Arrival of monsoon

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Once upon a time
It was a starless and a moonless night
I was sitting on a chair by the window,
Looking upto the sky.

The sky looked dark and empty
Soon there was a stir and,
The tension increased in the air
The wind picked up the night stopped,
The sky above seemed to be in chaos.

There was a flash of lighting
That illuminated the night
For I brief moment everything froze
As if it was a picture that
Had been captured by a camera.

Suddenly, I was thrown back to reality
Everything made sense to me
The dark curtains were raised
I could see black and grey clad angels

They stood on the stage…ready…to begin
The dark night smiled at me
As lighting struck at a distance
The thunder too clapped happily
Followed by the trees who,
were swaying with the wind.
It meant that the show has started.

There was a low hum,
And the angels started dancing
As if in some kind of trance,
They danced in a rhythm,
Changing their pace rapidly.

They swayed their hands,
They moved their feet,
They released their power
Bestowing upon us blessings from god
In the form of little drops of water..

The night sighed in content
The soil quenched its thirst
It seemed like as if the
whole universe was rejoicing.

The night now seemed to be full of life
As the frogs started their happy songs
That echoed in the night,
I retired for the night relieved
that monsoon has arrived.

As I lay on my bed
I could still hear the beautiful melody
Ringing in my ears, like lullaby.
As, drifted away to sleep I could feel
that the night was not dark anymore
and even if the night looked
darker than black, I could
feel the happiness that radiated from the night.

As, the night glowed with happiness that day,
I finally drifted off to sleep
and my last thought: At last! Monsoon has arrived.
Last edited by ERZA on Fri Nov 04, 2011 12:37 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Always and Never are two words to always remember never to use.




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Hi ERZA.

Your poem is beautiful. I love that it's narrative, and how it starts with something simple as, "Once upon a time". Even though some people may not like it because that phrase is worn out, I do, just for the fact that this is not a stroy, this is a poem and it makes it look simple and beautiful as it is.

Now...

In the first stanza, there should be a space between "up" and "to", you missed that. Also, in the fifth stanza I don't really find the eclipses necessary, I find them kind rather distracting. I'd take them off, but that's just my opinion.

That's pretty much all I've gotta say. Oh, but I just noticed you're just thirteen? Wow. Amazing! You keep it up, kid! ^_^ I'd love to read more from you. Keep Writing!

~Solly<3
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."




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I am a bad reviewer. I don't like meddling with other person's stuff. I just like giving them thumbs up, unless they don't ask me, it feels as if I am going to commit a sin and I know it. Lol, my conscience, my apologies

Alright, just a few things before I really appreciate your work:
Try forming a structure, I say that repeatedly. Of course free verse doesn't require that but it would so nice if you form a structure. Like A fixed number of lines per stanza. You can switch too if you like, like 454545 or etc. It will add an essence of form and beauty. And it is entirely up-to you. Don't limit yourself to stuff, I'd add. Do whatever you feel like writing or making, we poets and writers have the authority =P

It was so nice, just like lying in your bed with a window that opens to the gardens or the world outside. Or I am reminded of R.L Stevenson's 'Vagabond' in which he depicts the wonders of life when he would just run away and live with the nature, alone and free

It was cute. Keep it up.

Love
A Purple Daffodil
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“Never take a person's dignity: it is worth everything to them, and nothing to you.”

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Well.. so is yours
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Now, that was some poetry!! Awesome!I especially liked the comparison with angels. :-) The descriptions were lovely which made the poem all the more beautiful. Just one thing I had to say here-
"There was a low hum,
And the angel started dancing
As if in some kind of trance,
They danced in a rhythm,
Changing their pace rapidly."
You're talking about the angel-one angel, that is-so from where did the "they" come. And one more thing, if "they danced in a rhythm", a change in the "pace" sounds a bit odd. A rhythm can't have a change the pace. Well, it's poetry after all. Rules of Science hardly matter. So, overall, marvelous poetry! :-)
Imperfection is beauty,
Madness is genius,
And it's better to be absolutely ridiculous
Than to be absolutely boring... :-D




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Dang, I can't review this but it was a good read!
"Alas! Monsoon has arrived." Nonono! Be happy! :D
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.




'Tis the season to shovel enormous amounts of watermelon into your mouth while hunched over the cutting board like a dehydrated vampire that hasn't fed on blood in four hundred years and the only viable substitute is this questionable Christmas-colored fruit.
— Ari11