Oooooh, I like this one. Nice and short ans straight to the point. I feel like you could have the used the subject to make it longer but then again that may just kill the pure rawness <---(I doubt that's a word but I'm sure you get what I mean) of the poem.
The only nitpicky thing O\I'll mention is that I think for the sake of grammar is that it should be "have" at the beginning of the second line instead of has. So it should read
"Why since the earth has aged, HAVE the unruly been free and the peaceful caged?"
Can I use this on my blog? Pretty, pretty please? I'll give you full acknowledgement as well.
A writer is someone who finds writing more diffucult than everyone else.-Not quite sure who said this but it's kinda true don't you think.
I liked this one, unlike another short one i just read and commented on. This, this makes sense. It is very short, has a very strong point, and actually makes the reader ponder. I know so many people who try to write short poems like this and do not have a full meaning, or it is distorted in some way. Indefinite Blue, a poem I just read is a haiku, but to me it made no sense. Good job.
You know, I really like short and sweet poems. I completely fail at writing them myself, but whenever I can see one that really makes me think--a proverb, a senryu or haiku--I just feel happy about the poet who wrote the piece. Now, I won't lie: while this is fine on its own, and leaves a mark, it doesn't leave quite a jagged scar, if you get my point. This is closer to something that I'd quote from a larger poem; take my signature for example. Those three lines are taken from a three-page poem that builds upon itself until it leaves the reader haunted.
So I definitely would encourage experimenting with the placement of this poem. Did you know that you almost have a senryu verse here? Senryu, like haiku, follows a 5-7-5 pattern, and you have a 6-7-5. Nothing to change; just food for thought.
Anyway, as far as your deeper meaning goes, it definitely left me thinking, even if it's one-directional. Not all poetry must be multi-faceted to be good poetry. So I want to congratulate you on your successful musing. You've brought something out in an idea and put it straight-forward without weighing it down with thick images or strange syntax. Now, I do want to get picky about your first line.
"Why since the earth has aged," first off needs a comma after "Why" since "since the earth has aged" is an appositive phrase. But digging into that meat in the first line, I'm not quite sure I like the way you've worded your idea. Yes, aged rhymes with caged, and it makes the reader all giddy to see a new rhyme about, but the point of that first line just loses me at 'aged'. It doesn't really pinpoint a starting time, and that's fairly necessary for your musing.
Also, I'd consider changing "unruly" to something with two syllables. It'll help your rhythm and flow.
I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
-Lumi
I am a forest fire and an ocean, and I will burn you just as much as I will drown everything you have inside.
-Shinji Moon
I am the property of Rydia, please return me to her ship.
