Young Writers Society


"Please... stop it!"

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He was a little guy. One of the smallest kids in the class. He had curly, fire red hair, the most shocking green eyes, and glasses. Everyday he walked to and from school, along a dangerous route. In his school there was a gang of boys who were of the worst sort. Always picking on him, and to his disappointment, took the same route as him.

It all started in 1st grade, kept going for 4 more years. Everyday, the teasing. the taunting... the pain. He begged his parents to do something, his dad said he just needed to be a man and deal with it. Smaller and smaller inside he grew, he walked with a shuffle, he never looked at anyone. No one knows his pain, he was so alone. He asked the gang to leave him alone, but that just made it worse.

His 10th birthday came, he never had a party, he never had friends. His parents gave him a brand new baseball bat, for he loved to play the game. That day he took it with him to school, to play in the field, alone. He was walking home alone, treasuring that bat.

Out of the trees, five of the toughest boys in that gang jumped out. Surrounding him and his treasured bat. ''Hey fire-top, where'd ya get that bat huh? Looks pretty nice, why don't you give it to us.'' The largest one leered. The little boy shook his head and tried to keep walking, two of the gang blocked his way. He tried going around but they pushed him down onto the gravel. He stared at them, all the years of hurt and abuse sparking in his eyes. Standing up he gripped the bat in his hand. He swung it at the gang, making the air whiz with the force. The gang jumped back in surprise, ''Whoa now little guy, don't be swinging it like that, you're gonna hurt someone.''

He swung again, smacking the leader across the head. The leader fell over and lay still, blood trickling onto the dirt. The boy gripped the bat tighter and glared at the other four, his eyes hard and cold. They scattered as the boy wiped off the bat and kept walking home, trembling with anger.

The next day he left the bat at home, just in case. After school he walked home slowly, lost in thought. Out of the shadows jumped a large, guy, nearly a man. He twisted the boy's arms behind his back as a second teen jumped in front of him. Both teen's faces hardened with anger. ''You cracked a bat across my little brothers head did you? You'll pay for that.'' The older teen started to punch the poor boy hard, hurting all over his body as he trembled and screamed with pain. They broke his jaw, and then some. They bloodied him, bruised him, till he was motionless and completely helpless.

They left him, lying on the road, his arm was broken, a few ribs, his was bloodied and bruised. When he opened his eyes, he couldn't move. He cried to himself, pain and anguish in his soul as he tried to get up, but he couldn't. An old man came out of the trees and kneeled by him, ''I saw what happened, sonny. Lets get you to the hospital and I'll call your parents.'' The boy nodded slightly, his face twisted with pain.

At the hospital his mother and father stayed by their son. His mother was crying and holding onto his hand, his father looked at him sadly, ''I'm sorry we didn't listen to you sooner. Don't worry, you'll never have to deal with them again.'' The boy stared up at his father questioningly. His father shook his head and sat down in a hospital chair, watching his only son.

When he got out of the hospital, he went to school twice, but his father drove him, the next day he was gone. No one knew where he went. No one knew why.



But you and I know, he left that town, and never went back, the abuse, the torment, was too much. Maybe he could've stayed. Maybe he could've had friends. But no one believed him, till it was too late, and now he is gone... Don't let this happen to anyone else. Be there, be strong...
“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”

"Foul devil, for God's sake, hence, and trouble us not;
For thou hast made the happy earth thy hell,
Fill'd it with cursing cries and deep exclaims." (Richard III 1.2) Shakespeare




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This would be really good in one of those anti-bullying magazine things.
It's interesting and there were no typo that I noticed but it did seem bit unbelieveable, the parents seem very understanding at the end.
Also what happened to the guy the kid hit with the bat? and who were the people who beat up the kid?
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.




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the kid who got hit with the bat... don't know? The kids who beat him up a second time were the kid who got hit with the bat's brother and friend if you saw... "'You cracked a bat across my little brothers head did you? You'll pay for that.''
“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”

"Foul devil, for God's sake, hence, and trouble us not;
For thou hast made the happy earth thy hell,
Fill'd it with cursing cries and deep exclaims." (Richard III 1.2) Shakespeare




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Sorry, missed that bit.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.




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Points 890
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In this sentence you switch from the consistent past tense you have going to present tense:
No one knows his pain, he was so alone.

It should probably be No one knew his paint, he was so alone.

Out of the trees, five of the toughest boys in that gang jumped out. Surrounding him and his treasured bat.

You might want to consider merging this into one sentence. Make the period after "out" into a comma, make "surrounding" lower case and you're all set.

''Hey fire-top, where'd ya get that bat huh? Looks pretty nice, why don't you give it to us.''

"Hey, fire-top. Where'd ya get that bat, huh? Looks pretty nice; why don't you give it to us?"
^Note the commas I added, The sentence I broke up, the semicolon (not so sure about this, somebody correct me about the use of the semicolon if I'm wrong), and the question mark at the end.

The little boy shook his head and tried to keep walking, two of the gang blocked his way. He tried going around but they pushed him down onto the gravel.

The little boy shook his head and tried to keep walking, but two of the gang blocked his way. He tried going around, but they pushed him down onto the gravel.

Standing up he gripped the bat in his hand.

Standing up, he gripped the bat in his hand.

The gang jumped back in surprise, ''Whoa now little guy, don't be swinging it like that, you're gonna hurt someone.''

The gang jumped back in surprise. "Whoa now, little guy, don't be swinging it like that. You're gonna hurt someone."
^Run-on sentences are evil. It's okay to break things up. :wink:

The next day he left the bat at home, just in case.

I don't understand this. Is he leaving the bat home just in case they come back to try and take it again? Because honestly, to me it seems like it'd be a better idea for him to take it with him for protection.

Out of the shadows jumped a large, guy, nearly a man.

You don't need that first comma in front of the word "guy".

''You cracked a bat across my little brothers head did you? You'll pay for that.''

Stick a comma in between "head" and "did you".
"Brothers" should be "brother's" with the apostrophe, because it's possessive.

The older teen started to punch the poor boy hard, hurting all over his body as he trembled and screamed with pain.

Hurting all over his body? I don't understand this sentence. Does the boy's body hurt all over? Is the teen hurting the boy all over? Be a little more specific.

They broke his jaw, and then some. They bloodied him, bruised him, till he was motionless and completely helpless.

They left him, lying on the road, his arm was broken, a few ribs, his was bloodied and bruised.

They bloodied him and bruised him, till he was motionless and completely helpless.
^Also, if he's motionless, it pretty much goes without saying that he's completely helpless. So you don't need to say he's helpless.

his was bloodied and bruised.

he was bloodied and bruised.
They broke his jaw, ribs, and arm? Isn't that a bit much just for hitting someone's little brother over the head?

This is also a little repetitive. You said, They bloodied him, bruised him, and in the next paragraph you say, his was bloodied and bruised.. Think of a different way to say this the second time without repeating yourself.

An old man came out of the trees and kneeled by him, ''I saw what happened, sonny. Lets get you to the hospital and I'll call your parents.''

Make the comma after "him" and right before the dialouge a period.
And this disturbs me: if the old man is so nice and helpful, why did he just stand there and watch while the boy was beaten up? Why didn't he do something?

From here it gets a little rocky.
At the hospital his mother and father stayed by their son. His mother was crying and holding onto his hand, his father looked at him sadly, ''I'm sorry we didn't listen to you sooner. Don't worry, you'll never have to deal with them again.'' The boy stared up at his father questioningly. His father shook his head and sat down in a hospital chair, watching his only son.

"His mother was crying and holding onto his hand, and his father looked at him sadly."
"his only son"
^This isn't very significant to the story. I would take it out.

When he got out of the hospital, he went to school twice, but his father drove him, the next day he was gone. No one knew where he went. No one knew why.



But you and I know, he left that town, and never went back, the abuse, the torment, was too much. Maybe he could've stayed. Maybe he could've had friends. But no one believed him, till it was too late, and now he is gone... Don't let this happen to anyone else. Be there, be strong...


The ending made me cringe...probably because it sounds like the ending of a video you'd see in health class or at a school assembly on bullying...like Dammerung said, this sounds like it comes from an anti-bullying type of thing. Yes, bullying is bad, but the ending of this makes it sound like an infomercial.

Try reading your piece aloud and pay attention to wear you naturally pause or take a breath while you are reading. That's usually where a comma should go.

And lastly, your characters. I know almost nothing about the boy besides that he is bullied constantly. Try to breathe a bit more life into him. What is his name? What does he like to do? I assume he likes baseball, looking at his birthday present. Is he on a team? You get the idea.




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Out of the trees, five of the toughest boys in that gang jumped out.

Out of the shadows jumped a large, guy, nearly a man.

An old man came out of the trees and kneeled by him, ''I saw what happened, sonny..."

Most of the characters in this story seem to jump out of hiding whenever they are necessary, perform their stereotypical roles, and scamper off again. The young boys pop out of the trees to pick on our hero, and then disappear. The teens spring from the shadows to claim vengeance, and off they go. The old guy steps slowly out from yet more trees, offering delayed help (was he spying?) and even using the name "Sonny."

I recommend rethinking your approach to character building. These people, though minor, still need to seem like they belong in the plot. Talk about the bullies, why did they pick on their "fire-top"? Who were they trying to impress, or did they feel they needed to prove something? Why was the older brother so touchy about his sibling? Was the elderly man decrepit, was he in the habit of watching street dramas daily...did the little boy often see him on his walks home?

Describing in greater detail fire-top's emotions would be beneficial to the story. Perhaps you could talk about the particulars of his fear as he walked school, or his feelings towards his parents, who didn't take him seriously. Run through the thoughts he had while swinging the bat (a very climactic point in his life) and while he was being savagely beaten the street.

All in all, greater description would be avantageous.

I agree with Cassandra, in that the ending is a bad idea. It would probably be better not to address the audience at all. Make a statement by simply presenting the facts.

Keep editing, as it is the spice of life!
///thanks.




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you obviously need to learn the art of subtelty. Being a writer isn't about hitting the reader over the head with a baseball bat to get your message across, forgive the pun. You need to write in such a way that you make the reader get your point, but think that it is his own point he's getting.

Character development and believability are also skills you should develop. No reader can possibly relate to something or someone they don't understand--you have to MAKE them understand.

You are very promising, I really think that you will progress as a writer, especially on this site. I know I did. If you have any questions or any work you need reviewed, email me at freakygreeneyes17@gmail.com



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