A Farewell to Sunlight

Spoiler

Written in May; constructive criticism, please, if I need say it. This is older, so I would be more open to editing, but please keep in mind that I'm not likely to edit my capitalisation. It's the thing I kind of cling to with the very fibres of my soul.

words are naught but weapons
wielded by the weak
who, in desperation,
do endlessly seek
the wonder of a rainbow
and the far-off misty dells
where winter has her residence
and summer never dwells

a sword, a spear, a scimitar
to hold off legions true;
that is what we tell ourselves,
we weak, we dark, we few

Ancient! <3

I’m not usually one for rhyming poetry, but I actually liked this little lyrical slab. It reminded me of an Irish folk singer I used to listen to, Frank Turner. Or maybe it just reminds me of Irish ballads in general. The rhythm is enjoyable once you’re well-adjusted, and the rhymes don’t feel greatly forced. So, as it is, you’ve done a good job. Now, my only notable issue hides in the second stanza.

It’s just a repetition of an idea you posed in the beginning of the poem—though that actually may fall under the style of the poem. In all honesty, you may’ve left me without things to critique. Words are weapons that we as writers use to our advantage. We imagine far-off lands and fantastic things, and can fashion our words into the weapon we need. Not sure I would call myself dark, but whatever floats your boat doesn’t sink mine.

I do want you to be sure that you’re writing the lines intentionally. Yeah, there’s rhythm to worry about, and there’s your rhyme scheme, and that’s always going to be a hindrance, but you have talent—I’ve seen it across the site, so you can’t deny it—and I know that you can handle some critical editing. So ultimately, it’s up to you if you want to go deeper. I apologize for being rather useless for this piece—I’m much more of a free-verse guy.

Oh. line three, I don’t think you need “their”. It rushes ‘desperation’ too much, and the line would work with the syllables without it. Similar can be said of line four—“incessantly” doesn’t quite flow well at all. Try to replace it, yes?

I hope this helps a little. Let me know if you have any questions or comments!

-Lumi

I actually had "constantly" there before "incessantly", but I changed it last second before posting it here as a kind of afterthought. That is a good idea to get rid of "their" before desperation, though - thank you! It's no problem that you couldn't find much to critique; I appreciate anything that comes my way.

I don't think I've read something quite this brilliant in forever. It's amazing. I love the context of it. I also love the rhyming, and just how it sounds! It sounds like it's something from ancient Greeks or something. It's probably just me thinking that, but whatever!

Great work -- keep it up! :3

Hey, Ancient!

I like this piece a lot. A writer can definitely build castles in the sky and it can be that very castle that ultimately might destroy the writer's reputation. You've opened up the whole piece really well, with a seamless flow and a thought-provoking tone.

Despite the wonderful imagery though, I find myself thinking quite contrarily to the belief of the poem. I don't really think writers are weak in comparison to others since it is their writing that allows them to express their thoughts and emotions and to me, expression is a writer's greatest weapon - strong and bold. So I do feel that the last line really put down the plight of writers all over. But I do really appreciate the sentiment you are trying to portray in your point-of-view. And who's to say that you aren't partly right?

Kudos to you, for putting up such a well written and thought out piece that really expresses your talent as a poetess. It's a great context that I'm sure many readers will ponder on. I'm looking forward to reading more. So keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza