilst" for your pruposes here. By this point your reader's firmly in your world, and "whilst" feels to archaic and out of place here. You might want to consider changing that.

Bracken’s entire being was blacker than the night, it looked like a human shaped hole, leading to a different world. Its eyes matched and beat the majesty of the Masters, however they had no pupils, they were hollow and clean. Bracken had no emotion, it just stood, lifeless waiting to be beckoned by its’ master, the Master. The power of the elements had fed Bracken’s strength and the Master’s hands had dictated proportion, now for the testing.

Good, you've introduces Bracken nicely, but you're in danger of a run-on sentence when you're describing him. Sentence two is a little long and awkward. Maybe... It's eyes matched and beat the majesty of the Master's - however, they had no pupils, just a hollow, clean, lack of emotion. That way you could cut out the next sentence as well, if you wanted to...

The Master breathed in the smoke and flames, tasting the icy truth of Mastery.

Another good chapted ending, you're really developing the Master here... but one question - he's obviously powerful so why is this the only and first time he's "tasting the icy truth of Mastery"?

And now for Chapter Three... ^_~

Phorcys wrote:Fyrne stood in a circle of fellow mages, looking up at the older men and then down at his 15 year old hands. They bore looks of severity: eyes unblinking, frowns dominant. Fyrne just had a duty and that was to do as they told him. He knew little of what was going on but as a mage he was forced into magical combat.

Nice first line... but in the next sentence you're talking about severity, and at first it seems like you're describing his hands rather than the older men. You may want to structure that differently to avoid that.

“A Master is among us,” an older mage spoke, his voice was frail.

"...an older mage spoke, his voice frail..." You don't need the "was".

Fyrne turned to him and listened with intentness, he was the oldest mage there, and the wisest.

Another run-on - "...with intentness, for her was the oldest mage there, and the wisest..." The "for" in there would make it run smoother, I think...

“The Masters, were three men who ruled the land, the seas and the air for 5 millennia through magic that nature had never seen, their powers were beyond all human knowledge.” He paused and breathed again, his eyes wide at the remembrance.

Very good here, nice explanation of the Masters and therefore the first two chapters. ^_~

“Wow…” Fyrne found himself saying under his breath, “What happened to the Masters?”

With the feel of the narrative, the danger, the very circumstances and the world you've created here, "Wow" really doesn't work... you might want to consider having Fryne say something different in that context...

Fyrne kept interest throughout, when he had finished the realisation hit him.

Another rambling sentence. And you want to denote that the one "he" is the narrarator of this tale. Maybe - "...throughout, and only when the speaker had finished did the realisation hit him..."

This was very enjoyable to read, Phorcys. It held my interest, but wasn't at all difficult to read. I'd like to crit and read more of this... if you decide to post and more of "The Master", PM me and I'll come over and check it out. ^_~

Great start with this.