Wings & Freedom

Spoiler

Ok, this is a 250 word piece, with the beginining and ending words the same. (contest rules.) I hope you enjoy, I'm not used to writing such short stories, so sorry if it's absoultey horrible, but a challenge is good for me, and I like trying new things (sometimes)

Wings. I don’t know why, but they fascinated me. So many different shape, sizes, colors, all designed to preform the impossible miracle of flight. The act with which gave them ultimate freedom. Both I longed for. Both equally unattainable.
At least they had been. A thrill of excitement raced through me. I had done it. After 15 long years of just staying silent, shouldering the pain, I’d stood up and retaliated.
But leaving was only a step in the right direction, I wasn’t free, not yet. He was still out there. It was inevitable that he find me. The bane of my miserable existence would never stop till I was his slave once more. He, my father.
The only chance I had was to find help. Who would help me?
“Sadie!”
Time was up. The game of hide in seek was coming to a conclusion. I had lost.
Or had I?
I eyed the sheer drop-off mere inches from where I stood. Was this really the answer?
“Sadie!”
Yes. I was the only one who could help me.
It was easy; all I did was lean forward. Freedom raced towards me, when a thick meaty hand grabbed me. Terror filled me as I jerked backwards .
No! I was never going back. Using every ounce of strength I possessed, I pulled away. The empty space behind me greeted me triumphantly. I’d won.
I had achieved the impossible. I was free, I was flying. The only thing I needed now, were wings.

Hi there Zanna.

It's not much - kind of short, really and so this review might not be so long. I don't know because often I say it'll be short and by the end, it's much longer than originally intended. Well, so be it!

I've never heard of the contest but by the information you've supplied me, I think you've done well in following the guidelines. However, since it's supposed to be the same word beginning and end, I feel like you almost 'cheated' in the beginning. You have simply stated the words and ended it with a period following immediately after. And then you expand and go on with the story. I think it would be much more fitting to have a sentence as a statement rather than a solitary word. But it's personal preference and I'm not familiar with the detailed rules of the contest. You know it better than I.

Something else that bothered me as an issue was perhaps some of your sentences were confusing because they felt kind of just thrown into the salad bowl, to put it one way. I think the sentences usually following those types of sentences clear up the majority of the confusion. Nevertheless, a reader must never find the answer after (except in specific cases) and instead right then in there - at least, speaking generally. Doubly, with such a short story, confusing sentences tend to make much more notice because of the few amount of them (sentences/phrases/lines). It's unfortunate you can only write 250 words - this piece has potential to be a longer short story.

Yours,
Lavvie

Hi Zanna! Here to review for you!

So this will be quick given that your story is also short so I don't have much to comment on.

After 15 long years of just staying silent, shouldering the pain, I’d stood up and retaliated.

Make sure you write out numbers that are shorter than a hundred. It's usually more professional and crisp looking.

He was still out there. It was inevitable that he find me. The bane of my miserable existence would never stop till I was his slave once more. He, my father.

This topic, abusive -exactly which case; mental or physical, I'm not sure - fathers always gets me so you've already captured my interest with this. I've been through something similar, in a sense, with my father about giving me enough space and freedom. I'm sure other girls have gone through this too, battling for freedom so it's a nice wide topic that I'm sure calls to many audiences.

Okay, so the contest basically prompts you to use both first and last words the same. The way you opened up your first word was a bit to abrupt and too easy. Anyone could just put a word with a period in the beginning. With that said, try being slightly more creative with that and see if you can make a sentence out of that.

I'm not a fan of tragedy so the ending was a bit disappointing for me. I wish she stayed strong and flew without killing herself. Suicide takes bravery but it's also cowardly and I would've respected your main character much more if she fought off her parents over-protectiveness and/or ownership of her and gained freedom to fly the harder, respectable way. Anyway, it doesn't always turn out like that.

Short stories are very hard to write and there's no way you could make us feel much out of just a mere 250 word count. Yes, if the reader has a connection it works but what if the reader doesn't? How can you make them feel for her without writing a novel? That's the trick and still something I work on myself.

My suggestion would be to try to clip out some of those fancy words and try pushing in more details on why she thinks dying will help. Maybe something about having tried everything to the best of her knowledge and failed? Something like that...

Another thing, your sentences were a bit too short and clippy in some areas and I found myself reading over it again just to be sure what was going on. It took me a minute to figure out she jumped off a cliff, haha. Anyway, try to lessen those confusing details and put more solidness into this piece. You don't need to waste words with extra fancy descriptions when you can use them to explain your character a little better, no?

Anyway, even with the tragic ending, I still liked this small little story for I'm a reader with a connection. Keep writing and good luck with the contest. Let me know if you need anything, I'll be happy to help. ^^

-Shear