SOS

Spoiler

This poem is loosely based on the song [&] Delinquents by Woe Is Me. A line specifically stood out to me was: Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. Enjoy!

SOS

I boil beneath my skin.
It is the mask I have been deposited in.
Why can’t anyone see this prison?
Can’t they see the code
I have tattooed over my eyes?
I stretch and scream but it doesn’t care,
Fastening tighter, suffocating me;
Pushing the person I try so hard to be
Deeper and deeper into oblivion.
Wonder if I’m the only one
In this most vulnerable state?
Trapped inside with my demons.

Creepy. But that's why I like it. One thing--the word pupils is a little awkward. Check out some synonyms, maybe.
I'm guessing this is about a person who's trying to be someone who's she's not, and it's really wearing on her. I like the verse "I stretch and scream but it doesn't hear" and the first verse, I like especially. Is it that mask that isn't hearing? or the people who forced her in to it?
Anyway. Champion!

Nice. Emotional. Eloquent. Good job. I agree about the pupils though. Find a synonym.

So I like the start, but I'm having trouble relating. Maybe the poem just isn't for me, and that's why I'm having trouble relating, but these are my suggestions:


I boil beneath my skin. What boils?? You boil....beneath yourself? I would suggest using something other than "I," just to give it more emotion. For example "My blood boils beneath my skin" or "My best boils beneath my skin"
It is the mask I have been deposited in. I love this line, but deposited sounds....off....maybe try a different word? Maybe concealed? Or something like that....?
Why can’t anyone see this prison?
Can’t they see the cipher Again this word just sounds.....off.... but I don't know what else you could put.
I have tattooed over my pupils? Throws off the rhyme scheme, but that's not a big deal.
I stretch and scream but it doesn’t tear, What doesn't tear? The prison? The mask? Something else? Explain
Fastening tighter, suffocating me;
Pushing the person I try so hard to be
Deeper and deeper into oblivion.
Wonder if I’m the only one
In the most vulnerable state? This line is deep, but it throws me off....Maybe try to make it rhyme with "oblivion?" I feel like that would make it flow better.

Over all, good job Keep writing!

~Tina