Wake Me Up

annaseale1998

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Points 1931

Reviews 52

Wed Nov 02, 2011 8:25 pm

annaseale1998 says... · Wed Nov 02, 2011 8:25 pm

Spoiler

This was inspired by 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner', and I wrote it my school music lesson, scribbling under the desk

Wake me up straight from my dreams
Race me down to the nearest quay
And when we're ready, sail it steady
Out into the deep blue sea

Wake me up and lead the way
Before I say goodbye
Then we'll sail, away from hail
And into the cloudless sky

Wake me up from plaguing nights
And kiss me on the bow
Then all around there'll be the sound
Of waves against the prow

Wake me up straight from my dreams
Then make them come alive
Because that's where I'd prefer to hide
If only you'd believe

"For whether a place is a hell or a heaven rests in yourself, and those who go with courage and an open mind may find themselves in Paradise." - Eva Ibbotson (Journey to the River Sea)

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star12

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Points 300

Reviews 0

Wed Nov 02, 2011 8:56 pm

star12 says... · Wed Nov 02, 2011 8:56 pm

I realy like this poem and how u started it with the same line for every verse. i really hope to read more of your poems.

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Arciade

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Points 915

Reviews 1

Wed Nov 02, 2011 10:37 pm

Arciade says... · Wed Nov 02, 2011 10:37 pm

Wake me up straight from my dreams
Race me down to the nearest quay
And when we're ready, sail it steady
Out into the deep blue sea

Wonderful, but the first line doesn't sit right with me for some reason. Dreaming isn't intrinsic to sleep, so I would have preferred if you had said 'Wake me up straight from my sleep', unless these dreams are essential to the content of the poem. That's just my personal preference, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. ^^

Wake me up and lead the way
Before I say goodbye
Then we'll sail, away from hail
And into the cloudless sky

I'm in love.

Only thing I can suggest for improvement is this: You don't place an article before 'hail', but you do before 'cloudless sky'. I'd say a possible improvement would be the omission of the definite article before 'cloudless sky' (or the opposite: insertion of the definite article before 'hail'). I believe it would improve the flow.

Wake me up from plaguing nights
And kiss me on the bow
Then all around there'll be the sound
Of waves against the prow

Marvelous. Nothing to be said here.

Wake me up straight from my dreams
Then make them come alive
Because that's where I'd prefer to hide
If only you'd believe

Mon Dieu. If your dreams are 'plaguing', do you really want them to come alive? xD This stanza takes a very dark turn, and I like it.

I've noticed that you've not used any punctuation at the end of your lines. I would have you revise that; it would help the form and the effect of the poem quite a bit. For example, if you wrote:

Wake me up straight from my dreams,
Then make them come alive.

We start 'Wake me up straight from my dreams', precisely as the first stanza began. A comma leads us into the next line, where we expect something similar to the preceding stanzas. Instead, 'Then make them come alive'. This is very unexpected, and the period, in effect, says 'bang!' We're hit by the weight of the words, and the effect is made so much more apparent.

Very good piece! I look forward to seeing more of your writing. ^^

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alannakay

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Points 991

Reviews 1

Thu Nov 03, 2011 12:28 am

alannakay says... · Thu Nov 03, 2011 12:28 am

Hey, so I loved the poem. You wove some really good imagery in there, and you set the mood perfectly. The anaphora at the beginning of each stanza ("Wake me up...") adds a lot of style and contributes to the seafarer/sailor vibe you have going in here.

I love the beginning of the last stanza.

Wake me up straight from my dreams
Then make them come alive

But the part that comes next, at least for me, doesn't seem to flow.

Because that's where I'd prefer to hide
If only you'd believe

I think the "because" at the beginning of the line kind of impedes the flow when you read the stanza aloud. It seems a little wordier than necessary. I'm totally nitpicking though.

This poem is seriously great. Love the whole thing.

"You've gotta swim, don't let yourself sink. Just find the horizon, I promise you, it's not as far as you think. The will drag us away from our love. Just keep your head above."
--Jack's Mannequin <3

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Seraph

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Points 2340

Reviews 28

Thu Nov 03, 2011 1:05 am

Seraph says... · Thu Nov 03, 2011 1:05 am

Wow. That is truly a work of art! I could connect to it so much. Dreams and reality, one seems like it should be in the place of another. I know what that's like so, you have conveyed a very powerful message within these words. I loved it beginning to end and I highly suggest that you continue to write. I hope to be seeing more from you! Thanks for sharing this great piece of poetry with us!

"At this very instant, I augment the spacetime that permeates and weaves our beings."

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