Goodbye, my friend (Adiós, mi amigo)

This poem was originally written in Spanish.

Spoiler

La lluvia no es lo mismo,
una vez estás mojado.
Y la vida es sólo vida,
cuando hay valor para vivir.

Cuando la confianza comienza a tomar el lugar de la duda,
la inseguridad que este mismo mundo crea-
Cuando la sangre comienza a correr por tus venas,
y el corazón ya no tiene miedo, ni se queja,
te acuerdas de lo que olvidaste;
estás vivo.

Vivo para salir a la calle y sentir diamantes salpicar en tu cara.
Cuando has encontrado el valor oculto en tu alma,
la vida viene, de manera inesperada, y te lo arrebata.
Fue un placer. Adiós, mi amigo.

Rain is not the same,
once you get wet.
And life is only life,
when there's courage to live it.

When trust starts taking over doubt's place,
that insecurity this same world creates-
When blood starts running through your veins again,
and your heart is no longer afraid, or whining
you remember what had been forgotten;
you are alive.

Alive to go outside and feel diamonds splashing on your face.
when you've found hidden courage in your soul,
life comes unexpectedly, and steals it away.
It was a pleasure. Goodbye, my friend.


Thanks everyone, I owe you a lot! <3

Hellooooo. I don't know Spanish at all so I can't comment on the original at all but here are my suggestions for the English version!

The first stanza is nice, although I'm not sure what you're trying to say (although I'm ill and probably very slow at the moment!) - I like the first two lines a lot and they're very intriguing but then when I read the rest of the stanza I was disappointed that you didn't expand upon them at all because, as I mentioned, I don't quite get what you're trying to say. I feel like the rain lines were let down by the last two lines, which to me seem to be saying something very different (and in a less nice, less imagery-y way, if that makes sense).

Also - and I'm being very nitpickety-nickety here - the rhyme seems very forced here (wet/it). Did you mean to make it (sort of) rhyme? I thought you did at first and now I'm realising it could have been accidental, but either way the rhythm is off because, I think, the second line is much shorter than the fourth. Something to think about

When trust starts taking over doubt's place;
that insecurity this same world creates...

Does trust not lessen insecurity...? And 'this same' sounds odd. Actually - it might be a translation thing, and it might sound much better in Spanish, but a lot of the words in this stanza sound odd. 'Warmly' is one; blood is warm, and a heart can be warm, but it doesn't beat warmly - maybe loudly?

I like the diamonds line! Vivid.

life comes unexpectedly, and steals it away

THIS is also intriguing and also something I would like expanded upon. You did such a lovely job describing feeling alive, and then it's all let down with a vague, clunky line. Maybe explain this a little bit more, or if not an explanation (which not all poetry needs to be fair) more vivid description would be nice. Like how did losing this aliveness feel, and what effect it had on the speaker.

I also like 'it was a pleasure' - it's so simple but seems to convey a lot. Also, was the 'friend' in this poem meant to represent life or aliveness in general? Just curious

Anyway, this is a lovely lovely poem and I'm sorry I couldn't read it in all its Spanish glory but I hope I helped anyway! Good luck
Carrie

Hey, Sol!

I read this first in Spanish. It took me a while since I haven’t really practiced my Spanish in quiiiite a while, but I read through it how you originally wrote it, and I was amazed. Maybe it’s my lack of experience with poetry across language barriers, but the way it flowed was incredible. And then I read it in English. And there are some places in the English form where I think you can improve on flow, but I want to be very honest when I say that I am genuinely in love with this poem.

Mars went through and suggested some expansion in a place or two, but I’m not sure I agree. Everything is so beautifully balanced and intentional—you see the beginning and end to each metaphor; everything gets tied up neatly, and your ultimate purpose is beautifully clear. I think the change in ideas comes when you review part-by-part instead of the entire piece at once. Because without your final stanza, the piece is obviously worthless (other than the beauty of the words you’ve strung together). But since you have that, everything works.

Now, I want you to go through and fix your punctuation. I see a lot of misused commas and semi-colons, and I’m unsure if I like the ellipses where they are. So really, my biggest issue with this piece is your grammatical execution. The commas in lines one and three need to go. The semi-colon in line five needs to be a comma. All the ellipses can be changed into more useful things. A period for the first use, a dash for the second, and a period for the last.

I really love this, Sol. Like, I really do.

Let me know if you have any questions or comments

-Lumi

I love how this sounds in Spanish - English, not so much. Like, your first two lines? It sounds much prettier in Spanish. I also think you missed a few negatives in your English translation, but I'm not positive (my brain is too full of technical stuff I don't quite understand to be able to translate and get it entirely correct ^^).

I love how you play on the word "vivir"/"vido"/"viva" - you could have used another word choice (though I can't for the life of me remember what at the moment), but instead you emphasize that word, and use it almost as a pivot point throughout.

Did I mention how much I love your first two lines? Because I do. And not just because it's raining outside.

And a question! When I tried translating this bit myself, "Cuando la sangre comienza a correr por tus venas,/y el corazón ya no tiene miedo, ni se queja," I came up with (and forgive my resorting to google translate, but I didn't remember everything!) "when the blood starts to run through your veins/and the heart doesn't have fear (isn't afraid?), [or complain?]" - the last bit had my scratching my head. I thought queja looked like "complaint," but I had a hard time with reflexive verbs, so I wasn't sure what to do with it. Google told me "or complain", and that confused me more. Anyway, that didn't really match your translation of "and the heart warmly beats," and I just want to understand! Are some of the words in there more local slang/vernacular/diction I didn't learn in school? We only covered bits from Spain (three of my teachers studied there), and a bit from Columbia - two of my teachers were from there. So... yeah.

BUT. I love. Love love love. "te acuerdas de lo que olvidaste;/estás vivo."

So, I really liked reading this. Especially in Spanish. I have nothing else remotely helpful to say, other than tell me when you post more stuff in Spanish and English! Me gusta mucho!

Bek

(oooh, question. Why do you write "Adios, mi amigo", but leave out "mi/my" when you translate to English? You can say "Goodbye, my friend.")

I really don't have much of a review. this was cool, I especially loved the last stanza and the comparison to diamonds. Good detail. I have to say though, I liked it a lot better in spanish, I don't know why, but I did. It just fit better, I guess it just sounded too translated when you put it in English. still, good job!

Wow, this is amazing!

Overall this poem is very pretty. The words come off to me as a little blunt, but it might just be the translation.

GeeLyria wrote:and your heart is no longer afraid, or whinning

whining. Just a slight mispelling that was irking me.

I really like that you took the time to write in both languages, and I really enjoy seeing poems with different lauguages. It reminds us all that all cultures have their writers and poets, at least it reminds me!:)

Like Mars, what really got me was the first two lines, and then I got slightly confused in your meaning as the poem went on. I feel like

And life is only life,
when there's courage to live it.

could fit somewhere else or in it's own stanza with a different set of words. Alas it is a translation so that is just a matter of opinion, it's good either way.

The fact that I got confused with the meaning and read the poems several times might be due to the fact that it's late but once I got the meaning it was truly beautiful. Maybe it's a good thing some people may have to read it more than once, it allows them to think and analyze it until they get it, and when they do get it it such a nice little present.

I liked how it was in depth. It made a lot of sense, It sounded good, and it was correct. Overall it was the definition of a good work.

I feel really out of place commenting on this, since I can neither speak nor understand Kastila, and everyone keeps saying it's better in Spanish, and I seem to understand what they mean. You've just translated this, and it seems that most of the time, if not always, the language you've written the original piece in is better. But I'll just have to satisfy myself in being able to read the translated poem, so here goes my comments.

I'm going to agree with Lumi that most of the punctuation are quite not right. Especially in the "Alive..." line, where you put a period at the end of the line. I also am not a fan of the dash in the second line of the second stanza. But anyway, you see to have improved a lot since the previous featured poem I've read. I just love the flow of this one. The first line immediately captured my attention, and you stirred me all throughout. My favorite line would be:

Alive to go outside and feel diamonds splashing on your face.

I can't explain why I really like this line. Maybe because of the imagery, the paradox... I don't know; but I do. So good job, mi amigo! Good job! Keep writing!

Jash

Hello GeeLyria,

First I should probably that I honestly cannot read Spanish to save my life or anyone's for that matter. I am just hopeless at Spanish and it will be a challenge reviewing this as I am sure the original was more powerful than the translated version but I will try reviewing this anyway. Sorry in advance if this review isn't really what you were hoping for. If I could read Spanish I'm sure it wouldn't be as bad!

First of all, I'm very impressed that you can write poems in Spanish. I do personally assume that the translation wasn't as powerful as the original version just because I've seen it happen with many poems before. I think that the poem just got a little bit lost in the translation. Don't get me wrong this poem was amazing but I just think the original was probably better just because that's usually what happens when you translate something.

Now, I want you to go through and fix your punctuation.

A lot of others have mentioned it but I agree, not all of the punctuation works in the context that they are in. Most of it is fine but some of the punctuation makes some of the writing sound a little odd and inflowing. It might be a wise idea to just go over and edit over all of those little things just so that it makes more sense and it is a little easier for us to read, and comprehend.

All of this was great but the lines that stood out to me would definitely have to be these quoted ones here:

When trust starts taking over doubt's place

This first one was nice because it felt so true and I could relate to what you were saying and how you phrased it was perfect.

Alive to go outside and feel diamonds splashing on your face.

Because it was powerful and impactive.

Overall you have a nice poem here and I am delighted and honored that I had the privilege of reading it and reviewing it. If you have any questions or concerns then please feel free to PM me and I will try and be as helpful as possible. Keep up the awesome writing.

From DreamingForever

Hello.. Well since I've never spoken or read or heard Spanish (except on TV), I can't comment on the Spanish version.. I was clueless in that.. But I just loved the English version.. Don't know about the errors (Seriously, I didn't even notice them!).. It was extremely good!! Love it!!
Harshita:)

Hey there!

I know this has been already reviewed and commented but once I read it, I felt the need to tell you that I love it, the Spanish version a lot more than the English Version. The Spanish version has certain rhythm and strength to it that the English version lacks. Honestly your poem reminded me a lot of the ones written by the poets of the Vanguardia movement in Latin America, a lot like Cesar Vallejos. The content of it, talking about life reminded me a lot of the point of view of the Vanguardista poetry. Also, a lot of the critiques you've received are from the English version and many say that some parts of it don't really make sense or need some expansion...Which is another reason why this poem reminds me so much of those poems. Because the poets weren't really focused on the sense of the poems or the rhythm or the rhyme, they were focused on the content of it and the reaction the readers were going to get. That's why I love your poem, And I know this isn't really constructive criticism is more like a review, but I just want to tell you that I loved your poem.

-Juni

Nomnomnomnom Me gusta hahaha. And you said you couldn't write? What do you call this then? This is gorgeous, in both Spanish and English . Though it's funny to read the English cause it's obvious in certain areas that it's a translation and not written for a direct English dialect XD. This is adorable, I woves it. Now if only I could understand all of the SPanish part so that I could see how the translation fits together.....lol

Good Job . Me gusta! lol