The Sunset

Something from the archives of my life. I think I wrote this a year ago. Enjoy.

The Sunset

The waning light glanced off the bay
piercing the sand near were I lay.
A beautiful paradise all alone
while the sun in the sky dimmer shone.

The air cooled as the sun submerged
under the horizon of the earthly verge.
Such a wondrous sight only He could form
which with all its beauty even cynics can't scorn.

Great job! It had kinda weird rhythm, but loved overall! No crit.

Well, well, well! Rhyming is not so childish after all! I loved the descriptions in this poem and I almost felt like I was there. Please tell me you wrote this one though...

- Mirage

Liked this very much, IceCreamMan! Gorgeous images, but it seemed to end a little abruptly. I wanted to keep reading!

Dream Deep wrote:Liked this very much, IceCreamMan! Gorgeous images, but it seemed to end a little abruptly. I wanted to keep reading!

Yea, well I wrote it as filler material for one of those "my life" writing assignments teachers love to give where you have to come up with several pages of boring autobiographical material, and include some poetry or short stories you have written. And that was about the size space which I had to fill. No me gustan estas tareas!

Make it bigger, like DD said. Nice work.

while the sun in the sky dimmer shone.

there MUST be a better way to say this. there must be...

otherwise, nice. you keep the rhythm in the rhyme.

Beautiful, and the rhyming was maginificent, except for perhaps the last line. If you could find a more appropriate way to end the poem, it would be perfect. But despite that, it is still great. The imagery, like Dream Deep mentioned, is very pretty. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with the length.

A beautiful paradise all alone
while the sun in the sky dimmer shone.

I'm pretty sure this doesn't rhyme, unless Americans pronounce one of these words differently..

The last line could be improved as well - it seems a little too long at the moment, and it could perhaps be worded better.

Apart from that though, t'was beautiful. I'm assuming 'He' is God. Love the imagery, and I'll be looking for more stuff from you.

*two thumbs up*

~Kay

Beautiful imagery which were strong for the reader to visualise. This was really well written. Good Job!

Lovely rhyme and images in the first stanza; in the second, the rhyme seemed a bit forced and I think the rhythm got messed up. It could be longer, but maybe you've said everything you want to in two stanzas. If so, I wouldn't make it longer because it would probably sound forced.

Nice work!

YEA!!!! Some one who rhymes!!!!!!!! That was very well done. Very descriptive, and very neat rythem. Wonderful poem. I want more!

Whoa, this is actually quite good. I loved it, and it had great imagary, but it'd be nicer if it had more. It ends so soon and leave my dangling.