Lie lies lied

You tell me lies lies lied.

behind sky blue eyes lies the truth
but it will never see the light of day
because of all the your mouth is so uncouth

lies lies lied, will you ever trust me?
or am I just a pawn,
But you are the flower and I am the be

You tell me clean my room
But I don't care to follow your rule
the sky is dark then thunder boom

Where is dad mom, has he gone
away from you cause your lies
lies lied you lost, he won, I'm the prize

but you say it is your way
not his
not gods
lies lies lied.

I havent showed any one this. But I know its pretty good because its raw and from the heart. I have others but I will wait to see how much you love this one first.
x

Hey tossy(:
I can understand that you are trying to convey pained emotions that are enflicted by the mother figure in this poem, but it can be done with more expressed emotion.

Your rhyme scheme isn't throughout the entirity of the poem and you tried to munipulate the sentences to rhyme at the end which only made the language weaker.

You have close to no punctuation in this poem which makes it most difficult to read and shows lack of care.

You're line of repetition "lies lies lied" really makes no gramatical sense, I'm not sure what you are trying to say with this.

BUT

You do have alot of good metaphors and imagery in this poem and they alone ALMOST saved the whole thing. If you look this over and try to fix your gramatical and punctuational errors and maybe make your language stronger (like I KNOW you are capable of because you're an amazing writer) and make your emotions bolder and the story part of it more clear, then this can be a great poem.

sorry, if this was too harsh... -Bettinger

Tossy, what I'd like to say first is that my eyes were originally drawn to your comment below. I would like to say that not all raw, from the heart, genuine poetry is considered good - and that might be my problem with this piece.

Starting with after "you told me..." I'm not sure what parts of speech "lies lies lied" would be. After all "lied" would be the verb, and one of the "lies" would be the subject, but I'm really... not sure.

The first stanza after that- Your rhyme is blocky, jumbly, not exactly the kind of rhyme people (at least I) look for. I especially don't get the last line: "all the your mouth"...? "Uncouth" might not be the best word in this poem, either, as it's had a simpler structure up until that point, and starting on words like "uncouth" makes the reader think they've stepped into some other poem halfway through. I've given this advice before: If you absolutely must have a rhyme, don't toss words in just to rhyme them. Craft your lines so your rhyme shows through, shining in the night, and if you must, craft them around the rhyming word to sound right.

Second stanza- "or am I just a pawn" should have a question mark after it, and I think you can get rid of the "but" in the third line. Also, your stanza lines haven't been capitalised up to this point, so why start now? Also, it should be "bee", not "be". Those are my nitpicks, since I really think you did well with this one: Your rhyme is subtle, your words fit around each other, and it looks like you really tried to wrench this from your heart.

Third stanza- In the first line, there ought to be a "to" between me and clean; the last line is confusing again. Is it supposed to be read as the sky is dark and then thunder rolls in out of nowhere? Or is the sky darker than thunder's boom? (Also, thunder doesn't really "boom". It rolls, like a drumroll if you've ever heard one. A really loud drumroll.) You capitalise the first two lines, but not the last, which is odd; perhaps just de-capitalise everything? Your rhyme gets a little weak again, too.

Fourth stanza- I think you could actually do with a comma after "dad" and a question mark after "mom", and both of those should technically be capitalised. "Cause" in the second line should be "because" (we like long, proper words where they belong, we poets). Third line, comma after "lied", or semicolon, or question mark. You change your rhyme scheme to ABB instead of ABA here, which seems odd to me, because if you're doing connected stanza-like poetry with a set rhyme scheme, unless you intended to jolt the reader out of their sway, that's generally not what most poets would do with that situation.

Last stanza- Perhaps change "it is" to "it's" so you can match the rhythm better with the rest of the stanza. Third line, it should be "God's", not "gods", for the possessive and the proper name of a mentioned deity. Maybe a colon after "gods", too, to lead better into the last line so you will have a better impact on the reader.

It has potential to be beautiful. It's pretty good, but its potential needs to be exercised and stretched. Experiment with words, let the words tell you what to do; the words are the kings of poetry, not the poets, and we who write must stand under their rule, isn't that right? Like I said earlier, craft your rhyme into the poem like a soft glow, not a brazen lamp standing there for all to see. The rhyme shouldn't be the principle part: there are so many other things to cover that you're neglecting to their extents. Word choice, in particular, seems to be suffering. I'm not saying it's "bad", but I'm not saying it's "wonderful". Find a happy medium.

I disagree that this poem is pretty good. It is simply there. If it is raw, it is very, very raw. If it is trying to convey the emotions of anguish, it is not going an effective job.

You tell me lies lies lied.

That red marked quote there is something that bothers me in the very first line. Is it supposed to be lies, lies, lies or what you have it written as? If so then it makes no sense.

You tell me clean my room
But I don't care to follow your rule
the sky is dark then thunder boom

This right here contains no emotion, but instead is something that just resembles someone whining.

Where is dad mom, has he gone
away from you cause your lies
lies lied you lost, he won, I'm the prize

This stanza has the potential to be the best part of the poem, but honestly is just horrible. The lies lies lied thing still makes no sense, and what emotion you try to convey you fail to.

Overall this poem was not good. It was weak, and needs a lot of work. The emotion I can see you trying to portray, is not done well at all. If it from the heart, truly from the heart, than it would have more natural emotion. This poem does not have that. Try to revise it.

Good luck,
dante93