Confession

My soul, doomed by my generation,
Is willing to confess the pain and salvation,
That once came and left or even stayed,
Deciding the might of my damnation.

I hereby confess that I’m a liar,
An outsider with my own creed,
A sinner without any knowledge,
And I’m doomed with constant need.

I hereby declare that I’m a man
Of my own honor and beliefs,
That the world has heard my steps,
Even when I’m lost in the Deeps.

Let it be my memorial when I die
And let it be my motto while I live;

I am Jeffrey Murray,
And I have no regrets.
May my name be known
As I fulfill my debts.

Spoiler

The Deeps is the English term for the Hebrew Tehom, found in the opening verses of the Book of Genesis. Tehom, literally the Deep or Abyss, refers to the Great Deep of the primordial waters of creation in the Bible.

Hi there!
I've got to say I loved it. The flow was so good and the meaning was easy to understand. I loved the rhyming too. Honestly, I think it doesn't need any fixing. Pretty perfect from my point of view. Keep writing.

I really like this, it sounds really professional... like very some-poet-I-can't-remember-the-name-of-lol-sorry-esque. Very few people can make the rhyming thing work, so good job! I actually didn't even notice the rhyme, I just thought it flowed well. It's really heavy, emotion-wise. I like how it's not very specific about why you feel this way because it lets the reader put his or her own meaning to it and relate. Love it!

Hey, Shinda!

I do very much like this poem. The rhyme patterning and the whole conceptual idea of this as being a 'confession' really complement each other. The way the persona (Jeffrey is you, I'm assuming ) is baring his soul and admitting as well as proclaiming his deeds has been well described.

The first stanza was my favourite. Unique and very well executed is this piece. I'm looking forward to reading more from you. Keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza

Shinda,

I like the concept for this poem and I like how there's a powerful voice behind the words. It really gives off this sense of determined conviction which is nice. So while the voice is great, the words and content as a poem does not work so much. What's lacking here is imagery.

A poem aims for the reader to experience something. There are all kinds of poems out there, but as for the good ones, they nearly have one thing in common and that is providing the reader with a direct experience. When a poet talks of rain, I better be able to feel drenched in it. To smell it. To taste it. To hear it. When you ground your poems with sensory details and vivid images, then you will have achieved that aim.

Where are the metaphors? The similes? These are just techniques that poets use in order to implement these abstract concepts into a direct experience.

I mean, there are a lot of lofty abstractions thrown out there that sort of muddle what it is you're truly trying to say- I don't really get a sense of emotion, I don't get a sense of anything for this poem, hours from now, I'll have forgotten it - and the problem, like I've already stated, is the lack of concreteness. The lack of zeroing in on to the precise thing you want to convey. I mean, if you think about it - everybody has their own unique idea of what "sin" and "salvation" is. Same thing with love and freedom and all the other abstractions, we all have our own unique experience and perception of these things and if, in a poem, you merely "tell" us things, you merely insert the words in your poem -- we're ot going to have any deeper grasp or understanding of these things. You have to "show".

Here I sum up my entire review in three words, "Show, don't tell" Good ol' YWS words of wisdom.

I hope this helps, if you have any questions or comments, feel free to let me know.

~ as always, Audy

Ooh, a rarity! A rhyming (non-professional) poem that I like.

The rhythm is the best part of this; just a few bumps that I wish to amend. In my (not-so-)humble opinion:
"Am outsider with my own creed" would sound and flow better here as "An outsider within my own creed."
This also adds a parallel with the next line.
I think the last line of that same stanza could use an extra syllable. Although that's the sing-song part of me speaking, so feel free to ignore it.

Overall, a nice personal poem, "Jeffrey." Although it would be a bit more personal if it either had more length or less structure. Keep writing!