Land of The Immortal

This place, is magic to me,
it's where we met on a summers night,
you were smiling,
and we danced till sunrise.
This place is enchanted,
it can take me back to 15 and happy,
before babies and bills, when we were in love still.
This is the place where the sun meets the earth,
and the moon takes it's nap.
This is the place where babies come from and,
where we fell in love.
This is the place that makes us gorgeous and young,
makes me remember falling in love,
and the simple sensation of my first kiss, o the bliss.
This place is my heaven,
my forever and always,
when I die bury me here where forever I'll watch the sunrise.
This is my happy place, my place of contentment,
through the divorce and the fights I come back to this place,
I come back to tonight when we I was 15 and sweet and you meant everything.
This place is heaven, the place is forever, this is the land of the immortal.

Hello! I thought this poem was really sweet. I liked the length. Is it in a certain format or just blank verse? (I'm just asking because I wondered if there was a specific reason where and why you put it in the way you did.)

These are some suggestions:

This place, is magic to me,
it's where we met on a summers night.
You were smiling
and we danced till sunrise.
This place is enchanted,
it takes me back to 15 and happy,
before babies and bills, when we were in love still.
This is the place where the sun meets the earth (no comma here)
and the moon takes it's nap. (I love this line!)
This is the place where babies come from and (Again, no comma.I'm not sure what you meant about 'where babies come from'? )
where we fell in love.
This is the place that makes us gorgeous and young,
makes me remember falling in love,
and the simple sensation of my first kiss, o the bliss.
This place is my heaven,
my forever and always,
when I die bury me here where forever
I'll watch the sunrise. (Love this line, too!)
This is my happy place, my place of contentment,
through the divorce and the fights I come back to this place.
I come back to tonight when we I (just a typo) was 15 and sweet and you meant everything.
This place is heaven, this is the land of the immortal. (I think since immortal implies that it is forever, you don't need the 'this place is forever' part.)

I love the hopeful and bittersweet voice through all of this. Never stop writing!

Hello there,
The first thing that dragged me here is the title .... as you could probably see from my own style of writing I love this type of poetry ... I am a bit of a poet myself and found your poem very interesting! ;3
Lorna
xx



This place, is magic to me,
it's where we met on a summers night,
you were smiling,
and we danced till sunrise. I Absoloutly love the beginning 3 lines ... so beautifully romantic!
This place is enchanted,
it can take me back to 15 and happy,
before babies and bills, when we were in love still. Love the slight rhyme there
This is the place where the sun meets the earth,
and the moon takes it's nap.
This is the place where babies come from and,
where we fell in love.
This is the place that makes us gorgeous and young,
makes me remember falling in love,
and the simple sensation of my first kiss, o the bliss.
This place is my heaven,
my forever and always,
when I die bury me here where forever I'll watch the sunrise. My favorite line xx
This is my happy place, my place of contentment,
through the divorce and the fights I come back to this place,
I come back to tonight when we I was 15 and sweet and you meant everything.
This place is heaven, the place is forever, this is the land of the immortal. Poems that reffer to the title as the last line really have a dramatic fell around them and this definately works!!

Oh, very well done! Beautiful poem that at first glance, I wasn't expecting it to flow well with the lines varying in length so much but it really works here! I love the flow, each line leads into the other quite nicely. The beginning few lines sets the mood nicely and the last lines work perfectly. I loved this and I can't seem to find much of anything wrong with it. Your style is different but it works, the format can be a little misleading, since I was expecting it to have some problems with flow, but there were none, I assure you. Very interesting poem, I loved it.

Keep up the great work! I look forward to reading more from you.
-Greena