Young Writers Society

I find it hard to breathe
These thoughts that torture me by day;
And nightmares that poison me by night
But I can’t seem to recall
Am I still beside you?

As I watch the clouds turn black,
I find myself stranded in darkness
Then a tragic surprise halts my lungs
I remember it so well then,
Your skin so cold beneath my touch.

My own thoughts draw blood
Everywhere I can’t escape you.
I can’t shake the fear of your extinction,
‘Cause I can still smell your presence;
Of your dripping blood and glowing skin.

It hurts to breathe
I can’t forget even if I close my eyes
I see your face and feel the pain
Across my head, it’s still bleeding
The moment you said, “We’re dead”.

I step into my senses now
To shatter all my darkness;
And to find some control,
Starve myself from your sensation
But you’re still whispering to me
So I’ll never forget.

That was Dramatic! Really nice and touching. The metaphors were well used. The feelings were well expressed. Even the selection of words were good. The last line's sounding a bit incomplete. Maybe, in place of "I'll" you could use "I can" so that the meaning comes out better. "I find it hard to breathe" and "It hurts to breathe" are sounding a bit monotonous out here. All together the poem had a sense of grief and sorrow which was expressed beautifully. Keep up the work. Keep writing.

It was a very nice poem. The darker shades of the poem is expressed very nicely. Also, the sadness of the poem went very nicely with the dark shade of the poem. However, you could have made it much better and there were little mistakes here and there if you squint not that it will affect the concept of the poem but it could have made the poem more nice and beautiful.anyway, overall, great Poem!! Keep writing.