Young Writers Society

Soul Dance

Dance
Dance ‘til your heart erupts out of your chest
And foxtrots over the moon:
One two three, one two three-
Relentlessly seizing your emotions
And baring your soul to the star-ridden sky.

Dance
Dance until your feet float off the ground
And the wind whisks you away
To the deepest caverns of your heart,
Where you waltz until dawn,
And the sunrise floods your soul with its glory.

Dance
Dance until the love washes over you,
Like the foaming, rushing tide
That rumbas into the fiery sunset,
Casting its yellow, orange, and red rays
Into the setting sun of your own soul.

Before, I posted a poem that didn't go over so well , so I tried my hand at another one, and I hope this showed more emotion. It's actually a remake of something I did last year. This one's a LOT better. I'd appreciate the feedback! I know it's not the best in the world, but I'd definitely like to know how to improve more! Thanks!

I really enjoyed this poem. I thought it had very good use of literary devices like metaphors, similies, imagery, etc. To read it was almost to dance yourself. Well done.

This poem was quite cute, yet it didn't come off as being trite. Simple and sweet. I liked it. I wish I could rumba into the fiery sunset. Good imagery.

I agree with the above - wonderful imagery. Almost has a song-like quality to it. I wish it didn't use the word "dance" quite so much, though, although it does give the piece a certain musical rhythm.

Great poetic devices used, like similies and metaphors which helped craete stunning visual imagery.

Lovely poem, wonderfully written.

I enjoyed the imagery in this. You had many alive feelings, which quickly tied into dance. I loved the last lines, though I think you lingered on the thought of sunsets a bit too long - it took up an entire stanza, while your other ideas were splayed over two. I also believe that restating "dance" at the top of each stanza, while a clear reminder, was unneeded in the second and third stanzas. There's no need to say dance twice, unless it is for rhythm. That's the next challenge I have proposed for you - add a rhythm, a backbeat to your poem...and then you will have encaptured the true dance. But never force it, so do not undertake this challenge until you are fit. =]

Thanks everyone for the critiques! I really appreciate it! In regards to the comments about having "dance" twice in each stanza, that was kind of what I had based my poem off of. Like that was the original rhythm for the poem. I tried taking out the "Dance" for the second and third stanzas, but it just didn't flow as well. So I've decided to keep those, but maybe I'll tweak up the language to make it even more vivid. Keep the comments comin'! Thanks so much again!

Mary

I LOVE IT! Lol, but then... I already told you that... ^_~

Umm yeah, i found that if you read a poem after lots of people have replied, they usally have said all that needs to be said and i just starts repeating. so i agree with them.

I liked it, and agree that it has a song-like quality. Still not so fond of the double "dance"s, but I LOVED the imagery. Nice work.

Aww thanks guys!

I modified it according to crits on TSR and YWS. Tell me what you think of the new one!

I thought this had a lot of good emotion in it. Great poem!

Not sure what I think about the repetition of 'dance' - it doesn't really bother me much.. in fact, I'd almost go as far as to say that it adds something.

Could be better, however, if you tried what gummy said, and worked a bit more on the rhythm.

I love the imagery here, especially how you've got a different dance in each verse. I know you dance yourself, so try imagining dancing before you write something like this.

Hehe, I like the 'one two three, one two three' part. I think it really adds to the rhythm, as well as being related to the theme of the poem.

Good job Wiggy!

~Kay