the depths

I keep swimming in this
blackened water
deeper than hell,
currents stronger than pain,
but I tire.

My mind cries for rest,
My body only obeys,
My soul holds to the path,
My Heart... let it keep beating
for Another.

as I drown,
I drink it in;
let the suffering
sting my eyes and cheeks
as it drags me away.

It surrounds me,
consumes my body,
muddles my mind,
but my soul
still tries, my Heart
still beats for Another.

One final swim,
as the shore appears
on the horizon,
as the sun brightens
the waves.

Dear darchoco,

darchoco wrote:I keep swimming in this
blackened water
deeper than hell,
currents stronger than pain,
but I tire.

My mind cries for rest,
My body only obeys,
My soul holds to the path,
My Heart... let it keep beating
for Another.

as I drown,
I drink it in;
let the suffering
sting my eyes and cheeks
as it drags me away.

It surrounds me,
consumes my body,
muddles my mind,
but my soul
still tries, my HeartI don't like the place you put "my heart" maybe move it down a line or make it apart of the next line.
still beats for Another.
One final swim,
as the shore appears
on the horizon,
as the sun brightens
the waves.

Overall I love his poem!!! The feel of the poem is incredible. I feel like I know just what u talking about!!! You are a good witer!! Keep righting!
<3

sadly, after this poem, I could never seem to write poetry again--not trying to be dramatic or anything.

Well I really like this poem.
And your usage of sensory detail was really good. I could feel like I was there with you.
But towards the poem, I got lost.
Try to use words that tie the whole poem together so it tells the same story throughout.
-Rem

I liked this poem a lot. It was so deep and sad that I felt like crying. It is sad to know you have never een able to write poetry since. I think you should give it another shot, even if it turns out rubbish. You have a really great way with words, and it would be a shame to lose that!

There is a lot of emotion portrayed in this poem. I gave me a lot of vivid imagery here and I really felt for the person this poem was about. It seemed like the person was slowly drowning.

No grammatical problems here.

Deanie x
PS let me know if you ever have another stab at poetry!