Stuck with Your Conscience

Spoiler

This is not one of my best poems, I know XD But I wanted to post it anyway =) Hope you enjoy and advise on how to make it better is always welcome XD

You have fear in your eyes,
For the judging words unspoken.
You have trembling hands,
Because it's innocence that they've broken.

Your future awaits you
And I can tell you it won't be pleasant,
For the crimes that you have committed
will not go without punishment.

Your conscience will torture you,
A little bit more after every mile.
You are desperately trying to run away,
But you can't run from your own sickened mind.

A young broken soul, left bleeding on the ground,
It's the only image you can still see.
Where once was the sound of innocent laughter,
Now aches a piercing scream of agony.

You can see your own heart fading,
A burden this big won't leave you unbroken.
Prepare for the sleepless nights, sir,
Because a painful chapter will soon be opened.

I really love this. It makes me think of some kind of bully or someone who's just a horrible person just getting whats been coming to them. I love the message and innerworkings of this. Nice work.

Hi! I love the message that this poem is trying to get across, like seeing into the mind of a bully. Some of the rhymes do seem a bit forced, and that takes away from the impact, however. Some of the stanzas seem a bit redundant, saying the same thing only with different words.

You have fear in your eyes,
For the judging words unspoken.
You have trembling hands,
Because it's innocence that they've broken.

Your future awaits you
And I can tell you it won't be pleasant,
For the crimes that you have committed
will not go without punishment. 'punishment' disrupts the flow, and it doesn't really rhyme with pleasant.

Your conscience will torture you,
A little bit more after every mile. I wouldn't put 'mile' here. It doesn't really make me feel anything.
You are desperately trying to run away, 'You desperately try to run away'
But you can't run from your own sickened mind. this doesn't flow... too many syllables? Try shortening it.

A young broken soul, left bleeding on the ground,
It's the only image you can still see.
Where once was the sound of innocent laughter,
Now aches a piercing scream of agony. I like the use of the word 'aches' in this line.

You can see your own heart fading,
A burden this big won't leave you unbroken. 'A burden like this won't leave you unbroken
Prepare for the sleepless nights, sir,
Because a painful chapter will soon be opened.

These were just some suggestions I had. In all, your poem is really good. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing.

You can see your own heart fading,
A burden this big won't leave you unbroken.
Prepare for the sleepless nights, sir,
Because a painful chapter will soon be opened.

This was so so good!

I love the thought that goes into your work, it's really touching and so enjoyable to read! Well done!

NightWriter x

Awesome!

Hello qaralynn! <3'

This was awesome! xD I loved it. But it slightly confusing. I was lost in between but *bLaaAAhHhh* xP
I at least understood. (Y)

Now here's what I have to tell you. Okaaaaa?? You, me and a lot of other people make this mistake. We begin every line with a capital letter. Why? I have no clue. I guess it makes it look better? But, yeah, back to the point. My friend told me that you don't need to begin every line of a poem with a capital letter. If your previous line ends with a full stop, it's okay. But if the previous line ends with a comma, you really don't need to begin the next one with a capital letter.It's the same like writing your notebooks or essays. Think it that way.


And this was a pretty good stanza:

qaralynn wrote:Your conscience will torture you,
A little bit more after every mile.
You are desperately trying to run away,
But you can't run from your own sickened mind.

And this one too:

qaralynn wrote:A young broken soul, left bleeding on the ground,
It's the only image you can still see.
Where once was the sound of innocent laughter,
Now aches a piercing scream of agony.

Overall: Good job! If you work a little more, this is awesome awesome awesome! Lol. I shall give this a 9/10. (Y)

Keep Writing! *munches on chocolate sticks*. Want one? xP

Cookie ^.^