Temple of Innocence

Sorry people...

I have to take this piece off, because I'm submitting it to a contest. Wish me luck!

This is the only part I didn't like:

Come, take my hand, and let me take you to another world. Yes, I'll take you to my world; I want you to be a part of it.

It just seemed so...cliche? And for me, it didn't fit in with the rest of the piece.

But besides that...Wow. I really liked it. Great work.

Meh, love stories are all cliche.

This was very beautifully written. The language was strong. It was all very indirect, yet very clear and understandible. I love it!

Gorgeous, mystical!

The imagery was beautiful... this absolutely floored me. I LOVE it. I give you a 10 out of an undisputed 10. ^_^

Delicate, intriguing, alluring... and ultimately with a message very well done.

All right! So, I shall rant for a bit and then...you WILL enjoy it.

STUFF YOU DID WELL:

- AMAZING imagery- indeed, very eloquent and pretty. Especially for what basically amounts to a sex scene.

But...you've heard that much already, so I assume you don't need me to elaborate.

- I also really did like that you did create a sort of haunting effect, even if the plot was fairly simple. It was short, but your audience is going to remember it.

STUFF THAT COULD USE A SECOND LOOK:

- The comment about the 'anklets hinting songs of the ancient' doesn't make a whole lot of sense- unless you're referring to the sound they make against the marble. I would mention that, in any case- otherwise it's just a lot of words for no real purpose.

- If you're hiding from evil, you're also probably hiding from the equivalent of Satan. Redundancy isn't good when you're going for the whole pretty, flowy aspect of prose.

- Fairy-ness is an awkward and sort of 'Well, I didn't know what else to put' phrase for a guy who's really had no problem with words up to this point. I'd change that phrase.

Well! Not much else to say, but you most definitely deserve a cookie. Or at least some points...