In the Hospital

Spoiler

The title on this is speculative, subject to change, impermanent. Feel free to suggest something you might think would work better; I take all suggestions into consideration in the long run when I fall flat for a name. There are no stupid ideas, only silence. I'm also very iffy about the punctuation near the end.

his fingers tighten around my hand,
and I know I am shaking, a trembling liar.
yet I am invisible, fading into the curtains
I helped the doctors draw to keep him
from living through their stares.
he smiles up at me, but it is not at me he smiles:
it is a figure over my shoulder that receives
the ending grace of his words.
keep me safe, he whispers, and I nod,
and so does death. we all depart:
he to a happier place than I,
the reaper to his duties once more,
I to make my excuses to his family and tell them
there was no way to save him.
I am nothing but a godforsaken liar
formed of leaves in autumn's wind,
my every shiver betraying my whispers,
less credible than death.

Hi there!
This poem both intrigued and confused me... but in a good way! It has an element of mystery to it, because I'm not entirely sure what is going on, even though I know that it is brilliantly written!

keep me safe, he whispers, and I nod,
and so does death. we all depart:
he to a happier place than I,
the reaper to his duties once more,

-This section right here is my favourite part, especially the last line when you incorporated the grim reaper- some say that it would be cliche but I personally love the vibe it sends off.

You have a nice balance of description and emotion throughout this poem, and the ending is solid.
Grammar and spelling looks good to me!

Thanks for the read and happy writing
-Briggsy

Hello there!
This poem was very interesting and emotional. The details you use when describing the events really contributes to the reality of the piece. Aside from that, there were several things that could use some improvement. A lot of this is just going to be my opinion, so don't take it too harshly ^^

Okay, just kidding. Let me just go through this a couple lines at a time and I can make my suggestions then.

his fingers tighten around my hand,
and I know I am shaking, a trembling liar.

This seems to start right in the middle (or in this case, close to the end!) and starts the action off right away. Not that this is a bad thing--in fact, the way you used it here was very effective in capturing my attention. Although, I think you should capitalize that first line since it is the beginning. I also like the image that I get when I read the second line.

yet I am invisible, fading into the curtains
I helped the doctors draw to keep him
from living through their stares.

I actually had to read this part a few times before I understood this fully. I think the reason for this confusion is because of where you changed lines and your lack of punctuation. If you reworded that slightly it would make it much easier to understand.

he smiles up at me, but it is not at me he smiles:
it is a figure over my shoulder that receives
the ending grace of his words.

This is also confusing. Honestly, I'm not really sure what this is trying to say. This needs some clarification. Who is the figure? Also, I don't understand the meaning of "ending grace." Are you saying that those are his last words? I think you should reword that as well.

we all depart:
he to a happier place than I,
the reaper to his duties once more,
I to make my excuses to his family and tell them
there was no way to save him.
I am nothing but a godforsaken liar
formed of leaves in autumn's wind,
my every shiver betraying my whispers,
less credible than death.

The last half is pretty clear it its meaning.
One thing that I really didn't get while reading this is who the subject IS relative to the patient. Is he/she a nurse or a family member?
One more thing--Maybe your title should be slightly more subtle, since that's the feeling I get with the poem itself.
Other than those suggestions, it was great.
I hope this review was helpful Keep writing!
~Devan

Thank you both for commenting, my dears.

I have to say that I have no clue what relation the speaker is to the subject; I only know that they were close at some point or another. That's how it is with a few of my poems.

I have actually been thinking of rewording a few parts of it to make it more clear what it says, but I have to say - Devan, in you second quote (the one about the curtains), the most that could be done to improve the syntax would be to add the word "that" before the second line. All the rest is grammatically correct and acceptable (not to say that I wholeheartedly love it myself).

I've been thinking of swapping out a few words and punctuation marks as well, so thank you for these comments oh-so-very-much - I'll definitely take it into consideration. As for the title, it was the only thing I could think of at the time, and I get awfully self-conscious when I start going into titles like "Untitled III" (which was the original name of this piece when I wrote it, before some of my friends weighed in and I brainstormed a bit. It is actually my third untitled piece besides those I never bothered to number).

Like I said, thank you so much Devan and Briggsy!